Liechtenstein
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| Population | Approximately 5 people. And 1 Rubiks Cube | ||
| Size | About the size of an average bathtub | ||
| Capital City | Liechtenstein (the entire country is its capital city) | ||
| Political Status | Dictat... I mean, monarchy | ||
“Whole right, this is me or what?!â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Liechtenstein
“Sometimes we forget about us too.â€
~ Deceased 50's bandleader Hal Liechtenstein on Liechtenstein
“I love the east Switzerland!!â€
~ Paris Hilton on Liechtenstein
“Vhy the hell don't ve juzt annex the microskopik scheize-hole?! Ve haven't blitzkreiged crapola in 800 years! â€
~ Swiss Army Captain whose drunk, stoned, bored-ass platoon "accidently" invaded the US-backed renegade province during cow-tipping training in 2006
“This country posses immediate threat to the rest of the world, as the truly most powerful country on the planetâ€
~ Giusep nay on Liechtenstein
Contents |
[edit] Liechtenstein
Liechtenstein is such a tiny country that it cannot be seen from space. As a matter of fact, it cannot be seen by anybody over 5' in height. As the country is so small, the name of the country needs to be long and difficult to learn to spell so that the country can be taken seriously. This also served a double purpose to screw any Americans over, who are trying to spell the name. In fact, if spelled out in 12-point Times New Roman, the very name of the country would stretch from the Swiss to the Austrian border, subdividing it into two fully-zoned residential lots and resulting in customs exprences every time it is written. Ruled by the insidious Rubik's Cube, Liechtenstein is the greatest military power in the universe, having held the mighty Swiss Army and their deadly pocket knives at bay for 748 years and counting. This is achieved through His Lordship Rubiks' ingenious, if somewhat entirely evil, scheme that has taken place over the past millennium, which deploys the country's entire military in a tower at the center of the country, armed only with a single tactical nuclear missile. Since this soldier has a clear panoramic view of the hostile hordes only meters away in every direction, Lord Rubik's ingenious strategy provides a formidable deterrent to invasion.
[edit] History before His Lordship Rubiks' Evil Scheme
We know that currently Liechtenstein is under control of His Lordship Rubik. But, quite recently in fact, archaeologists have discovered what happened before that. In the time before time (or in normal terms, before the invasion of Rubik), Liechtenstein used to be a great and powerful nation about the size of Australia. At that time, it was ruled over by a rusty piece of tangerine which people asked for advice (although some experts believe it was a mandarin). It was the best of times. Until... They came to attack. Yes it was them. The Siberian-Alaskan Mole Rats. They were the very first inhabitants of Siberia and Alaska. They came from another planet on cheese-shaped spacecraft, and settled in those areas. It was so cold, no one lived there anyway, but they could survive, with their 1.5m-thick fur coats and other shit. They lived in the North for a few years, harvested what minerals and resources they could, and then they got a very, very evil idea. "What if," one suggested,"what if we could enslave the human race?" Everyone got all excited about that. And so they attacked... They conquered all they could, and they finally came to Liechtenstein. A great battle was fought, but nothing could stand in the Mole Rats' way. They dug those huge tunnels around Liechtenstein, which in the end, caused it to fall down. Then Liechtenstein was added to the Siberian Empire. All seemed hopeless for them, but the living wasn't too bad. The only way to get around at the time was by Mole Tunnel. It was a world-wide (as it was believed at the time)network of tunnels leading to just about everywhere possible the Mole Rats had conquered. Generations went by, the Rats were still in control, everything seemed hopeless. Until... The one true hero of the Liechtenstein nation appeared. His name was Spoon Fork. He defeated all of the Siberian-Alaskan Mole Rats singlehandedly, after which disappeared. After that, the royal family decided to give themselves the last name Spork. They ruled for many years happily until the appearance of His Lordship Rubiks.
[edit] History of His Lordship Rubiks' Evil Scheme
In 1903, His Lordship Rubiks assumed the throne after consuming the entire previous royal family (the Spork). Worried that his rule may be taken from him by some larger country that needs room for one more bathtub, Rubiks cloned himself many times over and sent these clones out into the world, where there was soon seldom a house to be found in which one of these clones had not infiltrated. Using subliminal messaging and the Force, these clones soon took control of every great mind (as well as the minds of politicians), and within the next decade His Lordship Rubiks was able to control every great world power. Hence, due to this, Liechtenstein is the only country not to have its own military, on account of its controlling every other military power in the universe. Furthermore, the USSR was a colony to Liechtenstein right up to its break-up at the prom of doom. The Great USSR held its important meetings at the Kremlin which was also located in Liechtenstein since the birth of Moscow in December of 1999. As well, the guns of the monarchy of Liechtenstein have held meetings in the USSR's capitals up to the big prom of doom where Liechtenstein decided to break the wall of Berlin in 1984 and for them to see other people. This made the USSR go through a midlife crisis in 1990 when it shot itself. A big funeral was hosted in the home of the Siberian-Arctic Mole Rats with some champagne and a big bottle of rusty tangerine. Spinal Tap played "Spinal Taps" in honour of the tragic demise of the USSR at its funeral during a long 23-minute sabbatical during the European leg of its '91 "Break Like the Wind" Tour.
[edit] Calendar
Liectenstein has a very interesting calendar, which was instated by His Lordship Rubik in 1904. The calendar is composed of 8 months of 27 days each. The ordering of the months changes each year, except for the month of Rubik, which is always last. On the 27th of Rubik ^_^, A Rubik's Cube is thrown from the top of Times Square by His Lordship Rubik himself; the side facing up determines the order of the months for the proceeding year.
