Life

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“Life is always when you are not dead”

~ Captain Obvious

“Life, Don't talk to me about life”

~ Marvin the Paranoid Android on life

“Life: A sexally transmitted, terminal disease that you inherit from your parents”

~ Oscar Wilde on Life

“Life'll kill ya, Then you'll be dead”

~ Warren Zevon on life

“Life like Gundam ZZ, Anime Ja Nai”

~ Oscar Wilde on life

“Life ... is 42”

~ Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy on life

“Life.....is a prostitute,It fucks you and you need to pay for it too”

~ Amrith Raj "

“Life....Get a life!! ”

~ Akhilesh"

“Thats life! ”

~ Calvin on getting ripped off"

“Stop the ride, I wanna get off!”

~ {{{2}}}

“Oh no not again!”

~ A bowl of petunias on life

......sorry.

Life (AKA 42) is an infamously unpopular sexually transmitted disease that occurs mainly between the events of birth (Or, as many pinko rightie subversives claim, conception, or as most near-psycotic feminists claim, as soon as the kid is old enough to bring home a paycheck) and death (AKA leaving the baby in the dumpster.) It is the only known STD with a 100% fatality rate.

Discovered by René Descartes, the statement "Cogito, ergo sum," which translates roughly to "I suck, therefore I exist," best sums up the characteristics of the disease. The symptoms of life include breathing, eating, sleeping, and peeing. Life can lead to other diseases such as happiness, calmness or tranquility, diseases that all have their own separate symptoms.

Life has been the subject of philosophers, scientists, muses, artists, and John Conway for zillions of years. Every major culture has attempted to unravel the mysteries of life, and they've all sucked at it. A lot of sicentists today are quiet sure that life is ruled by cats, but no one got any kind of evidence to proff it.

Fortunately, nobody really cares.

Life is also the name of a species of mosquito, leading to the famous and oft-quoted exclamation "Life sucks!"

The amount of lives you have left is usually indicated by either a row of hearts or of small pictures of your face at the top of your screen.

Contents 1 The Tragic End 2 the narf is in the water so the grass dog cannot get it 3 How to get one 4 Beginnings 5 Procedures 5.1 Eat 5.2 Sleep 5.3 Have sex 5.4 Repeat as necessary 5.5 Die 6 The Meaning of Life 7 Conclusion 8 Recent Discoveries 9 Mathematical Model on Life 10 See also

[edit] The Tragic End

Ah yes, life, the pinnacle of creation, and yet sadly I've killed her...like the Great Alice Cooper once said...Only Women bleed...you see. I killed life in a most extravagant way...a parallel universe, a war with Lincoln by my side, and a jar of stagnant water. Well it all started when The Great White Buffalo of Mycron 4 decided to create a device, an incomprehensibly large one. This device controlled the actions of Steven Hawking. Who was, at that time, in a dormant phase in the core of the earth two old ladies were discussing a recent visit to a new restaurant. The first one says to the second, "The food there was terrible! Simply awful!" The second replies, "I know! And such small portions!" This, then, is the definition of the condition called "Life". - Woody Allen

"Why do you think I left?"-some famous dead guy
     "Humans believe that whether you are a glass-half-empty person or glass-half-full person
     the meaning of life is different.  Life is the act of living, or life is the act of not being 
     dead.  Both these are wrong, life is the act of not being un-dead." -God's treatise on life

Life is a bitch...
            - Street dog commenting on life.
And a bitch is a life 
            - Street dog commenting on a bitch .

Some philosophers have defined life as "an FPS with worse graphics".

And finally the second smartest computer in the universe defines life as "42."

[edit] the narf is in the water so the grass dog cannot get it

While nobody knows for sure the "when" of the origin of life, the "where" is known to be Christchurch, New Zealand. The origin of life was a complex affair, and little more than the basics are known. It is believed that God created life in response to a wager that self-contained organisms could not achieve independent intelligence. It is still unknown who won the bet.

Another less popular theory states that life was the result of a rare chemical reaction of the song Lithium by nirvana and herman(Li) from dragon force and Iron maiden (Fe). Efforts to verify that theory that dexter's laboratory have so far only led to Death, which is generally considered to be the opposite of life and ooo what does this button dooo?

[edit] How to get one

First, throw away all of your video game consoles. Then, get people to be your Friends, obtain a friend of the opposite sex, call this your Girlfriend(if you're a boy), or a Boyfriend(if you're a girl). Do not spend all day on your computer like a Nerd. Like the writer of this article... And reader, you nerd...

WARNING: HEAVY USAGE OF LIFE WILL RESULT IN DEATH.

