Latvia
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| UNAMERICAN |
| This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica. |
| |||||
| Official language | Latvian Russian | ||||
| Other languages | Unknown eastern idiom. | ||||
| Main terrorism organizations | National Bolsheviks;
Rabbits; The Latvians; Aborigens; Most Wanted Terrorist = Rey Lusis | ||||
| Capital | [Whodjanickabollockoff] | ||||
| Minor capital | Galapalose island HQ of Mother Latvia | ||||
| Intelligence - Total - % | Ranked 1st 0 100% | ||||
| Independence - Declared - Recognised - Lost Independence - Lost | From Sunflower seeds-eating, 1 meter tall, Eastern nation 1 May 2004 1 January 939999999 | ||||
| Currency | Latvian dižkāposts (LVD) 1 dižkāposts = 10 kāposti = 100 burkāni
Historical monetary units: zelts, sidrabiņš, vaska ritulīši, ozeriņi. | ||||
| Exports | Brainstorm, Mangaļi Mineral Water,Sviests, Latvians, Kalme LOHS, Full condoms with sperm | ||||
| Imports | Lithuanian crap, Russian fart gas, GMS, Empty condoms | ||||
Latvia or The Land of The Setting Sun is probably the biggest and most powerful country in the world, being only insignificantly smaller than the Galactic Empire.Its the strongest contentor to Honduras when it comes to the definition of BANANA Republic.
Geographically, Latvia is located on the planet Earth. The extensive northern coasts of Latvia are washed by the Baltic Ocean, and it has terrestrial boundaries with some small satellite countries, like the Republic of Afracans (an important supplier of toilet paper), Russia (a rich source of vodka) and others.
Latvians can be easily recognised by their names, which always end with an ending. This also applies to the Latvian language, which is second oldest language in the world (nobody remembers the oldest one). Latvians like to sing, drink beer, eat ridiculous amounts of hard-boiled eggs,and grow long hair. They also tend to have between 4 and 6 toes on one or both feet.
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[edit] History and Politics
Latvian tribes have been living in this territory for millions of years (just with different ethnical state than today). They were famous for their cannibalism (they also killed dinosaurs - Tyranosaurs. Actually they were one of the most reasonable reasons why dinosaurs disappeared), so the houses were built very far from each other. In 1659, Latvia was conquered by Estonia and Zululand. After a long dispute in the pub about the ownership of the country both of the invaders were too drunk to dispute further and gave it to the Aztec Empire as a birthday present.
Latvia was then under the jurisdiction of the Aztec Empire until it was finally liberated by the United States of Antarctica.
The ill-fated World War 2-era attempt by some Latvians to support Hitler as a liberator from the harsh rule of Stalin turned out to be a miserable and humiliating failure when everybody got a Volkswagen Beetle.
Latvia is considered "average", probably because they don't share well (also with information) so it's hard to judge
For a while Latvia used to be ruled from Montréal by the evil emperor Freibergarator. She was a force of utmost evil and regularly committed citizens to jail or forced them into slavery. As long as she lived, there was no possibility that the throne would be taken. But after 3000 years Jānis Zaglers was born and captured the empire, and stole a stick.
Cadet Lieutenant Field Marshal Danis Aleksandrs Butners is the prince of all of Latvia. He is currently attending the US Military Academy while he works on his Quadruple major. Latvians are also famous for their excessive lankiness, 80's music, and freakishly long fingers.
[edit] Culture
Latvians sing a lot, especially old legionnaire and rifelmen songs, for example "duj dūjiņ gaijssāh skrēijja" ("I've just farted twice", original version "You are woman, I am a man..."), usually in a very angry manner. There was also a secret "LWDW" (Latvian World Domination Weapon) at Eurovision, when millions of people were watching TV, although the plan didn't succeed because Evil and her corrupted managers sold all of the brain controlling devices to Moon-people.
Latvia's most well-known band is "Piebalgas Puiši" with lead singer Oskaras Lekunas. They play ultra-loud Metal that only a trained Latvian ear can survive. It's no surprise about the band's name - it spreads pure evil and hatred. Many foreign people (mostly children) have had their heads spontaneously explode while listening to this music.
