Leeds
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |
| State | Yorkshire |
| Official languages | Yorkshire, Hindi, Urdu |
| Mayor | Some Asian guy |
| Established | Roman times |
| Civic anthem | Marching on together, in division three |
“ SUPER, SUPER LEEDS, SUPER, SUPER LEEDS, SUPER, SUPER LEEDS, SUPER LEEDS UNITED!!â€
~ Delusional Leeds fans on thinking they are still "Super"
“ We all hate Leeds and Leeds and Leeds, Leeds and Leeds and Leeds and Leeds, Leeds and Leeds and Leeds and Leeds. We all fuckiing hate leads!!!!!!â€
~ Every one else on on Leeds
Leeds are the worst team ever, anybody with real sense knows a support and that's Huddersfield Town. (The Mighty Terriers!), who have won The league 3 times in a row. Rob Page whatt a player!
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Foundation
When the Romans came over to Britain, which they wanted to conquer after they smoked some crack, Julius Caesar ate a dodgy bowl of pasta somewhere near the Pennines. He needed the toilet badly but there wasn't one nearby, so he defecated in a field. He also drank some Italian wine and urinated next to the feces. Eventually this horrible pile of excreta mutated into a small town, which the Roman Generals named Leeds, Latin for "MAMA MIA, WHAT IS THAT A-HIDEOUS THING?!", and the urine became known as the River Aire, because the Romans were hoping that it would evaporate into the "aire" (they weren't very good spellers).
[edit] The Wars of Leeds
In its unfortunately existent history, Leeds has seen many brutal wars. (And somehow won them all.)
[edit] Leeds Civil War
The first war to ever be recorded in Leeds was the Leeds Civil War. Taking place around 635 AD, it saw many brutal battles between the scummy members of the South and East Leeds Union (SELU) against the posh members of the North and West Leeds Guild (NWLG). It started when a SELU General named Gaz McScally asked a NWLG Colonel named Charles Winston-Greenberg for "10p mush". When Winston-Greenberg said "sorry, old chap", McScally called for assistance from his comrades Kaz McPikey, Daz McTownie and Baz McChav to "merk him up". This infuriated the NWLG and so they declared war on the SELU, striking bases in Middleton and Seacroft with tanks that fired tea and matzah bread. The SELU responded by amassing an army of hooded trackie-wearing baseball bat wielding scumbags. The two armies met in Gipton to fight in the epic Battle of Gipton, where the NWLG lost after losing their supply of tea and Jewbread. Ever since, Scallies have dominated much of Leeds.
[edit] Leeds and Bradford War
In the year 4125 Leeds had become a vast empire and wanted to rule all of the continent known as Yorkshire. The Emporer, Jimmy Saville XVIII had always hated Bradford so he one day said "let's conquer Bradford." The Bradfordians were pissed off so set their special forces team, known as the Bradford Bulls, to fight the Leodenisian army. Even though the Leodenisians got their arses kicked, they denied such a battle took place, so they unleashed their most deadly weapon upon the Bradfordians: Soap. Bradfordians were tortured by the cleanliness of the Leodenisians. Eventually the Leodenisians won, as their weapon made national headlines.
(Actually, Bradford's secret underground resistance has continued to fight on, vowing that a city with a unbeaten football team like Leeds United shall never rule West Yorkshire. Bradford failed after realising that there was a lack of brain power in an average group of 3000 Bradforidians)
[edit] Leeds-Sheffield War
In 1716, The democratic nerds of York declared Ilkley capital of Yorkshire. They then stated that Sheffield is "bigger than Leeds," a comment which fired Leeds up, who eventually sent 50 Yorkshire terriers to destroy Fulwood in Sheffield, so as to reclaim position as biggest city. Sheffield replied to this by sending 100,000 Crows to shit on Leeds city centre.
York was destroyed in the process, along with Doncaster for "being in the way". Whitby brought peace by telling both cities to shake hands. All emos slaughtered at the Battle of the Corn Exchange were happy to die for their cause.
