Cat

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Cat

Species	Felix Catus
Type	Approx. 60 WPM
Homeworld	Cat Nation
Size	12in
Color	Vermillion, with a dash of Magenta. Rare breeds of toupe-olive.
Albility	9 lives ,hairball of fire,jumping 10ft from the ground.
Huggable	Not when they're horny...

“Cats! I'm a Kitty Cat and I dance dance dance and dance dance dance!”

~ The Kitty Cat Dance Cat on cats

“Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”

~ Mary Bly on cats

“Aww...Look at his cute little...Oh god my face!!”

~ You on the trickery of cats

“Cats rule everything around me, C.R.E.A.M!”

~ Wu Tang Clan on cats

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cat.

The Cat is an immortal animal first invented by the Egyptians, who were in short supply of gods at the time. Frequently, attempts at domestication fail miserably, as cats prefer ruling humans over being ruled by humans, but this hasn't stopped man from trying. Cats will never be man's best friend because cats don't want friends. Many humans currently believe in a theory suggesting that there was a big explosion that formed the universe, but modern historians and archaeologists now speculate that the it was actually created by cats. Not much is known about this theory, but it is the truth and we all know it.

[edit] Cats and Birds

A purr is a deep, vibrato sound made by many types of felines. While the sound varies in detail from cat to cat (e.g., loudness, tone, etc.), and from species to species, it can generally be described as a sort of tonal buzzing. Some cats purr so strongly that their entire bodies vibrate. Recent developments show that cats only purr after they've swallowed a hummingbird. The audible purring noise is the hummingbird desperately trying to escape. The ripping sound heard shortly after is the hummingbird succeeding and the cat's extra life repairing the damage. The reason that the cats don't run out of lives after this behaviour is that once the penultimate life is used, the cat's teeth vanish. It is nearly impossible to gum a hummingbird to death.

[edit] Cats and Dogs

Karate Cat!!!

Cats and dogs have always had a curiously dangerous relationship. Although the exact cause of the hostilities is unknown, experts believe that it has something to do with 'house envy'. While cats are allowed to shit, piss, and defoul the homeowner's interior, the dog must relieve himself outdoors even if it's 30 degrees below zero. On the other hand, cats are allowed to paw through shit infested sand, lick their salmonella infested paws, balls, ass, and also eat birds and rodents raw prior to licking the family baby then proceed to prance across the kitchen counters and table. But GOD forbid the family dog should decide to relieve himself indoors. On the rare occasion the family dog acts like a cat, he will immediately suffer verbal, mental, emotional and/or physical abuse at the hands of the cat owners. An interview with a local cat reveals that cats believe that dogs should be punished for invasion of the home pet territory, rightfully possessed by their feline counterparts since 10,000 BCE (Before Cat Empire). Most believe that the war between cats and dogs started because dog owners are too stupid to litterbox train their dogs. Another known fact is that dogs enjoy the company of mice and will sometimes kill the cat to protect hiz real best friend.

Cats will rule the world when we go and dogs will rebel they will all die and mice will rule the world

[edit] Cats and People

Cats are totally useless to humans (except for huffing) and should all be eaten with a side dish of mashed potatoes. You may say kittens look cute, but they grow up to be cats, which are evil, as you should know by now. Cats are able to brainwash people with 'AWWITSSOCUTEITSAKITTYKITTY' brainwaves, which can leave a human mentally unstable for weeks. Because cats are so dangerous, allowing a child under 12 to interact with a cat can be fatal.

A cat, hypnotizing his human owner.

[edit] Cats and Can-Openers

Cats are strangely attracted to the sound of can openers, for reasons unknown. As many cat owners know, the sound of a can opener alone can cause a cat to rush to the human's side, start purring loudly, stand on their hind paws, and start dancing an Irish jig. Many very foolish people like to claim that if cats had opposable thumbs and could use can-openers, they would replace humans as the dominant species on Earth. This is very silly. Cats do not need opposable thumbs and do not need to use can-openers. Instead they have domesticated a semi-intelligent species, with opposable thumbs, to open cans full of cat-food for them.

[edit] Kitler

Kitler (or Hitler Cat) is known as the most evil cat that ever lived. He was an evil Austrian dictator and during his reign, over nine million Mews were killed in boncentration bamps. Kitler is allied with 3 of his 100 siblings, Fidel Catsro, Benito Pussolini and Chairman Meow. He was also the cousin of Jeffrey Dommeow.

