Kool-Aid Man
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Clarence Wayne Sykes, better known as the Kool-Aid Man (or KAM), is well known as the long-lived mascot for Kool-Aid. Due to his amazing wealth however, his darker side is often kept out of view of the public. He is best known for his rivalry with walls and his annoying saying of "Oh, Yeah!" while giving children mysterious white powder.
“He is red and half full, SEE I can be positive!”
~ Captain Obvious on Kool-Aid Man
“I like being inside of him!!”
~ Bill Clinton on Kool-Aid Man
“He is the most delicious powder created drink ever concocted.”
~ Bob Saget on Kool-Aid Man
Contents |
[edit] History
In 1934, at the tender age of 7, the Kool-Aid Man was thrust into the spotlight. Kraft foods, the makers of Kool-Aid held a world-wide open audition to find their mascot. When they came to his hometown of Salzburg, Austria, his parents insisted that he try out. He was always sad and unpopular because he had tourettes (Oh Yeah!), but his parents believed that he could make friends if he was a juice mascot. Being the only anthropomorphic jug in the world to attend this open call, he was a natural choice (despite the fact that he was originally filled with beet juice). Tragically, his entire family was killed four years later in the infamous Night of Broken Glass (Kristallnacht) while he was filming a commercial in Hollywood. As a result of this tragedy, Kool-Aid Man was made a ward of Kraft foods and was granted American citizenship.
For another decade, Kool-Aid Man was forced to represent Kool-Aid under poor conditions while Kraft's profits sky-rocketed. After meeting him at a Kool-Aid promotional event, famed lawyer Atticus Finch decided to represent Kool-Aid Man's interest in court. Kool-Aid Man was emancipated and was awarded over $50 million in fair wages. Rich and free at the age of 18, Kool-Aid Man began on a life of fast cars and faster women.
He sexually harassed Paris Hilton by rubbing against her to be more red. Although speculations still rage as to whether or not this is true, as they, as well as everyone else at that party that night, were doing lines of Wango-Tango Kool Aide, as the lawsuit also allowed Kool Aide Man to free product for dropping the charges of the company's desire for a nude photo shoot.
It is rumored that Kool-Aid man briefly worked on the Manhattan Project during WWII. He was dismissed due to sexual harassment charges.
In 2001 Kool-Aid mans supply of free Kool-Aid product had ran out of to give to the children. So he ended up mixing cunt juice with period blood and then served it to the children. They all loved the new kool-aid flavor, 'Birth Canal Berry Blast'.
== July 24, 1966July 24, 1966, while attending a party hosted by Ken Kesey, the darkest chapter of Kool-Aid Man's life was born. As a practical joke, Neal Cassady mixed LSD into the Kool-Aid contained inside. The shock drove Kool-Aid Man mad and started him on an LSD-fuelled rampage.
Since this tragic night, Kool-Aid Man has become a crazed serial killer and a raging homosexual. If you have no problem with these things, kill yourself, now, and film it so it can be televised and the world can find out that another worthless idiot is dead.
After being years of exiled, he finally moved to Guyana where he was blamed for the deaths of 600 people and Jim Jones.
[edit] Kool-Aid Man, the serial killer and the lies
Warm childhood memories have often stood as an obstacle to public recognition of the Kool-Aid Man for the true menace that he is. To further complicate matters, his astounding wealth has allowed him to disguise his horrible character. He has a large publicity team which will bribe and blackmail those who threaten to release his terrible secret. In more extreme circumstances, Kool-Aid Man has even been known to make his detractors disappear.
As a serial killer, the Kool-Aid Man has an unrivalled level of efficiency. As demonstrated in most of his commercials, he has the power to burst through walls without significant resistance. He has been observed to be able to penetrate all types of walls, including the support walls of hardened bunkers. It has been suggested that there isn't a wall he can't break through. While the fact that he is required to yell "Oh, yeah!" can give his victims warning that he is coming, his indefatigable blood-lust will drive him through as many walls as needed to reach his target. Once the Kool-Aid Man captures his victims, he decapitates them and empties their blood into his jug. It has also been wildly speculated that Kool-Aid man was the second man on the grassy knoll on November 22,1963 as on the Zapruder film one can distinctly hear "Oh, Yeeaaah!"
After performing at Kool Aid, the Kool-Aid man claimed 12,000 new victims and the fans cheered for more. The Kool Aid man also raped Michael Jacksons mother, to this day the Michael Jackson is still after the Kool-aid man because he's gay too.
[edit] The Continued Kool-Aid Man Homicides
The cheesasaurus rex is a homosexual doughebag mother fucker that likes to shit on the floor and leave it there The Kool-Aid Man is suspected of hating all humans after he said in his most recent press interview in February 2007, "I think all humans should die. It isn't enough that I slave for hours in the kitchen for them, making Kool-Aid. They just don't know how to treat an anthropomorphic pitcher these days." After that he revealed he would be spending some years roaming the forests of America, 'finding' himself. However, sightings of Kool-Aid Man have occurred where he is said to be randomly bursting through walls, and then sinisterly draining the blood of his victims with a stir stick, while exclaiming, �oh, yeah!� The blood The Kool-Aid Man is able to extract from its victims, is said to be the red liquid-y substance inside of his large apparatus.
It is rumored The Kool-Aid Man strikes at night. If you or a loved one has seen this beast, contact you local authorities at once. Or call 1-800-123-KOOL if you have any information on the whereabouts of this fugitive. Consider the suspect highly armed and highly dangerous.
[edit] Kool-Aid Man: Wanted
BOOM SHOCK A LACKA BOOM On the forty-second night of the thirteenth month, in the seventh year after the unfortunate incidents of 1966, Kool-Aid Man was spotted by George W. Bush in an Al-Qaeda terrorist camp. A war on juice was quickly declared. African-Americans (see Black People) everywhere rejoiced, hoping for a national promotion of their cultural beverage, grape drink.