[edit] The Leeds-London War
In 1977, the Socialist Cockneys of London wanted to a place up North to dominate as they felt the whole of South-East England was just not enough. So they sent up a regiment of communist students to parachute into North-West of Leeds and take over the districts of Burley, Hyde Park and Headingley. It was a landslide victory for the Cockneys. The then Mayor of Leeds, Prof. Sir Ricky Wilson, MBE gathered together a small army of drunken hooligan scum to fight back against the Cockneys. Alas, it was not to be.
The 15th Drunken Batallion of Leeds was brutally slaughtered in the battles of Holbeck, Chapel Allerton and Armley, and the Southerners, as a trophy, took the old buildings in these places and turned them into trendy bars. Prof. Wilson told the Londoners to try and capture Halton Moor or Gipton if they thought they were hard enough. These places scared the Londoners off but they're still operating in a secret lair underneath the Leeds University, ready to strike back one day.
[edit] Geography
Leeds is a vast and sprawling city. Here are some districts, as reviewed by Scottish Caravanner Magazine:
- Alwoodley - load of posh cunts
- Armley - a prison and a couple of crackheads.
- Beeston - where those pesky terrorists came from.
- Bramley - just your typical Leeds shithole really.
- Burley - posh students live here, so robbers, you're in heaven.
- Chapel Allerton - if you're a trendy snob you'll love it here.
- Chapeltown - "Da ghetto"
- East End Park - nice place if your phone's annoying you and you want rid of it.
- Farsley - yes, posh scallies do in fact exist.
- Gipton - that Satan bloke used to live here until he moved away out of fear.
- Halton Moor - nothing much to say, besides SHITHOLE.
- Harehills - resembles inner-city Baghdad.
- Headingley - go back to your own city you fucking students!
- Holbeck - got cash? Horny? Holbeck's the place for you!
- Horsforth - buncha inbreds.
- Hunslet - factories and car dealerships. And scumbags too.
- Hyde Park - yawn... more students.
- Kirkstall - an abbey and a railway, and *shock horror* more students!
- Little London - should be renamed Little South-East London.
- Meanwood - where Netto is the highlight of your day
- Middleton - world's oldest railway, world's youngest yobbos.
- Moortown - Moorj00s.
- Morley - boring old farts. With nothing better to do than call the cops
- Oakwood - a great big clock, popular with the Giptonites.
- Osmondthorpe - east Leeds. 'Nuf said.
- Richmond Hill - another shithole.
- Roundhay - don't be fooled by it's posh rep, Roundhay is full of wiggas wanting "ur fone" for "trettin deir endz init". Also some gangsta peeps is living dere.
- Seacroft - home of a blonde tramp named C-rat who eats cat food. Seacroft is renowned for being the best smelling estate in europe, mainly down to C-rats mum.
- Shadwell - fit lasses, posh kids who wanna be chavs and more j00s
- Street Lane - home of well known hobbits and people who want to live in Moortown
- Swarcliffe - drugs, drugs and maybe a few more drugs. Did I mention drugs?
- Wetherby - like a miniature Leeds, within the LS postcode. Annoying fuckers, and nutty Chavs dwell here.
- Whinmoor - smackheads and shit.
- Woodhouse - students.
- Wortley - RitchBitchesâ„¢.
As you can see, there are four types of areas in Leeds:
- The bog-standard shitholes such as Seacroft and Bramley
- The inbred upper-class suburbs such as Horsforth and Farsley
- The annoying studenty areas such as Kirkstall and Headingley
- The area for the greatest people in the world, Alwoodley.
[edit] Transport
Leeds has in the past few years gained a reputation for its excellent transport system. First off there's the Leeds-Bradford Airport which is a lifeline for Leeds and brings in lots of morons with nowhere better to go. However the airport should not be mistaken for a shed on the end of a big of tarmac, as this would almost be right. Unfortunately Leeds City Council ran out of money building the shed at the end of and bit of tarmac, and decided to team up with Bradford and make Leeds-Bradford (another pile-of-shit Yorkshire town) just to try and lower the reputation even more. But don't get me wrong, the Airport's reputation has risen since Jet 2 have announced flights to Spain and Amsterdam. (And in two words I've just summed up Leeds).
The bus service really takes the piss. First Leeds has an Overground service, advertised as every 10 minutes when in reality it's every 40 minutes and three full up buses come.
