Kosovo
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[edit] --24.57.13.56 22:16, 18 July 2008 (UTC)kosovo is the best believe me im from there-
Kosovo, or its full name, The State of Kosovo is a region of Chad which is located in the European backyard.
“I can see a movie coming...”
~ Steven Spilberg on kosovo declaration of independence
“I am drooling when I think of all the electricity that will be produced by this small country ”
“Kosova will be an _open_ society, and one that uses open source and Linux. I hear they have some _excellent_ programmers”
“Their flag is so emo...like me!”
[edit] Geography
WARNING: you can only find Kosovo if you really believe its there, you cant find it on the maps.The best way to reach Kosovo is if you get to Amsterdam first and then follow the cannabis tracks until you reach a person with a traditional white hat(plis) who is smoking a joint and nursing his crotch after having been fellated by a goat. Eventually you might also encounter some of the wild species living in this country commonly referred to as "albanians" or "shqiptars" but you shouldn't fear any danger as long as there is only 15 of them, or say "qefke nonne" out loud.
Also you could use some fancy GPS device but where is fun in that?
[edit] Mythology
Kosovo is famous battle ground and one of most popular multiplayer maps for "Age Of Empires".
Kosovars like the other south-east-west countries before believing in one God(Allah) used to believe in their own god's. The most known "Gods" were:
- The God of Fear and Larceny called Ramushohid.
- The God Of Peace and Rock's called Rugohoviod.
- The God Of Snakes and Ants called Hashithaqiovid
- The God Of Rap , music ,entertainment and Hip-Hop called 2pacovoid.
- The God of Speed(metamphetamine) and Piercings called Astroharaid.
- The God Of Sarcasm and Motion called Enve(r)petroVoid
- The God Of the annual guxha games tournament(23-32 b.c) called Monohoviod.
- The God of Ice and the owner of Antarctic (he was the most powerful God at the time.i'ts believed that due to a crash in Rugohovoid's doughter Teutavahoid,Rikohovoid was forced to kill
RugohoVioD and than latter some chickens ...but never him self .After that they lived happily to the end of their lives)
[edit] Cities of Kosovo
The main cities in Kosovo are divided in two major groups.
The first group, consisting of the cities in the original territory of Kosovo are (these are only the major cities among all):
Kosovska Mitrovica Kosovska Gracanica Belgrade
The second group consists of Albany, New York. Ever wonder where all the "Albanians" came from? We'll never know.
[edit] Traditions
Wedding ceremonies usually require a fixed number of Kalashnikov rifles in order to perform the ritual of "happy shooting" or shooting in the air until you have no more rounds left. The usual ratio for required Kalashnikov's is one for every ten people attending the wedding celebration, but in cases where Kalashnikov's can't be brought because of the presence of KFOR it is recommended to use regular pistols at a ratio of 5 for every 10 people.
Srbivammamujebu is one of the oldest and least known about traditions from Kosovo. It takes place after the annual albanlaughter festival. Young boys collect the testicles of dead goats and throw them at albanian women returning home after a day of prostitution.
Other traditions include: Ceremonial mafia parties, where new members are admitted; Rioting; Violent protest's; Uprisings.
[edit] Main Events
Matiqani Open - is an international tournaments in Guxhas, which takes place from 1-5 May of every year. The Guxhas' teams from all over the world compete for the Grand-Prix , which is a pack of 30 prostitutes (10 from Moldova, 10 goats and 10 cows) , Plus 30$ cash for each member of the team. This activitiy is always supported financially by ministry of youth and sports of Kosovo.
G-Land "gettin' high" Fest is and international event, which takes place in east of Kosovo, in the city called G-Land (Gnjilane), where marihauan consumers compete in individually and collective category. The prize is all-life weed for free for the winners, donated by Amsterdam - Tirana Connection LTD.
[edit] Sports
Kosovo's national sport is guxhas. It is played in team of 21 people where one is the guxha (played by a Milos, or Lazar) and others are players. The guxha's have to stand naked while the players hit him on genitals with a unshaped piece of wood. Guxha's are preferred to be from very rare serb species living in Kosovo. The Guxha must remember to say "Guxha" to win, or die to lose. The sport has a very high fatality rate, since the Guxha has barely enough time to respond due to being constantly hit in the balls and raped by gay Albanian men. Therefore the Olympics are never planning to host in Kosovo.
[edit] You know you're a albanian when:
- You know you're Albanian when you say, "She's my brother".
- When your dad says, "Upside" instead of "Outside".
- You know you're Albanian when you've had a shoe thrown at you by your mother.
- You are 36 and your mother still makes your bed (in this case you could even be italian)
- You are 36 and your dad still spanks you for getting in trouble.
- You can name a gun just by the sound it makes when it fires.
- You have an Albanian eagle tattoo on your arm or you wear it on a necklace.
