Klamath Falls
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Located in the drolleries of Southern Oregon, the small cowpoke town of Klamath Falls not only boasts a vivid and exciting history, but also an interesting life now.
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[edit] History
Klamath Falls, originally called by the Native Americans Peeceokrapp (meaning "One who's born here, dies here"), was settled sometime in the past. Does it really matter when? Really, could you ever disprove these statements? No. So just continue to sit in your relative anonymity while we continue our quest to provide answers and love to the whole world. Moving on.
The town was settled by a group of so-called, self-proclaimed, and over-hyphenated individuals. They included:
- All the Jesii
- Some other religious fanatics, like Joseph Smith
- Napoleon Dynamite
- Gary Coleman (he's everywhere these days)
- Oscar Wilde was probably there too
Unfortunately for the town's sake, and most likely your well being, the famous people of the small city moved on, because as one of the Jesus said, "Ain't nothin' happenin' here. Let's roll."
The town eventually slumped into a suspended state of being, where it seemed as if nothing existed, or ever would.
[edit] Geography
The city of Klamath Falls is located in the beautiful Klamath Basin, also known by God as the Toilet Bowl. Surrounded by hills and the rest of Calorington, the basin includes many wonders of natural life:
Perhaps the most striking natural feature in the basin is Klamath Lake, a huge expanse of brownish liquid. At the north end of the lake lies Klamath Marsh, an equally vast expanse of mud, reeds, ponds, and goose poop. And from the south end of the lake flows the Klamath River, which wends its foetid way south through a howling wilderness to the sea.
A Note on Placenames
The eructative reader will have noticed that all major landforms in the vicinity of Klamath Falls are named "Klamath". The reason is simple: the first whiteboy to explore the area was John "Fremont" Pickbottom, and by the time he reached the area he had pretty much run out of food, shoes, toilet tissue, cigarettes, horses, clean petticoats, and cocaine. He was in no mood to think up new names. One of his henchwomen would come up to him --
"Say thar Cap'n Pickbottom, we just found some hills down below the lake. Whatcha wanna call 'em?"
"HELL! I'm eating boiled saddle-sores and trying to figger how to get the hell out of this hole and you want me to think up nice names? Just call the bastards the Klamath Hills. Jesus!"
Of course the native folk, a fat and happy tribe called the Klamath people, were camped a few miles away laughing their brown heinies off as they dined on roast snow goose stuffed with savory wild onions and wocus bulbs, seasoned with sage and smothered in elderberry glacé.
[edit] Economy
The basin is also famous for its many farms and ranches that surround it. A wide variety of crops and animals are grown and harvested, including potato, cow, and onion. Unfortunately for us, none of them could be reached for comment.
During the nineties, many crazy liberal hippies moved to Klamath Falls because of the pond scum that grows in the Upper Klamath Lake. These people believe that the slimy algae is the Fountain of Youth, and if they lived on it they'd become invincible to the sands of time. They even began to feed it to their babies in order to help them live long and prosper. But the most amazing thing about this story is that it is true. Dead serious. Look it up if you don't believe us. "The Green Superfood!" They're nuts!
The town does not completely rely upon the farming workforce. Other careers of choice include:
- Fallestry
Fallestry, truly the sport of kings.
- Rusted automobile storage
- Confederate Flag maitenance and repair
- Gas station attendant
- Tobacco shop owner
- Gun shop owner
- Used car salesman
- Welfare
- OIT Alumni that never left
[edit] Attractions
Though those few residents of the Klamath Basin who aren't hicks or rednecks or drug users will complain, saying "there is nothing to do besides shoot stuff," a true tourist/fun seeker will notice many attractions.
[edit] The Malls
Yes, Klamath Falls has two malls, actually. And each mall has at least one store!
[edit] Sherm's Thunderbird
Maybe one of the most recognized landmarks in the county, besides that of Lone Pine and the permanent graffiti in the form of letters on the hillsides, Sherm's Thunderbird provides residents of Klamath Falls with hours of entertainment. You can come and enjoy Old People Day every day of the week. On Old People Day, you can follow them around and stand behind them in line while they have every single item they are buying price checked.
[edit] Sagebrush
Though originally the settlers thought that "the sagebrush lands though which [they] passed in 1843 appeared to be worthless, not only because of the apparent sterility of the soil, but for the want of water," the sagebrush that grows in this "worthless" soil can be the life of the party. You can hide in it. You can look at it. You can even talk to it. Whatever idiot said that was sure wrong.
[edit] Klamath Community College
Home to the dregs of the Klamath Basin, Klamath Community College is notable for it's reasonably good chili dogs, and terrible, soul destroying coffee. The student body consists of veterans, goths/emo's, farm kids, and assorted ex-convicts, legal and illegal immigrants, and Mormons. The majority of the faculty are thinly disguised raging conservatives, and when not bitter and cynical, are surprisingly entertaining. Interestingly, the large hay field next to the campus is actually the intended site of the actual "campus". In 2006, the Badger prevailed as the mascot of the non-existant athletic team. Additionally, at the turn of 2007, wikipedia stopped being widely accepted as a source for papers, much to the dismay of the student body.
[edit] Famous People from Klamath Falls
You expect me to say something else? Click on the link...dumbass.
