Laws of Anime Physics

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“Well, coming from a book that's read back to front...”

~ Oscar Wilde on anime physics

1 Origin
- 1.1 Tsoa's Studies
- 1.2 Mass Production
2 Discovery of the Laws
3 An Example
4 The Laws of Anime Physics

[edit] Origin

The title page of the first discovered manga book.

The Laws of Anime Physics were found apart from the laws of normal physics by Isaac Newton. It was co-began by the philosopher Goa Tse, and Tsoa Moyazaki or some other name you read past because it's complete babble to you, the date was somewhere between 450 and 500 AD. Moyazaki, after perilous study of the back-to-front books, traveled to the land of Patents where he patented anime.

[edit] Tsoa's Studies

Upon studying the books, he realized a few things. Of course, this wasn't everything to realize, but it was a ground to work on for the laws that were found many centuries later.

The book is read back to forward. What a crazy thing!
The naughty page is always page 57. That is the eternal rule.
Most importantly, the physics of this "manga" world were noticeably unrealistic compared to ours.

[edit] Mass Production

Moyazaki used each and every one of these attributes to make a huge profit. He realized he could sell such things as pornography for the men, and extremely complicated love stories for children. In 521 AD, he started mass-producing these erotic pieces of literature with pictures, and he was a millionaire ever since. It should be noted that anime is currently drawn and printed with animo acids.

[edit] Discovery of the Laws

In the few years before 1669, while Isaac Newton was furthering his research on the Laws of Physics, he probably got drunk and bought a few now-world-popularized manga books. This is disputed, as nobody really knows how he acquired such things, but another theory is that he was a nerd in the first place. Regardless, he started studying manga books, and found the simple laws that make the manga reality different from ours. On August 5, 1669 he announced to the world that he had an official list of physics that applied to manga. This discovery is what bolstered others to give him their money so he could go on to discover more ACTUAL laws of physics and invent more things.

[edit] An Example

[edit] The Laws of Anime Physics

We have explained to you the history of manga, the life of Tsao Moyazaki, the works of Isaac Newton, and the becomings of these laws. So, finally, we will be able to introduce the Laws of Anime Physics (in 3-D). Note that all of these are provable by concrete mathematics, however you wouldn't understand them because you spend time reading Uncyclopedia instead of studying math.