Taxi drivers are wankers. Tell them you only have a few quid under the fare and they'll start being rude and swearing at you, eventually dumping you in the middle of nowhere at 3AM. Not much to complain about with the trains and boats though.
Also people in Chapeltown eat a load of shit.
[edit] Customs
People from Leeds, or Leodensians, have many quaint customs that are the source of much fascination from the outside world. First of all, Leeds people appear unfriendly and bedraggled. However, they are very reseved and polite people and love it when you approach them with a smile and some friendly chit-chat. They communicate in a series of low grunts so you should not be surprised if they do not appear to say much that is audible to your ear. This complex system of communication has evolved in all the time Leeds has been a real city and Leodensians have had to interact with outsiders. Since, say, the 1980's...
They also do not think much of others giving them suggestions on how to live their lives. They throw empty Coke cans, cigarette butts, crisp packets ,chewing gum and other non-biodegradable items away in the middle of a street or in the Headrow, yards from a waste receptacle. This is not as irresponsible as it seems. It is the secret of Leeds' economic miracle and has generated many stable jobs in the street hygiene sector. (A project later adopted by China.)
It is considered acceptable to step out without first looking in the middle of fast moving traffic and expect it to come to a total standstill for you, even yards away from a pedestrian crossing. But if you are wearing a baseball cap, some expensive trainers and/or stripy jogging bottoms, the brake pedal may be "broken."
[edit] McDonalds
McDonalds is THE place to be in Leeds. If you're not there, you're belting the shit out of some poor unsuspecting Scunthorpe fan who's just there for a good time.
Back to the point, the McDonalds in Leeds is the only McDonalds to have no amount of red in the logo what so ever. This is because their hatred for Manchester United is so strong, and they were so sick of being beaten, they decided to smash it up. Their sign now consists of only yellow and white.
However Leeds' hatred of the color red is now redunant as they are no longer in the same league as Manchester United. So unless Whitby Town or Garforth WMC United begin playing in a red strip, the color red should be returned ASAP to the McDonalds logos in Leeds.
[edit] Art and culture
[edit] Visual arts
Street art or "graffiti" is a pleasant decoration seen around this city of pleasant eccentrics and individualists. You may see other examples of installation art such as vandalised bus shelters, piles of vomit, broken bottles, or the occasional burnt out car on a school playing field.
Leeds also has two art galleries, one of which is the Henry Moore institute. Henry Moore was from Castleford,which is not really Leeds. Well it is, in the way all those other little West Yorkshire satellite towns (Halifax, Bradford, Huddersfield etc) do NOT want to bask in the glory-hole that is Leeds.
"I've not been to the Henry Moore institute as you have to pay to get in, and everyone knows that good art galleries like the Tate Modern don't charge for you to enter," said an Uncyclopedia editor.
[edit] Cinema
Leeds is awash with the same, faceless cinemaplexes owned by faceless corporations that you would find in any other town. You can see all the same corny films as three quarters of the developed world watch anywhere else. This is why Leeds is so great. This is truly the town of the lowest common denominator, only below is Manchester, London and Cardiff. (But seriously the less said about Cardiff the better. Baaa.)
[edit] Famous people
Other than Kathy I'll have to get back to you about this one. Depends what you mean by famous. No one that becomes famous here stays and admits to being from Leeds. Even the infamous rapists and mass murders are reluctant to admit they are from Leeds.
[edit] Sport
[edit] Leeds United officially SUCK
Once a Premiership side, Leeds are now in League 1 and holding their own against teams who smell like men after a badminton match, in a desperate bid to justify the existence of this league, which lies some 2 divisions behind the Premiership. They will not be back.
Leeds tops the English football leagues in arrests for hooliganism. This alludes less to their physical prowess than their penchant for confronting 6 year-old children in ball-pens and adventure playgrounds.
Leeds United has just been sold to the evil dictator and con man Kenneth William Bates aka. Bad Santa, who has promised to continue to allow the clubs free-falling slide into a money oblivion, much to the delight of the FA, FIFA and every other human being with an IQ of 59 or more. Kenny Bates planned to add to elland road buy building a casino, hotel and what not.
Famously, the great football manager, Brian don't-fuck-with-me Clough, took the club all the way from the bottom of the league to the dressing room, where he shot thirteen of the players with a pump-action shotgun. Nine of these died, three were seriously injured and one suffered a complete collapse of all basic mental functions. However, this wasn't immediately detected, and the player continued to feature in the club's first eleven for another five seasons.