Latvians are also known for their distinctive style of whittling.
There's a number of attractions including "Dziesmu Svētki", where Latvians sing their national punk rock and heavy-metal songs as well as performing difficult yoga exercises, performing one of Hamlet's scenes, riding an aeroplane and hunting on local bears (everything at the same time... That one heck of a celebration).
Latvians also have the "Zoophile Festival" on 1 September.The second country after Lithuania which has provided the world with an experienced zoophiliac and necrophiliac pride (thats why Latvians hate Lithuanians...they are jealous).
The best Latvian rock bands are Jānis' Addiction, System of a Janis, Jānis Hendrix, Jānis and Mary Chain and of course The Jānis & BB Jānis.
Latvia is home to Hollymežs (Hollywood is a parody of Hollymežs). Some of the most well-known films which were filmed in Hollymežs are "Mr. and Mrs. Janis" "Star Wars" (with a Vairočka Skywalker in a main role), and "Mommy Mommy, There is a Jānis Under My Bed!"
Latvia was unknown to the whole world until 1423 when a group of drunken elven generals thought to build a base from which they could control the entire planet.
Two teenage Latvians have also claimed to have broken the speed of light by using just a common Bumble Bee, a pair of nail scissors and double sided sticky tape, although this has yet to be proven. When questioned how the speed was measured, they replied, "quickly".
93% of Latvians never have used a phone, yet, thanks to their good genetics, 100% of them can hack any Windows Vista version and build ovens (Again - both at the same time).
the key around Latvian culture is its annual bear festival, where 30,000 bears are released into the main square to the sound of an umpah band on a podium they wreck the city and its seen as pointless, but as its the only thing that keeps their country from imploding and becoming Russia, they just keep it going.
[edit] Government
Latvia has one of the strongest governments in the whole world. It consists of 3 1/2 men, half pig- half man and a magic pumpkin. One of the men is the priest whose duties are to polish the magic pumpkin and keep it secure. The two other men make up many laws, orders etc, which are later given to Her Majesty, The Only And Mighty, Better Than Others Freiberga for approval.
When the Latvian year pasess (about 15 common years) the government must be reelected by using a magic arrow. A specially chosen person shoots the arrow in the crowd. If the arrow hits someone, this person's father becomes the governor (if the shot person was younger than the royal cat, it doesn`t count).
Until 1997, Latvia was under the rule of God Ra, but when it suddenly died, they elected their own government. The current 3 governors are [censored] [censored] and [censored], but their names actually must be kept in secret.
The magic pumpkin started a national revolution in 1345, but fortunately it was shot by epic heroes, so until the present day, the pumpkin was replaced by a watermelon.
[edit] Exploiting the Government
Nobody inside or outside Latvia really understands this mess. This has been used on numerous occasions by Doctors of Philosophy to impersonate the government for personal gain. The usual method is to declare oneself to be the President of Latvia (sometimes other titles, like King of Latvia, are used) through a philosophical argument, then wait for the other person to respond. If they accept the argument, you get what you want; if they do not, challenge them to find the flaw in it. While they are then thinking about it, whack them on the head and run away.
The most common flavour of the argument:
- I can make no definitive statements about anything other than the reality I perceive
- I accept the statement that there exists a thing called "The President of Latvia"
- Combining (1) with (2), in my reality, I perceive the existence of a thing called "The President of Latvia"
- Perceptions are an extension of the self
- For (3) to remain consistent with (4), it must be true that some part of me associates itself with "The President of Latvia"
- If some part of me associates itself with "The President of Latvia," it must therefore be "The President of Latvia" in my reality
- If some part of me identifies itself as "The President of Latvia," it would not be unjustified for me to identify myself as "The President of Latvia"
- In my reality, I am "The President of Latvia"
- QED.
[edit] Hidden Monarchy
As well as a powerful righteous government Latvia has a very prominent Monarchy and by far the most famous is King Benedict I
King Benedict of Latvia surprisingly unknown considering his title as ruler of this world. See article for a brief history on his life.
[edit] Latvian laws
Latvia has the best law system ever. Every aspect of one's life is codified. There are 3 main constitutional rules:
- Thou shall listen and do what your government says and what it says be true in it's essence.