[edit] Main Characters, Villains, and General (F)laws

The more retarded a plan is, the more likely it is to work. (ex. Evangelion, Naruto)
1. If a plan is talked about beforehand, it will never work.
2. In the event that a plan is talked about beforehand, the entire plan will be scrapped moments before it is put into motion and will be replaced by an improvisational plan. This new plan has a 100% chance to succeed.
In cooperation with the first law, if an antagonist has a plan it will fail.
Characters who gain control of giant robots become gifted with the knowledge to utilize those robots. (ex. Evangelion)
The longer the series continues, the stronger enemies get exponentially.
Villains either are butt-ugly monsters or gay dudes. Certain exceptions are an amalgamation of both. (esp. InuYasha)
1. The bad guy has fan girls. ~~Unless~~ Especially if he's a transvestite.
The main character is small and wimpy-looking, only to hold a tremendous secret power explained to him by a wise old person.
The quicker someone dies off, the more likely they are not really dead. (ex. Bleach)
Getting stabbed multiple times only kills you if you are unimportant. Remember that, Kazuya.
1. Additionally, unimportant characters may never initiate combat. If a character attempts to break this law, they are met with a harsh and quick defeat.
When a character performs an attack, they MUST yell out it's name, therefore giving their opponent the obvious advantage of knowing what they're going to do, but never doing what they can do to prevent or counter it. If they don't yell out the name, it doesn't count because that's cheating.
1. This was first used in popular anime The Bible, in which the main character God, unleashes his signature move 'LET THERE BE LIGHT!'
2. The louder said character shouts the name of an attack, the more powerful that attack will be. (ex. Dragon Ball Z)
No matter how long the preparation to an attack, and no matter how many spangly things are created, the preparation cannot be interrupted before it is complete. The attack is permitted to miss, however. (ex. Sailor Moon)
1. Whether this is due to some unwritten warriors code or just stupidity, it is yet to be determined.
The magical tools necessary to kill someone are commonplace. (ex. Death Note)
Internal monologues and/or long emotional conversations may never be interrupted, even if they take place in the middle of world-deciding battles.
When in doubt, scream loudly and sacrifice yourself to have no effect on the enemy. (ex. Dragon Ball Z)
If the protagonist has something everyone else has, the protagonist's is much more powerful and useful. (ex. Digimon)
The antagonist must dismiss the protagonist(s) as a minor annoyance, but never suspects them to have superpowers and might even go so far as to pass up the opportunity to kill or maim him/her on several occasions.
There is no anime without the presence of samurai or ninjas.
There must be a point at which the protagonist is shot down by a bullet, missile, or, in the case of the End of Evangelion, gigantic naked lady that wants to merge with the world. At this point, peaceful Latin music will play for many minutes as the protagonist (or his robot, in the case of Evangelion and the Gundam series,) falls to the ground in slow motion.
If a male character has pink hair, he is either homosexual or bisexual. This does not apply to the protagonist, unless it is a yaoi. No other hair colors apply.
If a character's hair is hiding some disfiguring mark, laser beam, etc, no amount of force will move that characters hair until permitted. (ex. Descendants of Darkness)
You may not start owning the bad guy until the cool music starts (ex. Naruto, Bleach)
The more an enemy brags about easily owning the protagonist, the easier that enemy will be defeated.
By rules and standards of many fighting groups, a final showdown starts with a half hour staring contest. At this point the protagonist must use a series of flashbacks to remember how he/she got to this point. Spectators who may also be classified as secondary characters are also allowed to comment during this time.
The protagonist is allotted a maximum of two special abilities that
1. Nobody else has.
2. He is unable to control.
The protagonist may power up using emotional memories until he is able to defeat the antagonist.
The protagonist is allowed to teleport large distances in order to save secondary characters from giant fucking monsters. (ex. Bleach, Inuyasha)
If the protagonist goes into a state of depression, his/her powers are revoked until he/she removes the depression. (ex. Bleach)
The protagonist may show physical characteristics of exhaustion and wounds, but is not affected by them. In fact, the power of the protagonist rises as he becomes more exhausted. (ex. Bleach, YuYu Hakusho) However, this rule does not apply if an appendage is rendered useless. (ex. Dragonball Z)
Bandages heal everything, no matter how deep the wound, except if they lose a limb which is soon to be reattached, replaced, or healed by a side character.
1. However, attacks against characters will cause them to bleed from the mouth. Punched in the gut? Blood escapes from the mouth. Stabbed in the shoulder? Blood in the mouth. (eg. Naruto, Bleach, Dragon Ball Z, One Piece)
If the antagonist is in a weakened state or transforming, protagonists may not harm him/her/it. Protagonists may only initiate combat with a villain when he/she/it is at full power. (ex. Dragonball Z )
Antagonists that seem too cool to be villains often end up turning into anti-heroes. (ex. Bleach, Dragon Ball Z)
1. Conversely, Secondary protagonists that seem too badass or powerful early in the the series will often end up turning to evil or revealing that they were villains from the very beginning.
Antagonist groups must be themed and in uniform. (ex. Naruto, Fullmetal Alchemist)
Both the protagonist and antagonist can wield incredibly large and heavy looking weapons despite possessing no muscle mass whatsoever. (ex. Naruto, Bleach)
Characters will ignore more powerful weapons dropped by the enemy if their current weapon defeated said enemy
Revenge always is intended by main character (or side character that has a crap load of screen time), but is held back by friends, no matter how just the scenario may be, by which point the main character will become a completely depressed emo homosexual. The revenge plans end up failing for a reason, (if commenced against friends' wills), too gay to even explain in the plot line properly, (ex. Trigun).

