Lard of the Rings
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Lard of the Rings is a popular (maybe not) movie spinoff of the novel series Lord of the Rings, except in this case, its about a doughnut. This movie was directed by J. R. R. Tolkien's son, J. K. K. Tolkien (Junior Krispy Kreme Tolkein). This "movie" was created in the Anti-Red Americas as a protest to the ban of fried Dutch bakery goods in communist Russia. As everyone except the Russians, wishes to be thrown into state of obesity, Lard of the Rings was an immediate box office record within three days! Unfortunately, its profits drew in so much of the world's money and the economy crashed. "AT THIS TIME, WE ARE SORRY TO SAY THAT WORLD-WIDE OBESITY WILL BE POSTPONED DUE TO THE CRASH, THANK YOU." Ok... Now ladies and gentlemen, sit back, relax (not too much), and enjoy the show!
Contents |
[edit] Main Characters
As we enter the story, it is now in the War of the Ring. The Ring is a Donut that gives magnificent powers to those who wear it. And IT gives the status of God to those who eat it under the full moon of a fat lady. And the plot thickens...
[edit] Hobbits
Froda Daggins - an intrepid young hobbit who always had her nose in a dictionary trying to find the definition of intrepid.
Biblio Daggins - Froda's distant great-grand uncle thrice removed. Enjoys books so much that he sees, reads, eats, drinks, breathes, and excretes books. Has a ring.
Samantha - Froda's childhood friend since before middle earth was created. Also know as Sam.
Mary&Pippin - a set of conjoined twin hobbits attached at the waist. Froda's friends.
[edit] Wizards
Gandalf the Gay - a cheap, homo, and pyro magician. Assists the hobbits while raping them.
Saruman - The White Wizard. Gandalf's younger brother, by about 1.4 million years. Saruman lives in a pointy tower, and is not gay. (that means he's straight)
[edit] Elves
Legolax - An elf created out of only Legos, laxatives, and a part of Elrond. Gandalf the Gay created him as an assistant.
Elrond - an elf-king. lord over a village called Elrond's City, and a spy for the Gestapo. "Father" of Legolax. Refuses to harbor the Donut of Power as he is Russian and does not like to be in the prescense of fat foodstuffs.
[edit] Men
Aragorn - For some reason, his name reminds me of a big spider, and he's the main protagonist, if you know what it means.
Fartamir - a man who passes an enormous amount of gas at the least oppurtune situations. Boredamir's little brother.
Boredamir - Fartamir's big brother, fights for his life because everything else in the world seems boring to this spoiled prince.
Denethor - great-grandson of Thor. highly lusts for power over middle earth, and has glasses so thick that he can see into the future.
[edit] Other People You Should Know but Not Care About
Dimpli - a midget, or as we now say, vertically challenged. Has a fetish for large blades, elf-women, and beer. Enjoys eating fried foods.
Pilsbury Doughboy - a strange creature who has long possesed the doughnut of power. Long ago, he was larger, but a part of him was taken to become the Doughnut Ring of Power.
Homer Simpson & Family - the most evil and hungry of all people in Middle Earth. They were the ones who forged the Ring of Power to satisfy their insatiable appetite, take over the world, and also to kill everyone else.
Donut-Holes - creatures who were created when Valar (they're gods) stuck some Magic Modeling Clay in the microwave for too long. These creatures are stupid as hell, bloody, and did I mention they are stupid as hell?
Black Bakers - there are 9 of these fearsome bakers, all dressed in black, riding on black animals, and they work only for the Simpsons.
The Ems - these are walking and talking trees. They are named for the sound they make whilst communicating. EEEEEEEEEEEEmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!
SheBob the Builder - one of the hundreds of cousins to Shelob the Spyder who starred in Lord of the Rings. SheBob takes the appearance of a hermaphrodite who kills people with horrible, yet educational "Claymation" cartoons, then eats them for brunch.
[edit] Warning: Extremely LONG Plot
[edit] Part 1: Donuts Taste Good
Young Froda was happy little hobbit, or at least until her entire extended family committed suicide. After that tragic incident, she was a lot happier; Froda didn't have to kill them herself. As is custom for these hobbits, she mourned for them for 1,000,000 seconds. Then according to the laws of Cremation, she covered the bodies in whipped cream.
