Lemmy
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Lemmy Kilmister (also known as Lemmy Kill Master, Lemmy Von Motorhead, and Motorhead Vonfuckurmother, also beleived to be God) was the first EVER conductor of Hitler's great Motörhead. Lemmy was born in 1567 at the age of 3. He was the resultant growth on the face of Magical Mystical Mole from a bar fight in 7651.Him, his Motörheadbangers and his childhood friend Glenn Danzig are currently planning an "ethnic cleansing" of the Emo population world wide. He lives on a diet of Malboros, Jack Daniels, and sex with your mom. He and Glenn are childhood friends and have banded together in an attempt to destroy emos. Lemmy however used this new form of British heavy transport (NFOBHT) to break free from Hitler and begin his hostile takeover of Earth. So far he has taken :
- The virginity of every woman on earth...3 times
- Virginities in every Camaro still running - If it's worth doing Lemmy has done it in a Camaro back seat
- 1 Computer
- 2.7 People
- 3 small bungalows
- George Bush's brain
- 4 billion pairs of now non-virgin teenage girl's panties
- Anna Nicole Smith's life, he banged her and she died from overwhelming pleasure
- My Monkey's banana
- The color green
- Chuck Norris' beard
- 5 Rocketships powered by an Orgasmatron
- Your dignity
- That midget and amputee you saw that one time walkin down the street, you know, the ones in those weird looking hats
- Satan's left horn and pitchfork
- Those socks that disappear in the dryer
- Captain America's shield
- Garfield's Lasagna
- Masamune Shirow
Contrary to popular belief, Jesus Christ did not die on the cross but was taken down by Lemmy and rocked until his head imploded (a rare ability only Lemmy possesses) Lemmy then proceeded to eat Jesus' heart to be certain his reign of terror was over for good and had sex with the now non-virgin Mary on the mess that was Jesus' head.
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[edit] Lemmy's Neck Problems
Lemmy has a disorder called Vertebrae Union, which he gained in the early years of Hawkwind, where they played their first gigs in a boxing arena, but the mic couldn't quite reach his mouth, so he brought his mouth up to it. It is also attributed to banging every woman that you know and ever will come to know... your back would be stiff too. This was his position for so long that his entire upper spine became one bone. Lemmy don't give a fuck though.
[edit] Lemmaths
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This is a long debated mathematical problem posed by Sir- I mean that vile piece of erm yeh Lemmy himself at the age of 2 in the year 1566, 1 year before his birth. Some people say Lemmy has taken over me. HE IS A GREAT LEADER AND WE SHOULD DO WHAT HE SAYS. He is the only one(along with Danzig) who can ultimately end the emo existence. His battle plan is to simply use his vile mind control(through his bass playing) to stop all resistance, then make us lead all known female virgins to him for a sexual sacrifice. Silly Lemmy.
[edit] Rumours
Rumour has it that before Lemmy's rise to power, he played in a space rock band known as Hawkwind. He was fired from this band after stealing all the guitar strings from his fellow band members to create a chainmail. The members of Hawkwind put Lemmy in a so called Terminus-sonde and sent him into space. He was rescued in the year 3005 by Gandalf near the planet Gandalvalosus where he stole the lyrics for the famous song Døømcröw and the Motion Captured Performances of Tom Hanks. Gandalf sent Lemmy beck in time using the time machine made by his friend Marty McFly. It is also rumored that he butt-fucked Jessica Alba 4 times.
[edit] Conection to Monster Magnet
Lemmy apeared to Dave Whinedorf of Monster magnet and gave him an inspireing speach and legendary artefact sword The Sword of A Thousand Splifs. Lemmy regrets giving them the sword as it could have been a potent weapon for slaying Emos in Lemmy's Emocaost. Lemmy inteended to mould Dave into his own image create and make him as filthy and dirty and fucking awsome as he is. However as is always with Sith Lemmy's aprentice betrayed him and formed a stoner space rock band called Monster magnet and based it on Hawkwind just to piss Lemmy of.
[edit] Trivia
- Is the man behind the lyrics on Akon's "I Wanna Fuck You."
- Friends with former Mayor of Paris, Jacques Chirac.
- Wears your mother's panties.
- Keen amateur of Nazi Art : has achieved to purchase Heinrich Himmler's complete collection of Abba EP's and rare demos.
- When played backwards, Motörhead's world famous hit Ace of Base proves to be yet another plagiarised version of Singing in the Rain by Gene Simmons.
- Defeated Chuck Norris in the same manner as he killed Original Jesus
- He is the fifth, unmentioned leader of the 4 Overlords of the Universe, he is unmentioned because of others' fears of his superior rock abilities
- He has defeated God for the WWE Championship, he has changed the spinning WWE symbol to a spinning vagina
- Lemmy is not only the father of Triple H, but he is also the father of modern medicine.
- While on a cocaine binge with the 4th Doctor, Lemmy sired the hanyou known as Inuyasha.
- Has had sex over 3,927,938,759,134,650,948,311,734,680,946,503,479,163,712,975,480,956,476,510,934 times................... Today
