Larry the Cable Guy
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Larry the Cable Guy, aka (pestilence pony) is a Yudonian-turned Kazakh-turned American comedian, thespia, and professional wrestler who is notable for his high-minded observations on rural American life and his highly sophisticated (if made up) accent. He is renowned around the world for wit rivaling both that of Oscar Wilde and that of the average Uncyclopedia author. Notoriously shy, he is often found to shun the spotlight so that others may take the glory. Typically found in roles of the straight man or investment banker. In a previous life he was Henry VIII.
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[edit] Early Life
"Larry" was born on probation to Cletus T. Dingleberry and his mother/sister/cousin Irene sometime between 1860 and 1963 in a porta-potty in the small town of Middleofnowhere, Nebraska. Exactly why "Larry" was born is a subject of intense debate among historians. Some claim his birth name is Daniel Lawrence Whitney. This has been generally dismissed as an urban legend, but it is necessary to keep the quote marks around his name for accuracy sake.
"Larry" was born into what was, with a yearly income of $1,000, the richest family in Nebreska. His father was Duke of Nebreska, a title which "Larry" inherited upon his death, and his uncles were the Dukes of Hazzard.
He was kicked out of school in first grade after sexually harassing his teacher and future wife, Susan the Cable Girl. Larry then turned to a life of crime, terrorizing local people with racist jokes and toilet humour. He was arrested seven times between ages 6 and 10 and was sentenced to 5 years in Nebraska State Prison at age 11.
After breaking out of prison at age 13, "Larry" went to join the circus and become the famous Bobo the Monkey Boy, shocking people with his offensive odor and hairy exterior.
[edit] Pro Wrestling Career
Eventually, Larry became bored with the circus and joined the WWF. It is was here he adopted the name Larry the Cable Guy. The reason for choosing this name is unknown, but many believe it is because of Larry's tendency to spend countless hours watching incestual goat porn on cable television.
Larry won the WWF World Championship seven times, mostly as a result of destroying his opponent's intelligence with his stand-up routine or through knocking them out with his body odor.
Along with Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Ron White, Larry formed the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. The Blue Collar Comedy Tour was one of the WWF's most successful factions and the only one that doubled as a stand-up comedy group. In the end, Foxworthy ended up eating the heads of Bill, Ron, Larry, Curly and Moe.
[edit] Comedy Career
After changing his name from the more traditional jewish Larry Cableman, Larry set out on the comedy highway. Larry had performed stand-up comedy for years, but it was not until the formation of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour that he became popular. Throughout the United States, he was known for his racism, toilet humour, and tendency to poke fun at fat and retarded people such as himself. Larry became most famous for, however, his annoyingly excessive usage of the nonsensical phrase "Git-R-Done". Rednecks think this is funny for some reason.
Larry used the mind control abilities he learned from Tibetan monks in order to fool his audiences into believing he was funny, which he is not.
[edit] Blue Collar TV
The Blue Collar Comedy Tour became so popular that C-SPAN offered the group the chance to produce a conservative political commentary show. Everyone in the group, except Ron White (who was later discovered to be a homosexual liberal commie), accepted the offer.
At first, Blue Collar TV was highly successful. The show won 10 Emmys for its first season. Things would not be good for long, though...
When Jeff Foxworthy developed severe mental illness in early 2006, the quality of the show slowly declined. Ratings fell so low in February that Bill Engval committed suicide (thank the Lord). The show was canceled shortly after.
[edit] Larry Today
Larry left the comedy scene when the American public discovered that he was, in fact, not funny. Larry has become very politically active and is running for Lord President of Flushing Meddows Trailor Park in his home state of Nebreska.
Larry spends much of his free time in farting contests with other genetically mutated people, most notably Billy Ray Cyrus.
Larry currently works for Comcast in Los Angeles as a Cable TV repairman.
Larry is the current chairman of the Redneck Division of Pro League Baseball.
[edit] Filmography
- Gittin' R Done (1930) ..... Laurence the Lineworker
- Cassablanca (1942) ..... Rick Blaine
- The Cable Guy (1996) ..... Jim Carrey
- GoDaddy.com ads (2005) ..... Director
- Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector (2006) ..... Himself
- Cars (2006) ..... A Car That Says "Git-R-Done"
- Larry the Cable Guy: Veterinarian (2008) ..... Himself
- Larry the Cable Guy: Gravedigger (2015) ..... Himself
- Larry the Cable Guy: Cable Guy (2019) ..... Himself
- How to Lose a Toe in 4 Days (2025) ..... Himself
- Larry the Cable Guy goes Hollywood (2026) ..... Himself
- Larry the Cable Guy Saves Christmas (2028) ..... Uncredited extra
- Larry the Cable Guy Meets the Last of the Britney Spears' Fans (2030) ..... Himself
- Larry the Cable Guy: The revenge of the Cable Guy (2031) ..... Himself
[edit] Bibliography
Larry the Cable Guy has written four books.
- A Treatise on Observed Comparisons between the Works of Nietzche and Freud (1984)
- Git-R-Done (1985) (The entire book consists of pictures of Chuck Norris and an unidentified woman in various positions. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, this was the most popular book ever written.)
- Glitte-R-Done (2000) (A summarization of Mariah Carey's movie career)
- Git-R-Acomplished: Larry The Cable Guy Teaches Vocabulary (2050) (This book sold poorly as it contained only blank pages.)
[edit] Rivals
Larry the Cable Guy has an archrival named Larry the Cable Gay, whose book "Git-Im-Done" briefly topped the bestsellers list before people realized that homosexuals are in fact gay and thus not worth anyone's time, except for the lesbians who are unquestionably hot.
Larry also has a cyberneticized clone from the far distant future who is intent on stopping his vile ambitions. Cable the Larry Guy continues fighting against the inveitable future in which Larry has destroyed all comedy in the universe.
David Cross, the stupid smarty pants jewish (non-practicing) comedian is one of Larry's most dreaded enemies. After Cross said in a Rolling Stone article about Larry:
"He's good at what he does. It's a lot of anti-gay, racist humor -- which people like in America -- all couched in 'I'm telling it like it is.' He's in the right place at the right time for that gee-shucks, proud-to-be-a-redneck, I'm-just-a -straight-shooter-multimillionaire-in-cutoff-flannel-selling-ring -tones act. That's where we are as a nation now. We're in a stage of vague American values and anti-intellectual pride."
Larry responded furiously, calling Cross a "faggy, poop-farting, darkie-loving, liberal fag." Larry then drank 3 shots of Jack Daniels and stuck his finger in a power outlet. The feud continues to this day.
Other rivalries include one with comedian Steve Hofstetter, who titled his CD "Cure for the Cable Guy." Hofstetter was wrong, as the cure for Larry the Cable Guy is clearly better birth control and a ban on boxed wine. Comedian Doug Stanhope also wrote a letter asking Larry to die. The Cable Guy was furious once someone read it to him.
The final set of rivals to Larry the Cable Guy would be any human being who passes up a chance to eat at KFC, and would rather not bathe in old whiskey, biscuits-and-gravy, and a rising pool of self-loathing and anti-semitism.