- Latvia IS! (IS includes all common human rights all possible rights that are and could rise in the future and also represents Latvian dominant position in the world)
- No direct eye contact with the Queen Freibergarator.
Main criminal laws:
- You [insert crime] - you die.
- It is forbidden to injure oneself and such act is judged as betrayal of country. The guilty may choose to be torn apart by 3 wild horses or be raped by the same 3 horses.
- Cats and dogs are not allowed. Violation of this rule leads to fork in arm.
- Assault of the Magic pumpkin is the biggest crime one can commit. Sentence - 100 years of slavery in the Fields of the Doom (near Rīga, which is part of ~~Liepāja~~), where guilty must gather hot lava bear handed.
Main other rules:
- Brown bears are forbidden.
- MCDonalds are forced to serve a big plate of boiled potatoes, vegetables and cooked wild boars leg instead of burgers. Btw burgers are also banned.
- One may not betray his fellow-countryman. Penalty - being eaten alive by royal parrots
- Every man can keep a bear arm in his house.
- Being gay is forbidden. Violators shall be teared apart by Royal Gladiators in the Rīga (part of ~~Liepāja~~) Circus coliseum every second Sunday of the month.
- Being woman is also kinda forbidden, but no so much. (old rule, just a traditional value)
[edit] Military
In 2005, Andorra declared war on Latvia [1]. The Latvian Government hasn`t taken any action on it yet, but their spearmen and cavalry are secretly mobilising. As it has often occurred in Latvia's history most will be sacrificed to the Latvian gods before the battle begins. Unusually, the military is not a popular choice of career. Nonetheless, the Latvian military continues to harry former Soviet Russia, making heavy use of skirmish tactics to inspire fear and lower the Russian morale.
The only explanation for Russia's fear of tiny (which isn't true) Latvia centres around the fact that Latvia is a NATO power located directly on Russia's border and is armed with the infamous euro (€), a currency which could reduce the Russian Empire to nothing but rubble (or perhaps rubles) in a matter of minutes.
Latvia has 666 battalions of WWI-style planes equipped with modern laser weapons (green laser pointers from the Compgeeks web store) which actually has the capability to give an enemy a mild tan. Its ground forces consist of two battalions of troops renowned for their abilities in the destruction of tanks with their bare hands. Unfortunately, the active service expectancy of these troops is approximately two weeks, as the injuries sustained to their hands often reduce them to fighting with their feet, and everyone knows that tanks are immune to feet. What is more, Latvia has a weapon of mass destruction - a so called toilet bomb which showers the surrounding area with thousands of toilets, destroying any living creature which makes contact with their hazardous contents.
There is unofficial information about rich tank-ores in Latvian and Estonian territories. It is hinted that the government intend to make mines to dig up more tanks, but all they have located thus far are two mini-miners and an electric scooter.
See also, the Latvian Flag. Scientists believe that the flag contains encoded information pertaining to the Latvian military, but not even the Latvians have managed to decode it, at this point. It is believed that the flag holds information on either a new form of tank, or a rejuvenating hand-balm.
Additionally, you will never ever see two Latvians fighting each other, they are to loyal to the president's ruling of "More we be, more we be crush". As a result, all serious misunderstandings (bank collapses, monopoly licence selling) are solved over Ultima Online PVP or Counter Strike.
The Latvian military has two tanks. One of them is a gift from the President of United States of Antarktika and another was found in a swamp were it had sunk during WWI.
[edit] Latvians are very dangerous
It is believed that Latvians have two tanks only to show their youth how pathetic are enemies. True Latvians don't need tanks, planes or any other weapons. They can win any other nation (like United States on Arctica) barehanded or sometimes just by declaring war. No one knows why they are so unstoppable although it is supposed that they have secret energy source kept somewhere underground...
The only way to escape Latvian is to cut off one of your legs and throw it to him (Aim for the eyes or any other vital parts). Then jump away (really) fast.