- Your parents tell you stories about how they had to walk 8 miles in 5 feet of snow barefoot up hills and mountains just to go to school.
- You wear an armani shirt when you work out or go to the gym.
- The only cigarettes u smoke are Marlboro reds and the only beer u drink is Heineken.
- You end up in jail on your brothers wedding day for shooting your kalashnikov in the middle of the street during the wedding gathering.
- When you're a girl and your brother beats up your friends cause he thinks they're your boyfriends.
- There has been a time when you were in Albanian Chat for 24 straight hours.
- Whenever you're with an Albanian and you don't know their name u just call them "o ti!"
- You dress up just to take the garbage out.
- You start smoking at the age of 2
- Your grandfather wears "Plis" (that white egg looking Albanian hat)
- Your favorite movie is "Brokeback Mountain"
- You drive the most expensive mule at your school
- Your neighbors understand words like "t'qifsha nonen" "t'raft pika" "t'qifsha familen"
- You go to Albanian parties and functions just to show off
- You can be killed in a blood feud not being known as a family hero
- You got in trouble in 10th grade when you spray painted an Albanian eagle on your highschool wall
- Your favorite hockey player is Tie Domi just because he's Albanian
- You met your future husband/wife on MSN Messenger or steal her (in this case you cold even be greek)
- You are known to vandalize nightclubs with your cousins (at least 47 of them)
- You can be heard 3 blocks away blasting sinan hoxha and bujar qamili greatest hits
- You don't end up in jail on your brothers wedding day for shooting your kalash in the middle of the street during the wedding.
- All of your dads co-workers know the history of Albanians.
- When you use "RAKI RUSHI" for everything that is physically or mentally wrong.
- When you use "Kos" (yogurt) or "Kastravec" (pickle) to soothe your sunburn.
- You know you're Albanian when your parents beat the shit out of you with a tree branch!!!
- You know you're Albanian when you get excited when someone reads your shit stains on the toilet seat.
- You know you're Albanian when your dad goes outside to go get the mail wearing dress pants, a white wife-beater, and high black dress socks while smoking a cigarette.
- You can spot an Albanian a mile away by the ears and teeth.
- You know you're Albanian when you work at a restaurant that your dad or uncle owns (in this case you could even be italian)
- Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
- You always say "open the light", instead of "turn the light on".
- You are proud that "50 Cent" performed in Prishtina but pissed off with knowledge that "Red Hot Chilli Peppers" performed in Serbia.
- You say bye 15 times before hanging up the phone.
- You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.
- Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making long distance calls.
- You know your Albanian when your sister gets married to a guy she's only seen once when she was 3.
- You know you're Albanian when your mom kicks you're ass with a wooden spoon and you're married.
- You know you're Albanian when you have beans 3 meals a day.
- You know you're Albanian when after eating beans you can't stop farting.
- You get into trouble with someone and have over 25 relatives along with mafia connections to come and help you.
- Your relatives ask you at least 6 times about every member of your family every time you meat them.
- You are born with bags under your eyes, you can fly a small distance with your ears and you always look "unfinished".
[edit] Things you cannot experience without living in Kosovo:
- Power cuts because of beakdown in Kosova A.
- Power cuts because of beakdown in Kosova B.
- Power cuts because of beakdown in Kosova A and B.
- Power cuts because of beakdown in Kazan.
- Power cuts in the middle of the movie.
- Power cuts without reason.
- Going mad on power cuts.
- The joy when ecectricity comes.
- Earn 2 euros per month and spend 5.
- Burek and yoghurt only for 0.75 Euro.
- Watch newest movies before they are shown in cinema in US.
- Clothes 'Made in Italy' made in Turkey.
- Looking to marry your younger brother at age 15.
- Not giving up to get a Shengen visa even after 15 failures.
- Showing off with your Macedonian passport.
- You cannot have a shower after 22:00 because of water cuts.
- Home made Marlboro cigaretts.
- Smoking while waiting on the line on hospital at the lung doctor.
- Albin Kurti trying to stop you from eating plazma ('cause it's a Serbian product).
- Eat pizza with mayonnaise and ketchup.
- Complaining that your brother haven't send you money from Switzerland.
- Small and big machiato.
- Machiato wothout lead.
- Every 2 minutes a child comes to you to sell an Orbit or Marlboro to you.
- Banjalluqki.
- Bet on footbal everyday and hope that someday you will win.
- Going mad every day because Bayern made you loose on a bet ticket.
- Make plans everyday on how you are going to open a new business while staying all day long on a cafe.
- Working in UNMIK.
- Collecting girs' email addresses all day to add them to MSN and stalk them.
- Looking to find any relative to find you a place to work in Aeroport or PTK.
- You are about to play PS2 with soccer "Winning Eleven 11 & 7" three times a day.
- Eat a hamburger Fati.
- Buy RC Cola and Taxi Chewing gum only for 0.35 Euro.