Since 1997, in a perverse twist of fate, a typing error on the standard players contract at the club, necessitates that all players must commit physical acts of racist abuse and then transfer to Newcastle United within a three year period of signing. Notably, Alan Smith failed to carry out this part of the contract; due to a misunderstanding he thought he was meant to commit physical acts of sexist abuse, and so was punished with a transfer to Manchester United. A similar typo at Newcastle requires that they thenceforth become utterly useless and fritter away their meagre savings on coal and pickled herring's feet.
Leeds have had two mainly successful periods, the first in the 1960s-70s under manager Don Revie. During this period Leeds were a somewhat good side, but would never had won anything if they had not kicked the shit out of all opposing teams. The second happened in 1992, when Howard Wilkinson's side won the title. This was a complete fluke however - Graeme Souness had stabbed all his good players at Liverpool to death because none of them would admit who stole his bike, George Graham's attempt at creating a team made entirely of defenders had screwed up Arsenal's season, and Fergie just didn't fancy winning Manchester United the title for another year.
"And for the record, REAL Leeds fans never ran onto the pitch in the penultimate game to the 2006-2007 season. Gary Kelly was later praised and recognised for his services to Leeds United with a loyal, 16 year stay. Gary Kelly is one of the greatest players ever to wear the leeds united shirt." - A statement which shows the average Leeds United fans IQ
[edit] Leeds City
The only club with an even worse history than Cardiff. Leeds City were a not really very good at all, who used bribery, hired assassins, arsonists, cheesewire, witch doctors, and all sorts of other foul tricks to get themselves to the dizzying heights of 6th in the old Division Two. They eventually got chucked out of the League for not paying the assassin they hired to murder Blackburn Rovers' goalkeeper (they argued that while the goalkeeper was permanently disabled when his legs were ripped off in the attempt, he didn't actually die, and so they didn't have to pay up), and United sprung up to replace them. Don Revie's team would later use the exact same tactics to ensure that their slightly better than average team won trophies that they would never have won under any normal circumstances, thus why the jealousy from other teams started.
[edit] Farsley Celtic
Surprisingly, Leeds has a smaller team (yes, Farsley is a part of Leeds, apparently), who play one division outside the League. While some concern has been raised that United's impending demise will see Celtic hijacked and turned into the new United (or "Leeds Celtic" as is being proposed), their ground has been treated with holy water, to ensure that no Cardiff fan can ever set foot inside it without spontaneously combusting.
[edit] Leeds Rhinos
The official best Rugby League team in the world! Officially better than Saints and that shit that comes from Bradford! However, one must remember that Rugby League isn't anywhere near as hard as Rugby Union. It's like a mix of touch rugby and Rugby Union.
[edit] Cricket
The national sport of the Grim North is cricket. Leeds is notable for having the world's only annular cricket ground, Headingley, which completely encircles the city centre at a mean distance of 0.8 nautical miles from the town hall.
[edit] Jimmy Saville
Offically the fittest man in Leeds, this living legend has run many marathons in his time. Jokes aside, its better than the shit that comes from Cardiff.
[edit] Pop Music
[edit] 1970s
Due to the 1960s lasting 17 years (and counting) in Yorkshire, Pop Music didn't exist in Leeds until 1979 when the punk explosion hit. So there isn't much to go in this section, unless of course you count Paul & Barry Ryan, and Christie.
[edit] 1980s
In the grim post-punk years, Leeds was the scene of the invention of goth music, led by the gloom-laden sound of Kaiser Chiefs, who ruled the city for the whole decade. Goths are still a common sight in Leeds to this day.
[edit] 1990s
The Leeds popular music scene opted out of the 1990s under a European Union directive. (Lucky Leeds)
[edit] 2000s
More recently, a wave of indie-rock led by the band the The Sisters of Mercy has swept the city, sweeping aside Leeds' grumpy image with their un-emotive, phil colins sound.
[edit] The future
No further bands will be allowed to come from Leeds. Perhaps the Pigeon Detectives, depends if they fit the definition of "band". (Which they don't.) Phil collins is looking for a house in burley. but he probably wont go for it, as it only has 'hot' and 'cold' taps. he would prefer there to be a 'medium'.
