Lightsaber
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- You may be looking for Lightsabre and not even know it!
“So that's what you kids are calling them these days...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lightsabers
“So that's what really gave me my scar...”
~ Harry Potter on Lightsaber
“If your eyedoctor uses lightsabers for LASIK Surgery, don't pay him!!!!”
~ The guy who lost his face to LASIK Surgery.
The lightsaber (not to be confused with a heavysaber), whilst using the most powerful special effects known to man, is not really a saber. It's just some fluorescent bulb with blue, green, and red lights and sometimes even purple or pink or fuschia or beige. Never seen one with rainbow colors.
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[edit] Duels
“When I got stabbed by one of those I was found in 12 different bins. Oh what a day that was!”
~ Lord Byron on Lightsaber duelling
“ Ooo Padme stick that lightsabre in my arse!”
Duels are attempts to cause breakages, in which such breakages are effected by means of destroying the opponent's magnetic field generator, a.k.a. the brain. Even without these dark aligned fiends, the sport is dangerous as the broken fluorescent tube often results in dismembered arms and even legs following even the best of intentions.
When the members of the LISASIG, or LIghtSaber Special Interest Group last convened, their top priority was increasing the longevity of the duel. Prior to the convention, such duels were commonly over in one strike, usually resulting in a draw. At the convention however, Darth Regenerate, the inventor of the self-healing cutting mat announced his new plan for increasing the strength of the lightsaber without adding to its weight.
[edit] The Technology
As mentioned previously, the lightsaber is made up of three crucial technologies.
- Fluorescent Light
- Magnetic Induction
- Self-Healing Cutting Mat (a.k.a. anti-emo device)
[edit] The Fluorescent Light
The first of these technologies, the fluorescent light, was also the original and sole component of the lightsaber. Removed from its proper place in the ceiling of a cube farm along with the powering wires, many dull office days were made liveable, although several law suits resulted from the electrocution of employees, under the assumption that the light must have fallen from its fixture. The electrical contractor "responsible" was fired, left destitute and unable to support his family of 16, and promptly went crazy and shot himself. His body was found with a lottery ticket in his pocket with the winning numbers for that night's lottery draw.
Those who did not die from electrocution inevitably lost limbs and/or died of blood loss. Those who survived accidental amputation often underwent forced amputation as it was easier to amputate the limb than to remove every single glass shard from the limb.
In an attempt to make finding and removing glass shards easier, the ILSDR, or Institution of LightSaber Duelling Regulation introduced mandatory colouring of lightsabers by adding powdered anodised aluminium. However, colouring the particles red meant they were the same colour as blood and hence even harder to find. It is for this reason that those who have succumbed to the dark side often favour red lightsabers.
[edit] Magnetic Induction
The second technology to be introduced to the sport was intended to make the lightsaber easier to wield, and less dangerous. Instead of electricity, it was discovered that with practice, people could use magnetic induction from their brains to power the fluorescent light. This removed the need for wires to provide power, resulting in a lightsaber that was easier to wield and had the added advantage of not electrocuting every second opponent. This was received with great praise from the light side, but mixed reactions from the dark side.
[edit] The Self-Healing Cutting Mat
The third, and thus far final technology to grace the sport of lightsaber duelling is an adaptation of the self-healing cutting mat. In an effort to decrease the capital expenditure on fluorescent lights each year, SUN Microsystems introduced the self-healing technology invented by Darth Regenerate. This at first had the intended effect of reducing the number of breakages, and hence replacements of the lights, but unfortunately they became prime targets for theft. However, releasing the construction code for the new technology in the lightsaber soon meant that everybody could make and improve the modified tool.
A second result of the self-healing cutting mat technology was that far fewer people died of poisonous glass shards, and far fewer people had to have limbs amputated because of glass shards. Unfortunately this was balanced out by the increase in outright amputations by light sabers that would emerge completely unharmed after slicing off a limb or seventeen.
