Lava
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If you ever drop your keys, drive your car, or fall into a pool of lava, you're screwed.
~ Jack Handey on lava
If you ever drop your keys into a river of lava, man, just forget them...because they're gone!
~ Jack Handey on lava again
Just a spicier type of Orange Juice.
~ Oscar Wilde on Lava
“That's hot.”
~ Paris Hilton on her melting flesh
“Mekanïk Üdü Wüdü futura de Kommandöh! Magma 1001°Centigrades Janik Top. Merci”
~ Christian Vander on Magma
Lava, or as it is called by its friends, Magma, is a gooey liquid comprised of fire, rocks, semen, and sweet, sweet butter, it is the earths version of heinz No.57 tomato sauce. Lava is best known for its role in the 1935 movie, The Last Days of Pompeii though it is also known for its supporting role in Mount St Helens: The Musical.
In recent years, however, Lava hasn't seen the glory of its youth. It has been shadowed by water, eating your own semen, and the ongoing production of commercial soap, in its ongoing productions Hurricanes and Tsunamis.
It was invented in 1808 by Your Mom, annoyed at how many of his favourite mountains had become overrun by brightly-dressed and rather dim skiers during the winter months. After a few initial incidents the skiers discovered it was not, in general, safe to continue skiing during a full eruptive flow, and the Count could enjoy his mountains in peace. The Count was killed in 1814 by a pyroclastic flow.
Lava is one of the two main ingredients in Hawaiians, therefore, it spends most of its time in Hawaii and makes occasional visits to poor third world countries just to "give them a spook." There are two main kinds of lava, known by the Hawaiian names a'a'u'u and u'i'a'u'i, which are the noises you make when you tread on them.
Lava is one of the staple foods of the iguana and Japanese people, and can be safely handled using asbestos gloves, sold at most Hawaiian pet stores. NOTE: Hawaiians are not actually sold at Hawaiian pet stores, but their food and surfboards can commonly be found. The fact that you can't buy Hawaiins legally, but you can buy Hawaiian maintenance products, is analogous to the fact that you can't legally buy weed, but you can buy bongs and crack pipes. These days Hawaiians can be obtained with the help of 2 friends, a fast car, and a thick-woven sack, big enough to fit over a Hawaiian's head and shoulders.
