Knuckles the Echidna
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Knuckles The Echidna,Knuckles The Great, The Knuckles, The Great Big Giant Knucklehead, or Knuckles The Kick-Ass Action Animal was a Mobian rebel who was the main voice and leader of the oppressed Mobian workers from within The Mushroom Kingdom. Later on in another universe he became President of Mobius, played in a biographical film by Tom Cruise, who is gay. Knuckles thinks he is Black, and is said to be one of the original founders of HooplaNet.
“Kick-Ass!”
~ Knuckles the Echidna on reading the above
Contents |
[edit] President Knuckles - For only 5 Seasons
In the Sonic Edition of "24" Knuckles was President from Season 1 to Season 3 of Sonic X (aka Sonic-24) played by Dennis Haysbert. He was assassinated by Miles Prower in Season 5, who sniped him off of his hotel room. Shadow the Hedgehog became very pissed hearing this and went after Tails and killed him off on the top of a Russian nuclear sub. Shortly afterwards the sub exploded, mutilating Tails' corpse.
[edit] Genealogy
Knuckles is the guardian of the Master Emerald, the son of "Locke",Lara-Le, and Bruce Willis, they're all some shade of red.
[edit] A Bit About Knuckles' Dad
"Locke" is only his last name, though he didn't pass it to Knuckles (who legally has no last name), because he is really the philosopher and businessman John Locke, and the human that is normally connected with that name was only a puppet, albeit a puppet that helped form the United States Constitution and win many LD rounds, (and wars) for various high school students (and militaries aligned with the United States) because they are a geek or take it because it is an English credit. He was a fan of naruto, a show about a yellow haired asian kid who believes he has super powers. We all know that Knux enjoyed a good beating from his unknown father.
[edit] Sonickles(Sonic and Knuckles)
sex In this time, somewhat after the Nintendo war, he was brought into a hot, Sexy and Steamy Relationship with Sonic the Hedgehog, who he stole from Tails after Tails hit him with a gun. This made Knuckles cry, and made him comfort Sonic, after Tails' Anger Tantrums.Soon, they were getting Drinks, and soon having Sex, either by Rape or by Willing. If you ave ever seen an abandoned Sega Character named Boltstyke the Hedgechidna, this is why!
[edit] The Emerald Guardian
Knuckles' sole mission is to guard the Master Emerald, which is nothing but a big, glowing, diamond-cut trinket that will bombard anyone with radiation if they approach it with the seven other "chaos emeralds" and it will either turn them into a pile of gamma-irradiated goo, or into a mutant (Interestingly it was a mixture of both found in a sewer that turned Espio from a house lizard into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Chameleon). And oddly enough, it's the key to the discovery of the atomic bomb. So Knuckles is just there to watch people who actually believe that bringing the seven chaos emeralds will grant them immortality. This is why Knuckles sits there all day, and tries to put up a fight to get the saps to think that the rumor is true... but it's a trap (and a morbidly funny one at that!) which is why Knuckles always has a Handycam on him at all times.
[edit] The Known (but incomplete) Life of Knuckles
[edit] Birth
Knuckles, being an echidna, and exchidnas being monotremes, was hatched from an external egg... but Knuckles hatched earlier than normal, and when he did,
“It looks like he licked himself out!”
~ Whothehellwasthatgirlagain,eh? (Knuckles' Mom) on Knuckles' birth
“Who the hell are you?!”
~ John Locke on Knuckles' birth
John could only philosophize as he saw his tiny son lick the eggshell even after he was out. Then he spelled STUD and SEGA with letter blocks that he just found suddenly.
