Leonardo da Vinci

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“So That's who painted my door the wrong colour yesterday.”

~ Pootah

“Veni, Vidi, Vici!”

~ Mona Lisa, trying to come up with a name for her son

“He is a man I greatly admire.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Leonardo da Vinci

“Ehh, you thief!”

~ Leonardo DiCaprio on Leonardo da Vinci

“D'oh this man's got balls!”

~ Homer Simpson

Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci (Template:Audio), April 15, 1452 – May 2, 1519) was a Tuscan polymath; a scientist, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, painter, sculptor, architect, botanist, musician, writer, bighead and general clever-clogs know-it-all. He created a secret code, called "The DaVinci Hacks". This secret code was recently discovered and mentioned in Dan Brown's book of the same name. The code is somewhat similar to English in the letters it uses, but when spelled out creates nothing but gibberish. Opponents argue that the secret code is something called "Italian", but they can go to hell.

Da Vinci's first code was considerably simpler to crack.
Da Vinci's first code was considerably simpler to crack.

Contents

[edit] History

As a child, Leonardo showed a gift for art and engineering.
As a child, Leonardo showed a gift for art and engineering.
   
Leonardo da Vinci
 I am the greatest. I can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
   
Leonardo da Vinci

Leonardo da Vinci was born to Mona Lisa, the man of the St. Ives riddle fame, born out of matrimony of that man and his second wife in 1212. He was born Deaf, Dumb, and Blind, and, oddly, through his mother's mouth, though this was commonplace in Europe from 800AD - 1976AD. Early in his childhood, he moved to Italy to get away from everyone asking the same fucking riddle which plagued him for the whole of his pathetic life. Keen to get away from that damned riddle, he began to focus on inanimate objects and became adept at making and drawing things that could not talk. His early work was inspired by Spiderman and till his death he used to dream of making a master race of mute spidermen that would do his bidding.

When he was 16 (only 7 years after he was born) Leonardo made a trip to Vietnam and soon discovered a rock band called Cspinach. The trip was not intentional as he went to beach and was unable to swim back home Italy (remember: he was blind)! The next 2 years at Vietnam he played as a bassist, and during the time the band recorded 2 albums, and Leonardo invented the TANK! "Ahh rock music, and the boom boom bass sounds inspirit me too much to make anything softer but a WAR TANK!" he said. That's may be the reason that the next 4 centuries, so many men went to Vietnam to make some wars, they wanted to see the tank!

After Leonardo turned about 20 possibly later, it is still up for debate as to when, but he and several of his friends started to get in to stickball. Which is basically baseball for poor Italian scientists. He noticed he was good at it, and went to play in the minor leagues, where he was dubbed the first Minor League Stickball prodigy.

[edit] Leonardo in his prime

Leonardo, in his creative prime, at work processing his "photos"
Leonardo, in his creative prime, at work processing his "photos"

At his prime, Leonardo is believed to have raped over 1,200 children, and to have "sexually abused" many more. Although he never admitted to his "hobby", Leo was the first child pornographer, as he sold 1000's of explicit child paintings.

Leonardo, as inventor, was jealous all of his life of the achievements of one of his colleagues, Les Paul, the inventor of the fret2fret system, which generated more dollars than Leonardo had seen in his entire life.

Being financially in the shadow of Les Paul spoiled his interest in musical instruments, and he did not listen to music ever since he learned about this fret2fret system, posthumously. Leonardo's posthumous jealousy was not only because the financial circumstances of his colleague were so much better than his. The fret2fret system appeared to be scientific fact, unlike all hobbyism Leonardo had been occupied with. Worst of all, Leonardo did not have the money to bid on the system on auction. Dollars had not been invented yet in his days!

The great breakthrough that made Leonardo da Vinci world famous was as an actor when he played one of the main characters in the movie Titanic. This role turned Leonardo into the superstar who he wanted to be. Also, because he rescued the full crew of the ship when it sank, it made him a world hero.

It is also known by many historians that da Vinci painted the famous Mona Lisa with MS paint. In ten minutes.

[edit] Leonardo the Programmer

Leonardo, as a young computer programmer.
Leonardo, as a young computer programmer.

In the later portion of his life, Leonardo became a hobbyist programmer, and a pedofiliac pornstar. However, he found the existing programming languages were insufficient for what he wanted to program. He then, just for fun, created his own programming language. Although, officially, he called it "Leonardo's Programmoromma!", pop culture soon dubbed it The DaVinci Code.

A little known fact about Da Vinci is that he actually had a secret lover, a 2 year old boy named Edguardo.

Ten years after inventing his computer language, Leonardo used a powerful virus to hold East Timor to ransom. Unfortunately for Leonardo, East Timor's only computer was on top of a remote hill. On an off-shore island. Which was hit by a tornado.

[edit] Leonardo's Inventions

Leonardi Da Vinci is famous for his mostly useless but still rather sweet inventions he drew up on late nights while he was hungover. Most of his inventions turned out to be failures, such as his flying machines, tanks, a poor predecessor to the rubber chicken and invisible underwear. One of his most infamous inventions is the flying toilet. He got the idea for a flying toilet one night when he was out flying on one of his flying machines and he had to use the bathroom. The only way to solve this, he realized, was to make a flying toilet. The launch of it was successful. He flew smoothly over the towns and fields while simultaneously enjoying a good dump. He set the world record for Highest Dump, which has still not been broken. Unfortunately, he flew into a strong updraft that turned the whole thing upside down. Poop started raining down on all the townspeople below, who thought they were experiencing "Black Rain." Leonardo quickly headed for home. He realized just how big of a disaster the machine was when he noticed he forgot to install toilet paper.

[edit] Leonardo's Statements Involving Light

"Light is like an instrument that pirates use to study funeral pyre exhaust. Therefore, if one devotes his whole life to the study of light, we may one day become ushers at a large wedding of piratal booty."

- Leonardo da Vinci

[edit] Leo's Statements Involving Earlier Statements

“I heart piratal booty.”

~ Leonardo da Vinci on Previous Statements

[edit] Da Vinci's most famous inventions

[edit] Things people think Da Vinci invented

[edit] Great Secret

It has been hypothesized that if the outer layer of the Last Supper were scraped away, it would reveal this
It has been hypothesized that if the outer layer of the Last Supper were scraped away, it would reveal this

By carefully examining his paintings, conspiracy theorists suspect that Leonardo was a member of the Priory of Brie, who believed that Jesus used to eat cheese. This is a major debate that continues with the Priory of Ritz, who believes that Jesus was a cracker

[edit] Clearing his Name

In 1998, Leonardo launched an ongoing investigation into the numerous slanderous lies about him that have surfaced since his death in 1519.

This has become known as Da Vinci's Inquest (and is currently airing in syndication, in most major markets).

[edit] Trivia

  • Leonardo da Vinci was the longest reigning Mornington Crescent champion of all time.
  • Leonardo da Vinci later became captain of the USS Enterprise, beginning his well-known feud with the Vogons.
  • Leonardo da Vinci had a midget wife for 3 days after a wild binge in Vegas.
  • Leonardo da Vinci once had a run in with the mafia, resulting in the famous expression "Vinny vidi daVinci".
  • Leonardo da Vinci is the secret lovechild of Oscar Wilde and Dumbledore.
  • Every woman wants him in the pants (even the lesbian ones)
  • Although born in Italy, Leonardo grew up as a little black boy in the ghetto.
  • plays the cello very well, and frequently gets jiggly wit it.
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