It was after these bizarre rituals that Froda moved to her Uncle Biblio's house. One day, she was nosing around the cellar when she stumbled upon that said DO NOT OPEN. She consulted with her uncle who was presently using the toilet, and opened it despite fierce objections from Biblio. Inside, was a Krispy-Kreme donut that he had saved since he stole it from the Pilsbury Doughboy 30 years ago.
Biblio decides to tell a story, the story of how he had stolen a donut, and became the first environmentalist to conquer Smog, the god of pollution.
Suddenly, the front door of the house explodes, and in walks Gandalf the Gay, who demands that he needs to use the restroom, and takes Froda with him. When they come back out, Froda has lost her virginity, and Gandalf is satisfied for now. Gandalf takes a look around, sees the donut, and screams AHA!!! in a high-pitched voice.
He says that the the ring is the ONE Ring that the Simpsons have been looking for for centuries, and that Samantha is eavesdropping. Literally. She's dropping eaves.
Gandalf pulls her in, and tells Froda and Sam that they must take the Ring to Elrond City, where it will be safe for the time being. As they are leaving, a Black Baker asks Froda for the Donut Ring, but she refuses. The Baker was reported to have left saying, "Well, I tried. No need to blame me. Who needs that stupid thing anyways?" Sam and Froda needed many things, so they carried many bags. Well, Sam carried all the equipment, which were made of cast iron, and Froda complained how heavy the Ring was. Halfway on the road, Sam discovered that someone had stowed away in his pack and increade its weight tenfold. The stowaways were Mary&Pippin, Froda's conjoined twin friends.
All the little hobbits had crossed the river guarding Elrond City, when 8 of the Black Bakers showed up. Their combined weight was too much for the tiny bridge, and it collapsed, dumping them into the river, which was downstream from a bunch of Russian nuclear testing facilites. To make a long story short, they developed cancer and died from it in about 5 minutes. The Hobbits and the Elves were overjoyed.
Elrond welcomes the visitors warmly. He does not wish to, but the other option is for the Donut Ring to fall into the hands of the Simpsons. Anyways, Froda and the rest get food, shelter, and clothes. About a week later, Gandalf shows up and requests to see Froda and Elrond privately. They decide to call a council of all the creatures in the world to decide what to do with the Ring. The creatures invited to attend were elves, midgets, humans, and hobbits.
The meeting went on for hours, and was extended some more because many of the people fell asleep. At one time, there was only one person awake, and that would be the coffee vendor. Eventually, the entire council decided that the only way to go is to send a party to Mt. Dough, the fearsome volcano that is the only thing hot enough to burn the Donut Ring to ash. So through a totally unfair process of selection (musical chairs), Froda is selected to choose her hit-and-run party to destroy the Ring. She chooses all her hobbity friends, Legolax, Gandalf the gay, and couple of hot men to accompany her. They are then promptly exiled from Elrond's City and told not to return with the ring under pain of death.
Their first rest stop after Elrond's City is an old whorehouse called Moria that used to be under the control of the midgets. When asked about it, Dimpli simply replied starry-eyed, that, "The pleasures within were too great to put into words."
The old place turned out to be infested with Donut-holes, who had the blessings of the Simposons. They chased the entire party onto a narrow bridge, which leads out into open day. But as Gandalf the Gay, the last one to cross stepped on the bridge, it broke due to years of erosion, excessive weight, and his gayness sped up the rate of erosion by 13,000%. Gandalf falls down into the bottomless pit, and is assumed gone for good. The rest of the party sit down, and celebrate.
As they continue their journey without Gandalf, they encounter the most feared of all things in the traveler's handbook: nothing. With nothing to do, and nothing to use, the party of 8, sit down by a river. Meanwhile, Saruman is busy creating super Donut-Holes to capture the wee little hobbbits, and Boredamir tries to take the Ring of Power from Froda, but does not succeed. Soon, Saruman's Donut-Holes, get to the party, they kill Boredamir, and run off with the conjoined twins, Mary&Pippin. As Aragorn, Dimpli, and Legolax reach Boredamir, he is at his dying breath, at death's door, the end of the road, his death bed...well, yea... He says, "go avenge my death, get those $%@&!$ twins, and destroy the Donut-Holes!" and then promptly dies. We believe that Boredamir had another message along the lines that Froda had run away, but you can't come back after you died to give it.
Aragorn and the others go to get Froda and Sam, but lo and behold, they're gone. So Aragorn decides to desert them, and races with Legolax and Dimpli to find Mary&Pippin before they get turned to a shish kabob.
