Kumite

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1993 Kumite champion, Mr. Bobo.

Kumite refers to the annual convention of awesomeness where every gun-toting, ho-banging, crack-smoking swinging dick of the Multiverse comes to chew ass and kick bubble gum, and they just ran out of ass.

Um.

Strike that; reverse it.

[edit] The First Epoch of Kumite: Chimp-Fu

Kumite was first established in 32,000,000 BC when two chimpanzees each wanted to suck nourishment from the same anthill. The two monkeys fought for days, taking breaks only for sleep and fermented mangos (thus creating the first Drunken Monkey kung fu style), until the Kumite was won by a passing T. Rex who happened to wander by and eat both the competitors. However, from that seed was borne a legendary tournament where anyone could enter for the rights of eternal glory, assuming they had a band to play backup motivational music during montage slow-motion fight sequences.

[edit] The Second Epoch: The Next Kumite Generation

The second Kumite championship was/is a fight to the death between Jesusaurus rex and Stephen Hawking, which was/is won by Hawking/rex, depending on what timeline you belong to. Look at your right hand. Does it have four fingers? Ok, you're in the Jesusaurus rex timeline. Say hi to Buddha Hitler for me. Does it have six fingers? You're from a Hawking timeline; ALL HAIL THE HAWKMAN! GREEBLE GREEBLE GREEBLE! But if you have five fingers, the second Kumite is/was still in progress, due to the supermegawesome time travel powers of Hawking's wheelchair. We will/have already get/got back to you when we learn/learned the outcome of this magnificent battle.

[edit] The Third Epoch: Three-Entry Kumite

Gayest kumite ever; won by your dad.

After the second Kumite ended/ends, it was/will be agreed upon that all Kumites take place in Hong Kong, due to the fact that it is the absolutely asskickingist place on the face of the Multiverse, unless you count the inside of Angelina Jolie's vagina, but unlike Britney Spears' cootch, there's not enough room in there for a fistfight. So in order to allow this to occur, Hong Kong was raised from the sea by Zombie Moses in the year 29,000,000 BC, at which time Bruce Lee's greatx10x10x10 grandfather booted Moses right in his hairy marble sack, thus immediately winning the third Kumite and sending Hong Kong back into the sea.

[edit] The Fourth Epoch: My Big Fat Kumite

From 28,999,9999 BC to the present day, the Kumite has been conducted every on the 31st of February. Competition is open to anyone, as long as they are male, photogenic, and well-hung. However, th