Library
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 This article is a swarming mass of Vashta Nerada. To avoid any fatalities, we recommend you to count the shadows before editing this article. |
“In Soviet Russia, Library books read you!!!”
~ Soviet Russia on Library.
The library is a type of file-sharing network dating back to centuries before Christ. Files, or "books" as they are known to the initiated, can be freely uploaded ("lent") and downloaded ("borrowed") by anyone who has signed up to the network. The Publishing Industry Association of America, also known as the PIAA, has been fighting a long and drawn out legal battle with libraries since the early 1700's.
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[edit] History
[edit] The Library of Alexandria
The first known library was established by the Ancient Egyptians, Named the Library of Alexandria, they had an aggressive collection policy whereby Librarians would wander the streets of Alexandria, mugging anyone with a book or magazine. Books collected in this manner were then returned to the library and promptly stamped, Property of the Library of Alexandria, do not remove. From then on you had to have a card to check out all of the dangerous, 'books.'
The Library of Alexandria mysteriously burned down in the fourth century. While no one is certain who burned it down, modern scholars (otherwise known as British monkeys) think it was likely the work of drunken fat boys from america who were pissing at the large fines they had been levied for failing to return copies of Playboy magazine in a timely manner. Alexandria is famous for being both gay, yet homosexual.
[edit] European University Libraries
Between the 3rd and 16th centuries, most libraries were academic in nature. People who weren't students at the University weren't allowed access unless the performed certain 'favours' for the Librarians. Special back rooms in the library were used by the academic faculty for late-night games of Cosmic Wimpout and strip poker.
[edit] Free Libraries and the Enlightenment
After the 16th Century, Europe entered a flowering age where knowledge increased, and the fortunes of the common man changed always for the better. In keeping with this flurry of humanism, many cities began opening libraries to the public. Suddenly anyone could enter a library and read books on a variety of subjects, and even take them home.
[edit] Libraries today
Libraries today are often described as the living room of the community. Anyone is welcome to enter, regardless of illiteracy or rank odour. As a result, modern public libraries are colourful places that provide endless entertainment for the library-goer. Many teenagers are known to frequent libraries to access and pimp up their MySpace pages so they can more freely attract pedophiles. (Incidentally, said pedophiles tend to get busted by Chris Hansen of NBC, though Hansen claims to have never heard of a snozberry)
Libraries belonging to educational establisments also distort the space around them, creating L-Space
The modern library has become the preferred habitat of many gremlins, as advancing technology and expanded use offer many possibilities for mischief. Their most popular game is to take books, CD's, and DVD's off the shelf and reshelve them in random places around the library. A variant of this game is to remove the CD or DVD from the case and return the empty case to the shelf. If you have ever lost valuable minutes searching for something the computer catalog said was on the shelf but wasn't, you are the victim of a library gremlin. Be proud. Another favorite gremlin pastime is messing with the public computers. Causing 404 page not found errors, changing passwords, putting gum in the headphone jacks, leaving nasty posts on your MySpace page, making Bugs Bunny pop up in the middle of the screen, and making your game character die are great sources of gremlin hilarity. The piece de resistance is freezing the computer just when a hapless user is about to save their work or save changes to their MySpace page, and watching the user pound the computer to bits with a half-sized pencil meant for writing call numbers . This is especially fun if the librarians call the cops and the user is escorted out with their shirt pulled over their head. Other gremlin activities include, but are not limited to, stopping up toilets and flooding the restrooms, scattering sunflower seed shells and bird feathers on the floor, and pouring unknown liquids on chairs.
[edit] Programs
Melvil Dewey was unsuccessfully taken to court by the PIAA after designing a program to increase the efficiency of file sharing. The PIAA argued that though Dewey was not himself guilty of copyright infringement, had "authorized" Library users to illegally swap copyrighted material. Though Dewey escaped action, Dewey's system has been used with increased furtiveness ever since, with many libraries choosing to keep it hidden in unmarked folders.
[edit] The Library Police
According to novice author/monarch Stephen King, "If you don't return a book, they, well, umm, I can't think of a way to describe it."
[edit] Famous Librarians
Probably the most famous librarian is Conan the Librarian, who worked at the Library of Cimmeria in 1742. Conan made the broadsword a primary tool for librarians who were dealing with unruly patrons.
[edit] Vashta Nerada
Stay the fuck out of their library! Otherwise they will eat you alive and trap your brain in a neural relay asking over and over again who turned the lights off. Hey, who turned out the lights?
LOL TEH LIBRARYZ IS INSIDE UR MIND
Batgirl is also famous as a Librarian. She also had a minor career fighting crime.