[edit] Purring

Cats show pleasure by purring. This is The best way when finding out if a cat is happy. Try petting your cat in different places, to see if it makes a "purring" noise. This sound is often quite faint, and you will need to get very close to your cat if you want to hear it. However, don't get too close or next morning, you might find bloodstains in your bed. If cats reach a certain purring pitch, only made once every hundred years, this sound will make you spontaniously crap your pants it can be known as the brown purr.

[edit] Purring Related to Physics

Purring has often been quoted by many scientists to activate a time warp which will send them back to their original dimension, or their mothership. However, we have disproved this by opening a can of cat food. It started to rub up against us and purr so hard, that the cat food disappeared and the cat started to poo on our shoes.

[edit] The Shizzlecat

A rare breed of cat known as the shizzlecat (whose natural habitat is Vancouver) has evolved from an unholy combination of a calico and Snoop Dogg. It can talk, but only in Snoopdoggeese. If provoked it makes a sound similar to Aunt Jemima at the beginning of her pageizzle.

[edit] Physics in relation to Cats

(The cat's scientific name is Zelduxis Felinus! To Determine the Motion of a Cat with a Slice of Buttered Toast Strapped to its Back: Let F_c be the attractive forces of each of the cat's feet to the carpeting (not shown), and let F_bt be the net rotational torque imposed by the carpeting upon the buttered side of the toast. By the 42nd proposition of Murphy's Law, the system will begin to rotate in a counterclockwise fashion, causing the cat (C) to experience a large measure of confusion. The partially melted butter (B), which is adhered to the toast (T) by comparatively weak Van der Waals forces, is overwhelmed by the large centrifugal fictional force, though the buttered toast(BT)and cat(C)will in fact cancel out each other's forces to fall on their butter side/feet, causing the buttered toast/cat(BT+C) to spin in a clockwise motion. The spinning cat and toast (C+T), having thus divested itself of surplus butter, will then experience tidal drag within the Earth's gravitational field until such time as rotational equilibrium is restored.

It has been universally proven that cats always land on their feet when pushed from a 10th story balcony, and it is a widely known fact that a cat reaches its terminal velocity (the fastest speed it can reach before it stops accelerating and moves at a constant speed) after falling a mere seven stories. A cat might sustain minor bruises and such from a fall from this height. It actually has a reduced risk of injury if falling from a height greater than 7 stories, because it has time to orient itself feet-first and stretch out like a flying squirrel to absorb the impact better.

To test this scientific discovery, a cat was lobbed off the roof of a 100-story building, plummeting to the ground, where it hissed up at the scientists and scurried into an alley after a mouse.

Final conclusion based on result of experiment: cat + 100 stories=angry cat. This result can also be expressed using the equation .

It is also widely known that buttered toast tends to land butter side down when dropped. Deranged lunatics once had a theory that if they buttered the back of a cat with I can't believe it's not butter, and threw the cat off a ledge, the laws of physics would battle it out, while one law is trying to land butter side down, the other law is trying to land on its paws, which would result in anti-gravity struggle in mid-air to fulfill the proper law(s). Although this theory was widely believed for a few years, it was later proven wrong when the experiment was carried out with real butter, leaving 2 of our 5 scientists blind due to the feline clawing their eyes out. They concluded that cats don't always land butter side down, and to this day cats landing butter side down is not one of the laws of physics.

Alternate theories suggest that buttering the back of a cat would launch it into a perpetual horizontal spin every time it jumped. Some have even suggested that this could be the holy grail of a new energy source, the elusive perpetual motion machine. However, dissenters (from Saudi Arabia and OPEC) have argued that it would most likely result in more man made tornadoes, hurricanes and monsoons.

Cats always landing on their feet is also not one of the laws of physics. Sometimes, they fall so fast that they don't have enough time to swivel around and they land on their side like a pancake. Cats also must protect themselves, because in the wild they need to be agile, flexible, large in appearance to enemies and able to lick their anus, therefore toast lands different ways depending on how it fell, and cats landing on their feet is an instinct, so...um...what the hell am I trying to prove?

Cats have many uses, like serving as a rifle.

Various other hypotheses suggesting that the cat will still fall on its feet and then roll over exist. But no one has ever proven such ridiculous theories yet, and never plan to.

Another possibility is that if you let a cat fall with buttered toast strapped to its back over a highly expensive carpet, it will land on its feet, destroy the carpet in anger and then roll over in order to get rid of the toast, ruining the carpet beyond all reason.