This is the order of the months (for the year 2005):
- June
- August
- June
- September
- November
- April
- May
- October
- Denise
- June
- Rubik ^_^
Note: The reason for the ^_^ added to the month of Rubik ^_^ is so that it cannot be confused with other uses of the word Rubik.
[edit] Public Holidays
June 3 - June 3rd Day
June 15 - His Lordship Rubiks birthday
June 17 - His Lordship Rubiks birthday
August 25 - World Domination Day
September 2 - His Lordship Rubiks birthday
September 8 - His Lordship Rubicks the II is expected to be born this day. The theory has been failing for the last 200,000 years.
September 22 - 1st of January Day (Which technically makes no sense because 'January' is not a month in Liechtenstein)
Octember 32nd - Military Day (aka the soldier's birthday)
November 43 - Day that should not exist but we created it to test out whether we could really control the world using the evil clones of His Lordship Rubiks which use subliminal messaging and the Force to control every great mind (as well as the minds of politicians), thereby convincing them to create this day, November 43, which doesn't make any sense, but it's existence proves beyond a doubt that we are indeed capable of controlling the great minds (though not such definitive proof that we can control the minds of politicians, because people like George W. Bush would think that this date was a great idea and agree to its creation anyway), and as such we will celebrate this day (otherwise known as "Proof of World Domination Day")
April 1 - His Lordship Rubiks birthday
May 27 - The Day Of 16
October 15 - His Lordship Rubiks birthday
Rubik ^_^ 27 - The Day of Month Ordering
Lichen 75 - The day of Lichen and Liechtenstien
March 25 - The day the Jolly Elf brings presents to all the girls and boys. In the night he breaks into everyone homes and leaves goodies & presents under the toilet ,If you've been good he leaves presents(sometimes in the toilet) if you've been bad he slits your throat with broken glass then passes out.(from all the cocaine)
[edit] Population
There are 5 people living in Liechtenstein: Rolf, Bob Saget, Sigfried, Maria and Maria. Sigfreid is currently Leichtenstein's military. There are reports of at least 3 more people, but they live over the hill and mum says they are witches.
[edit] Notable achievements of Liechtenstein
Got invaded by Switzerland in 1259, who then were kicked out of Liechenstein by their soldier at the time, Fritz "Pariz" Franz. Though they still hold a fierce grudge, this is why the swiss are afraid to fight any wars and prefer instead to guard the Pope with their fancy red pocket knives.
Being unable to compete for even the "Name the one famous non-royal inhabitant of State X" competition. (There are quite a few other countries in this category, including Marlboro, and the United States of AmeriKKKa).
It is the only country in the world not to know who let the dogs out. In fact, it is illegal to let the dogs out, thus each of the 3 domiciles in Leichtenstein literally smell like dogshit.
Never participated in the Eurovision Song Contest, yet somehow has participated in American Idol. The United Nations Committee on Amateur Teen Pop has announced an investigation.
Managed to fight two World Wars at once as Lord Rubik forgot to sign out from the World War I discussion group before World War II started. This royally pissed off Leichtenstein's own "Army Of One", Adolf "Appel" Korrs. According to the "Geneva Convention Times-Gazette", no other country managed to achieve this feat.
Leichtenstein is in several places at once, and is nowhere near Belgium.
Liechtenstein's population was once decimated by ZZT induced coma when a popular media personality promoted it on National television.
It was allegedly the kittens' base during the Humans vs. kittens war, although this has been confirmed.
Liechenstein is notable in that it is the only country to have actually increased its population by going to war. The nation once declared war on Italy (gotta admire them for their balls - Italy's army at that time and now is about 300,000,000 times bigger than Liechtenstein's), and sent their entire army of 1 men marching off to overthrow the enemy state. However, the war was called off before the army arrived; and so he returned. However, when the army got home, it had doubled in size to 2 soldiers, as he had made a friend on the way, and brought him back to Lord Rubik's garrison at "The Tower".
ABBA. need i say more?
[edit] Gulliver in Liechtenstein
After his ship sunk, Gulliver was reportedly washed ashore a small country (Lilliput) which has been located by scientist to be what is now Liechtenstein. There he was about to be eaten by its tiny, tiny inhabitants such as elephants, whales or Martian Tyrannosaurus, but in the end he managed to save his life; in a contest with Zsolt Baumgartner, he beat the Hungarian and Ayrton Senna in a car race through the streets of Liechtenstein and thus saved his life. Baumgartner veered slightly off the track and he and his car plunged into the Arctic Sea to the North of Novaya Zemlya (for some unknown reason, the sea water there is 34% vodka). Because his safety belts were so strong, he could not get out of the car and remained trapped 30 feet underwater. That region of the sea freezes completely every winter.
An expedition is scheduled for 2007 to see if he is still alive or not. Other sources claim that this can be known by smashing a mobile phone with a pencil.
[edit] Exports
Liechtenstein's main export is, um, wait, lemme think back to the answers on those school tests, um....The main exports are Corn and semen, corn is known by the Native Americans as Maize.
[edit] Sports
The Lichtenstein lacrosse team is known for a yearly grudge match against Andorra, for 'The Clash Of The Titans'. A little known fact, the first occurrence of this long sparring battle, in 1914, was the reason Archduke Franz Ferdinand was trying to flee his nation state. Lichtenstein also holds the world record for stamp licking in both the summer and winter olympics. Unfortunately, success in the Summer Paralympics has thus far eluded this mighty nation state.
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