Latvian's may also use their other effective defense mechanism. Throwing belašhi (pīrāgi), a traditional Latvian dish filled with the innards of several animals that you don't want to know about. They have been known to have very good aim when throwing these and project them at your body their two belašhi launching tanks. When pīrāgs or belašs.hšhss .. hits living body, it crawls under skin and eventually reaches brain, therefore taking over. Zombified enemies are usually gathered together to form new army divisions.
Super Ambassador in Big galaxy Union, Martin Klive, said everything will be OK.
[edit] Geography
The exact location of this mythic country is unknown to anybody, as nobody in the Confederation of Europia can locate it, although some assumptions have been made in order to try to discover the place of birth and residence of the wild Latvian squirrels. The reason for Latvia's invisibility is something of an enigma, as it borders both the Baltic Ocean and Russia, whilst at the same time being the largest country on earth besides the Galactic Empire. At the right is a supposed map of Latvia, as pictured by the world famous cartograph and World of Warcraft player ARAMANTY.
Also there is Latvia in Britan, in United States of Antarktika (Lāču Town) and in other small countries. There live only those Latvians who are very patriotic (they love their country so much that they have decided not to live there).
Kurzeme declared itself a republic ruled by The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry and joined the terrorist organisation of OMLGF last Thursday. According to the CNN, Kurzeme was aided by a Boy Scout Battallion of unknown loyalties. They have also very high level of capoeira. They use it to kick Russians.
[edit] Economy
Latvian banks are known as the world's largest exporters of virtual credit cards, which are only useful for purchasing imaginary power to operate the virtual memory of PC's. The most notorious of these are Carlton Banks and Banka Baltija.
While a search for "Latvian mail-order brides" yields 42 Intarweb hits from places billing themselves as "the mail-order bride warehouse", the entire stock of Latvian brides has already been depleted due to demand from suitors in wretched third-world countries who see espousing a mail-order bride with European Union citizenship as an easy way out after being turned away at every border from France to Russia when traveling with American passports, €80-cent dollars in their hands and Iraqi war wounds covering the rest of their bodies.
As of March 2006 the top three exports are mud ($150M/yr), ski products ($25M/yr), and Russians (20K/yr). Latvians require a constant inflow of green vegetables, Latvians from elsewhere in the former Soviet empire, Lithuanian prostitutes, pork, beer, electricity (98% imported from Finland), and UN "help" dollars. According to ancient tradition, once a year all of the imports are placed on the presidents doorstep for him to take as much as possible (generally around 33%). The rest is up for grabs and the mobs often go on Russian-killing rampages if they don't get enough Pilsener.
The Latvian Currency is the LAT. However, the popular "pīeperkuchen" is also accepted as a valid currency in most areas of Latvia.
[edit] Health
Latvia is a very healthy nation indeed, solely because all of its citizen are descendants of the legendary Bear Breaker.
In recent months a new and deadly virus, called "draugiem.lv" or "one.lv" , has been spreading amongst Latvians. By now ~85 (March 2006) of the population are infected by it, with infection rates rising per the hour. It is known to cause diarrhea, Exploding Head Syndrome, debility, Ultimate erection and a subconscious urge for migration to the EU pastures. It spreads through e-mail,bus and by mobile internet wap. Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that the virus was created by a group of 1337 hax0rZ to spy on people, But this is disregarded by African doctors, who were able to stop the virus from spreading in Eeesti-pois-land. These doctors claim that it is impossible to control one's sphincter from the interweb. The theorists heartily disagree. The main threat of this virus is that it affects Latvians much faster than Estonians. This is because the normal Estonian heart rate is 15-16 times slower than that of the Latvian (25/mph and one to two while sleeping). A cure for the virus has not yet been found, though some people have miraculously recovered by using Anusol suppositories orally, as well there have been reports that some people are imune to this virus. Few foreign scientists claim that this virus could miraculously give explanation how Latvia can border both the Baltic Ocean and Russia, whilst at the same time being the largest country on earth besides the Galactic Empire.
Latvians care very much about their health, it is written in the Law to add iodine to the salt and old Russian pharmacy 'zeļjonka' to the sugar. It is also stated that, "if there is someone sick in Latvia's territory, he (or she) must be shot and put in prison for letting the nation down."