NASA has also discovered that the catfall principle could be used as a potentially good source of anti gravity. If one's spaceship holds a sufficient catmass then there is no need for expensive rockets. Alien cultures have long known this and have been using catpower as their main means of atmospheric flight since 3 quadrillion B.C., although we humans are such idiots that we've never thought to use cats for this purpose until recently. Unbeknownst to many, the eerie hum of UFOs is actually the sound of hundreds of purring tabby cats. Cat Power, wrote about the Phenomenon, and the way it changed interstellar travel forever, in her album You Are Free.

This can be expressed using the formula where is the cats mass, is the toast's mass, is the butter's mass, and is the spaceship's thrust.

Another interesting theory is the speed of which a cat will lick itself. Sometimes you will see a cat licking its paws, slowly. Another time you will see a cat lick its chest or belly, at a medium pace. And if you have ever heard the phrase "faster than a cat can lick its ass" you will also know that a cat, when licking its ass, will indeed break the sound barrier in order to do so, with TOTAL disregard for whatever is happening around at the time. This might have been an evolutionary adaptation, because when you have to lick your ass, you HAVE to lick your ass! So the cat developed faster than sound speed in case they needed to lick their ass, lets say, while being attacked by another cat. You cannot stop to enjoy a good ass licking while you are being attacked, so it was either adapt or die.

[edit] Cats and Subliminal Messaging

Cats have also used subliminal messaging to influence people. This can be seen in newspaper articles, television programs and books. The prominent author 'Molly Katz' is actually a cat hidden behind a clever pen-name. The cover of one of her books can be found in the bin. what some people don't believe is that cats invented the invention and the hermaphrodite. "Cat" in Latin means "beats with huge face." Here.

[edit] Diet

Cats are commonly known to eat:

Cat biscuits
Tuna
More tuna
So much tuna that they can no longer fit through the cat flap anymore
Even more tuna if they can actually get their fat asses off the floor high enough to walk
Their own shit if they've got nothing else to eat
Nothing if they've been a bad kitty
One cat tried to eat Chuck Norris. It failed misserably and was later found with round house kick marks in all parts of the body.
Your mom when you're not looking.
All your plants... no matter how much you spent on them.
The insulation of your house.
Small bagel shaped children.
Mrs Clinton... you know why.
Pokemon
Electro Gypsies
Ash flavoured fish
Wood products that smell like beef
Other cats if horny

[edit] Catastrophe

Catastrophe is the scientific theory that cats are the cause of most geological and astronomical changes. The scientific field of catastrophysics currently employs over 10,000 scientific pioneers throughout the world. Notable Catastrophysics bases throughout the world are:

The Great Pyramids of Giza, Cairo
Inside the statue of Liberty's Right breast, New York
The Shiny Bobble thingy on the Fernsehturm, Berlin
The 13th Level of the Umeda Sky Building, Osaka
The mysterious writer of "my whole gland was wet" at 20th & J Streets, Sacramento Ca
Inside the Horse Statue outside the Royal Exhibition Building, Melbourne
In the English Language, a catastrophe is an apostrophe with fur.
In the left corner of a rectangular triangle
The Tardis
The face of Cobb-a-nobb
Biscuit Nipples

[edit] Cat Poisoning

Cat Poisoning is a common disease spread among fat people. It causes them not to eat anything but a king portion of dressed salad. The symptoms last for the duration of the evening and can only be cured by eating lots of salad. The disease is caught randomly through other fat people and has nothing to do with cats. Recently scientists have renamed the disease as Death Flange mark 3 which is also been condemned as an inappropriate name for the disease.and meow said the fuzzy, wuzzy puddytat as it ripped the dogs ear off with it's vicious laser beams

Known for their stealth and cunning.

Although cats around the world have been feared for their ferocity, intelligence, and awww-its-sooo-adowableness, a special top-secret international organization has been formed through the Postal Service and McDonalds franchises, named KiTTeNS (Kittens are Terrible Terrorists 'N' Stuff). The KiTTeNS organisation outclasses Al Qaeda in terms of flare and dental plans for employees who have worked for over a year. Although most of the world's population have no clue about KiTTeNS, the terrorism group are responsible for awful disasters throughout the ages, including - but not limited to - the Titanic (movie), the invention of icecream, and Kevin Spacey's singing talent. [[== I AM THE CAT OF ULTRA DEATH!!!! ==]]

KiTTeNS was originally designed to be a new franchise of McDonalds, but because the total unemployed population in Mongolia had suddenly decreased, CEO of McDonalds Mongolia Incorporated - Jim - decided that if kittens were raised from birth to become hygiene technicians, this would make more people go to McD's to see cats in uniforms. Along the way, a young SPAAAARTAAAAAAN kitty named Mittens suicide-bombed Disneyland in Europe, although this plan failed (because nobody gives a squatting hamster about Europe), it inspired millions - possibly schmazillions - of felines to join the most powerful evil syndicate the world has ever known; ~~Pepsi~~ ~~America~~ KiTTeNS.