“What he did with Legos I do with love.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Knuckles' birth
[edit] Early life on Mobius and Immigration
Knuckles was born in Mobius. After his parents perished in a man-train accident (well, Lara-le did, "Locke" was maimed, and presumably killed, but rumors of sightings still persist), Knuckles was orphaned at a very young age, and therefore became distant from everyone surrounding him and a hobo who liked to poke around "That big shiny rock place". His harsh younger days molded Knuckles into a Hot Topic shopping and raging "super noob" of malls, giving him power of things. When The Bank of Mobius crashed, Knuckles was one of the first Mobians to leave for a new life elsewhere in Nintendo World. Knuckles eventually settled down in The Mushroom Kingdom, after issues over money, homicide, stealing table legs off tables and making a magic hat that gave whoever put it on not able to talk forced him to leave Hyrule. His first years in his new home were marked by tons loneliness and ultimately super-depression and him leaving his apartment/rich-man building tattered with posters of cheese, grapes and hidden spy-cam pictures. This all changed when Dr Gerald Robotnik came to power. He enslaved the Mobians with his giant metal chicken, forcing them to bow before its glory. Knuckles had never had a had metal cock in his face before, and he was not about to let a fat white man have the opportunity to change that...then plan to roast some giant metal cock had started.
“Gerald? I thought it was Ivo!”
~ Knuckles on reading the above
[edit] Knuckles The Great
Knuckles grew angry at his mistreatment and daily death and respawning of his fellow countrymen. With every passing day, he became more and more enraged towards The Mushroom Royal Family and plotted rebellion. Through secret talks and meetings, Knuckles began to talk about his ideas of a better life for all Mobians even the hobos of Magic Dirtville. He was called Knuckles The Great by the Mobian workers. Within a number of mere months, Knuckles had placed a strong feel of rebellion amongst the Mobian workers. The time had come to take action. After a number of small scale strikes led by fellow Mobian Sonic The Hedgehog, and seeing that the Mobian workers had no better conditions, Knuckles began to plot more radical ideas and eventually a plot to abduct Princess Peach was born.
[edit] After The Nintendo War
Once the Nintendo War was over, Knuckles began to realise that The Mushroom Kingdom was beyond repair after the mass destruction cause by a nuclear explosion. So he and the other surviving Mobians packed up and made their way back to Mobius.
[edit] From Then to Five Years Ago
Knuckles watched the Master Emerald, waiting for suckers to be turned into either a mutant or a gamma irradiated pile of goo, thinking that they would be granted immortality. Dr. Ivo Robotnik/Eggman promised him that there would be a steady supply of suckers if Knuckles handed over the chaos emeralds. Knuckles did, expecting Eggman to be the first sucker on his mini CD+R, but Sonic kept it blank.
“You Bastard!”
~ Knuckles the Echidna on gamma-irradiated goo or a mutant, not letting Robotnik/Eggman to be turned into a pile of really horrible-smelling *blank*.
[edit] Knuckles Today
Today, Knuckles owns an all year fighting dojo to train hobos, noobs, weak-ass hackers and many other people in "How to kick some ass, kung-fucking-fo style". He is also the President of P.N.K.W.E.A. (People Need to Know What Echidnas Are). But right now, he's rapeing a whore and smoking Marijuana in the nearby bushes, watching his casino/strip club/brothel/drug store rake in a quarter of the U.S. National Budget every year.
“Kick-Ass!”
~ Knuckles the Echidna on on reading the above
[edit] The Drug Lord
(or: the Known but incomplete fake-life of Knuckles,Five Years Ago or Yet Another Universe)
[edit] Marijuana
Knuckles stumbled upon some five-leafed bushes growing around the back of the emerald trap. An hour later, all his food mysteriously disappeared... just as mysterious as the trellised rows of the stuff that just "happened" to crop up and cut itself. Knuckles also inexplicably got small wads of cash.
[edit] Opium/Heroin
Knuckles, while doing his drug exploration, came across a strange flower. Since the incident with the wacky tobacky, Knuckles made it a point to eat and/or smoke any new plants to see if any of 'em would make a good drug (and made his rugs all sorts of different colors). Fortunately, this flower happened to be the exact species of poppy that made opium, and Knuckles was stoned off his ass for the rest of the night. But like the weed, the poppy flowers happened to plant themselves in neat little rows, cut themselves and Knuckles got large wads of cash.
