Lada
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
 PIECE OF CRAP WARNING!This page is a piece of crap. The author(s) acknowledge this.
|
“A whole Lada love.'”
~ Led Zeppelin on Lada
“...”
~ Claude Speed on Lada
“I am Jeremy Clarkson. Lada is better than me. yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay”
~ Jeremy Clarkson on Lada
Lada is a favourite Russian means of transport. There is big tension in Russia to classify it as an Automobile, although it suits the term of "self-constructed carriage" better. Russians buy Ladas in pre-constructed status, with about 55% of parts in their places. Final assembly should be done by buyers with an assist of big hammer and vodka.
Vodka is a kind of software called liquidware which controls the hammer. Vodka is programmed to operate the construction of a Lada; it has all the necessary blueprints programmed into it. It's created by a well known liquidware creator: "L.I.T.M.I.K.H.I.D." ("Leave It To Me I Know How It's Done") Corp. The blueprint program itself is called: "W.Y.P.O.S" ("Work You Piece Of Shit") Blueprint management system.
I was stopped for speeding in a Lada, but I was let off due to the cop laughing too much.
Still, you don't have to think up any Lada jokes, the Lada is a joke. In Soviet Russian language, "lada" means swan - the name was chosen as the vehicle is basically an ugly duckling, but another nation had already claimed the name Turkey.
Contents |
[edit] Lada cars
- What must you always have inside your Lada?
- A roll of toilet paper
- What do you call a classic Skoda?
- A Lada.
- What is the equality between a Lada and a magic wand?
- They both only works in the adventures.
- What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?
- A miracle.
- What do you call several Ladas at the top of a hill?
- A car factory.
- What do you call 100 Ladas at the top of a hill?
- A scrapheap.
- There is a big competition at my local pub
- the first prize is a Lada
- the second prize is two Ladas.
- What's the difference between a Lada and tickets for an Oasis concert?
- Oasis tickets go fast!
- What do you call a Skoda full of food?
- A Lada.
- What do you call a Lada in the winter?
- A freezer.
- What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?
- A garbage can.
- What do you call a convertible Lada?
- A Skip!
- A dumpster!
- What do you call a Lada with no doors or windows?
- A climbing frame!
- A jungle gym!
- How many people in a Lada?
- Four. One to hold the wheel, three to get out and push.
- How do you overtake a Lada?
- Walk
- What is the difference between a Lada and the flu?
- You can get rid of the flu.
- What is a Lada in 6 meters length?
- A Chevrolett.
- Why buy a Lada?
- I dunno...dining table? Really sharp bed?
[edit] Lada manufacturing
- How many people does it take to build a Lada?
- Four. Two to fold and two to paste.
- How do you reduce the wait for delivery of your new Lada ?
- Bring back political crime in Russia
- How do you tell if your Lada is made by convicts or ordinary workers?
- The car assembled by convicts has nothing missing.
- How else can you tell if your Lada was built by convicts?
- Once it leaves the factory it runs and runs and runs ...
[edit] Drivers
- How do two Lada drivers recognise each other?
- It's easy... they already met at the garage this morning.
- How do you know that your Lada has been burglarized?
- Nothing is missing.
- Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into?
- The thieves put him a radio in!
- What do you call a Lada driver who says he has a speeding ticket?
- A liar.
- How can you tell a man driving a Lada?
- He wears dark sunglasses.
- How can you tell a Lada driver from the other people wearing dark sunglasses?
- He doesn't have a white cane.
- What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?
- You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
- Why are Lada drivers like corned beef?
- They both come in tin cans
- What is the similarity between a Lada and a bathtub?
- You cannot step out of either one in a public place.
- What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep?
- It's less embarrassing being caught getting out the back of a sheep.
- Whats the difference between a Lada and a tampon?
- The tampon comes with its own tow rope.
- I had to part with my Lada as it was costing too much,
- I was only doing 10 miles to every pair of trainers/running shoes.
[edit] Operation and maintenance
- How do you double the value of a Lada?
- Fill the gas tank.
- Chuck a penny into it.
- Can Moskvitch accelerate to 120 km/h?
- Yes, but only once.
- What is the maximum acceleration of a Lada?
- 9.8 m/s²
- Why is there one extra pedal on a Lada?
- To inflate the airbag.
- What do you call the shock absorbers on a Lada?
- Passengers.
- What happens if you apply rust remover to a Lada ?
- The Lada disappears.
- Don't forget the Lada emergency get-you-home kit!
- Walking boots & a map.
- What does the trip counter in the Lada say when it is passing 10,000 miles?
- Game over!
[edit] Options
- What do you call a rust-free Lada?
- A miracle.
- Air.
- What's the definition of an optimist?
- The owner of a Lada with an alarm system.
- The owner of a Lada with a radar detector.
- The owner of a Lada with a trailer hitch.
- Want to buy the new 16 valve Lada?
- 4 in the engine, 12 in the radio.
- How do you recognise a Lada Sport?
- When the driver is wearing running shoes.
- What do you call a Lada with twin exhaust pipes?
- A wheelbarrow.
- What do you call a Lada with automatic windows?
- A toll booth.
- Why do Ladas have a rear wash wipe ?
- To remove the flies that crash into them.
- Why do Ladas have heated rear windows?
- To keep your hands warm whilst pushing them.
- Why do Ladas need two spare wheels ?
- So you can cycle home.
- A guy goes into his local garage and asks "Do you have a windscreen wiper for my Lada???"
- "Sounds like a fair swap" replied the man in the garage.
- What do you get if you fit a turbocharger to a Lada ?
- A K-car.