[edit] Famous Lightsaber Duels
There have been many famous lightsaber duels in history, with the obvious ones of Darth Gates versus General Torvalds, Darth Vader versus Jerry Springer, Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah Winfrey, Steve Ballmer versus Google, and the ongoing Darth Regenerate versus Captain Regrowth, but perhaps the most notable of these duels was that of Sir Oscar Wilde versus Darth Dickens, Darth Bronte and Darth Austen. Wilde, when seemingly all was lost, suddenly grew a third arm and was able to pull a third fluorescent tube from a ceiling fixture of Canterbury House, and eventually won. Unfortunately, Charlo^H^H^H^H^H^HDarth Bronte managed to slice off Wilde's new third arm. Oscar was bitterly disappointed at this, as he believed he was the first person to ever have more than the average number of arms. However, as he lay dying having lost the will to live, Helen Keller kindly informed him that in order to have more than the average number of arms one only had to have the modal number of arms, i.e. 2. This is because with only one person in history to have more than 2 arms (Oscar Wilde himself), and many more having less than two arms, the average number of arms was actually slightly less than 2. Wilde then realized that he hadn't actually lost any honour because he never had it in the first place, was consoled and placated and went on with his life happily.
It has been rumoured that E.T. is looking for a duel with Helen Keller. Helen, when confronted with said i will kill E.T. the next time he rears his ugly face on my planet
The most famous duel took place in 1997 when Homer Simpson successfully killed Darth spongebob with R2-D2 and C-3PO watching this duel take place.
Another well-known duel was between Michael Jackson and Mark Foley. They used an interesting variant on the lightsaber, using an organic type also know as the penis during the Gay movie Bloodrayne
yet another well knoiwn duel was between george bush and darth cheney when cheney wanted the white house keys
but bbush refused to give them to him so cheney attacked bushand although bush won he never messes with mr cheney this happened in 6785
The famous duel between Jesus, Helen Keller, Mario, and Ron Jeremy can be seen on Youtube just like everything else.
[edit] The Future of Lightsabers
Recently proposed additions to the lightsaber are rumoured to involve multiple fluorescent lights in series, petrol, lasers, sharks, satellites, dildos and all manner of household appliances.
Recently proposed rule changes have also alluded to allowing other props to be used in the duels, presumably to distract the opponent, or even break his lightsaber outright. However, in a recent ruling, black lights are forbidden because of the potentially harmful radiation. Also, any lightsaber over 650 watts is also forbidden.
Modern day Dark Duellists have investigated the effect if introducing resistant metal shards into the magnetic induction field, thereby producing the effect of a giant sparkler. However many believe the age old sparkling heavysaber is far more effective, being a less complicated version, but in fact far far heavier.
[edit] See Also
- Lightsabre - UK & Canadian models
- lightsaber training - become a master
- Laser Katana - Japanese model popular in the 18th century
Uses on the Lightsaber
Created in a galaxy far far away, lightsabers have had many uses over the years in which they have developed.
They make great centerpieces at Weddings and/or birthdays
They were first invented by a physicist by the name of Al Gore, they were developed into a way of lighting ovens in the 1600s but caused the great fire of london, consequently this incinerated many rats carrying the plaige but also it formed a new mutant desease, AIDS.
The next uses of lightsabers were neon lights, this was an immediate success in the urban world until it was made illegal in 1996 after the million man crash caused by and epileptic fit that was experienced by Tupac when driving. One million men died in that crash, also sixty billion sheep.
The most modern and popular use of lightsabers was voted upon whilst in the 2006 election in britain, it stated the the third most popular use was for breaking into bank vaults with (4%), the second most popuar was for the original intent of dueling (6%), but the most common use of light sabers today is obviously as a dildo (9%) YOU DONT EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT I HEARD LIGHT SABERS CAN DO.....YO MOM
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Categories: Star Wars | Science Fiction | Movies | Weapons | Sporks
