Link (Legend of Zelda)
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“He's that little boy wearing green clothes that is repeatedly trying to save the princess Zelda .”
~ Captain Obvious on Link
“If only I was 12 years younger and shaved clean.....”
~ Scott Peterson on Link
“......”
~ Link on any conversation
“HYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!CEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
~ Link on getting kicked in the balls
“i think he's saying he got kicked really hard in the balls so now he can only make that high pitched squealy noise”
~ ike on on what link said above
“I love link. I wish he'd save me... if ya know what I mean”
~ Rebecca on Link
“ If I could cock slap him I would. Who would he tell?”
~ Halsoft on Link
Link is a Canadian fairy boy and is considered a dangerous criminal. His hobbies inculd slashing innocent people with a sword, pillaging, the raiding of sacred temples and, in general, trying to piss people off. Aside from his 15 varieties of swords, he is known to carry dangerous weapons such as bows and arrows, feathers, spring-loaded grappling hooks, shoes made of solid iron, very large leaves, bombs, Super Nintendo cartridges, and large strap ons. He is said to be the leader of the well known terrorist organization, the '"Triforce Bombers". His crimes include entering people's houses, uninvited, and taking money, pieces of heart and other valuables, breaking expensive vases, cutting lawns without permission, constantly asking people for "masks", impersonating Goron leaders and Zora rock stars, killing innocent monsters and ripping their hearts out of their chests so he can eat the heart and "replenish" his wounds destroying the Death Star, petty theft, and public indecency. If you see Link, try to slowly walk away to your apparent appointment at the Dentist. On the second day at 7:00 PM. Link will Z-target (sometimes even known to L-target) you for hints on his next move. He has been known to wear several tunics of different colors which include, but are not limited to, red, green, blue, purple, and even the fashionable bright teal (depending on how shitty your TV is) and pimps shrine-maidens far and wide.
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Link, born Camerican decent was raised in the Coke-Eerie Forest, the only child of the Great Dick-u Tree. His father, a giant tree whose nuts bear the same properties as viagra, was somehow father to a whole host of forest children who could never grow up. The Great Dick-u Tree raised these children for Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch, deep in the Lost Woods. As a result, all of them were tagged with flying fairies that ensured they didn't escape the Forest. All, that is, except Link. He doesnt need a fairy. Everyone still knows he's gay.
The other children constantly ostracized Link for his lack of a fairy and for his inability to speak. Link's greatest bully, however, was Mido, that son of a bitch from the Nintendo 64 era. Noobs who can't play Zelda should remember him quite well, Mido was that asshole that wouldn't let you see the Deku tree, rendering the game a complete piece of shit. There is new evidence that Mido was jealous of Link because Saria would refuse to sleep with Mido, due to his wretched stench. However the fact was so that he could not because he "had" to protect the Deku Tree. Link, however, was far more preferable for a "night out". Since Mido was unable to get lucky, he started a smear campaign against Link, getting all the other Kokiri retards to hate him. Except for Saria, of course. And we all know why. Seriously should I draw a picture?
Despite this handicap of being unable to speak, Link learned how to communicate with people from Lassie[1] (or maybe Rin Tin Tin). Later on in his life, some poor lass took pity on him and taught him how to Z-Target, then to show her love, gave him a patato ocarina, which he drops to go diving for a better one, breaking her diamond solid heart.
When Link was around ten or maybe eleven, the Great Dick-u Tree fell ill with a curse. To this day, we are unsure whether it was Hepatitis C, AIDS or World of Warcraft Addiction. and yet this is probaly because the deku tree makes Kokari girls touch his deku nuts. Which is the olny way trees have sex, that's why your mom said dont climb the trees. Your a dumb shit.
Anyway, Link stole a shitty sword (the childrens olny protection) and bought a single use wooden shield, that burned when in slight heat. He then went deep into his father to play doctor. Unfortunately, his lit torch ignited a pocket of methane from within the tree and managed to burn it from the inside out. Link was unfortunate enough to receive 2nd degree burns to his legs(that is why he wears tights and high boots)[2].