[edit] Beginnings

The beginning of life is subject to much debate. Different groups state that life begins at birth, at conception(or at the end of contraception), at any poo between the two cheeks, and when the kids move out. It is generally agreed upon, however, that life usually originates in some capacity as a result of either necromancy or sex. The latter method is somewhat more popular. Combining the two is generally frowned upon in polite society. Excepting zombies, nobody can remember the beginning of their own life. This can only lead to the conclusion that birth is an illusion, and that we are all trapped in a false reality from which only the Enlightened, and zombies, can escape.

[edit] Procedures

While life happens across a wide variety of plant and animal specimens, the basic process of life can be broken down into a series of steps common to all:

[edit] Eat

Food and water are required for the sustenance of life. Ironically, much of the world's food is derived from the death of something else. Eating can be done in a variety of ways: absorbing sunlight, gathering nutrients from liquids, consuming the pulpy bits of other lifeforms, and sucking the sweet sweet blood of your overworld cousins are just a few of the more common methods. Some cultures even indulge in consuming the undeveloped fetuses (or feti) of smaller animals, such as chickens, ostriches (or ostrigi), or fish. White people are commonly known to consume the reproductive fluids of a cow. Sometimes of a goat. They call this process "drinking milk", but it is really a communist plot to overthrow the Bulgarian government.

• A requisite by-product of eating is waste removal, which is known in the animal kingdom as "pooping." What goes in must come out.

[edit] Sleep

Sleep is also required for life to continue. But try not to do it too much, because when you sleep you may get eaten by clinjas.

[edit] Have sex

The most necessary thing for the sustenance of life, and for the creation of the next generation of lifeforms and, if you're a minor celebrity with a camera, for publicity, oh and don't get pushed around by killer pianos.

Also a footnote, sex is acheivable by inserting a finger into or around your sexual organ and then stimulating it with good vibrations. On this subject of masturbation/wanking/jizzing off/slapping the walrus/rubbing the big dirty fish squirter/burping the worm/spanking the monkey/strangling the chicken, or simply beating you meat (men only) Oscar "oh so" Wilde said:

“I dont have one to use.”

~ Oscar Wilde

[edit] Repeat as necessary

Do the above three steps over and over again(especially the sex if you're a celebrity), ad frickin' infinitum.

[edit] Die

This is currently a myth since the scientific community hasn't yet accepted this stage for the lack of evidence. Not exactly a part of life, but the conclusion of it.

Death can happen in any of a million ways. You could get shot, eaten, run over, blown up, torn up, burned, stabbed,attacked by a pack of stray dogs, drowned, severely teabagged, poisoned or slaughtered (some intellectuals speculate uncontrolled spontaneous laughter, known scientifically as fatal hilarity, can also result in a rather pleasant death). Since dying is the end of life, many people believe it's important to make a big show of it and try to die through dangerous activities like skydiving, fishing, and talking loudly in libraries.

[edit] The Meaning of Life

The answer to the meaning of life, the universe and everything, is 42, as stated by that background guy from that movie that people always talk about (AKA God). An alternitive answer has recently been found by the scientics which is 69, yet this has only been tested on lab rats, so it is not considered safe for a 'normal' person to test it at home*. Buddha has also been noted to have found the answer to life but no one cares so it still remains unknown.

• home as in the place where one lives, if two or more live there, then it doesn't count.

[edit] Conclusion

As all life begins, so it must end. Or not. Wait, a second...yes. Uhh...no. Whatever. One can die, or be turned into an undead dude, or perhaps ascend into the pantheon and "live" forever. As with the beginning, the end of life is an oft-debated topic despite being useless to anyone alive. If you've ever wondered what happens after life ends, don't worry about it too much. You'll find out in about five minutes (this is what is known as a deadline).

[edit] Recent Discoveries

According to scientist Waltraud Friedrich Johnson Smallcock Megot, he has proved that everyone will die sooner or later. He has also pointed out into the sky that aging can produce a slow Death depending on how fast you age. The faster the aging the faster the slowness of Death. But the slower the slowness the faster the aging process of slowing Death. On the other Hand, the communist one, slow Death may also appear to be quite fast, if you look fast enough to not notice the slow signs of slow Death if under the influence of fast aging. Smallcock Megot also points out into the sky, this time into another direction, that too much life will cause Death eventually, and viceversa...

[edit] Mathematical Model on Life

This Guy has proposed a mathematical model on life, where x is the age. He has admitted to having engaged in kitten huffing moments prior to devising this formula, but continues to stand by it.

Extended analysis of this equation will cause mathematicians to spontaneously asplode

[edit] See also

• The Game Of Life
• The Universe
• Everything
• Hit Points
• Birth
• Death
• Pain
• Dead
• Undead
• Sex
• Meaning of life
• Being dead
• H²G²
• Life's Unanswerable Questions

Actions of life and death
Start | Be born | Sleep | Play | Study | Sleep | Play | Kill | Live | Go to jail | Escape | Travel | Go to the cemetery | Die | End