Leprechaun
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“Here's where I met the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.”
~ Ralph Wiggum on Leprechauns
“I'll eat your dog and shine your shoes, fuck you, I'm a leprechaun!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Leprechauns
“Who all dat seen da leprechaun say YEEAHH!!!”
~ Crazy Black Guy from Bama on Leprechauns
“Ima take a back hoe an' up root dat tree...I wanna no where da gold at.. i want da gold!”
~ Different crazy black guy on Leprechauns
Leprechauns are little magical hoppity green creatures commonly confused with the Irish. Although by and large most of them are, in fact, actually Swedish, most Leprechauns deny any connection to the Swedes, preferring to claim they are of French Hugenot, Bangladesh, or Nubian descent. They are also known to work in Tescos. A super-dooper market that sells monkeys in sandwiches
Leprechauns are not to be confused with little people, them what used to be known in some parts as midgets. Many a lusty battle of shortness and harsh language has been fought between these bitter rivals at teeny tiny bars across the world.
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[edit] Attributes and Characteristics
The Leprechauns were the indigenous people of Ireland until they all died out due to the massive tidal wave caused when Atlantis sank. The only Leprechauns left now are urban Leprechauns who bear as much resemblance to the real thing as Santa Claus does to the Tooth Fairy. Your average urban Leprechaun is a cunning bastard and will take anything that hasn't been nailed down by a nail gun. Contrary to popular belief, if you catch one of them, you will not get three wishes or a pot of gold; you will only get a kick in the crotch or a pull of the johnson. Leprechauns are of the genus Irishia weia notia.
Saddam Hussein is said to be of Leprechaun blood and did once live in Ireland before Graduating from Evil University and becoming a dictator whose only aim was to destroy all Jews (ALLAH AKBA) as they always seem to want to. Saddam has managed to create an ultimate rainbow that instead of hiding his pot of gold hides his weapons of mass destruction.
[edit] Diet
Leprechauns eat small twigs and berries, along with the occasional magic mushrooms. They often smoke alot of weed and eat waterchooks.
[edit] The Leprechaun Constant
In 1993 when James O'Neil finished his first movie, Leprechaun, he went to the University of Physics in Africa to follow his dream of discovering the Leprechaun Constant, an ancient belief that all motion is determined by how large a Leprechaun's testicle is.
This relationship of motion can be expressed with the following equation:
where L is the Leprechaun constant, 360 is a complete circle, V the velocity of of the object and m the mass of the Leprechaun's testicle.
The chief Leprechaun currently in existence is Ian Thompson, also the arch villain Papa Smurf's right hand man. (Fucking midget)
[edit] History
Back in the middle ages, a race of short stout folk who enjoyed eating pies and drinking beer (not to be confused with the Welsh! or Hobbits!) received word of a mass of gold at an end of a rainbow. They set out on a quest a band of about 10,000 or so they named them selves Leprechauns for it was the funniest name they could think of at the time. They waited until it had rained and they followed what seemed to be an endless rainbow, however the rainbow did end after a long trek it ended in a small town on the furthest point to the east of Russia. They gathered the gold and placed them on their ponies and headed home.
They stayed in Moscow and buried some of the gold there. To do this they dragged the end of the rainbow with them and planted it in its new home of Moscow town centre. They stayed in Moscow for about two weeks. During this time a group of Cornish Fire Pixies got news of the Leprechauns escapade they raced out to Moscow to confront them. The leader of these Pixies, Chief Littleflyingfuck, confronted the Leprechauns. Records state that this was the first time they were called Leprechauns as the Pixies cannot speak properly. After a short argument lasting 5 days (this was short for Pixies as the longest recorded argument lasted 4 months) a battle ensued causing death for many Pixies and Leprechauns alike.
The Leprechauns were victorious in this fight and made their way to Cornwall to rape and pillage the lands of the Pixes. Many female Pixies became impregnated and children were produced. Each of the children were the size of Pixies yet wore green and spoke with an Irish accent. The Pixie mothers would have kept them but for one defect each and everyone was ginger. The Leprechauns stayed with the Pixies for a while, however they all died of as they caught AIDS.
They left the news and knowledge to their children (who were called Leprechauns by their mothers) as to where the gold was kept thus they gathered the gold and took most of it to Ireland leaving some of it in Moscow.
One leprechaun named Jennifer Aniston is now a famous actress.
[edit] Head Lephrachaun
Main article: Head Lephrachaun
Head Lephrachaun is not to be confused with an ordinary Leprechaun. You can tell just by noticing Lephrachaun and leprechaun are differently spelled. As a matter of fact, Head isn't a Leprechaun to any extent a real leprechaun it is actually a tall dwarf. The richest of these royal dwarfs are the family on the TLC channel the Roloffs.
The head leprechaun likes watching period boy and mighty mouse have a epic battle in a dark alley.
[edit] The Conspiracy Theory
A little known fact is that Leprechauns get their luck using divine interventions. Need proof? I've got it.
<mysterious music>
You all heard the phrase ancient truth "God favor the drunks and the fools" Some of you might have heard a variant of it though. For instance, those of you who live in England might have heard a slightly different version saying "God favour the drunks and the fools" But I digress.
Now, where do Leprechauns come from? Ireland that's right. And what do they do in Ireland? That's right, they drink. We're half way there. Wouldn't you agree that Leprechauns acts a bit silly? What with their lucky charms and everything. One might go as far as saying they act foolishly, making them fools.
You said it yourselves, Leprechauns are drunks and fools, and according to the ancient saying they are favored by the Gods. Which is why they are luckly all the time and have that much gold.
Well, they're out of luck now, for now we know the secret of their success, all we need to do is drink up a keg of ale and walk around in a gestour's hat and we'd be drowning in luck.
Think about it... think about it...
</mysterious music>
[edit] Oscar Wilde
What article related to anything Irish, or anything really, would be complete without some trivial trivia on Oscar Wilde?
It be a little known fact that Oscar Wilde is actually the largest leprechaun of them all. He is so large because his mother was half-lerpechaun and half-human, and his father was Vulcan. Actually, his father was Spock, but don't tell anyone. So either way that accounts for his hugeness and awesomeness.
[edit] News Stories
- "Leprechaun" remake in the works, UnNews, March 16, 2007
