Lifetime limited warranty
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The lifetime limited warranty is a manufacturer's guarantee that a product will be replaced at no charge if found defective. Companies are required by law to distribute lifetime limited warranties with their products; although, many companies attempt to dodge the distribution of warranties through a process now known as "Warranty Evasion," which is one of the few criminal acts that can be punished with the death penalty.
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[edit] Evolution
Lifetime limited warranties have been legally mandated by the United States federal government ever since Thomas Edison first turned the lights on at Independence Hall and discovered that the Liberty Bell had a crack in it. The evolution of the lifetime limited warranty has further been shaped by the following Congressional acts and Supreme Court cases:
Legislation
- Broken Stamp Act of 1917
- Broken Gavel Act of 1923
- Broken Arrow, Oklahoma Act of 1954
- Broken Heart Act of 1971
- Broken Limb Act of 1988
Supreme Court Cases
- State of New York v. Titanic
- Titanic v. Samual Morse
- James Bond v. Q
- Hell v. Kingsford Charcoal Co.
- Smith v. Microsoft
- Samuels v. Microsoft
- Bradley v. Microsoft
- Foster v. Microsoft
- Macintosh v. Microsoft
- Sony v. Microsoft
- Bill Gates v. Microsoft
- Dell v. Microsoft
- Microsoft v. Dell
- Everybody v. Hyundai
[edit] Limits
Many debates have been held regarding the true meaning of the lifetime limited warranty. Legally, the federal government has defined the lifetime limited warranty as guaranteed for the life of the owner as long as certain broad conditions are met. Following is a list of these conditions:
- Item must not be damaged on a Thursday.
- Item must not be damaged on an odd-numbered day.
- Item must not be damaged in an even-numbered year.
- Item must not be forced open.
- Item must not be touched.
- Item must not be thrown out of a window.
- Item must not be covered in dust.
- Item must not be given to a penguin.
- Item must not require some assembly.
- Item must not include batteries.
- Item must not have a Dummies book named after it.
- Item must not have been purchased within thirty miles of owner's home.
[edit] Lifetime
In addition to the limits of the warranty, the meaning of "lifetime" has also been under investigation. Professors, scholars, and construction workers have surmised that "lifetime" can be best defined as a consistent period of excellent health, meaning that an owner's warranty lifetime will have come to an end if the owner is dead, has malaria, has a headache, has a nosebleed, has a sniffle, or otherwise experiences physical complications that impedes 110% performance of the human body.
Reportedly, the only being that has been able to use a limited lifetime warranty in the past thirty years has been Dick Clark, being that he's been alive and in peak condition for over four thousand years. Clark had apparently tried to return a Microsoft product after the software caused his computer to internally combust.
Some manufacturers are defining "lifetime" as the lifetime of the product - if the product breaks, its lifetime is over and the warranty ends. Others are using the opportunity to manufacture televisions guaranteed to be capable only of receiving the Lifetime Channel - a defect for which 11 billion Fortec Lifetime satellite receivers were recalled in 2030.
[edit] How To Claim Your Warranty
Should you find yourself in a position to return a defective product that legally falls under the guidelines of the lifetime limited warranty, you must send a number of items to the manufacturer of the defective item in order to claim your warranty:
- The defective item
- A receipt of purchase
- A cover letter stating why you are extremely sorry about inconveniencing the company
- A copy of your driver's license and Social Security card
- A sample of your favorite brand of laundry detergent
- Seven boxtops from a cereal brand of your choice
- Three references from neighbors
- Cash
- Lots of cash
