RIAA
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“The terrorists have won. Are you happy now?”
~ George W. Bush on facts
“My guardian angels”
~ Lars Ulrich on RIAA
“Generic derogatory Oscar Wilde quote!”
~ Oscar Wilde on RIAA
“A bunch of mindless jerks who will be the first with their backs against the wall when the revolution comes.”
~ Douglass Adams (Taken completely out of context) on RIAA
The RIAA, short for "Really Ignorant Assholes of America" is a tyrannical fascist regime which resides in the continental United States and enjoys the full support of the United States Government, the Catholic Church, Oprah's Book Club and a variety of other evil organizations. Founded in 1952 by demons from hell, the RIAA's only purpose is to make people miserable, especially those who record and/or enjoy music. The current demon who runs the RIAA is known as Bitch Mainwol, son of Mog'var der Destroyer.
The RIAA's primary mission is to file a patent on sound, with the goal of requiring anyone who would like to hear pay them royalties through the purchase of CDs. Their primary means of accomplishing this goal is the use of stormtroopers thought police lawyers. Due to their heavyhanded tactics, they have made many enemies, including God, Girl God, Jesus, Ultraman, Common Sense, Reality and a jar of almonds. The RIAA operates in close cooperation with the MPAA; they are considering uniting their organizations to form a single group known as the Music And Film Industry Association of America (MAFIAA).
Hey downloaders! Enter the Music Mystery Contest sponsored by the RIAA. You won't regret it.
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[edit] Lawsuits
The RIAA bases their knowledge on who commits this infringement by targeting people who hum music. For example, humming a tune would prove that the target had in fact used "hearing" to know what it was. This has lead to lawsuits against an unborn fetus, an orphaned African child with AIDS, a ravenous bloodsucking alien (who, interestingly, did not even own a computer), Adolf Hitler, Jesus, Super Jesus, Girl God, a can of beans, Roxanne L. Tanningsworth of Stokenford, Ohio, and several early cartoon characters.
In one landmark case, the RIAA sued Britney Spears for tapping to and listening to an MP3 of her hit "Oops I Did It Again" on her hard drive. Despite Britney's claims that she owned the song as her intellectual property, the RIAA made it clear that the record company actually owned her right to hear, and she was sued for her golden locks.
The RIAA has recently announced its intentions to go after a new breed of hearing pirate: multiple listeners. These criminals buy a CD, then listen to it more than once, often times as often as three or four times in a day. The RIAA maintains that a CD should only be listened to once, and if one wishes to hear it again they should buy the CD again. This has lead to several major record companies incorporating DRM that prevents CDs from being played more than once. New technologies are being worked on to prevent high tech criminals whom carry a CD they purchased to a friends house and then insert the disc into a highly sophisticated listening device known as a CD player and let their friend illegally listen to music. These mastermind criminals range in age from 5-year-olds to 60-year-olds are hard to catch, but could spend up to several hours in a local jail before being released.
[edit] Responsible Deaths
Because the RIAA has become much of a financially destructive scheme, they have led to imprisoning many individuals via fining them a large sum of money that not even millionaires cannot cover off their own pockets.
Here is a list of alleged deaths that the RIAA has caused, some or most of which are wrongful deaths and a result of spam:
- 12,568 High School punk kids committed suicide because their fines have exceeded their family's income. Families then filed suit against the RIAA, lost the cases through their inability to hear the RIAA's argument, less they further the case against them.
- 53,496 children were killed by the LAPD's AK-47s because the kids kept swearing at the RIAA and accusing them of child abuse.
- 5,682 DJ's were killed by the FBI after finding that those DJ's owned an iBook to use for their clubs. It was evident that the mp3's used there were legit, but never had the proper security coding due to its late release.
- The RIAA has stile System of a Down's Album and then later killed them for promoting piracy.
- Rodney King was killed via death penalty due to being found guilty of music piracy. One month later, it was evidently found that Rodney King has never downloaded nor own any pirated music, yet the U.S. Government and the RIAA said "fuck it, we kill that motherfucker anyways to relieve our stress and help our economy."
- The latest Metallica album was banned by the UN security council in an emergency session, ruling that listening to it was considered a war crime and resulted in the deaths of 90% of low income chinese families. The UN secretary general was on record as saying "Thank God we stopped that before something bad happened".
Now, do we need to ask who are the terrorists now!? We know that Osama and Bush ain't one.
[edit] Sanctions
The RIAA openly forbids the following:
- listening to a CD within ear shot
- CDs that can be purchased as a gift
- listening to MP3s
- free speech
- the Internet
- VCRs
- Anything priced under $50
- Jesus
- Concerts
- Your Mom
- Smiling
- Unprotected mp3s
- Your virginity
[edit] Initiatives
The RIAA has spearheaded a number of initiatives to ensure that record company executives can continue to enjoy drinking liquid gold served in the hollowed-out skulls of Brazillian street kids.
In Cash for kids, the RIAA offered prizes to children who report family and friends for copyright infringement. In the most publicised case, a five-year-old in Colorado was given a Nintendo Wii after reporting hearing his uncle whistling Lady in Red while waiting for a bus. His uncle was later extradited to France where he died under interrogation. Britany Makenzie, a teen-age girl in Delaware, was sentenced to infinite years in prison after her sister reported her for playing her music so loud that a neighbour overheard it, thus constituting an illegal public performance. Britany's sister was given a tour of the RIAA correctional facilities as a reward for helping uphold the laws of das eternal Reich!
You're all thieves, damn your eyes! became a household phrase when used by the RIAA in their popular 'You're all all thieves, damn your eyes!" advertising campaign, featuring videos of record company executives with shoes and hats and charms made of gold wandering the street shouting this phrase at random bystanders. In their Christmas special, David Geffen was filmed urinating on a cage filled with sobbing teens who were suspected of having downloaded music.
[edit] Trivia
- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the RIAA as "a bunch of pompous assholes who will be the the first against the wall when the revolution comes." Incidentally, a copy of the Encyclopedia Allknowica which came through a time warp from 50 years into our future defines the RIAA as "a bunch of pompous assholes who were the the first against the wall when the revolution came."
- In March of 1997, the RIAA attempted to bring suit against Uncyclopedia. Fortunately, they were all eaten by a grue.
- The RIAA is responsible for the deletion of the Girl God article.
- The RIAA is protecting your freedom so you'd better stop whining commie boy. Who will you complain to when the terrorists come and steal your freedom?
- Because of the terrorism that exists with the RIAA, many around the world have united to form the anti-RIAA movement, performing many tasks. This includes publishing the movie "RIAA: The AXIS of evil" by Barrack Obama, the song "Fuck the RIAA" by the NWA, spreading the pirate virus, uniting Ninjas and Pirates to battle out the RIAA, and so forth.