[edit] Career
After killing his father, Link stole his dad's family jewel (yes, he only had the one) and went on a journey to Liverpool Castle Town. On his way to leaving an ugly ass whore gave him an ocarina/patato, that bitch, whose name was Saria, had stolen it from Link which is why he latter left it to get the cooler platinum "Ocarina of Time". Anyway, he traveled to Liverpool Castle Town and killed an innocent Stalchild on the way, claiming it was in self-defence. No one believed him, but then again, no one found out either. That's right, no one found out, so the previous statement doesn't exist. Just forget about it. And if you value your life you'll never mention it to any one. Ever.
At Liverpool Castle Town, Link got a job as a Happy Mask Salesman. He sold masks for a creepy guy that might have been a transvestite, who was also selling Great Dick Nuts on the sly. With the source of Great Dick Nuts gone, these sales made both the Happy Mask Salesman and Link rich. Of course it's a little known fact that the salesman didn't become the happy mask salesman until after Link joined his troupe. After a little while of working for the salesman he realized that their was still a retarted chicken egg in his pocket that he couldn't use. Oh, Sorry I was sapposed tah put a spoiler alert. Soon after making billions Link became obsessed with money and could be found walking into people's houses, smashing their pots and taking their hard earned cash for himself. The funny thing is, nobody ever said anything to him about it... or hid their cash better, so I guess they deserved it. Cheap Bastards.
Also In this time, unknown by most, link had to sell himself out to other Nintendo charecters because his lawn cutting wasn't going so well, he has been seen entering hotels with a certain Italian Plummer, by the name of Mario. However the agent watching the room, fell out of a tree, and has been considered crazed since.
Whilst selling a chicken back to the guy he bought it from, Link decided to steal into the Castle to sell his wares. He came across Princess Zelda. She was impressed with his dad's family jewel and asked him to steal two more to fund her Triforce addiction. She had agreed to split part of the drug with them but she was just a slut and had been lying from the start.
[edit] Criminal Years
For no reason whatsoever, Link began slaying monsters. Sometimes, he would eat their hearts in a Satanic ritual to heal his wounds; he would use the bigger hearts of larger monsters in a Dark Ritual to gain strength.
A year after, Link somehow managed to get the Boring Ruby from a Leader of the rock-eating miscreants known as Morons. At the time, the Moron Leader, Darunia, was suffering from a spot of depression. No one knows what transaction Link did, but Morons all over Moron City could hear Darunia's cries. A local Moron at the time stated...
“Well, it was soon after that fairy boy visited Big Brother's room. He cried out so loudly, Morons on the other side of the city could hear him. It was something along the lines of, "Oh! Oh-oh! C'mon! Come on! Come on! Come on! HOT!!! What a hot beat!"[3] Well, I think he said beat anyway. Anyway, soon after, the blond fairy boy leaves wobbly legged and Big Brother comes out with a big smile on his face. Said he'd been dancing. Pfft... yeah, right.”
~ Some Random Moron on Link and Darunia
It was also at this time that Link started visiting the Great Fairy Fountain franchise of strip clubs. Quite what he does there is a mystery, wink wink nugdge nudge. It is noted that he rarely visited these clubs when they started using four-armed banshees. He gained a taste for faries at this time and is often seen with faries in bottles that scream for help.
In the year... uh... I don't quite know, whatever year it was, Link tricked some fish into marrying him and stole her engagement stone, and told her that if he ever saw her again he'd cock slap her with a lawsuit. He took the three gems he'd acquired to go buy Princess Zelda some Triforce, only for Ganondorf to beat him to it. Then he went into a coma for seven years, whilst some old perverted guy pierced Link's ears, stripped him naked and played dress up. We're sure that he molested Link too, but the old fart would'nt admit it, who was there when Link came out of his coma, and convinced him to steal more shit.
“I said "Well your finally awake, I was just gonna get some more lubricant for my grandmum."”
~ Old Fart on Link waking up
[edit] Teenage Years
Seven years after the Great Ganondorf overthrew the incompetent King of Hyrule and managed to make Hyrule Field a safer place to live in, Link came out of his coma. A strict anti-Semitic Aryan supremacist, Link was shocked to find that Ganondorf, a Jew, was in charge of Hyrule after overthrowing the Aryan Royal Family. Link, being a direct discendant of Hitler, upon hearing this felt his his blood boil and he started a terrorist campaign against Ganondorf's regime. He started bombing random patches of dirt or walls possibly as a terrorist attack against Hyrule.
