Lampeter
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Lampeter is a rural market town situated awkwardly in some grotty little hills in a most wretched corner of Wales.
It is famed for it's University, Weekly Farmer's market, as well as it's 26,000,000 sq. ft. Swimming Centre/Animal Testing Complex and world renouned publishing house... And a mysterious beanbag that lies in the middle of the market square, and smells oddly alike cucumber sandwiches.
Lampeter is also, less known for being the home of the Free Wales Army and the birthplace of Welsh nationalism. If you're a saeson cunt or any nationality other than Welsh it is advisable you approach this town with caution. A bullet proof vest and spade proof helmet are advised.
At the checkpoint, on the border of the town, you will be asked to reveal the last 3 generations of your family history. If you cannot prove that at least 3 previous generations of your family are pure welsh (that is both parents who's parents and their parents previous are all Welsh) then you will not be welcome in any of the local pubs. If you cannot sing, chosen at random, any verse of the national anthem, you may be chased away by a guard sheep and the local militia men.
The town is a town full of many interesting contrasts. For instance - half the town is quite pleasant, the other half is shite. Half the population is Welsh, the other half are under-70. Half the year the weather is shite, and the other half the air hangs heavy with the smell of sewage.
But always there is one common denominator. There is always fuck all to do. And even when you've got something to do, (or someone to do it with), there's nowhere to go. So here I present to you, a long and detailed townus-ography of Lampeter...
Contents |
[edit] Lampeter: A tragic yet mildly humourous past
Lampeter does have a lo'ng and illustruous history of surprisingly dynamic composition. In 1949, Bearded residents of the town marched down Drovers Road to protest against hair braiding in cattle. There were no survivors.
In 18,729 (ambiguious handwriting in sources), there was a terrible bout of chronic glue sniffing, in which the teenage population was decresed by 147%. This odd figure is because a number of infants the equivalent of 47% of the previous population of teenagers were then shot to justify the tragedy, in a b'izarre case of dictatorship from the mayor.
On May 1st, 1997, Lampeter residents discovered their children were stolen in the night. On the same day a year later, their children were returned. As goats.
Lampeter hit the headlines again in 2004, when a small boy was rushed to hospital after consuming 500ml of Cillit Bang Stain and Drain.
And most recently, in 2005, there was a fire, a blazing inferno, in which the whole town was destroyed. A goat was rescued from the rubble. It lost a toe.
[edit] Famous Residents/Visitors/Long Haired Lovers
There is a surprising and devilishly well concealed celebrity population within the town... Famous residents include:
Upon his tragic visit in 1917, vaccinating infant residents on behalf of the British Red Cross, Craig Gannon commented, in clear good humour, that 'I would rather have my nuts tickled by a Werewolf with foot and mouth than step foot in this scummy town again.
But fear not, he was shot in the back of the head with a crossbow by local resident Gwylim Gelliaura before he was even able to finish his beef casserole.
The College recently appeared on an episode 'of 'Univ'ersity Challenge' (and less notably, ITV's Jungle Run). The team eventually won against challengers 'St. Mildred's University College, Corby,' b]y 170 points and tuppence.
There was however, an abrupt and tragic end to the game, when Jeremy Paxmann was hit in the ribs by a packet of Netto's own brand Chocolate Digestives, thrown by Archie Nostrill, of Lampeter. He suffered mild concussion. In his chest.
[edit] Strange Customs
[edit] Cake Tuesday
Tuesday is a rather special day for the residents, where they flock to the giant 'Candle of Pubes', in hope of catching sight of the elusive 'Winged Cake of West Wales' in his natural domain. Many have lost their lives in pursuit of this seemingly ridiculous excersise.
Local and National hero, Dylan Thomas, aged 7 from Newport, said 'It was reely crap. I dindt get to sea the wigged cack or the poob candle. I feel roobbed.' He died soon afterwards.
[edit] The Annual Lampeter Beauty Contest or Miss Lampeter or Pin the tail on the donkey
Thousands flock from all over Waland to witness the Miss Lampeter Competition. Last year it was won by Stranglers Bassist, JJ Burnell. There were no survivors.
[edit] Lazer quest with buckshots mounted on the backs of giant rats
Every few months a hunt gathers at a secret location to play "lazer quest with buckshots mounted on the backs of giant rats" in a bid to cull the Saes that the locals havnt yet managed to breed out of the area. The rats can be purchased from Oriel Jones at a very reasonable rate.
[edit] Lampeter: The City That Never Sleeps...
Due to constant bleating from sheep on yonder fields. It's really rather irritating. But other than that, this is a dynamic and bustling town... No, seriously, there's plenty to do... here are various hotspots...
The Old Railway Yes, the legendary Lampeter railway. Some nearby residents claim they can still hear the whistling of the train, it haunts their dreams, it steals their sugar pots, it innapropriately touches their children. Legend has it, that sometimes, when there's no-one around to witness it in any way, that the ghost of old troubled Mr. Joneseydavieseygriffithesylloydus comes out and bites the faces off tourists. But that is, of course, bollocks.
[edit] The Theme Park
Not actually a theme park, but infact a trolley bay which resides in the scenic Co-op car park.
[edit] St. David's Lettuce
Some say this miraculous vegetable has been growing since the turn of the century... It now measures 16" in circumferance. Some also say that this is fairly unspectacular for a vegatable of this nature. Some can fuck off.
[edit] The Filthy Brooke
A mythical river, never actually sighted, possibly due to being concealed by large thorn bush around it's perimeter. Some say it's full of old crisp packets, some say cigarette butts and excrement. Decide for yourself.
[edit] The Arcade
Why not spend all your petty pocket-money, and invaluable time at the Arcade? Up for a game of Virtual Jenga, Virtual Pop-up Pirate, or even Vitual Virtual Darts? I know I am...
[edit] Nationalist Meeting Point
Just outside the town you can meet at the memorial to two members of the FWA who died when they're bomb detonated prematurly. The white eagle with the diamond eyes is a prominent and chilling figure behind spiked railings and surrounded by pictures of and poems to the deceased.
[edit] Healthcare
Yes, the town does certainly boast an excellent healthcare service. With the NHS but a whimsical idea of what might have been, and Carmarthen hospital just a 17-hour donkey trek through the trecherous Camarthenshire valleys, almost all our residents reach the fantastic life expectancy of the area of 47 years in males, and 187 in women. Why so many old women? Honestly...
Anyway, there is but a 36 year waiting list for National Health dentistry, at the end of which period you will receive 1 free obligatory pair of copper plated teeth.
You, Sir, look like a coin!
[edit] Transport
With an average of 2 cars and a horse and trap in every garage across the county, Lampeter is a haven for Petrol-heads and Dick-heads alike. Despite the recent soar in fuel prices, (1994 saw a rise of diesel costs from 'Tuppence and 7' to £7.68 per litre), there is a thriving transport industry in the town. Lampeter is thought to boast more 'Accident black spots' and so-called 'Fatalities' than any other Town in the area. And that includes Llanybydder. Fucking Llanybydder. They think their roads are 'so lethal'.
[edit] Education-style vegetarian substitutes.
With it's University town status and fair sized comprehensive school, (which has achieved understandable notoriety for it's entry in the Guinness book of records; 'Most suspensions distributed in 1 day - 174' ) the air in the town is heavy with the smell of good old education.
Incidentally, a new Primary school is being built, parallel to, (and in Year 11-Year 2 bullying distance of) the Comprehensive school. It will be constructed primarilly out of toast and cotton.
