Libertarian Party

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The writer of this article is an American Liberal and has a tree huggin', baby clubbin' outlook.

They may even work at the ACLU or, worse, be an unelected liberal activist judge. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this watch Fox News (Psst. He's probably also a communist; quick! Inform HUAC!)

The writer of this article is an American Conservative and has a bizarre nineteenth century outlook.

They may even work at Focus on the Family, be a hard-working farmer, or, worse, be an unelected conservative activist judge.
For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Kos.
(Psst. He's probably also a Nazi; quick! Play the race card!)

The Libertarian party platform is something of a departure from traditional yahoo crazy ideals, taking its political guidance from a literal interpretation of its name. The word "libertarian" comes from the nonsensical liber, or "freedomness," so Libertarians believe in total and absolute freedom for all people. "If elected, everyone will-" said 2004 Libertarian candidate Michael Badnarik, who then corrected himself, "I'm sorry, I misspoke there. If elected, I will make it so that everyone can do whatever the hell they want all the time, without concern for the laws of man, the laws of God, or the laws of physics. Rather than suffering the tyranny of government, they will have to face the tyranny of un-restricted corporations. Thats what freedom is all about." Many libertarians are anti-religion druggies who never want to be arrested.

[edit] Beliefs

The issues most central to the Libertarian voters include the following:

• The freedom to pay no taxes
• The freedom to, if one so wishes, pay lots and lots of taxes.
• The freedom to pay employees less than minimum wage.
• The freedom to kill the fucking employer that pays you less than minimum wages.
• The freedom to smoke pot.
• The freedom to pay for, sell and profit from sex.
• The freedom to only be able to get an education if one can afford it.
• The freedom to smoke pot.
• The freedom to have lots of kinky sex.
• The freedom to not have adequate, affordable healthcare.
• The freedom to do anything you want if you have enough money.
• The freedom to smoke pot.
• The freedom to be an indentured servant, if you don't have enough money.
• The freedom to smoke cigarettes.
• The freedom to fire employees who smoke cigarettes.
• The freedom to smoke pot.
• The freedom to deny housing to U.S. Citizens who are "darkies," "spics," or "Al-Quaidas".
• The freedom to walk in the nude.
• The freedom to cuss your full f*cking head off.
• The freedom to smoke pot.
• The freedom to pay a toll at every street corner.
• The freedom to huff kittens all day long.
• The freedom to discriminate in the hiring process, based on age, race, gender, sexual preference, or religion.
• The freedom to snort cocaine, a favorite activity among party members.
• The freedom to braid John Wayne's pubes on a poster and then nuke the bastard.
• The freedom to smoke pot.
• The freedom to eat small children cooked in bear grease every second Thursday. Naked.

Most libertarians also like smoking pot.

[edit] Socio-Economic Theory

Libertarians are typically religious, worshiping a deity referred to by some as "the invisible hand of the market." This "hand" is very powerful and said to fix all problems associated with a completely unregulated market system. Libertarians claim that laws like the Fair Housing Act and the 16th amendment tie the hands of the.....ummm...hand. Consequently, it is Civil Rights that are the sole cause of all poor economic performance, and would not happen under the benevolent guidance of the Invisible Hand.

[edit] Origins

The Libertarian Party originated through the friendship of three unique wastes of sperm: Angry Gun Survivalist, Conglomo the Corporate Teddy Bear, and Throat-Crushing Stockbroker (aka TCS).

Once upon a time, Gun Survivalist, Conglomo, and the Stockbroker were all sitting in the forest in the Cranberry River, making mud pies and having sex together as a group. Suddenly, the TCS had a marvelous idea.

"Hey gang, why are we being jackass democrats and sharing mud pies? Why don't we turn this river into a stock investment?" he asked innocently.

"He's right," Angry Gun Survivalist replied. "Sharing this river and the mud pies symbolizes that we've been manipulated by the Jew-Run Media. We're being brainwashed by invisible cancer rays inside these cranberries. The government doesn't want us to know about this."

"Fuck that," Conglomo replied. "The problem with this river is that it isn't made out of cheap plaster and concrete."

The three friends continued to argue, occasionally shooting at or maiming one another until submission. When they awoke the next morning with crack-induced hangovers, a party platform awaited them, written on a chewed out section of tree bark. The three friends read it over, shook hands, and introduced it to their drug dealers and tax-evading cronies as The Libertarian Party Platform.

After a year or two, the Cranberry River was turned into an economic opportunity (Starbucks), and people from all over the Forest/Desert began to enjoy the benefits of deforestation and under-minimum -wage salaries.

[edit] Party Events

Every year, members of the Libertarian Party converge in Boston Harbor, throwing endless supplies of government tax return forms into the Atlantic Ocean. The event is supposedly aimed at protesting the government's income tax laws.

Also, in every suburban neighborhood, members have been known to seller heroin out of the back of their SUVs in order to protest the United States government's War on Drugs.

Every patriots day they burn american flags to show there hate of America and of goverment.

[edit] Famous Libertarian Quotes

"Don't Tread on Me." ~Winston Pennypacker IV

"The founding fathers liked crack." - Harold Ivans III (what the hell, people? bullshit this is a quote.)

"People should be able to fuck whoever and whatever they want without the government telling them to stop." Some random libertarian

"Republicans want to be your daddy, telling you what to do and what not to do. Democrats want to be your mommy, tucking you in at night. Libertarians support the right to be a naked train-robber baron, with only private police departments allowed to stop them." - some dumbass lecturing on the "philosophy" of libertarianism

[edit] Rumor

It is rumored that Charlton Heston's teeth wrote much of the fucked up tree-bark platform, but evidence is inconclusive as the teeth haven't been seen since they left Heston's mouth back in '73.

[edit] Long Term Goals

• To ensure that no Libertarian ever gets elected, as bitching and breaking the law is more fun than actually changing the law.
• To legally dump logs of shit out the windows of office buildings.
• To end street crime by paying angry minimum wage workers even less money.
• To destroy america and all other goverments
• To smoke lots and lots of pot