Kubbuteo

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Kubbuteo is a tabletop game in which the object is to knock over wooden blocks by flicking wooden disks at them. It is a miniature version of Kubb and appeals mainly to Kubb fans with insufficient acreage to enjoy its full-size parent. It should be distinguished from Carpet Kubb which, though also an indoor game, is highly dependent on the length of the shag.

[edit] History

Kubbuteo has enjoyed a long and chequered history from its humble beginnings as an improvised pub game.

[edit] Game pieces

There are typically seventeen game pieces used in Kubbuteo:

Ten Kubbs, rectangular wooden blocks about 3 cm tall and 1.7 cm square on the end.
One King, a larger wooden piece around 6 cm tall and 2 cm square on the end, sometimes adorned with a cherry wood sceptre on the top.
Six wooden Disks, around 2 cm in diameter.

[edit] Setup

As Kubb, but divide each dimension by 5 to give a valid simulation. A typical dining table is usually large enough to stage Kubbuteo.

It can be played using pieces from other games, such as Jenga and is easy to set up and play.

[edit] Variants

Travel Kubbuteo, for use in environments such as a coach, train carriage or caravan uses pieces scaled to 1:30 and an arena the size of a tabloid newspaper. It is not recommended for use during air travel as recently approved security bye-laws forbid such items in hand luggage. (Viewers of the movie United 93 will remember the scene in the aircraft toilet in which the terrorist assembles a pretend bomb using only wire, red tape and what looked suspiciously like Kubb pieces.) Matchsticks are used for flicking, as in this version the pieces are flicked, like traditional Subbuteo.
- Travel Kubbuteo is a game based on improvisation and short trousers. The scale of the kubbs can vary. Each player starts with 20 matchsticks to flick, and if these are lost or ignited during the game, they may be replaced.
An interesting variant being played in London at present is Office Kubbuteo, which uses any stationery that is ready to hand. This recent addition to the growing portfolio of Kubb-related sports has a strong following in the legal and media industries, where inter-departmental and inter-industry leagues are flourishing. At a recent Lawyers vs Marketing Professionals invitation event, sponsored by Post-it, from the 16 teams attending, a group of trainee barristers soundly beat a well-equipped team of advertising art directors in the final. Three legal secretaries were knocked unconscious in the semi-final chukka.
- An Office Kubbuteo match consists of five games, with members of the team taking turns to play in strict rotation. Measurements using office rulers (or digital tape measures, for matches involving estate agents) are permitted to settle disputes. A game will typically last five minutes, or the length of a tea or cigarette break. New office anti-smoking laws mean that many professionals now smoke and kubbute simultaneously on the street, much to the delight of pedestrians and would-be clients.
Several variants of Strip Kubbuteo have a strong resemblance to the outdoor version, Bare Kubb, which began alongside the sauna huts of Finland. So far, Bare Kubb has proved much more dangerous for male members.

[edit] Famous Kubbuteo Players

Among public figures known to play Kubbuteo are:

Former politician John 'Two Kubbs' Preston, who enjoyed a game most summer afternoons until press photographers snapped him playing during working hours at his grace-and-favour apartment.
Erstwhile England soccer captain David Beccombe -- nicknamed Golden Kubbs by afficionados. His wife used to sing somewhat woodenly in a band called The Pine Girls.
Andy Wart, drummer with the tribute band Two Humps, often enjoys Kubbuteo after lunch.
It is rumoured that John Cage composed 4'33" whilst contemplating his next throw.

[edit] Kubbuteo Addiction

Much has been written about this distressing condition, which has led to family break-ups and small children being thrown. The Friesian musician Wud Thrwyr wrote lyrically about his aversion therapy in several songs on his third album, Unkubbed. The best chances of successful treatment are still to be had at the John Preston Institute for the Kubbutically Insane in Bristol.

[edit] Philosophy of Kubbuteo

Kubbuteo has attracted much ontological speculation. The Worshipful Society of Kubbuticians meets twice a month in Watford to discuss such issues as:

Does Kubbuteo actually exist?
If I leave the room, does that Kubbuteo table still exist while no-one is observing it?
How would Aristotle have chucked?
If a Kubb fell in a wood, would it make a sound, even if no one hears it ?

[edit] References

Kubbuteo has yet to be fully acknowledged by the international Kubb community, despite the existence of a thriving Kubbuteo Umpires Association. (The recent kubb-scuffing scandal has been put to one side, to allow an international tour of Somerset to go ahead.)

Cynics suggest that vendors have been leading this discouragement, fuelled primarily by financial considerations that do a disservice to the "timber tossing" community.