Kylie Minogue
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“She taught me how to 'Australian Kiss'. It's like a 'French Kiss' only down under”
~ Michael Hutchence on Kylie Minogue
“She's good at that, made my top list of pop-stars i've defiled.”
~ Peter North on Kylie Minogue
“This one time at band camp.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Kylie Minogue
“She's the Dick to my Cheney.”
~ Condoleezza Rice on Kylie Minogue
Kylie "Queen of sluts" Minogue who can't fucking sing a note, is a mineral, with a very low electrical resistance, enormous tits and a nice arse. Kylie Minogue is a non-flamable inert gas used as a pharmecutical antitoxant. "Kylie" is also the Indonesian word for "Stoat Godess Multiplication Table"
Because of Kylie's electrical properties, she is often found in demanding opto-electrical situations and is widely believed to hold the key to quantum cryptography. She is the more beautiful and talented older sister of Dannii Minogue, who cannot sing or dance. She should go far, such as the moon. She is also the most successful mineral ever to make headway in the popular music charts, beating granite, which once made it to number 47 in Iceland with a cover version of "Saturday Night's All Right for Fighting", and rivalling the TV fame of Sapphire and Steel. The fact that steel is not a mineral as such never seemed to bother anyone. The imposter.
Kylie's fine structure is of minute scale and she can generally only be viewed with a microscope. This, however, is very difficult as she rarely sits still. Fixing her to a glass slide with a minute amount of superglue generally suffices for a short but exciting viewing.
She has recently supported pop legends Pat And Mick on a 'greatest hits' tour of Tasmania. In December 2006 it was reported that she turned down an offer to support 90s stripper Dannii Minogue on her upcoming 2007 circus tour in the United Kingdom.
She is also the less talented of Michael Jackson's older sisters, formerly part of the Jackse Five.
Kylie started her career in the soap opera The Sullivans appeared on the TV show The Sopranos as a prostitute in a whorehouse. The whorehouse was doing great business as Christopher moltesante noted that "half the neighbourhood is waiting in line here for blowjobs". (Christopher wanted protection money)
The infamous criminal mastermind, Lord Snarebottom, has vowed to marry Kylie. "I took one look at Kylie, and that was it for me. My life, as I knew it, was over.", quipped the smitten Lord as he described his extraordinary affectation for Kylie from his prison house on Devil's Island. "As soon as they let me out of here, I'm going to marry Kylie", he said as we were departing. We didn't have the heart to tell him that no one leaves Devil's Island...
In 2038, Minogue was banished to the Phantom Zone for excessive use of hair bleach and was sent flying [slowly] through space. In the year 2047 she returned to Earth's orbit and crashed in the middle of Times Square in New York, thus setting up Cloverfield 5's opening shot, filmed by Michael Bay as J.J. [Jiant Jew] Abrams had died in 2012 along with the rest of earth's population. The world was started again in 2013 after some [ahem]... interesting situations.
Minogue's memory lives on in every piece of jewelry with diamonds. If you ever hear a high pitched vibrato emanating from your ears, Kylie is saying hello.
P.S. If you're looking for rare demos contact that big woofter ellectrika, AKA Elle Richardson (the bleeding tranny) she can be found on various kylie forums, bragging about what she owns, and posting pics of herself.