[edit] Part 2: And the Plot thickens...yet again
Aragorn, Legolax, and Dimpli find out that a bunch of Rohan Men have come and slaughtered the Donut-Holes that had taken Marry&Pippin. Now, theeir whereabouts are unknown until Legolax notices a breadcumb trail into the Forest (with a capital "F"). They discover the White Wizard, namely Saruman, and all is revealed to them.
Meanwhile, Mary&Pippin later escaped and meet a bunch of walking, taliking trees called Ems. They convince the trees to launch a massive frontal attack on Saruman's Mansion, Isengard. The trees are victorious, in destroying everything that Saruman has ever created. All the donut-holes that he has been creating are promptly destroyed.
Saruman turns out to be just Gandalf, who is back from the dead. He tells the crew that he has "unfinished work" here, and has been sent to complete it. (Some speculate that his job was to destroy the Simpsons, but others think that he just came back to rape people. Aragorn, Legolax, and Dimpli, now with Gandalf, journey to the Castle of Horns (The Horny Castle), where they realize that there are Donut-Holes attacking.
Now, Gandalf reveals his true self, throwing wide his gray cloak, and in a loud voice says, "I am Gandalf the Straight! All who stand in my path shall be destroyed!" And with that, he blasts the entire Donut-Hole army into oblivion with a flash of white fire. He took seconds to do what the Hornies couldn't in days.
As Gandalf and Co. turn around the bend to Isengard, the first thing he notices is that Isengard had been sacked by the Ems. The second was that he noticed Mary&Pippin chain smoking. He immediately tells them that smoking is bad for you, and sends them the run laps around Isengard to get rid of the poisons within.
As they are searching around the grounds to find clues to what happened, Gandalf discovers a crystal ball used by Saruman to watch TV and talk to the Simpsons. Apparently, it is of great importance, because he doesn't tell anyone about it. Later that night, Mary&Pippin decide to go and STEAL the crystal ball from Gandalf to watch some TV. As they gaze into its vast depths, they realize that that the only show that is on is The Simpsons. The Simpsons realize that Saruman had been deafeated and immediately send a squadron of their best Donut-Holes.
Gandalf wakes up and sees that Mary&Pippin were watching TV. He proclaims it as a threat to the entire fellowship and proceeds to take them to the nearby city of Gondor. As they approach the city, Mary&Pippin see that it is a rather large city, but growing bigger still because it is built from trash. As they ascend to the pinnacle of the city, they see in the distance, the illustrious Mt. Dough, a mile high, foaming with pizza sauce lava, and spewing chunks of baked bread. As Mary&Pippin recall, Gandalf's last words up there were, "I hope that Froda and Sam don't find the butter to go with that bread..."
And the plot thickens yet again.
Froda and Sam are walking, lost on the hills of the Mules, and when they decide to stop for the night, strange things happen. On the first night, Froda thought she could hear something, but dismissed it as a dream. On the second night, Sam woke up to se a rock fall, but dismissed as the wind blowing. On the third night, it all happened, Froda and Sam wake up, startled to see a cute little Pilsbury Doughboy.
"Ahhh!!! Who are you?" Froda and Sam shouted simultaneously. To which the Doughboy replies, "Dough...dough...my precious dough." froda sees that the creature is lost, and requires money, but Sam says that the creature is trouble. In a game of rock, paper, scissors, Froda won and the Doughboy got pulled along.
As his new job, Froda asked a couple of questions. Can you lead us to Mt. Dough and the Simpsons? Do you have any experience with pure absolute fatty acids found in deep fried foods? and etc...and the answers to which were all "Dough." with a period. at. the. end. So now, Froda says, "You're hired!", whereas Sam is, "It'll be the ruin of us all. Oh well, it's just an epic novel that we live in."
As they are traveling along, Froda sees a couple of rabbits on the ground, as she calls to the Doughboy to pick it up, all of them are caught in a snare. Suddenly, a bunch of men dressed in green come and blindfold them, then take them away. They are led through a forest and into a cave, through a tunnel, down some stairs, and behind a boulder the size of ten thousand men, where the first thing one notices is the horrendous smell of Fartamir's farts.
"P.U.!" exclaims Froda, and Fartamir passes gas and says that they'll get used to it. (If they don't die of it first)Fartamor espies the Ring of Power that Froda has, and launches into a speech about how he could use it to redeem his glory and save the world from the Simpsons
But...
Fartamir says that he will be noble and let Froda, Sam, and the Doughboy go. He believes that in this situation, with the Simpsons getting more power, the best course of action is to go to Mt. Dough. As time passes, Fartamir and his band give Froda a 1000 pound cake to take with them on their journey.
