Crack
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“In Soviet Russia, crack whips YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Cracking whips
Contents |
[edit] SNORT
Crack-Cocaine, known colloquially as Crack, or "rocks", is a narcotic, and like all good things, was invented in the late 1970’s at the University of California, Berkeley and is distributed by the United States of America under a BSD licence in cooperation with The Man. It was distributed in an effort to purge the nation of African-Americans, but has managed instead to only re-subjugate them to Caucasian dominance after a temporarily successful revolt, known commonly as the “Civil Rights Movement”. Though the purge was incomplete, this secondary effect has been deemed “satisfactory” by The Man, the unquestioned clandestine ruler of the United States and the world.
[edit] Chemistry
Crack is mined in an impure form, containing small amounts of cocaine, human fecal matter, beer, bat guano and monosodium glutomate. With a more recent method, patented by GlaxoSmithKline crack can now be fully synthesized from the blood of newly born kittens.
Crack was immediately confiscated by The Man, and remained unused for several years, as The Man and his advisement council could not decide of how to use it. In addition, The Man and his council were overseeing the impending assassinations of the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Senator Robert F. Kennedy.
Knowing the dangerous potential of Crack, it was kept secret to keep Caucasians from becoming addicted, as that was seen as a potential way to cause the downfall of the race, leaving the world to Wetbacks and Panic! At The Disco fans. However, after the successful assassinations of King and Kennedy, and the quelling of the subsequent riots, it was decided that Crack would be released – in an effort to stem the growing resentment of blacks toward whites. The goal was not to change opinions, but rather to kill blacks. If unsuccessful, a secondary plan was to create a community-wide, narcotic-induced hysteria, rendering blacks unable to “get it together” to take on The Man.
[edit] Crack and Blacks
1980’s
The first widespread release of Crack came in 1981, when The Man sent an emissary to Harlem, NY, to meet with local street-level drug dealer Leroy “Moochie” Barnes, aka Chris "Rock". The emissary identified himself only as “Will Case”. Barnes intimates that the stranger was wearing a CIA badge and offered Barnes the chance to “slang that killa shit”.
Epidemic
Barnes, not one to pass up an eloquently presented deal, immediately bit. The immediate success of the drug sales led to Barnes skyrocketing to the top of the criminal underworld. He went from “corner watcher” to “boss” in eight months, the fastest criminal rise ever, according to statistics printed in “Crack Today” magazine.
Soon, the drug started to take hold of the community nationally, and the progression of blacks and other poor inner-city peoples since the 1940’s was becoming precariously tenuous. Eventually, Crack, coupled with the then-new Hip-Hop music, came to cause a complete collapse of the support system and culture blacks had fought to create over the previous several years.
“Satisfactory”
Contrary to what The Man and others in his circle had hoped, Crack did not end up killing blacks, and though it caused them to kill each other in record numbers, it wasn’t enough to eradicate them from the planet, as The Man had wished.
However, The Man and his cohorts started to notice an interesting and developing trend: Crack and Hip-Hop allowed them to re-subjugate blacks and other poor people to his rule. The Man immediately introduced low-paying, slave-wage jobs in order to complete some of the staggering paperwork left undone after the ascension of the Jews to second-class citizens. This particular idea has not found widespread success however, as blacks have shown resistance to the idea of work - particularly in customer service situations where efficiency and friendliness are important. Despite this, blacks remain as solid third class citizens, just ahead of Mexicans, though Mexicans are increasingly showing signs of "leaping the fence" to move ahead of blacks. Mexicans have become incredibly adept at fence leaping in recent years.
[edit] Usage
Crack can be ingested in any number of ways, but is most often eaten. It is often cooked beforehand, though sometimes it is ingested raw or “sushi-style”. When cooked, it is usually served with a tarragon garnish and a béarnaise sauce, with a side of roasted, segmented asparagus. It has been described as having a taste not unlike that of feces, a staple ingredient in the cuisine of Gordon Ramsay.
[edit] Popularity
Crack mainly found popularity through Hip-Hop songs, largely through the efforts of Notorious B.I.G., a rapper known to eat his share of crack. Notorious was estimated, at the time of his death, to weigh over 700 lbs., mostly Crack weight.
[edit] Chappelle's Show
Notorious Crack-user Dave Chappelle created controversy when he got a TV show under the alias "Tyrone Biggums" and used it to show the world how to eat Crack. He also popularized the idea of inhaling Crack, but this fell out of favor when the rocks got lodged in users’ bronchial tubes. He is widely believed to be the inventor of Crack, but this claim is erroneous.
