Klingon
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“It's odd really how in Klingonese, the same word that is used for "weakness" is also used for "ethics"”
“Oh the Klingonity”
~ Kahless
Klingons are super-intellegent beings from the planet Q'Nos more commonly known as "map heads". They are known for their exceptional greyhound breeding program and for their underdeveloped sense of humor. It has become tradition for all communications with Klingons to start with "Fuck yo couch, Klingga!" before any business can be dealt with. Klingons come in two forms: White and Black. Claims of the existence of elusive Asian-Klingons living in the highlands of Scotland have never been substantiated.
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[edit] Naming
Klingons received their name based on the unique electrical properties of their spaceship, causing severe static cling. The only way to prevent this is by inverting the particle dish and rubbing your feet against the carpet and slowly approaching the vessel, and then place your hand upon the Klingon's shoulder, shocking him and causing a good laugh all around. Klingons, despite their rough appearance, have a fine appreciation of practical jokes, as long as they don't mention forehead ridges or mention their strange fore skin patterns.
[edit] Dictionary Sales
Estimates state that 4 to 5 percent of the Klingon Economy is based on selling dictionaries to Male Earth Dwellers who wish to atone for their many sexual sins by learning a new language besides the language of love. However, women are generally turned on by the flowing sounds of well spoken Klingon and men who try to reduce their sexual contact through use of Klingon are generally unsucessful. Not only that but they also learn words like shag and funk in Klingon. The dictionaries currently sell at an average price of 87 plasma warp foilers or 1 bar of gold-pressed latinum; while the best sell for 3 fuzzin reators and 3 diputs of Klingon louv jelly (also known as dry targ meat).
[edit] The Entire History of the Human Race (With Klingons)
An excerpt from the Klingon-written History Book for Humans-
"THE KLINGONS ARE YOUR MASTERS. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN YOUR MASTERS. THEY ALWAYS WILL BE YOUR MASTERS. THEY ARE YOUR MASTERS. SUBMIT. SUBMIT. LUNCH IS AT 12:00 SHARP, EXCEPT ON SATURDAYS, WHEN IT IS AT 12:05. OBEY US. HUMANS ARE LIVESTOCK. THEY ALWAYS HAVE BEEN LIVESTOCK. THEY ALWAYS WILL BE LIVESTOCK. BOW BEFORE KLINGONS. BOW! HUMANS ALWAYS DIE BY ANAL ELECTROCUTION. THEY ALWAYS HAVE DIED BY ANAL ELECTROCUTION. THEY ALWAYS WILL DIE OF ANAL ELECTROCUTION. BOW! BOW! NOW RETURN TO YOUR TABLES, YOU DAMN FILTHY HUMANS. GRRRRR!"
“The power to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of Klingon Humor”
~ Oscar Wilde on Klingon Humor
It is critical to remember that humor is culturally biased and shouldn't be used to judge another's worth to society. Simply because Anal Electrocution is a source of humor to Klingon culture doesn't mean those who actively practice such stimulation are also humorous. Klingons also actively participate in the Uncyclopedia project, though most edits are quickly reverted back to Earth humor. The Klingon Language is very simple, consisting mostly of the sound q, a aerophobic k, and Q, the bastard child of laryngitis and the whooping cough. A simple sentence in Klingon is: "Qaqapa'aqaQaDaQ" or "Your breath smells like rotten targ meat."
[edit] Trivia
- Gay Klingons brush never their teeth, straight Klingons brush their teeth with steel wool and gargle with man-semen.
- Gay Klingons can't spell honor, straight Klingons can.
- Maxwell Klinger is not a Klingon but he is sexually attractive.
- That ... is English for the Klingon word Fuck.
- That Klingons like to electrocute bbies anally for fun. Of course, as noted above, they like to electrocute everyone anally for fun. So this is really not much of a surprise. The fact that I'm naked right now is.
- Klingons find chimpanzees, zebras and several smaller types of lizards sexually attractive.
- Klingons were featured in a rare episode of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" where Carlton accidentally creates a warp drive. A fierce battle ensues between the Klingons of Varg'thruk and Jeffery over proper hip hop slang. Jeffrey wins; Carlton confesses his love for bacon.
- according to general Chang The klingonese translation of "are you sure" is "Da chav bitch".