[edit] Women and Love

An ascendant hot air current is always present where miniskirts are. A descending cold air current is present where breasts are.
Female antagonists have unattainable beauty, and therefore must be destroyed.
Female characters cannot wear more than a miniskirt and school uniform, (See schoolgirls) UNLESS they're in a cat suit (OR ELSE).
A woman's breast size is determined by , whereas h equals head size and b equals breast size. There are no exceptions to this law, unless the woman in question is an underage tomboy.
Women fall in love with guys who are in yaoi. Listen up, you won't get with them. They're gay!
Women experience puberty at 5 years old.
Women walk around in the nude together if they're in a women-only facility.
If men see them while they're nude (which is actually very likely), women can punch men so hard that they are thrown into the stratosphere or possibly the thermosphere (no matter how incredibly powerful they are in combat) then fall down and only obtain minor bruises (ex. Love Hina). Interestingly, ballistic properties are not taken into account, so that the aforementioned male character is always back by the next key frame, even though he traveled a few tens of miles.
The protagonist's first female anti-hero (or innocent, shy, and distant friend) will end up falling in love with him.
If, at any point, a man (even a gay man, in some cases) sees a naked woman, he will come down with an instant and explosive nosebleed. the amount of blood and the energy released by said blood depends on how many women there are, how naked they are, how large their breasts are, and how inconvenient it is for the main character to have a nosebleed at that precise moment and/or how funny the situation is. This law doesn't apply to lesbians. It should be noted that blood emitted from this cause is subject to disappearing from existence after a few seconds.
In any situation where a male character is supposed to avoid touching the breasts of a a female, he will be drawn to them whether or not he desires to touch them, in a magnetic effect similar to a lodestone's attractive properties. This results in name-calling (i.e, pervert, lecher, etc.), often accompanied by some form of savage beating.
While in no way stronger than the protagonist, the female counterpart possesses the ability to beat the protagonist at anything she wishes. (ex. Ranma 1/2).
If the protagonist is a nerd like you, the female counterpart is a space alien who has been unexposed to any earthly themes ever. (ex. Onegai Teacher).
Fat was never introduced to women's systems. In a bizarre and complex system of organs not found in the male body, they are able to retain energy without becoming larger.
Women are either
1. Naggy and hot
2. Helpless and hot
3. Horny and hot (However, these women are far and few in between. They don't want to be too obvious.)
In addition, antagonist women may also be:
1. Shy and hot
2. Murderous and hot
3. Austere and Hot
4. Or any combination of up to 3 of the above 6
When a tough tomboy girl dresses in a girly fashion (often in order to enter a contest) and trains in lady's manner, she will loathe everything she does, but eventually find that such feminine content isn't bad at all. She will either win the beauty contest hands-down or be in a tie with a nameless woman who will soon become a secondary character.
1. After the contest, the tomboy girl will adopt a feminine trinket worn from the contest for many episodes to come, sometimes even over the entire series.
2. This law is contrast to American Animation, where tomboy girls look extremely silly in a dress. They risk everything the lead cast has ever done to enter the contest, and win hands-down.