[edit] Meth
By this time, Knuckles was pretty loaded selling his opium and grass, and decided to take a trip to the much-famed Hawaii. Unfortunately, Knuckles was still so computer illiterate that he screwed up his Mac on several occasions, so he accidentally booked two one-way tickets to Spokane: the meth capital of the world. As soon as he got back, he had Tails, who was already working to get the soil on the island into optimal weed and poppy growing shape, to get the stuff needed to make the very dangerous substance.
[edit] Cocaine
Knuckles came across ANOTHER drug plant, this time being coca (if Knuckles found all that on Floating Island, no wonder the echidna empire suddenly imploded!), and of course it cultivated itself while ginormus wads of money just lept into his already huge bank account.
[edit] The Doom Topics
[edit] Drugs
Scroll up for drugs!
[edit] Women
As Knuckles got deeper into the "trade", his lackey, Tails, suggested he get a foothold into other vices, and Knuckles went with cluelessness into the future to only know many cool facts that would most likely kill many people if known.
[edit] Rouge the Bat
Rouge was supposedly Knuckles ex-girlfriend/bitch/ho. She was actually part of the Tehran Conference back in 1943. She came along as some girl with a headache. She supposedly did end up blowing off Churchill head behind closed doors, when Eleanor wasn't looking and out getting some sort of mighty taco with cheese and nachos, whatever that means. Little was known of Rouge's presence at this historic meeting. Knuckles will usually throw off her advances with the excuse that he's too busy, or for some reason, that Sonic's in the area and he needs to be on his toes to one up him. She's lesbian. Which was a big shame for her when the federal government ordered Shadow the Hedgehog to rape her.
[edit] Strip clubs
Tails informed Knuckles that the feds were suspicious of his sudden, large, unreported income, and suggested he go into the legal, but still high-income, strip clubs and casinos. Knuckles first founded a strip club, a logical and very non-suspicious front for a brothel, since you already have naked chicks workin' there for drugs.
[edit] Casinos
Knuckles, being an avid blackjack and poker player himself, also started a small casino... but actually tracked where the winners went: right to his strip club/brothel! That gave him an idea!
[edit] All Under One Roof
If the few winners were blowing their winnings from gambling on sex and drugs, he might as well bring them all in one place! Thus, Knuckles' XXX club was built! Here, gamblers can take a hit (to bust) while seeing a lady grind a pole... while smoking pot! Or one can get a lap dance at the Texas Hold 'Em table while snortin' a few lines! Since the gamblers were too distracted with the other vices to focus on winning, and the few that were blew their wad on sex, Knuckles' bank account got so big that it exceeded the gross domestic product of some good-sized nations
[edit] The Knuckles Club
Despite his sometimes unheroic life, Knuckles gains a cult following among certain videogame charecters. These charecters have dyed there hair red, and used hair gel to make it spikey. The charecters in the Knuckles club sometimes get an unholy following of their own, but smart people can see they are just Knuckles rip offs.
[edit] Members of the Knuckles Club
[edit] Knuckles Secret Affairs
It was reported on April 30th, during the day some idiots were jacking off to King Leonardus in 300, that Knuckles had been have secret affairs with Anna Nicole Smith, or more accuratley, the entire reason Anna Nicole Smith stripped was to raise Knuckles from the dead, to have sex friends with, but, the month before, (or so) Anna Nicole had eaten a bean burrito, and Sonic got really mad at that whore, so he carried her up to the top of the hotel she was in, told her about the "Sonic Says" YTMND's and gave her a lollipop. UNFORTUNATELY, that lollipop was drugged, and when she went to sleep, she dreamed of Knuckles and thought, "Wait, how was Sonic alive when Knuckles isnt?" and then she finally fell to the ground, miraculously, she didn't die when she hit the ground, but moments later, Sonic tried to screw her, so she committed suicide from too much love.
It is also reported that the 'Sonic' figure is a horny guy in a costume, he was not arrested because he ALSO committed suicide. (His body was found in his shower 3 weeks later)
[edit] See Also
Categories: Oscar Wildeizms | Superheroes | SEGA | Animals | Sonic