{{|Yeah I remember Ganondorf, he kicked ass, but that loser Link killed him now Micheal is trying to get us again.|Mido|Link killing Ganondorf}}
--Halsoft 15:05, 15 July 2008 (UTC)Halsoft (fixing the damned thing) After the Great Dick-u Tree's death, Ganondorf had placed all the children under his protection to ensure that Michael Jackson couldn't get his hands on young child ass. Link, no doubt paid by Michael Jackson[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much], slaughtered their guards, thus exposing them to Jackson's wiles, amongst other things of Michael Jackson. He then killed Michael Jackson in the Forest Temple, stole his money and used it to fund his terror campaign against Ganondorf's closest friends. Amongst those he killed were a straight dragon who was stopping all of the Morons from having homosexual intercorse, the giant peeping tom-eye who was spying on the Zoras, a giant black Rayman, and Ganondorf's two lesbian mothers.
A year later, Link had assassinated Ganondorf with a shout of "...!!" and then later disappeared through time using a magical Ocarina.
[edit] Surgery
Sometime later, Link got tired of his appearance and went to see Zant to give him a new "face". But Zant was upset about what he did to Michael Jackson, so he made him a wolf.
“Hmm..I feel different.....WAIT! Is that bar-b-que?”
~ Link as a wolf on Zelda
After a few days of whining and keeping the neighbors up all night, he met an escapee from the mental house named Midna. He later committed even more crimes such as taking advantage of his new form to have some fun with that one girl wolf and Bambi's mom. You don't honestly think she died did you? (and if she did its not like it would have stoped him) He was always attracted to the way that the weird blue red stuff came out of her crown anyways.
[edit] Damn Wimmin
Link has been involved, on and off, and on again, in relationships with several girls including: Zelda, that fucked up Sariah girl, the Ranch Girl, the Zora gold digging Girl, the old Wind Fish Lady, a goron, several octorocks (all named Steve) and Drew Barrymore. This was the lesser known "The Legend of Zelda: the Quest of the 77 Bitches" game for the SEXBOX. In the intro, Zelda is giving Link the reverse cowgirl when Link decides he's had enough of her old twat and skips out on her flappy ass. He high tails it over to the local brothel, but after he is done getting it on with all the girls he realizes that bitch Zelda janxed his rupee satchel. The angry sluts cast a spell on Zelda, tightening her twat more than a virgin's; one of the side effects, unfortunately, turned her to stone, so Link won't get any until he obtains the 77 magic crystal shards scattered about the earth. The shards were created when he tried to add a small bagel to the mustard stack. Coincidentally, each one is held by a nymphomaniac/schizophrenic boss character.
The Ranch Girl promised Link several "gifts" if he posed in pictures with her horse, Brandi. Unfortunately, the horse turned out to be a "Randy", and Link ended up posing on all fours with a huge hole torn in the bottom of his tunic. On the plus side, Link found the first crystal shard in the stable, allowing him to access the courage to take what the beast had to give. Which was a lot. Believe me.
In order to obtain the second crystal shard majiger, Link had to go through an entire sub-quest involving several strap-ons and many, many watch batteries until he finally met up with the King Goron. The King said he would give Link the crystal shard if he could pleasure all of his daughters to climax at the exact same time. Link failed, having reached his own climax far before even the first of 3 goron-wimmin were satisfied. The only alternative was to have the GREAT GORON'S monstrous, raging cock in his ass for 35 seconds without crying. Needless to say, Link obtained that second crystal.
After Link had gotten the third crystal or whatever, Ruto, the princess of the Zoras claimed that since she had given him the crystal, Link had to marry her. Again, of course once wasn't enough. In a long, drawn out ceremony, paid for in rupees out of Link's own sack, Link and Ruto were made one. Link stayed in the Village of the Creepy Fish People long enough to get his rocks off with the Princess Fish (hey, heroing can be hard work!), and then he split.
“That bastard left me so many times I'm never marrying him again, unless he wants another quest item.”
