Libertarianism
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“Libertarianism is the perfect pleasure. You can kick a libertarian's ass 100 times and still feel the desire to kick him again.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Libertarianism
“We want communism back!”
~ CIA on Libertarianism
Libertarianism is a political ideology based on the classic principles of laissez-faire socioeconomics and joints.
Libertarians are ashamed of the fact that they are actually believers in a political ideology, since politicians in their eyes are fat, ugly vampires nurturing themselves by sucking the free spirit out of the back bones of ordinary citizens.
The libertarians therefore do not want to pretend to be politicians. Instead they tend to move far away from the political power centers where only the racoons can hear their loud cries for liberty.
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[edit] Comparision with Classical Liberalism
While classical liberals defend freedom because the invisible hand and self interest in a open market society automatically will steer the economy in the direction most beneficial for the majority, libertarians fight authority because it's their own goddamned business what the fuck is cooking in their hay barn and whether they are huffing kittens with their own kids or not.
Libertarianism also provides a life supporting breathing hole for those bourgeois liberal middle class kids who want to smoke pot without having to become anarchists and renounce their family fortunes.
[edit] Description
The typical "modern libertarian" is an anti-government, beer-drinking, crack-smoking, gun-toting, bomb-making, orgy-participating, porn-loving, South Park-watching, "don't fuck with me" motherfucker who lives with his mom and hates the state. Cheap sex, various flavors of pot, and the latest and greatest style of handguns being available in every convenience store wouldn't concern a libertarian in the least. Libertarians are also known for opposing those evil commies, prudish Christians, and Ayrab types who seek to tyrannize the world with economic and personal repression based on dumb religious values and compassion paid for with other people's money. This includes, in the U.S.: the Democrats, Republicans and the Quakers, and in Canada: the Liberals, NDP, Greens, and Mounted Rangers
[edit] History
Libertarianism is believed to have started in early 1884 when founding fathers John Locke and Thomas Jefferson decided to spice up their liberal values in order to impress Ayn Rand with whom they both were in love. When Miss Rand chose to propose to L Ron Hubbard instead, the two gentlemen founded the libertarian principle Anything Goes, lost their marbles and tried to assassinate Mr. Hubbard, an attempt that failed when John Locke sneezed, being allergic to gun powder.
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[edit] Yet to be fixed
Libertarians oppose the Iraq War, the War of Drugs, the War on Poverty, the War on War, and most other wars because wars are when poor people die for the benefit of rich people. They support, however, the War on the State - which, they assure us, will be launched "any day now". Libertarians also fornicate with anarchists.
[edit] Political views
Contrary to popular belief, Libertarians don't support anything and are avid complainers. Mostly consisting of PO'ed Republicans, the party is often criticized by socialists/democrats/commies for support for the well-known evil capitalism and not putting in enough community service hours. Libertarians claim that capitalism is vilified wrongly, but no one listens. They scream and shout for full freedom to do as you will so long as it doesn't infringe on the ability for others to do as they please. This has prompted some badass positions such as the slogan "Your rights end where mine begin" and bringing back the "Don't tread on me" flag. In short, if you don't like capitalism and freedom, then move to China. Be happy in squalor.
Other less popular views:
- The freedom to practice any cult
- The freedom to masturbate on the Sabbath
- The freedom to masturbate to any freaky goat-related porn you can find.
- The freedom to star gay websites condemning homosexuality while masturbating
- For some reason, a lot to do with the freedom of masturbation.
- The freedom to not hire someone on the basis of his race, sexual orientation, religion, or smoking habit
[edit] The Libertarian Song
To honor the sacred Liberarian cause, industrial-metal pioneer Oscar Wilde and his partner in crime, the famous novelist Trent Reznor, wrote these immortal lyrics of protest, which have been set to a famously stirring melody.
