Legal and general
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Legal and General is a worldwide company that collects souls and uses them to sustain Tom Cruise who is not gay. Legal and general do this by providing life assurance to the people of britain: when they sign the contract they do not realize they are signing their souls over to Satan and thus when they die they cannot claim on their life assurance and their soul belongs to Hitler and Darth Vader. However this doesn't stop people taking out life assurance with them, hoodwinked by cunning financial advisors and providing a large work load for the enslaved hundreds of employees. Legal and General are a company who will provide you and your spouse with Life Assurance and then guarantee to kill your spouse within the next 5 years and pay you the money, this is the only time you will ever receive an actual payout from the company, Legal and General is passionatly committed to keeping court costs of divorce down and acquiring more souls to feed Tom Cruise
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[edit] Where is it located?
Legal and General exists in the ether, the fourth circle of hell- the hoarders and the spendthrifts. However it has earthbound offices in Hove, Cardiff and Birmingham. Once you enter the front doors of these buildings however, you will find yourself in another dimension: hell. The buildings, though they appear clean, are fraught with dangers such as dead Pigeons in the air conditioning, mice in your shoes, and flying staples. There are also Hungry Hungry Hippos residing between desks and should you lean out of position they will eat you!
Contrary to popular theory that J.K. Rowling's bestselling 'Harry Potter' books are based entirely on fiction, there is substantial proof in offices of Legal & General indicating that the stories of teenage wizzarding are based on a particular department within the company. Many of the nation's favourite characters exist in true form within Legal & General such as the lovable Albus Dumbledore, the untrustworthy Cornelius Fudge, Nymphadora Tonks, James and Lilly Potter, Luna Lovegood, Ginny Weasley and even a few death eaters have been rumoured to have a 9-5 at Legal & General.
[edit] Who runs Legal and general?
Legal and General works on many different levels of Hell. It recruits university graduates with promises of a career and a safe income, then turns them into mindless drones working for a Queen Bee (an actual giant Bee). Most employment at Legal and General is call centre based with most customer service run by Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air Uncle Phil was known for wanton cruelty at her previous posts in Hell and now has decided to set up a new Concentration Camp in Legal and General HQ. Workers at legal and General tend to be ex-Harry Potter characters with Lucius Malfoy working as a financial advisor and seducer of young female workers and Lord Voldemort training newcomers in the ways of phone scripts and bearer of Hairy Babies. Also monitoring the corridors is Helga from Hey Arnold - if you work and legal and general beware! her Moustache can eat a whole human once a day and it's getting mighty hungry.
[edit] Perversion at the company
- This company is home to the uber Fishwife who preys on young men, snaffling them away
- Slimer from Ghostbusters is a financial advisor who also enjoys sliming female co-workers
- sloth from goonies enjoys exposing his nipples on a regular basis at Legal and General parties.
- Paul Daniels will buy you cakes but you mustn't accept or he will woo you- it is best to avoid the floor he works on, where he turns money into fake money.
- Ginny Weasley, ex lover of Harry Potter has been known to run around SNOGGING whilst loved up on the sweet smell of life assurance, this is frowned upon as she is the PA for benevolant overlord Biggie Smalls
[edit] Trivia
- L+G last year had the highest profit of any company thanks to it merging with the Nazi Party
- Chuck Norris tuned down a job at L+G
- Emo hitler once worked in the post room
- The sandwich lady is notorious sorcerous Vanessa Feltz
- The river of slime from Ghostbusters 2 runs underneath all three main locations thanks to Slimer
- All recovery rooms hold a portal to Bulgaria
- Harry Potter himself does not work for L+G he works for Admiral Insurance
