Police
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“Why call the police, have the retard escape”
~ Borat on the Police
“Please cooperate, leave the vehicle, spread your legs and put your hands on the hood; all this will be over real soon. You don't happen to have some lube, do you?”
~ Police on you on Saturday night
The P.O.L.I.C.E. (post office lice) are an organization acting as a tool for the government dedicated to fighting criminals for the good of all mankind and all upstanding citizens. They also beat you up for nothing, especially if you are black or gay. If you smoke crack cocaine, you're in for it! Also, the police are not actually men in the same way that Alan Partridge is NOT A MAN! The police are the professional enforcers employed by the government to harass anybody who isn't a white evangelical. The lowest ranking of police are those fags that ride on the bikes and highest ranking are security guards.
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[edit] How To Become One With The Police
Common to all police is a very medium, or lower IQ, a nonexistent study education, a certain enjoyment of dominance (psychological or physical), and a hatred of justice. Citizens with these traits are eligible to become one with the police. You have to be arrogant, annoying and be willing to spend hundreds of dollars on donuts. Being a plumber or garbageman will usually grant one some privileges to enroll a local police department more easily. However, high school dropouts usually have the highest record of making it into business.
Every year trillions of citizens are trained and recruited into national law enforcement organizations. They are taught how to loaf, waste time, complain about the paperwork they have to do, and be generally useless. Also every single one of these potential police has to memorize and recite by heart 'The Police Oath'. [1] Upon doing this a citizen is transmogrified into a ass-kicking, donut-eating cop. They are then given their first badge and collection of large precision firearms, batons, tear gas, and tasers. Though occasionally they may fight crimes that don't involve a black person being the criminal, they spend most of the time at Dunkin' Donuts eating donuts and crying to General Hospital.
[edit] History of the Police
The police were invented in the 1950's by white people. The original police were genetically engineered donuts, and although they resembled donuts, they actually had a slightly higher intelligence and took a lot of steroids to be stronger than black people. The police's purpose was to stop the Civil Rights Movement by harassing, abusing, and arresting black people. They were armed with hoses. The purpose of the hoses was to poison black people, due to the dangers of water. They also had something called dogs, which were robots created in laboratories that were programmed to urinate on fire hydrants. These dogs, contrary to what most people think, were not racist, and they hated being forced to hurt black people, and became suicidal. Therefore, the dogs would try to eat black people, thinking they were made of chocolate. Anyhoo, the police have since evolved and been reprogrammed several times. In the late 60's, the police were reprogrammed to attack hippies. After the 70's, when all the hippies had been exterminated or become Republicans, police evolved to target all minorities. Their favorite prey became rich black men, because they still had natural hate for black people from when they were first invented, but since then have evolved to hate rich people out of jealousy. Because of this, they often frame rich black men for crimes they did not commit, as everyone knows that Michael Jackson is in fact not a pedophile rapist, and is perfectly normal, and it that O.J didn't do it. Currently, police also like to prey on skateboarders when they are bored.
[edit] Origin of the word
The word "Police" comes from the old English "Please", which is what people said when they were begging not to be arrested, or when they were being beaten for absolutely no reason. The word was broken by sobs, and sounded much more like "Police" than "Please". One police officer, having remarkably low IQ, even for a genetically engineered donut, assumed that his victim was calling for help. He reacted by shouting, "I am the Police, fucker!" and kicking his victim in the nuts. This didn't work, however, because the victim was a 5 year old girl. However, the word "Police" caught on, as people found it a better name that "Human Donut", the original name. White people felt that "Human Donut" could reveal their conspiracy, so they adopted "Police" happily.
[edit] Cops on the Beat
Police, pigs, generally drive Crown Vic's, otherwise known as 'Ass Rammers' for their ability to simultaneously ram the back of your car without being damaged, and giving you the feeling of what it's going to be like in jail for the next 10-15 years after they force you to sign a confession. They adorn said rides with sex lights. Whenever you see these howling and flashing red and blue lights, be comforted in the knowledge that someone is getting fucked... Unless that's you. If it is you, please see earlier; 'Ass Rammers'. The only way to avoid being pulled over by the police is to follow the fucking law, stop talking on your cellphone, stop texting on your cell phone, stop smoking pot while driving, stop eating and drinking while driving, go the speed limit, keep your eyes on the road, obey all traffic signals, and basically have your pants down at all times for a quick and painful ass raping whenever a cop feels the need to do the dirty with your bum. You may also just try to avoid these 'pigs', because they always have the right of way, sex lights on or off. If you are making a legal right turn on red, and you stop a cop from speeding past the light to make the 3 o' clock doughnut special by using the road the correct way, begin unbuckling your pants and plead for a little bit of KY when those sex lights go on.
That is the second worse time you might run into a cop. The worst possible way to run into a cop is on foot, because when you're on foot, you're not escaping them. They can smell your fear, and your pot, when they ride their bike up behind you, silent as a breeze. If by chance you do see a cop waving you down, please remember previous advice and have your pants unbuckled and around your ankles by the time they get there. If you just came from the bakery, expect to have your biological terrorist weapons confiscated and tested by the force's best men. The ONLY time you're safe from a cop walking the beat is when you are in close vicinity of a doughnut shop, unless you're trashing that doughnut shop. If you are not round and have a large hole through the center of you, you are secondary to the glazed goodness behind the counter.
[edit] Recipe
The recipe for manufacturing a police officer is as follows:
• A donut (preferably Krispy Kreme)
• American bigotry (this was generated by the original inventors of police)
• Steroids
Please note that police can be very dangerous and are known to turn on their creator, especially if said creator is a minority. Police are a highly unstable radioactive compound and will violently explode when they come into contact with anyone who outwits them. Police are best created in a laboratory setting, so do not attempt this at home. If you do choose to disobey me and attempt it at home, I hope the police officer tasers you to death.
Police can also be made from people, as directed in "How to Become One With the Police" above.
[edit] See also
- Police officer
- Fat
- Pig
- Corruption
- Donuts
- Bad cop
- LAPD
- CACCPD
- Tampon
- Police Box
- Sheriff
- Shit
- Your Mom
- Rent-a-cop
- Homosexual
- Orcs
- Kiddy fiddlers