If a woman is even remotely undesirable, she is ~~evil~~ a secondary character.
In most ancient cultures, it is a custom to rip a large-breasted woman's shirt open at least once every fifteen minutes. (ex. Tenjho Tenge)
A girl who wears glasses will gain unrivaled beauty when she removes them, often causing all of the opposite gender to have severe nosebleeds.
1. This girl is subject to personality changes, from creepy nerd to shy, kind, and sweet chick (i.e. Gundam Wing). Note that this law only applies to a good girl; evil girls still gain the unrivaled beauty but have an even more devious personality.
A female alien can be incredibly beautiful by human standards. If the heroine is alien, she will look like a typical Japanese school girl, even if the rest of her kind look like relatives of Cthulhu. (ex. Eureka Seven)
In mecha anime, underage girl pilots possess unique mechs. This is partially because said girl has exceptional skills or special abilities, but mostly because it will please the audience.
If a girl has a brother anywhere in the series, there will be 10-45% chance of incest. This statistic is increased to 95% if she has a long lost brother. This chance is further increased to 125% if it is explicitly stated the siblings are not blood related. (ex. Onegai Twins, Koi Kaze)
Women are 200% of the normal human being.
1. They are 150% pornography and 50% PMS.
No matter what she's accused of doing or how mysterious her origins are, the protagonist must be ready to fight to the death for any girl he met three seconds ago. (ex. Bleach)
1. In conjuncture with this, any woman will do anything for a guy if he is remotely attractive, has done something for her, and/or has good looking siblings (Like Kagome. We all know you're only after Inuyasha to get at Sesshomaru. Guys with only one arm turn you on.)
Anything created by humans, that may or may not be human, will be female. In conjuncture with this, she (If you can call what was created a she. Yes, you can.) will also become a main plot point for the story to revolve around and the main character, supposing it is not the thing which was created, will fall in love with her. (ex. Chobits, Wolf's Rain) In some cases, though there is no recorded evidence of this yet, the feelings reciprocated by the main character may not be returned.
If a girl is part of the active main cast, all of her gear will be pink and/or girl themed (ex. Power Rangers, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Pokemon)
Women are either there to be rescued or blood fueled killing machines. They can make the transition from one to the other between episodes (ex. Hellsing).
No matter how many women with enormous breasts attempt to seduce or just plain chase after the male protagonist, he has a small chance of noticing and must not do anything, even if he does notice. If he does do something, the women, despite being sluts, will call him a pervert.
The bigger the breasts, the more charismatic and perky the female is.
1. In correlation with this, the more perky and charismatic, the more the female wants to hook up with the main character.
2. In addition, the perky charismatic female with huge breasts who wants to get with the main character will either be
  1. Very open about it, constantly shoving her boobs in his face.
  2. Very secretive about her love.
In some manga/anime, even a tomboy chick dressed so feminine and had an ultimate power, even the main character can't beat her.
1. Or she was weak until she saw her fellow getting stronger, or he practise until he nearly die.
No matter how large they are, the earthly laws of gravity have little to no effect on a female's breasts.