[edit] Tourist explosion
Recently, Leeds has seen a huge explosion in its tourist industry. Africans and South Americans in particular have been flocking over to experience the year-round cold and miserable weather, a perfect anti-dote to the scorching sunshine of their home countries. The main Marks & Spencer store in the city (or at least the café inside it) appears to be a magnet for Americans boasting to each other about how great America is next to Britain. These same people seem to have invaded York too.
Many tourists are seen relaxing in deckchairs in Roundhay Park on midsummer afternoons, enjoying the local kebabs, rain and luke-warm Tetley bitter, before venturing to local pubs for an evening of drunkenness and violence.
Also popular are its "savage reservations" especially around Burley, Chapeltown, Seacroft, Swarcliffe, Harehills and bits of the city centre, where tourists can see real-life savagery in action, such as gangs of kids beating up students, stealing cars, burning down pubs and robbing houses.
However, you may be disappointed by the distinct lack of Bullfighting in Leeds. This is because Leeds thinks Bullfighting is for Gays (Aka Bradford). Chuck Norris vs Mr T fights are the main form of entertainment.
[edit] Transport
[edit] Piggy Back Rides
Some Manchester based homosexual people give other Aberdeen based homosexual people in Leeds Piggy-back rides; also known as Rugby Union.
[edit] Driving
Driving is the best way to get around the city, but if you are visiting or new to Leeds you should be aware of some changes to driving etiquette.
Most people have adopted the chav/boy racer, slumped posture when driving. When driving in Leeds be aware that people expect you to drive over twice the legal speed limit, depending on the area you are driving in (e.g. On a residential street that would normally be 30mph, you are expected to drive at 60mph.)
The dangers of speeding are not generally recognised here and locals despise speed cameras as a government plot of parting them with their hard earned cash that would otherwise be spent on baseball caps,stripey jogging pants, cigarettes, alcopops, striped hair or accessories for their cars,such as those big exhaust pipes they like to attach to their Fiat Puntos and Vauxhall Micras to give one the impression they are in fact driving a Ferrari.
One should note that these big exhaust pipes can be cheaply made by glueing a giant economy sized tin of beans onto the back of whatever clapped out banger you are intending to pass off as a sports car.
Drivers in Leeds are generally very relaxed drivers who have no fear of death. Two deviations from the norm of note are not indicating when changing lanes and pulling out at junctions in front of other road users and expecting them to decelerate from 40mph to 0mph over a distance of 2 metres.
Any attempt to point out the error of their ways is generally rewarded with a two fingered salute or a string of expletives. Also legally you are not allowed to leave more than a 50cm gap between yourself and the driver in front of you, lest someone from London cut in front of you and get to where you are going before you. HEAVEN FORBID!
Traffic lights should not be taken too seriously. A red light is merely a suggestion that it would be safer to wait, but don't worry if you do have an accident, its always the other persons fault. Again, if no one catches you it is not a crime. And the Leeds General Infermirey would solve any injuries caused.
Other groups of drivers, such as the Roundhay park SUV tractor drivers union imitate this driving philosophy which basically boils down to two easily remembered maxims:
- It's always someone else's fault
- The world owes me a living
Coincidentally these are also the first two articles in the constitution of England.
White van drivers are another example of the varied driving scene in Leeds. These gentlemen of the road are ex-boy racers who got lucky and obtained jobs in doing what they like doing best: driving poorly while texting pornography and dirty jokes to their mates.
[edit] Buses
Can be scary for the uninitiated, even then you have to be careful. First of all be prepared for surly bus drivers who downright feel offended if you ask them to tell you when your stop is. Do not be surprised if they refuse to allow you to board if you need too much change from the money you have given them. They may also refuse you if you give them too much coinage which requires a lot of complex mental arithmatic to count, damn souse bus drivers.
If you are foreign (ie. not from Leeds) they may ask you to repeat yourself several times. Be reassured this is not because they have misunderstood you, but they love to hear foreign accents which reminds them there is a world outside of Leeds and how shit their life in Leeds really is.
