Liberal Olympics
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Liberal Olympics are a contradiction to the laws of the universe. By definition, they should not exist, but through the use of black holes, and large reflective surfaces, conditions have been created that allow them to exist. The Liberal Olympics are a place for the citizens of the world to come together, and tell each other how good they are at what they do.
The great gathering of the particiapants is one of the mysteries of the event since it is not necessary to actually witness their marvelous execution to tell them how wonderful they did. It is really how they meant to do it, or how they imagined it in their head that matters. If you can imagine that they can imagine something exceptional, then that is all you need to participate in the Liberal Olympics.
Contents |
[edit] History
Before the Liberal Olympics, in the time of the dark ages when people's feelings and self esteem were held with little regard, the Olympics were rife with competition and winners. Somewhere along the way someone realized that the vast majority of the world could not participate in the event at all, and that of those that did get to attend the majority of those walked away as loosers. The very premise of the event was a negative one telling people they weren't good enough, and that they might as well go home and quitely shoot themselves in the head.
After reworking the rules only slightly, it was possible to remove these negative connotations by allowing everyone to participate, and making sure that the scoring was done in a fair and even handed manner. There would be no more judgement of people to determine if they were "good enough" to win a medal. All that was necessary to succeed was to show up, and everyone could earn a medal and have that feeling of accomplishment.
[edit] Rules
The modified rules are the key aspect that allows the Liberal Olympics to exist at all. If it weren't for these noble efforts to eliminate the possibility of loosing, then there would be little hope for the participants. These rules are tentative, and exceptions can be made at any time if it appears that someone's feeling are going to be hurt.
- Contestants who have not had enough training, or have coaches considered to be bad, are given a head start before any judging takes place.
- Anyone who wants to compete is allowed to, there is no qualifying round.
- After all the points are tallied up, half the points earned by the contestants that would have gotten the medals are distributed to players that didn't do as well.
- If a contestant that was originally going to get the gold medal still gets the gold medal, they have additional windfall points deducted from their score.
- After the points are adjusted to make them fair, everyone gets a gold medal.
- The United States is not allowed to earn more medals than any other competitor.
[edit] In the Press
To further protect the participants, it is important that the spirit of the event carry through not only the activities themselves, but into how things are reported. Below is a list of words and phrases that should never be used when making reference to what happened in the Liberal Olympics.
- Winner
- Looser
- Better
- Worse
- Competition
[edit] Economics
While the Olympics have always been a significant financial drain on the communities that host the Olympics, the Liberal Olympics have taken it to a whole new level. Since there are no restrictions on participation, and since it wouldn't be fair to discriminate against someone just because they don't exist, it is estimated that the actual enrolment is several times the total world population.
Given the number of gold medals that have to be awarded, the Liberal Olympics have been credited for the total financial colapse of the major economies of the world. The shear cost of handing out gold medals to everyone who does attend, or wants to attend has sapped the world supply of gold. Many of the world governments resorted to forcably collecting gold in the form of coins and jewlery in order to be able to award the gold medals.
With this shortage of gold a new profession was created, namely Professional Olympians. These professionals spend the majority of their time completing the enrollment forms for all the events they wish to participate in. Since there are no restrictions for particiapation, all but the most discerning professionals enroll in all the events offered. Since attendance isn't really necessary, they wait for their medals in the mail, and then sell the gold back to the Olympic Awards Committe to be awarded as gold medals in the next olympics. If someone is willing to put the strenuous two hours a week in, they can just barely get all the forms completed to fully enroll in both the winter and summer olympics each time they come around.
[edit] Controversy
Although significant efforts have been taken to eliminate the key competitive aspects of the events, there are still some hold outs in the liberal community that believe that there are still too many negative aspects to the gathering. They feel that since the origins of the Olympics are competitive in nature, that there is still too much potential for people to believe that they must do well in the events to feel as if they are successfull. The only way to guarantee that someone will not be permanently emotionally damaged is to stop the events all together.