[edit] General Physical Laws/Unexplainable Phenomena

Acceleration is not affected by friction, air resistance, or any other natural force, but rather an independent variable sometimes called "whatever I feel like". This allows anyone with no real training and/or experience to jump over buildings, accelerate to unhealthy speeds from a dead stop in a second or less, change the direction of their jumps (and start spinning) in midair, and many other feats that make the real world seem boring and pointless.
1. In correlation, gravity does not affect the lead cast. Except when it does. Surprise!
2. Additionally, if the character feels like it, they can create friction with thin air even when they have no powers of flight(ex.Bleach)
Missiles, artillery and other tissue-degrading devices are designed to explode, usually performing a sharp turn just before hitting and exploding pointlessly, with little or no lasting effect on the character's aesthetic appearance. Lasers and directed-energy weapon systems do less damage.
1. This also affects water. Characters' bodies and clothes will dry in seconds. Except when they're soaked for days. Surprise!
In the event of a foreign character being present in Japanese anime, the foreign character will look Japanese and have a Japanese name.
Hair and clothes are indestructible. The only exception is the crotch area. After a long intense battle, the shirt is either missing completely or loses a sleeve .(ex. Dragon Ball Z)
1. Girl's clothing is much easier to rip than a guy's, and when ripped will rip everywhere except the most convenient (or inconvenient, situationally) spots. It is possible that girl's bra and panties are made with same material that mens' pants are, as the clothes always cover a girl's private parts no matter how badly damage they are (this rule does applies in an opposite manner when watching hentai, in which bras and panties are often simply not worn).
When a person jumps an innumerable amount of feet in the air, makes a killing blow, or both, they fall at one fifth of the force of gravity while the rest of the world is affected normally.
1. Long capes are the only thing subject to wind. Unless they are not (ex. Vincent Valentine).
In all no-way-out situations, 1 + 1 really does equal a window/weak spot in wall.
Any otherworldly being is able to adapt to the language and/or breasts of the culture they are present in (i.e. Keroro).
Drastic and dire injuries that nearly kill the protagonist are subject to ten, even twenty times the realistic rate of healing.
The larger a mech is, the more swift and agile it will be. However, if piloted by the antagonist, the opposite is true.
Transformations, whether mech or monster, are a long and arduous process the first time it occurs. However, the process becomes instantaneous every time afterward. (ex. Digimon, Bleach)
People normally dress up in what people ~~today~~ at any time period would consider embarrassing (see cosplay).
Thirteen to twenty-five gallons is the average amount of blood in anyone (ex. Bleach).
1. In addition, blood pressure is selective and does not effect health. Blood pressure rises to over nine thousand when you are cut.
You do NOT write fanfics about MY SESSHY CHAN, bitch!
According to the Anime Face Expansion theory, which was turned into a law on the seventeenth of September, two thousand six, people may stretch their mouths past their faces into a two-dimensional space that has no real existence.
The amount of energy exerted while jumping has absolutely nothing to do with how long one remains in the air, or for that matter, how many times you can kick someone before coming back down.
Time, along with inertia, is applied selectively. Seconds can easily become hours, especially if the lead cast needs a great amount of time to do something like stop a bomb, run out of a building, or read a book about butterflies (in Kakashi's case, an adult book about a paradise in which people make outside), or must create an improvisational plan during combat. This law may also be applied by the power of love.
Hair-care products do not exist. The chemicals in products we use are already present in anime-dimension hair, allowing the cast to sculpt their hair in bizarre ways and then remain that way for several years without having to wash their hair.
Eyes are subject to being larger than open mouths and five times as large as noses.
Any substance or place containing the word "Tokyo" in it is 10 times more explosive than your mom after she comes home from work. Use of the Neo, Neu, or Mega prefixes increases this to 100 times. If a city has been christened Neumeganeotokyo, it will be the site of an inter dimensional rift that will summon Tentacle Monsters that eat your fucking face. Better start running!
Whenever something witty or plain stupid is said, the heads of any intelligent being are jettisoned towards the ground. The cast may also summon a giant drop of sweat on their forehead.
Armies do fucking nothing. Either
1. They don't exist, or
2. Their most powerful forces don't have any effect on the enemy. Great fucking job. (ex. Bokurano)
No matter what time-frame the show is set in -- past, present, or future -- Swords will be the main form of attack. Swords are much more powerful in the anime dimension, and are capable of laser-like distance attacks.
A sword can cut through everything except other swords (including wooden swords). The only exception to this rule is if you don't have faith in your sword. (ex. Bleach)
No matter how fucking big that sword is, nobody will notice you. So stop showing off already.