Unfortunately for President Bush, Kool-Aid man escaped. His most recent act of terrorism was in 1994, when he singlehandedly broke into a house and shouted "Oh Yeah!". A quick thinking patriot pushed him. He went down. He's very top heavy. Oh Yeah? Oh No!
Using his juichave fled to the rogue state of Alberta. An investigation was launched by the British Columbia provincial police, but has been put off due to munchies.
Recently, a soldier spotted Kool-Aid Man in a terrorist camp. The site was bombed, nuked, and peed on. Yet, the Kool-Aid Man's jug body was not found.
Also, there is a rumored video to exist that links Kool-Aid man to the Taliban, PETA, KFC, and the IRA.
The kool-aid man is also wanted for multiple charges of breaking and entering. His calling card should look like a giant hole in your wall, it is also his main way of getting into your house. After getting in he loures children (oh yeah) in with his o so tastey new cherry flavored kool-aid blend. After he gets the children into his spell he takes to his house.
Over 1000 kids are missing and we only imagine what he is doing to them.
Now bow your heads in silence and pray to tucan sam for their saftey.......
[edit] Allegations of Homosexuality
Apparently, the Kool-Aid Man is allegedly homosexual, or possible bisexual. Whether or not this is true has never come to light. Apparently, the Kool-Aid Man has been seen with various other novelty figures such as Tony the Tiger, The Coca-Cola Polar Bear, The Trix Rabbit, Count Chocula, and Toucan Sam. "Seen with" has been described as a likely hook-up. For this reason, these allegations of homosexuality must be brought to public light. In fact, The Z-Up guy said, "Yeah he's a fag, makes me sick He and Tony the Tiger have gotten together about 800 times now, ha, now the faggots have AID's" More possible partners are all of his accomplices, allegedly. Janet Reno, a man, has reportedly "been in the pitcher" more times than once. (Whether or not Kool-Aid Man has had relations with your face, is not open for debate, we know he has) Also, it should be noted that these alleged homosexual partners only came to light after the LSD incident of July 24 1966. It should be reiterated that none of these allegations are true or false, they are merely speculation. (They're true he's a fag!)Kool-aid man had one comment (I'm not GAY!!! you lying bastards)
[edit] The Berlin Wall
Very few people actually know that Germany was separated by the Berlin Wall for so long due to the lack of Kool-Aid. The Communists didn't think it was fair, because Stalin did not like Grape Kool-Aid, but the people did. It wasn't the people's drink at all, as was promised. So for years and years, roughly a thousand or so, the poor Communist Peasants were devoid of Kool-Aid. But on one fateful day, in 1989 or so, The Democratic side of Germany dropped a plethora of Kool Aid packets and drink mixes onto the Communist side, instead the typical bomb-crates. The Commies were ecstatic, and as they opened the box, a giant jug of red Kool-Aid with a maniacal face burst through with a triumphant "OH YEAH!" and burst through the wall, saving the Communists from a certain doom. Germany was once again united, and Stalin was so mad he punched Hitler's corpse in the uterus seventy billion times before he gave up and retired (circa 1995). The happiest person of all was the German National Hero: David Hasselhoff. He sang and sang until the entire country was singing his hit dance single: "Who Likes Bratwurst, I like Bratwurst!" It was a truly beautiful day indeed.
[edit] Meetings with President Bush
Last week, Kool-Aid Man and several other members of the NML met with President Bush. Not much was made in the media of this meetings for several cladestine reasons, but the jist of the meeting was this: Shape up or ship out.
President Bush has tired of the children of America having to watch members of such a classy organization as the NML act so shamelessly. Scandels such as Tony the Tiger and Kool-Aid Man's homosexual tryst being hacked from Toucan Sam's cell phone only underline the already wavering level of morality in the league. When you change the meaning of the word "touch down",you know there is a problem. The leagues ratings have in fact dropped since Snap "touched down" Crack, while Pop was in his endzone on his cell phone. President Bush says no more childs behind left unto...er...unpenetrated...er...
At the end of the meeting, only Tony the Tiger and Kool-Aid Man were suspended for anytime. They each received suspensions for two commericials. When asked about if his punishment fit the bill, Kool-Aid Man only responded "OH YEAH!!"
Allegations have arisen of the Kool-Aid Man's financial support and gain from a preemptive invasion of Iraq, reportedly telling then-girlfriend Condoleezza Rice that he was "going to bombard in, instill and force the ideals of Kool-Aidcracy down the throats of these damn Iraqis. And I'll make a lot of money, too."
[edit] And just remember
OH YEAH!Bitches and hoes
[edit] Accomplices
Kool-Aid Man is known to be associating with the following people:
- Osama Bin Laden
- Jim West
- Ralph Klein
- Hitler
- Donkey Kong
- Bill O'Reilly
- Oscar Wilde
- Sophia
- Oprah Winfrey
- Juggernaut
- Howard Stern (this is not provable in any way but probable because Howard Stern is everywhere)
- Peter Pan
- Me
- The Olsen Twins
- Jim Jones
- Groucho Marx
- Pacman Jones
- The Grim Reaper
- Bill Nye the Science Guy
- Dr. Phil
- Frodo Baggins
- Matt Damon
- Team America
- The Jews
- The Cheesasaurus rex
- Ethan Skinner
- Area Man
[edit] External Links
- Applegeeks Issue 187 - A brave discussion of the true horror that is the Kool-Aid Man.
- Official Kool-Aid website which continues the propaganda that Kool-Aid Man is just a harmless mascot.