~ Ruto on Link's commitment issues
Seven years later, Link came back with all of the papers, signed by his faithful lawyer, the guy who sold him the shield in the town he grew up in, to get a divorce. Unfortunately, Ruto already had 3 elf-thing/fish-thing hybrid children (not triplets), and immediately demanded child-support for the last seven years. In the end he ended up "lying" about being gay is an easy way to get out of marrige proposals etc ect, unless of course if you are then it sucks. No pun intended.
“And then he said nothing. No "Goodbye, Ruto!" or anything. He just ran off there with the sapphire. I think he was into that Zelda bitch all along. My heart was broken. ”
~ Ruto on Link's leaving her
That sounds crazy!
After killing Ganondorf, Zelda got pissed off at Link for not delivering the goods, if you know what I mean. She had him arrested, where he was tried for an assortment of crimes, including the sale of drugs without a permit, entering people's houses without their permission, having sexual intercourse with chick(en)s, regicide and cruelty to animals. The count of cruelty to animals was lessoned to lewd misconduct with animals, on the condition he pleaded guilty to several million accounts of murder.
In the end Link was found guilty of all charges and spent two months in jail for copping out on the child-support claims by the Princess Fish, claiming that it was impossible for her to have three differently aged children from his man-juice, because he'd only done it with her once. Unfortunately, the judge was in fact Princess Ruto, and she ruled in favor of herself, awarding herself $1,000,000 in child support, and $infinity^2 in emotional reparations for Link crushing her "fragile heart" when he left her. Link was busted out of jail by his new girlfriend, Malon, but not until after he promised her he would film equestrian porn with that damned beast of hers. Again. Why he did this is unknown because he can bust out of any jail pretty easily because of secret passages. Why the hell is their always a secret passage.
“When I realized that he was missing I searched the secret passage in his cell!”
~ incompetent guard on Link escaping
On a separate occasion, Link was spotted in Hyrule Town Square, with the occasional dog following behind him. As the dog numbers dwindled, townsfolk became suspicious. Further investigation by Hyrule guards found Link to be the ring-leader of Hyrule's most profitable dog-fighting club. Men from all over town would come to witness the fights and satisfy their sexual needs on the loser. Link was heavily fined, sent to the brig, and was revoked from his position as quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons. Of course they didn't missed him.
[edit] Whereabouts And How To Deal With Him
If you see this man, call the local guards, and hide in your house with the door barred. Of course it doesn't matter because theirs a key anyways. In this case it may be useful to break up the key to your two-inch-thick doors, perhaps giving it to a monster of sorts to guard. Do not leave the monsters bane lying in the same dungeon. The next precaution is to plug all holes that Link can shrink into with his Minish Cap. Seal all the windows with airtight, bulletproof lucite. Finally, remove any mounted painted wooden targets on your walls, as well as any ivy and ladders. If you possess a one-time use secret passage, for God's sake, use it before he does! Take any wooden treasure chests off your roof, instead use steel treasure chests, as Link has been known to be able to grapple onto those as well. Just in case he gets to it, fill the chests with liquid nitrogen spray that freezes anything into ice upon contact. Feel free to substitute a powder keg or angry Goron. If all else fails throw a Cucco at the boy. Cuccos are said to be Link's only weakness, for he is known to be tempted into torturing these poor little creatures until they go batshit crazy flying everywhere pecking Link to death. The most frightening aspect of Link is his ability to teleport and instantly kill anyone within a 10 foot radius. insatiable appetite for needless destruction.
{{Q|That little bastard snuck into my house and raped my chickens, stole my money, and killed my grandma, upon leaving he was screaming, "That boss was a bitch!"
At no time whatsoever should you let Link Z-Target you. If you do, every projectile will hit you, or be thrown in your general vicinity. You can prevent this by... hell, you can't prevent it. Unless he's using the generic Fairy Z-Target, in which you can just crush the fairy in your hand, which will be easy, since all it does is flit around you in needless circles. However, Link may also try to L-Target you, which is in no way related to Z-Targeting and is much more deadly, as a pointy arrow is situated above your head and might poke you. However, for no reason whatsoever, it is just as simple to prevent as Z-Targeting. You know when you have been Z-Targeted(or L-Targeted):
- If an extremely annoying fairy is flying around you.