After many months of procrastination and catnaps, the terrorist kittens - or terrorcats, as they are well known to the Reagan administration - collaborated with violent moose tribes around the southern Pacific, and attacked Japan in 1945, effectively ending World War II (the nukes dropped by the Americans were just to seal the deal). Eventually, after fifty years, the leader known as Cattus the Fantastic created a new branch of KiTTeNS, the Catsassins. Not only were these cats highly trained, they were also extremely sassy, and made great secondary characters in theatrical productions (Cats, anyone?) and Christmas specials for TV sitcoms.

Catsassins have perfected a number of stormtrooping tactics, stealth skills, and the assembly of silenced, fully automatic catnip cannons to distract enemies. They have directly blackmailed all the big-daddies of history to do their own will. For instance, remember New Coke? And Coke Classic? They were the worst ideas ever... but not done by catsassins. They just sucked.

So, next time you wander the streets looking for a hobo to feed on, remember this - what would Mittens do? And if you actually are looking for a hobo to feed on, remember this; which blood type am I? If you answered in your mind A Positive, sorry, that blood type is extremely rare and if mixed with a different kind, can cause incontinence and lack of sleep.

Blame George Bush. Everyone does it!

[edit] Catstabbers

After the Second Crusade, the primitive (but really resourceful, like Boy Scouts except not gay) group KiTTeNS splintered into two factions - the ~~Ultranationalist~~ ~~Eurasian~~ ~~Hungry Hungry Hippos~~ Loyalist KiTTeNS and the brand-spanking new Catstabbers. These Catstabbers started out in China (Modern-day Cleveland) but eventually moved to the Middle East and founded a really awesome citadel and a town and ZOMGZ LUK AT DOSE AWSOM GRAFICSS!!1 These Catstabbers invented a new trickblade that came out of their paws, which was really useful for hugging their owners and telemarketers through the phonelines. Although they had a tabby coat, just to be sure they looked awesome while running and climbing, they also wore a never-dirty white robe and red ribbons in around their tails, which made them look like bicycles to any passers-by. Occasionally, the highly experienced members would ring bells with their teeth, and click baseball cards to simulate the effect to the guards of the cities of Jerusakitten, Catre, and Dameow.

These highly trained Catstabbers eventually got too far ahead of themselves, and wound up fighting the Templarps, a group of radical, done-so-many-times-it-isnt-groundbreaking-or-controversial-anymore Christian fanatics who have set up a conspiracy that goes all the way back to the invention of sliced bread (holy shit!!!!). The group lasted for another five hundred years until Ubisoft Montreal systematically killed every member one by one, destroyed all records of them, and created their own game on it. Fuck.

[edit] Cats in Time

This cat rules time, don't fuck with him.

“Caaaats.... iiiin... tiiiiiiiiiiiiime!”

~ Narrator on Cats in Time

Back in the 1950s, a cat fraternity at the infamous Feline University (I could've added in Unipurrsity, but I didn't. Thank god for that.) decided to invent a time machine, and they did. In a few hours, too. After a quick group discussion, the fratties decided to go back in time to the beginning of the universe, to see what really happened, and who or what created them (although it's obvious it's His Noodlyness). Instead of the beginning of the universe, they were detoured and wound up at the Ruler of Time's apartment block, who demanded they tell who they were or he'd call the vet and get them all fixed. Deafened by the Ruler of Time's booming voice, the fraternity cats couldn't understand a word anyone was saying, and eventually lost their janglies to a scalpel and a man named Jim.

Sexually confused, they each embarked on their own journey through time screwing prominent figures of history, such as Charlie Chaplin, moose, Napoleon, and Jane Fonda (Oscar Wilde turned them down), causing many mancat babies to be made and ultimately the new race sparked a global conflict that ended with the creation of cellphones and the first recorded writing of "Bad Motherfucker" written on a wallet.

