Lie

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“This statement is a lie.”

~ Captain Obvious on absolute truths

“The plain and simple truth is rarely plain and never simple.”

~ Oscar Wilde on lies

“In Soviet Russia, lie tells YOU!!”

~ Russian reversal on lie

Perhaps you were looking for Wikipedia? Or maybe some cake?

Telling the truth in a creative way. Usually done by pathological liars, liberal terrorists, and women. It is also known as the only way to get people to do what you want them to do.

Professional liars study with a Zen master for ten years to receive a Master of Business Administration degree. At the end of this period of study, they realize they can just tell people they've finished the degree without actually having done it.

1 The Science of Lies
2 List of the most blatant lies commonly spoken
3 Where you'll find it
4 See also

[edit] The Science of Lies

Lies have a life cycle: half-truth → tall tale → falsehood → porky → white lie → lie → dirty lie → damned lie → France → damned dirty lie → political manifesto → statistics. Statistics are in turn interpreted by pundits and the media to create new lies.

The advent of quantum physics has changed the modern perception of lie formation. Albert Einstein, in his landmark book Das Kapital, asserts:

"A lie is a statement based on a logical discrepancy, which draws energy from its surroundings with the relationship

where E is the energy, m*g is the weight of the lie, and q is the probability that you are not in a movie (q = 1 - probability you are in a movie). As this simple relationship shows, I totally just pulled all of that out of my arse. Or did I?"

However, commonly used basic measure unit describing amount of lies is Goebbels or Go.

The book also predicted the existence of a new type of lie, the paradox, which is used to confuse people in order to control them. An example of a paradox is:

"The following statement is true. The previous statement is false, and yo momma is a dirty ho."

[edit] List of the most blatant lies commonly spoken

I love you.

There will be cake.

You will be missed.

Nice meeting you! I’ll call you. (So, if you like me, why didn’t you give me your phone number at least?)

I'll call you (After sex, if number is taken)

That was the best, ever. (With or without number)

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but... (You really don't care)

Of course you're attractive, but I'm gay (Unless...)

I’m not talking to you! (Actually,you are)

I’m in a hurry. I’ve got to go to a meeting. (Fuck if I'm speaking to you)

Gotta go, there's someone on the other line. (Dialing... dialing... Maybe he/she'll check...)

Gotta go, I was just heading out/someone's at the door. (Now I'm running out the door)

Nice tie. (Looks like a cow shat on it)

Lovely dress. (My grandmother would have discarded it as outdated)

Of course I don't dye my hair. (I'm off to the hairstylers now)

I did not have sex with that woman. (she was excellent)

You’re mama’s little genius. (Retard)

Santa gave you this! (Just got back from Wall-Mart)

I’m sure that...

m just doing my homework ma! (when you're pwn1ng n00bs lyk th3rs no 2m0rr0wz)

Dear girl, I too faked my orgasm! (lest a lesbian is speaking).

I won't come in your mouth. (Open wide....)

I’m happy. (in 95% of cases)

My dear police officer...

Of course I didn’t marry you for your money! (Now what was your account number again, dear?)

I’ll be good! I Promise!

I don’t want to have sex with you... Just get undressed.

I love only you. (Hold your breath for 45 seconds and you’ll discover that you love air too!)

I belong to you. (Slavery was outlawed in 19th century)

Fine, thanks! (When asked "How do you do?")

This is perfect! (Nothing is perfect)

I won’t die. (All humans are mortal)

I'll die without you! (Ten seconds later, still standing)

She’s from another planet! (extra-terrestrial life hasn`t been found yet)

She is a goddess! (...and I'm a God, right?)

You killed me! (And you’re still talking?)

I’m a dead man! (See above)

There's a little bit of good in everybody.

I fucked your mom! (in 99.99% of cases)

I’m telling you the truth; I never lie!

Of course you don't look fat in that. (Like a pregnant elephant after a feast)

I gave you my heart!/You broke my heart! (Humans can’t survive without that organ)

Time stopped when... (No living soul accelerated to the speed of light so far)

You’re crazy! (Lest spoken by a professional psychiatrist)

You're nuts! (Unless told to a group of pistachios)

Sorry I’m late, I got stuck in an elevator. (A country schoolchild late for class)

The cheque's in the mail.

The dog ate my homework.

You're my best friend. (Just borrow me the...)

That baby's not mine. (Fuck! That's no mirror!)

The baby is yours. (Just ignore it's black...)

It won't be painful. (Muahahahaha!)

I love it up the ass. (Fuck off your never going near there)

Semen is great for your skin/hair/tonsils.

I've only had two beer. (As told to wife/boss/police. Usually safe to quintuple that.)

You look great in chartreuse. (As told to wife, alone)

I cheated with your sister just once. (As above)

She made the first move! (As above)

This fried octopus tastes great. (As above)

I love exotic dishes. (Quit while you're ahead, buddy)

I know what I'm doing.

I've never thought of doing it with another man.

Of course I'm not gay.

I'm not on drugs! (Always with emphasis)

The grass is greener...

What goes around comes around.

He is a loving God.

No, really. This is fine.

You can never get enough Old Spice/socks/underwear. (Usually at Christmas)

It's in my favourite colour, too!

As a rule...

Aw, size doesn't matter. (Here's a nickname: Microsoft)

I've seen smaller. (But I really gotta go now)

Money comes only to those who work hard and are honest. (Is a comment really necessary on this one?)

No. (In response to "Do you lie?")

Yes. (In response to "So she's just a coworker?")

It's beautiful. (Keep that away from my coffee table!)

[edit] Where you'll find it

Lying is commonly found in places such as:

The Stock Market
Parliament
Wrestling
UFC
The White House
In the minds of Celebrities
In bed with partner
The Entertainment industry
Fox News
CIA
NBA
NFL referees after a challenge call
MLB
Wikipedia
FBI
Osama Bin Laden
Ryan Seacrest
Your Mom
In all other mass media
Aperture Science
Most of all, You. Yes, You!!! Stand still, laddie!

[edit] See also

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