Secondly, do not be surprised about people smoking on the top deck. Although this is illegal in the rest of the United Kingdom, the law only ever applies to "other people" in Leeds so no one will take responsibility for their own actions. Also loud, tinny, thumping, speeded up music that would not be out of place in a gay Manchester disco must at all times be played by monosyllabic teenagers not old enough to drive their own cars yet (Though it is legal to drive a car at any age as long as it is someone else's car)
Remember in Leeds it is considered very poor form to consider asking someone to stop doing something that is annoying or harmful to others.
[edit] Trains
Generally, not a good way of getting around Leeds as they only go to other places. Which is not strictly speaking a bad thing... Leeds City Station is one of the architectural marvels of modern Britain.
But it officially has the most muggings and unprovoked attacks of any train station in England outside of London, therefore making the above fact obsolete.
Which is not surprising when you see the stressed out, angry commuters struggling to get through the ticket barriers after the conductor failed to come round the train to sell them the ticket they needed to get to Leeds on a train that was 30 minutes delayed. There are two pubs in the station which won awards for being the most smoker friendly in the country.
The smoking ban in England started in July 2007 but this does not apply to Leodensians as it is their right to smoke goddammit and no one has the right to be offended by the hazards of second hand smoke.
Basically it is expected the smoking ban will be largely ignored in most of the pubs across Leeds.
[edit] Trams
See Manchester, Nottingham or any other half decent reconstructed Northern city for a reason not for Leeds to get them. Seriously worst transport ever.
[edit] Cycling
I wouldn't if I were you. You really are taking your life in your own hands if you ask me. Didn't you know cycle lanes are there to park in?
[edit] Leeds - The Coolest City in the World?
No.
[edit] Leeds and London
London thanks God it isn't Leeds. Upper class Leodensians have recently been going to London to give lessons in being more unfriendly and uptight than the cockney red scum already are. London is becoming more like Leeds in some ways. All the refugee Southerners go up there making all the property really bloody expensive. Basically, lots of Cockneys who could barely afford a single bedroom flat above a crack den in Leeds came down to do jobs in computing or something that really doesn't benefit anyone but themselves. They buy up all the property and in doing so out price out all the local first time buyers.
Leeds people moaned a lot, like they had the right to do, when they didn't succeed in copying Sheffield and get an overpriced tram system, that would be paid out of tax payers money like Manchester so somehow Leeds was really really hard done by. (But less money spent on Liverpool the better.) What they failed to acknowledge is that Leeds is one nineteenth of the size of Greater Manchester, the city centre is easily navigated on foot, and the planned tram stops would have to be every 10 metres or so to allow a tram map containing more than 10 tram stops to be designed.
Leeds is sometimes called the Milan of the North. There are many similarities between Leeds and Milan. They both have an 'L' in their name and have two syllables.
It has also been dubbed the Knightsbridge of the North. Somehow having a lot of shops that sell expensive looking cheap clothes (or is it cheap looking expensive clothes?) entitles them to use this moniker. But the saying "Comeback when you have a 'Harvey Nicks'" is used to mock other cities except Manchester has a Harvey Nicks and two Selfridges so this really puts Leeds' shopping to shame.
[edit] Luxury apartments
Recently there has been a glut of property developers building "luxury apartments". Luxury apartments are a new thing in Leeds. They are characterised by the following amenities:
- Rooms with walls. With damp. So much it makes the river ouse look like a big long drought.
- Hot water and running water (but not at the same time, it can either be hot or running, not both.You only have hot water in the luxury luxury apartments which you can't afford.)
- Doors so the pigs and sheep can't wander through your living space. Sadly they cannot afford doors for every apartment.
- A shower AND a bath.
- Windows that are all broken.
- Lifts that break down and have feces smeared all over the buttons.
Current predictions are that these monotonous blights on Leeds' city skyline will be snapped up very quickly by property speculators and other mad people to sell on/rent at extortionate prices to people who really don't understand the word "luxury." Quick, quick, run for your lives and get on the "property ladder" or you will be left behind!
In 30 years, it is expected that these poorly constructed shanty towns in the sky will be condemned and seen for the eyesore that they really are. Then the property developers can get twice as rich by building more luxury apartments.
[edit] Conclusions
All in all, Leeds is a pretty SHIT place to live.
