Librarianism

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“. There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and Librarians.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Librarianism

Librarianism is a declining religion indigenous to the island nation of Lusitania. Mainstream Librarians believe in vague principles of universal order and strive to further the purposes of divine methods of organization handed down to them by their Elders and the metaphorical Floating Tome. Radical Librarians insist upon the physical existence of the Tome and maintaining an ethnically pure theocracy in Lusitania. There are many factions of Librarians, some who are content to only shoosh outsiders. The two main denominations of liberal Librarians loosely follow the teachings of the Tome, but are divided on issues of methodological organization.

[edit] Beginnings

Librarianism was founded by Hypatia Lee in 22 A.C. in Zog Ibbor, the capitol and chief holy city of Lusitania. Lee had attracted a small group of followers throughout her adult life, and she was well known for opposing the Mexican occupation of Lusitania. While browsing through the shelves of the local scriptorium as she was often wont to do, Lee was crushed by an unbalanced bookshelf within the sight of her followers. When they rushed to her side and heaved the bookshelf off their teacher, they proclaimed that she had died on the spot. After an extensive stay in a Lusitanian hospital, Lee was found to be alive. When she returned to her followers, they hailed her recovery as a miracle and immediately began claiming she had been resurrected. After humoring her disciples for some time, Lee descended into drug abuse and disappeared. She reappeared six years later, ranting about having received six visions of the Floating Tome. Lee's experience won her even more followers, but soon attracted the attention of Mexican occupational authorities. Lee was killed a week later by a drunken Luchador because she would not yield to his advances. The Mexican government would do nothing to punish the rogue luchador, and riots ensued. This event would become known to history as the Librarian Insurrection of 36 A.C.. Lee's followers were crushed by the Mexican army, but her spirit lived on.

[edit] Dead or Alive?

A peculiar rumor involves the actuality of Lee's death, owing to the fact that her followers claimed she had transformed into an index card and was sent to the great card catalog in the sky before Mexican officials could claim the body. Indeed, her earthly remains were never recovered. Scholars of the time wrote nothing about her death, and Mexican government records are notoriously poorly kept and known to be wildly inaccurate. Strangely enough, some Lusitanian newspapers listed Lee's cause of death as drowning. Other newspapers claimed she had fallen from a balcony into a passing wagon full of broken glass and scorpions. A small group of Librarians still insist that Lee is alive and living in disguise as a cocaine farmer in Paraguay.

[edit] Values and Beliefs

Librarians espouse a doctrine of strict organization, archival procedures, and the taking of a daily inventory. Librarian values have deeply impacted the United States of America, where phrases such as "silence is golden" and "shut up" are part of the everyday vernacular. Librarians are also collectivists who believe in a higher order of reality known as the card catalog. When one converts to Librarianism, one's name is written in the Floating Tome. Upon death, a person's soul is believed to be transformed into an index card which is filed in the cosmic card catalog. Librarianists believe that entry into the card catalog is essential for the preservation of the human soul, for if one's card is not present in the catalog, one may be purged on the dreaded Day of Inventory. However, most modern Librarians (with the exception of fundamentalists) regard this doctrine as purely mythological and strive to achieve a higher level of organization on Earth.

[edit] Rituals

Librarian rituals consist primarily of quiet time and weekly participation in the quiet game. Culture in the U.S. is saturated with Librarian customs. Quite appropriately, many Americans identify The U.S. as a Librarianist Nation.

[edit] Quiet Time

One of the many peculiar customs present in American culture is quiet time. Quiet time is, simply, a moment of silence in which Librarianists silently invoke the protection of the Floating Tome and attempt to contact the cosmic card catalog via ESP. When tragedy strikes, Americans typically engage in the curious practice of observing quiet time. Quiet Time is also held before high school football games, the dedication of memorials, and during funerals.

[edit] The Quiet Game

The quiet game, however, is a private event. Only members of the same congregation play the quiet game together. The quiet game is a test of one's faith and ability to maintain silence, especially in institutions of higher learning, libraries, and churches. The rules of the quiet game are assumed to be intricate and significant, as they are well-hidden from the general public and are therefore somehow important in the conspiracy.