Kutztown University
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Kutztown University is a combination 24-hour bar and brothel that includes a minor educational facility in Kutztown, Pennsylvania.
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[edit] History
The college was founded some 500 years ago by Amish settlers from Ohio who sought to convince the populace to give up driving cars in favor of riding bears. This legacy survives to this day not only because the Golden Bear is the university's mascot, but also because of the sheer lack of parking spaces on campus. Of course, the plot eventually failed because all the bears migrated to Chicago.
Shortly after its founding the school was taken over by an evil giant chicken, who ruled with an iron fist and also raised tuition. After a few years, such valiant heroes as Abraham Lincoln and Benjamin Franklin killed the chicken and put its severed head on the top of the main university building, where it can be seen today functioning as a clock tower.
As the population exploded and enrollment increased, the school sent out military expeditions to conquer neighboring lands. Of course, these expeditions all failed because the drunken jocks were no match for Amish villagers with pitchforks. The war ended at a standstill and a 30-foot wide de-militarized zone was created between them, which still stands today. Although the Amish held their ground in the war they were continually displaced by settlers fueled by rumours of golden bear teeth and free cigrarettes buried under the ground, until they were eventually sent off to live in a reservation near Lancaster.
Durring prohibition it was concluded that the average Kutztown student already had enough alcohol in their blood to make 100,000 beers each. So there followed a great commercial quest to tap the student's alcohol reserve in their blood.
In 1996, the number of STDs on campus surpassed the number of students for the first time.
[edit] Academics
Kutztown University is known mostly for its Slacking major / Hacking and Spitting concentration. Of course, those who find this program of study too strenuous often opt for a Fine Art Major which prepares them for a great career as a McDonalds janitor. Popular majors are also Prostitution (Education), Creationism (Science), and Suicide (Graphic Design).
The business major department staff of professors are the main characters of the K.U. academic program. The main actors are: The Ice Queen as (Rogol), Carl Winslow from Family Matters as(J.D.), Mr. USA as(Ackay), The Drug Lord as(Windle), The Big Easy as(Sable), and finally 'That Funny Talking Guy' as(Gupta).
Main character storyline: (Rogol) - A daily show of the ice queen consist of stories about her kids and husband. Many of the notes are Factors and Guidelines that will mean jack-crappity-crap in the real world.
(J.D.) - A daily show of the Carl Winslow consist of bad uses of ghetto-hip-hop culture slang, which is twisted into a phrases or mottoes for the students to use in everyday life. Some favorite lines from J.D. are that he uses a lot on his show "Shoot from the hip, you'll shot your foot", "Word, dog", "DON'T be STUPID"(my favorite), and many more. Also J.D. feels he should not teach the material to the class, in rather preaching his new ministry of 'Jesus is black' religion. Also another lesson he teaches is that California started the Holocaust.
(Ackay) - A daily show of this character will teach you how we must nuke china and india now! Also Ackay favorite phrase is "Isn't It?" which he uses after every sentence, which leads to mass confusion among his students because he will continue to talk in circles.
(WINDLE) - a funny mustache man from columbia who sells his crack at a price of showing up to class everyday. Most of his shows are very funny and informative, but most students still fail because they are so addicted to his crack and jokes that they forget to study.
(Gupta) - A show of this mono-toned guy will make you tired. you'll be focusing on understanding what the hell he is saying rather than taking notes. Also his favorite line is "OKAY?" He likes to use that line after every sentence like Mr. USA.
[edit] Enrollment
Kutztown University strictly enrolls only Pennsylvania residents and will shoot any New Jersey resident who applies. There are currently 10,000 students, 15,000 STDs, and 100,000 Squirrels enrolled at Kutztown University.
Kutztown University affirmative actions program insist of 20 women, who are non-talented Hamburger Management Majors ((aka Art Majors)), per each Male business student.They feel it's their job to give women who can scratch their own blood onto a piece of paper, is worth giving them a degree.
Foreign Whores go to Shorty's Bar come unleash their bad dance grinds and have sex with guy who had already banged a friend of theirs, that go to Kutztown University.
[edit] Campus Life
Life at Kutztown revolves around drinking and annoying other people as much as possible. Kutztown students occupy the town of Kutztown every night terrorizing third-generation decedents of the Amish War survivors. The campus police do not see this, because their sole purpose on campus is to give out parking tickets. Which is a pretty lucrative job since every KU student feels the need to drive their car no matter where they are going and then park it where ever they want to. Even though the entire town is about 2.5 miles long and 1.5 miles wide and there's a shuttle bus that is on a continuous loop. 97% of the students feel the need to bring and drive their car 24/7.
