Lard

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“I Can't Believe It's Not Butter”

~ Oscar Wilde

“So, when we was kids daddy'd bring us home a bucketa lard for suppah. And, if we was good, we'd git a little sugah on that lard.”

~ Old guy from Boston reminiscing about lard

Lard is an organism that lives in the cells of animals and humans (the so-called "fat" cells). It reproduces by hyposplenic mitosis (not your tosis), and in a suitable habitat like Queen Latifah's rump can reach populations of two million per cubic centimeter.

1 History and Discovery
2 Lard in the Modern World
3 Lard as an Antipersonnel Weapon
4 Lard and Caesar
5 See Also

[edit] History and Discovery

In antiquity the Greeks thought lard might be a fifth element (along with earth, air, fire, and water) but in his great work Natural History of the Unnatural the philosopher Idiocrates wrote,

"Fire is awesome and water fills the seas, air spawns lightning and earth hurls up mountains. These are elemental indeed. But lard? Oh, come on!"

In the Middle Ages the alchemists considered lard a chemical species similar to wax, tar, snot, or a bezoar stone. However, in 1685 John Locke succeeded in growing lard under artificial conditions. The famous "test-tube fat" experiments shocked Britain and the world, and the ethical ramifications echo to this day. But whether or not it is "right" or "morally conscionable" to propagate globules of pasty white lard artifically, the experiment proved that lard is without doubt a living organism.

[edit] Lard in the Modern World

An advertisement sponsored by the US Board of Lard Growers.

By the early years of the 21st century lard organisms accounted for 5% of all Earth's biomass. They outnumbered the populations of beetles, jellyfish, and Mormons combined. The US Congress put lard on a list of species likely to overpopulate but hastily removed it again after several hundred kilograms of suicidal lard attacked Senator Tony Danza (Rep., Alabama). Danza was in the Washington mall shopping for fishnet hose when the quivering mass of lard leaped off a second-floor mezzanine and plopped onto him like 50,000 servings of Jello. While Danza survived he was left with reduced brain activity and eventually left the Congress for a career on "Taxi."

"It was horrible," Danza said. "Like Kristi Alley trying to sit on my face."

There are probably several thousand species of lard. Different species of the organism make their home in the lard-habitat cells of different animals; however, most of these species remain unidentified. Dr. Radagast Biggerump investigated those species which make their home in human beings, and had categorized six species.

Adipositus gluteuensis lives in cells located in human buttocks.
Adipositus abdomensis of course is the species of lard responsible for large bellies.
Adipositus bronte-femorus is the "thunder-thigh" species of lard.
Lactoadipo norkagrandis makes its home in breasts, including manbreasts.
Cerebradipo maxilis is responsible for double chins and Santa Claus cheeks.
Cerebradipo encephalus lives in the brain and is responsible for fatheads.

The Inuit claim to have 62 different words for lard, but of course they refer to the many different species which this resourceful people consume: walrus fat, whale blubber, Crisco, seal oil, jellybellies, corndogs, and so on.

Lard is also know by the name "Clara Lattimore"

[edit] Lard as an Antipersonnel Weapon

Certain kinds of lard can be used as weapons. Pork lard repels both Muslims and Jews, making the hogfat bomb a potent weapon for clearing the battlefields of the Middle East. Oddly enough this material attracts people from Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama, who even have a word for it in their charming regional dialect: chitterlings.

Rancid whale lard (the so-called "blubber") was detonated in Oregon, USA. It scored reasonably well in destructiveness, smashing a few cars, but its greatest impact was as a WMD -- weapon of mass disgust. Infantry which had occupied the dunes near the rotting whale retreated quickly after being showered by fragments of rancid whale lard.

[edit] Lard and Caesar

Julius Caesar was renowned for his addiction to type C lard (too complicated to explain, only the experts can understand). Testimonies suggest that while crossing the Rubicon, Caesar was constantly chewing up little bits of it. They also imply that this obsession was passed on to his friend Brutus. This might suggest why things worked so badly for the two of them in the end - records show that there was a fight over a particularly fine piece of lard. Back in the Roman times, little pins bearing the name 'Lard' on them were available for purchase - but as those pins were made out of cloth, one cannot find any surviving ones today.