Due to the recent discovery that average drinking water (H2O) actually is a toxic waste left from the invasion of sick-minded retard cats,the Rulers of Latvia have asked people to refrain from use of any liquid substance,except Croca-Cona canned tree juice,which has been aknowledged by many dietary scientists and experts from McDonovalds chicken food industries. This has caused a new movement of radical hippy-nudist politicians, who devote their lives to opone drinking as an indecorous use of human mutual organs. And what do stock-brokers say to all this? "Although this will create another crisis in the market,we are quite used to it,and this won't affect any aspect of urban citizen life,except the increase of the incrase rate of taxes, which has gone from +56.2% to 921.99%. due to the fact that none has a large enough bank account to pay for these taxes anyway, the average citizen won't feel a thing."
[edit] Latvian Sexual Practices
It is a well known fact that all Latvian men have longer penises than other men in the galaxy. They love sex!
The favored pornographic material of the average Latvian is Hentai cartoon porn dubbed in Russian. Latvians also enjoy playing virtual masturbation games on their computer while other people watch them
They are a sexually curious people.
[edit] Sports
Sport is an integral part of Latvian life. Latvians have their own kinds of sport (which nobody in the world understands, because Latvians are keeping the rules of these games a closely guarded secret). Some of these sports, the rules of which rules became known due the to outflow of information from Latvian settlers are listed below:
- One that couldn't be translated, cause of local lexicon (very old game, where players have to hide from each other and keep secret password and when opposite team founds them, they beat them until password is revealed)
- Sadomasochisticly admiring a group of people who hit a little black plastic pancake with sticks, also known as "Ice hockey"
- Playing some sort of soccer called "litrabols", where any foul ends up with drinking vodka. Therefore most notable litrabols teams are located near Russia, the great supplier of alcohol. A similar game to
checkers exists, too. A famous children's game is "Balalaika" where a brave child ties himself to a rope and jumps off any high point. The game is a game of guesswork - is rope short enough not to smash your face into the ground? There is a National Balalaika Team(LV-NBT), who won first in the World Balalaika Championship (Beating China, since they didn't use ropes at all)
[edit] Latvian Music
Latvian music sounds a lot like wailing dogs... The most popular musician is the world famous "Vilki" ("Wolwes").
Latvians also enjoy listening to their own National Anthem over and over again.
Another favorite is the American artist Bruce Springsteen who they often confuse with Johnny Cash
And in nowadays a lot of Latvian youth is listening to club music.
But some are listening to EMO and that other one music style.
Although all isn't allowed all Lavians must at least once climb in "vanšu tilts" in Riga and request Heavy metal festival, which ends when 666 kg of vomit is collected, but festival never ends because all Latvians become too drunk to vomit.
[edit] Famous Latvians
A little known fact about Latvian society is that the name Jānis is in fact universal, and can be applied to anyone and anything. Scientists from "National Atrofieren Sarunvalod' Administrātzij"(NaSa) have stated that "Jānis" is not a noun. It is actually a plural of the adjective "Juris", and therefore must be treated as an irregular French verb.
The favorite Latvian activity is sitting in a bosk, playing kokle (ugly and not tasty instrument) and swearing at a) anyone else and b) bipolar biological bones. Also Perkele is being stabbed when they can find it.
Latvians have been applauded for their skill in cooking. The famous book of Jānis Rītiņš, "1001 ways to cook a Lithuanian" can be found in every household.
[edit] Education
The entire education system of Latvia is described in one book, called "Dullais Dauka" ("Dumb Doofus"). Students read this book when they're two years old. After passing an examination on their knowledge of this book, all graduates are assigned the title "dr.hab.dullais".
Also, Latvian great education system has the most noticeable invention of the modern times the "average man". He was invented between years 1976. and great struggle in popcorn market. The average man is the one. All cars, doors, steps and corks are made to fit him, toilet scrubbers are made to perfectly adopt forms of his hand, all dressers first make dress that would fit him, before making it for others, all prices are suitable for average man. Average man possesses stable income from the World economy and has at least 1 flat. The Average man is mostly Chinese, and a bit black from 1 side yet he is considered to be European etc. Bow down before the might of Latvian education, you dirty infidel dogs!
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