No matter how many times you use that sword to strike armored targets or fire that gun on full auto mode it will never break, jam or need any form of maintenance unless it is critical to the story that the weapon breaks, jams or needs maintenance.
Whenever the main character or a character of great importance thinks to his or herself, their body (including eyes and hair) may glow in the color that best describes their personality. (ex. Death Note)
1. The antagonist's eyes can glow in dark in evil colors such as red, yellow, green, or black. No reason is given as to why this happens, it just does.
The "Invisible Sheath" (definition: A sword can be attached to a person's side or back without a belt or a sheath to hold it in) is present in all scenarios. If the protagonist has a sheath, that just means his sword is too small or too weak.
Engaging in combat can cause drastic changes to space-time.
Death effects the weather in very depressing ways.
1. When everyone has gotten over the loss 10 minutes later and remembers how wonderful the person was, the sun comes out. (Ex. Naruto)
Though any form of attack can be subject to blowing up a planet, engaging in close combat cancels this effect out and only large craters will be formed.
Animals may take on intelligent properties and vocal skills attributed to humans. Thanks, furries.
Clothes are part of the anime body. One may take them off, but may not wear another set unless crucial to the plotline.
In each anime dimension, only one black human may exist. All other characters are Japanese unless stated otherwise.
Some objects on a person may be subject to the owner's gravity tenfold. Belts, scarves, and trinkets may stay on a person even though there is nothing holding them in place. This also applies to the Invisible Sheath.
In the event of a card game, the protagonist alone can spawn from nowhere cards that would be completely useless in any other situation, but are exactly what he needs at that moment. (ex. Yu-Gi-Oh)
That bitch is always in it. I hate her. You know the one I mean.
The later a character is introduced, the more bad-ass they are likely to be.
Bad-assery is subject to death or evacuation. The more bad-ass someone is, the more likely they will disappear from the anime in question (ex. Nadesico, Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann).
Everyone is immune to such mundane hazards as intense heat, freezing cold, or poison gas. Except when they're not. Surprise!
When the time comes that the protagonist must do something complicated or amazing their first time, he will beat all known records and one-up any veterans.
1. However, veterans subject to bad-assery will not show their skill before the protagonist, and will easily beat the protagonist. They must then assume position as a secondary leader or personal trainer in the cast.
Those in the lead cast can fall any distance onto anything without suffering anything worse than brief unconsciousness. In fact, falling a huge distance is an excellent cure for otherwise fatal wounds -- anyone who you see shot, stabbed, or mangled and then tossed off a cliff is guaranteed to return later in the show with newfound power.
Epilepsy-inducing backgrounds are present any time anything slightly interesting happens.
Any imaginable feat may be mastered in three days, or five days maximum. This also applies to regaining powers that have been permanently stripped and are unattainable by humans. However, failing to complete the assigned task results in death. Period. (ex. Bleach, Naruto)
1. When assigned a task, the protagonist seems doomed to failure and death. However, the more time it takes the protagonist to complete this task the more likely he/she will complete it.
Parents either exist and are extremely active or do not exist and are dead or drunk. Active parents are subject to dying for the cause of the protagonist.
The strength and clarity of a sound do not weaken with distance or interference. One who is fighting in the air will still be able to hear the regular volume comments of his/her companions as if they were right next to each other in a calm setting.
1. However, concentration on menial tasks, like eating or date with some chick, has the opposite effect; hearing and listening skills will be impaired tenfold.
Limb regeneration is exclusively offered to the lead cast.
Archaic Weapons Rankings: Guns < Fists/Martial arts < Large Sword (wielded by antagonist) < Thin Sword (wielded by antagonist) < Object that has no practical use as a weapon, but is magical (Ex. Ribbons/Cloth, Books, Cards, Necklace, Ring. Etc.) (wielded by protagonist) ≤ Large Sword (wielded by protagonist) ≤ Impractical weapons (Scythe, Bow Staff, Overtly Ornate Spear, Etc.) (wielded by protagonist) ≤ Thin Sword (wielded by protagonist) ≤ Bow (wielded by female protagonist exclusively) < Two Swords (wielded by protagonist) < Three Swords (wielded by protagonist)
Conventional Weapons Rankings: Rocket Launcher/Grenade launcher (wielded by antagonist) < Machine gun/assault weapon (wielded by antagonist) < Sidearm (wielded by protagonist) < Dual Sidearms
When someone is in danger, it is possible for any friend, relative, etc. to develop ESP for a short period of time. They will then either rush to save them and make it at the last moment, or fail and commence weeping and staring out of a window.
Everything happens in Japan, unless stated otherwise. In anime, Japan is subject to major expansion.
The word "nyaa!" or "uwaa" must be uttered at least 50 time per episode. This count is increased to 75 if there an alien is involved. Consequences include not enough kawaii.