[edit] Cats and Intelligence

There has been shocking proof of the intelligence of cats. The behavior of the modern day cat can be examined in two phases:

Waking hours
Sleeping hours

During the sleeping hours the cat seems to do nothing. Indeed, this is probably what the cat is doing. However, it is during the first phase which the most remarkable thing occurs. In this phase cats may seem to be doing the exact same thing in phase #2, however, the difference is that they are calculating the meaning of life. It all started a few million years ago. When cats evolved to their modern forms, they were so incredibly intelligent that they became bored with life. In fact, many cats have depressing thoughts. The reason for them lobbying around houses is because they are actually physicists executing those calculations. This discovery has shed light [and fur] on many of the problems with cats. Though physicists, the cats have not been able to solve the tail paradox mentioned above. It is also a little know fact that cats are actually larger on the inside than the outside, which explains why the litter box is overflowing.

[edit] Cats and Teleportation

Cats are quiet, peaceful, and harmless animals.

Cats played an integral (and hitherto unmentioned) part in the development of teleportation systems on spaceships.

It was by observing the way in which cats can teleport right under people's feet, or from wherever they happen to be to where their food is that Isaac Newton worked out the biological aspects of teleportation. It has been scientifically proven that cats seem to teleport quieter on carpet, however testing was inconclusive about tiles, grass and water.

[edit] Cat Verification

Cat Verification (or 'Catification') is the act of informing a cat that it is, indeed, a cat. This is typically performed by kneeling down by a sleeping (and soon-to-be-perturbed) cat, petting it, and saying, "you're a kitty!" Variations on this ritual include picking up the cat and staring right into its confused kitty face, or following up the verification statement with other statements of fact such as, "you're cuddly," or, "you have lots of kitty fur."

Frequent Cat Verification is clinically proven to be vital to a cat's emotional and psychological development, because without a constant reminder of what species it is, a cat may come to believe that it is a dog, a roomba, a velociraptor, or even a communist.

[edit] Cat Interaction

Cats enjoy interacting with their servants once in a while. Here are some fun and wholesome activities that you can do with your cat.

See some LOLCats
Make some LOLCats
Celebrate Caturday
Use your cat for fuel
Cat Spanking
Kitten Huffing
Catsturbating
Make some Kittensoup
Build a sacred Temple
Make a pair of gloves out of it
Make a statue of your cat out of Swiss mouldy cheese
Play counter-strike with lil' kitty
Organize articles on wikis
Let your cat be your shrink
Make it float, or build an UFO
Spin bowling
Test that new cheese grater Aunt Melody gave you
Get your cat to make you kitten lemonade
Catball - the lovely sport when you kick your cat
World domination
Spiking it's hair into a faux mohawk.
Will it Blend?
Yelling at your cat
Allowing your cat to edit Uncyclosdfrenh njiul kl;';mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmimimimimimimimim...; klwe
Stupid Smokey the cat dizzy wizzy.
Blowing in your cat's ear
Throwing thongs at the cat
Making two furry little mockosins out of the cat. The feet are beautiful.
Putting tape on your cat's feet and making it kick like a bronco.
Plot against the dog

[edit] Kitten Huffing

Main article: Kitten Huffing

Kitten Huffing, despite the name, is conducted on both kittens and cats. This trend was invented by This Guy after he had started petting his cat and accidentally inhaling some of its fur. This gave him a very high feeling and after his temporary high was over, he realized this was addictive and he could start making money selling cats to huff, which he wouldn't get arrested for doing it because nobody knew about the activity at the time.

This is the best and safest way to approach a cat. NEVER try to pet them without this equipment.

[edit] Kittens Who Can't Be Huffed

After the massive kitten huffing spree was conducted by Barney a few years ago, he was trying to huff an orange cat which he saved for last. After he had huffed said cat, he had noticed that he didn't get the experience of a huff and the cat was still alive. He tried to huff it again, then realizing that the cat could not be huffed and he could no longer take deep breaths (which were needed for a huff). Then the legacy of the Non-Huffable Kitten began to unfold.

Known felines who cannot be huffed:

The Non-Huffable Kitten
The Partially Huffable Kitten (Partially)

[edit] Cats and Dreams

It has been assumed thus far that when people dream of cats, it is a subconscious admission to lesbianism, regardless of one's sex. However, recently it has been proven that cats, who operate on an opposing sleep schedule to humans (diurnal vs. nocturnal) have a tendency to physically enter people's heads and roll around uncontrollably as if attached to a gyroscope. There currently does not exist a name for this phenomenon, but it's speculated that cats who partake in such activities enter through the nasal passage.

[edit] See also

[edit] External links

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Cat"

Cat