As it turns out, the Doughboy used to be the heavyweight champion throughout the world, and had no trouble lifting the cake with one hand. But more serious matters were brewing within him; he was having a bout of identity crisis and would lead Froda and Sam to SheBob the Builder and have them killed from an overdose of "Claymation" cartoons.
As they near the secret entrance next to SheBob's lair/mass grave, the Doughboy leads them to the caves opening, and tells them to enter. Only too late do the hobbits realize that Doughboy was always going to kill them. They see that a TV is on, and it is showing a strange educational film called "SheBob the Builder: One Woman's dream to kill hundreds" It shows the past of SheBob and her desire to maim, kill, destroy, usurp, demolish, desecrate, hurt, and blow up every single hobbit or man or elf or dark magical creature or God or living thing that walks into her room/morgue.
A this point, slowly telling the story from a third person limited point of view will probably rot your brains out, so I'll make it quick and simple.
SheBob come in from a secret entrance with a ruler; the most feared weapon in the world. Froda and Sam and Shebob become best friends after learning that they are all part of the club know as the "We hate people who hate us" Club. Froda hated Doughboy, Sam hated her tater tots (they were undercooked, thus, very angrified), and SheBob hated the Simpsons for trying to cancel her primetime show. That is all.
As Sam and Froda climb out of the secret entrance into the Simpsons' world, where it is bright, happy, Donut-Hole infested and the place is called Springfield. (No, it's not the one in Illinois) They see how happy it is and begin to doubt the Simpsons' sanity for destroying and entire world for a single doughnut. They then begrudgingly go down to the city and check in at a Motel 6 before going to Mt. Dough tomorrow.
[edit] Part 3: The One Where Everyone Dies By Tomato Pasting
Meanwhile, back in Gondor...
After Gandalf's remark about bread and butter, he and Mary&Pippin went down to greet the arrival of Aragorn, Legolax, and the midget. Aragorn and the others brought reinforcements from all over, to join in the fight against the Simpsons. They rally a bunch of rogue elves and men to go and fight the Simpsons. Then they go to consult the mad vice-king of Gondor, namely, Denethor. He immediatelty disapproves and says that all their efforts shall fail as he stares far into the future through his thick spectacles. Right after that, he attempts to destroy the entire city by lighting the methane coming up from the ground. He succeeds, yet he still fails because he only lights himself on fire. He grows crazy insane and jumps off the highest point of Gondor, and suicides. Aragorn and Co. start the thousand-mile trip to Springfield, in spite of everything Denethor told them.
As Sam and Froda lay awake, they look outside the window and see this veritable mountain built from dough and tomato sauce. Its fiery light in the middle of the night (hey! that rhymes!)they can't help but wonder how many pizzas that would make. When they wake up in the morning, they shoulder their packs full of food and water, and head off in the direction of the mountain.
They are travelling up the mountain through the steepest part to avoid detection, when the doughboy leaps out and clobbers Sam unconcious. Froda turns around just as Sam falls and throws this gigantic lump of dough at it, but the doughboy only absorbs it and gets fatter. Froda sees that all is futile, and runs up the mountain and into the tunnel leading to the center of MT.
Dough. There, she puts on the ring , and is immediately noticed by the last Black Baker. All three of them, (Doughboy, Froda, and Baker) squeeze into the tunnel, which immediately collapses from their combined weight.
The tunnel falls into the tomato soup lava, and everyone is killed, except the Doughboy who ended up looking like this. (to your left)
The resulting explosion covers the entire world in hot tomato paste. All life is obliterated, even the immortal ones, and nothing exists. (If you think of "nothing" as a noun, then the phrase contradicts itself, and thus, the world asplodes)
And somewhere in our Earth, someone just spilled a can of hot tomato paste all over their food.
The End
[edit] CONGRATULATIONS
If you, my dear reader, has made it this far into the story, you have been very patient with me. As you can tell its long.
If you can't figure out the meaning of the end of the story, go find someone who knows, and don't bother me because I'm busy eating tomato paste.
Now go away!
This virtual article appears to sacrifice blenders in the 1885 battle against Bozo's vector field and is also Shaquille O'Neal's maternal great-great-grandfather . Oh, and it's also sexually perverted.
In other words, it's so mercilessly random that it makes the slippery Mao Zedong cry peevishly. Do something about it before it becomes round.
