Lars Ulrich
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βLars is a little fool who has forgotten how to play drums and spends his days quaffing champagne and pretending he cares about music but in reality only wants to save his money so he can buy the world's most exorbitantly expensive nipple ring. What a little Danish gimp. Also can someone name something good about Denmark?β
~ Dave Mustaine on Lars Ulrich
β Lars Ulrich is a fucking cunt! Fuck Lars!"
β
~ Satan on Lars Ulrich
β There's nothing good about who you are or what you do.β
~ Cleveland on Lars Ulrich after kicking his ass at skeet, on a Caribbean cruise.
β Hey, You Stoled My Drumsticksβ
~ Tommy Lee on Lars Urlich
| Lars Fuckin' Ulrich | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Name | The Danish Knob |
| Occupation | Peter Puffer |
| Sexual Orientation | Undecided, Maybe Bisexual, I Don't Know |
Lars Ulrich is a whiny, bitchy, human incarnate of a herpes infected 90-year old vagina. Known to those "in the know" as "That Danish Knob", Lars Ulrich was actually a good person at one point in his life, dedicating time to helping little old ladies and tripping the boys scouts out to steal his job. As a percussionist he leaves a lot to be desired, and this is where his evil comes in... During the recording of St. Anger, Lars Ulrich summoned Beezulbub and asked him to grant him the most evil sounding drum kit in all of the universe... Beezulbub, horrified by this request, only gave him the second most evil sounding kit (The first belonging to Meg White of the White Stripes). So pleased with his new found power, Lars recorded the entire album's drum tracks in a record 3 minutes and 5 and one half seconds. He is also known to have recorded all the drum tracks for the entire St. Anger album with trash cans.
Metallica's drummer Lars Ulrich was the pioneer of the world famous "Lars' Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts", said to bring luck to anyone playing bingo. Based on his own drumming/bingo pantaloons, this caused a surge of bingo playing maniacs to buy shorts. They then rebelled against Lars when they discovered that not only are the shorts not lucky, but the crotch wears out too fast.
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[edit] Uber Bitch Story
In 1986, Chuck Norris went to Sweden to see a Metallica show because he is Chuck Norris. But he saw that the Metallica bus skidding around and stuff with his amazing Chuck-Vision. Chuck saved the day by roundhouse kicking the bus back in control saving everyone but that uber-bitch Lars Ulrich. Everyone was happy and thanked Chuck and everyone pissed on Lars corpse cuz he is a NOOB! Chuck becomes Metallica's drummer and they become the greatest band on earth. Chuck gets his good friend Dimebag Darrel to kill Kirk Hammett and join the band. Metallica is made president and rules the world. Lars Ulrich's body is dug up by the (or in Soviet Russia, it ups your DUG or something) but they dig it up and inject a mixture of vaginal fluids and cow urine into his blood reviving him to kill Metallica! Uber-Larsemen Ulbitch throws dead cats at Chuck. Chuck was very angry and throws James Hetfield at him killing him with James amazing metal-powers. Chuck saves the day and everyone was happy. CHUCK POWER! Cliff Burton becomes the destroyer of worlds and gets laid much. Lars also sued Napster so he can get enough money to fix his ugly face. To date, his face is still the same because no plastic surgeon wants to touch his face.
[edit] Inventions
- Metallica's drummer Lars Ulrich was the pioneer of the world famous "Lars' Magical Fantabulous Bingo Shorts", said to bring luck to anyone playing bingo. Based on his own drumming/bingo pantaloons, this caused a surge of bingo playing maniacs to buy shorts. They then rebelled against Lars when they discovered that not only are the shorts not lucky, but the crotch wears out too fast.
- Lars may or may not have invented music and jazz music, IN ADDITION TO the "ΒΏ"-symbol (also known as the red plague of southern Sri Lanka).
- He also invented LEGO Vikings series (now that is TRUE)... LEGO ist krieg!!!
- Lars has even made his own drum technique known as the "DING DING KLONK" technique. This is when you hit trash cans over a decent guitar riff making it sound like "DINGS", "DONGS and KLONKS." This drumming move is evident on their album St. Anger.
- He is also believed to be the only man in the world who can tune the bass drum to sound 'CLICK'.
- One day Lars decided to make a new form of drumstick with some metal in it. This was done to make himself look cool and take the bad look off his drumming abilities, and also to make him more money because he is a greedy shit. This didn't work tho as today most people still know him as the "trash can thief" and acknowledge the fact that his drumming sounds no better than a turd hitting the bottom of a toilet!
- He invented a sex change operation that allows the client to have a period. The side effect is that the patient never ceases to menstruate. It has only been performed on Lars Ulrich, and Hilary Clinton (Formerly known as Jerry Fallwell)
[edit] The mystery of Ulrich's arms
When the new Arctic Monkeys album came out many people said the drummer had grown an extra arm in drumming, but Lars would still outperform him. How arms does that make Lars Ulrich have? 6 or 7 maybe? Lars used all these arms for drumming throughout the 80's (see: Dyers Eve), but went back to two arms when Metallica started recording the brown album, from now on the other arms were used for wanking Lars while he was playing. This made Lars more aggressive in his drumming since wanking through a 59 minutes album hurts, it would eventually make him so aggressive that he sued Napster. Fans destroyed his CDs and said they never wanted anything to do with Metallica again, they were then featured in the "Some Kind of Goat" DVD and went like "I WAS IN THE SAME DOCUMENTARY AS METALLICA~! W00T!