When the Libertarians come to town
Everything will turn upside down
No one will wear a frown
when the Libertarians come to town
The government will shrink to naught
Your coffee will always be hot
And it will be the cheapest you've ever bought
when the Libertarians come to town
You won't have to pay income taxes
No need to worry about downsizers' axes
The best companies will send you faxes
when the Libertarians come to town
The invisible Hand of Nature will keep
every business exec and veep
on the straight and narrow, and we all will reap
peace and plenty when the Libertarians come to town
the free market will improve every school
Child geniuses will become the rule
our learning will make every nation drool
when the Libertarians come to town
When the Libertarians to Washington come
The streets will clear of vandal and bum
pimps and pushers will get to run
safe and legal businesses for everyone
when the Libertarians come to town
Send in the Libertarians...
Send in the Libertarians...
Won't someone, please, send in the Libertarians...
Sob.
[edit] How to spot a Libertarian?
A Libertarian can be one of two people. The type of republican you never see, named Fat-Cats, or the type of democrats you don't want to see, named Politically Active Hippies. All forty-nine party members are difficult to find. There are very specific instructions in order to catch one.
- You'll have to wait for the autumnal equinox, as Libertarians are known to fly south for the summer. Once the first leaves start to turn orange and fall from trees, they'll migrate back to their colder environments. Along this journey, the majestic Libertarian will find itself faced with all kinds of perils: Swimming upstream, crossing the street against the light, and the polar bear from Lost. These trials will quickly slough away the migratory layer of fat that the party member gained when it burst forth from its cocoon just prior to the equinox, requiring nourishment to maintain its million mile journey home.
- Supplies are as follows: A cardboard box, a plate, a wad of twenties, some pot, a stick, a length of rope, a square of cardboard, a sharpee pen, and a faux bush. Place the goods onto the plate, and prop the box up with the stick. With your sharpee, write on the square of cardboard "FREE MONEYZ + POT!!!!" and place it to the right of the box (your right, the box's left). Finally, set up the faux bush to the left of the box (your left, the box's right) and hide behind it with the rope securely tied to the stick.
- Now, wait. Eventually, a wandering Libertarian will poke its head out of its hole. Should the Libertarian see you, it will immediately grow to 50 times its size and... Shall we say the result will not be pretty? This is why you are hidden behind your bush! Lucky you! When the target scampers to the plate, quickly yank the stick and trap him or her in the box! Hurrah!
- But you're not finished yet, nossir. You merely have an Libertarian-in-a-box. The first thing you'll have to do is wait a little longer. Inside a box is not the natural habitat for the wild Libertarian. The domesticated breed is comfortable with this settings, certainly, but unless you're in The Czech Republic it will be impossible to find any calm and domesticated party members. This is why you've placed pot and cash in the box. S/he will use their natural ability to spit embers to ignite the twenties and smoke their new bounty. Hopefully this will calm the captured beast after a half hour or so.
- Signal your (somewhat) non-hostile intentions via interperative dance. Do not worry that the Libertarian cannot see you, he or she will "see" the vibrations caused by your dance and smell the pheromones you produce. This will place them in a receptive state, but receptive to what is another matter. Will must then recite the Warrior's Prayer to gain their favor.
"Gods of war I call You. My sword is by my side.
I seek a life of honor, free from all false pride.
I will crack the whip with a bold mighty hail.
Cover me with death if I should ever fail.
Glory, Majesty, Unity!
Hail! Hail! Hail!"
- Now you're ready. Gently lift the box and make a wish.
[edit] Libertarians and the Internet
It is a well-known fact that since most Libertarians are engineers and IT guys, they rule the internet. However, in real life, their unkempt appearance and breath that smells of stale coffee and halitosis means that they usually are not taken seriously.
[edit] Trivia
- Libertarians are noted for their opposition to government regulation and the income tax, their support for the decriminalization of "victimless crimes" (like drugs and prostitution), for burning books that disagree with Atlas Shrugged, and for their really, really good weed.
- Famous libertarians include Ted Nugent, Kurt Russell, Ron Paul, Bill Maher, Drew Carey, Clint Eastwood, Jack Daniels, the South Park kids, most major Drug Lords and your mother. (French gift Lady Liberty is no Libertarian; she likes all parties...).
- Some of the greatest and proudest American heroes were libertarians, such as Buffalo Bill and Colonel Custer.
- Libertarians are often thought of as Anarchists, but mostly they are viewed as prepubescent Republicans.