- If there is an arrow above your little head. Stabbing you.
- If you have an arrow protruding from your chest.
- If your useless items, such as Worthless Crystals, or your still-beating heart, are missing.
- If you've been stabbed by a Hookshot.
- If you've been groped by a Clawshot.
- If a grappling hook has stolen random items off of your person.
- If you've exploded (Of course, you'd be dead, so no need explaining that.)
- If Link follows your movements with pinpoint precision when he's cutting you open.
- If you have a dodging spinning diamond floating above your head.
- If the view around you suddenly goes wide-screen.
- If the Master Sword is sticking neatly out of the top of your head.
- If you wake up with no clue where you are, wondering why your fat ass is so fucking god-damned sore.
- If you hear a warning sound effect.
- If you get a sense of impending doom.
- If the Legend of Zelda theme song starts playing.
- If a bommerang seems to be stuck in your body.
- If Link starts to do lots of gymnastics around you.
- if you see the word ATTACK flash on the bottom of the so-called game screen
lA,lA,lA,lA,lA
[edit] Link versus the invaders from outerspace
In A.D. 2005, October the 1st to be precise, war was beginning.
However it did NOT take place in outer space, but instead, in a small village in the middle of nowhere.
A strange spaceship emerged from a nearby wormhole, and after only a few seconds, a worst-case scenario took place. Link was being ass raped by many strange animals.
“That little fucker didn't even run! How is that rape??”
~ Captured Alien on Raping Link
Immediately they started shooting, but could do nothing against Link's all-powerful wooden shield. Seriously the best weapon in the game only comparable to the best defense in the game the kokiri sword. Link than began to brutally ass rape all of the inhabitants of the hyrule kingdom.
After a few approaches to negotiate a peace treaty with the warmonger, the alien visitors realized they had no chance to survive and were about to make their time, when Link without any further provocation (except constantly being shot at with crappy green dual lasers)
unexpectedly revealed a portable weapon of ultimate mass destruction - a wooden boomerang!
The alien ship stood no chance. [4] [5]
Their shields could withstand temperatures up to 9000°, but not a boomerang-inducted cold "plosion".
(Neither implosion, nor explosion - causing the destabilization of the molecular structure of that particular object and the
ENTIRE space-time-continuum. Why we still live, is currently unknown. But it might explain why the loading times on Sonic'06 seem so long. )
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!!! A FUCKING BOOOOOOOOOMAAAARANGGGGGGGG!”
~ A fucked alien on Links Boomarang
Soon after, more ships turned up, first seven, then around 40 or so.
Then they also started showing up in different parts of the country.
Link simply ignored them, and they were gone the next time he started the game without a cheat device. This, however still had real life effects in Roswell, New Mexico.
Later, studies showed that the alien visitors came from a far distant solar system, known as LYLAT-256a, now ruled by the brain of a giant evil floating monkey scientist, called "Andross".
The war mentioned earlier in this section ("In A.D. 2005 [...] war was beginning[...]") is now known as The Lylat War.
[edit] Hobbies
As a young lad, Link liked to grab Cucco's by their legs and use them as hang-gliders. He would soar over people's heads and into their backyards where he would proceed to mutilate their prized bushes, searching for small penises and ruppees. When he wasn't using Cucco's as flying contraptions he had was hitting them with his mighty weapon the Kokire Sword. It has also been claimed that Link likes to engage in "Hot zombie orgies." [6].
Link has a tendency to crossdress at various times, since he pretty much looks like a school girl anyways. While crossdressed, he'll adopt a female personality, named Liz, this name was given to him by Zelda. Liz was created when Zelda became bored with Links child like penis, and wanted something new. To help with this Link went on a quest to learn the ability to suck his penis inside his body. This version, however never reached stateside. After the quest Liz could be found flying with chickens and going to bars where (s)he is paid as a stripper while fighting. For more info, please click the link Liz (Link's Female Personality)
Link also enjoys killing and collecting rare, endangered spiders. He is an avid member of the Kakariko Village Arachnophiliac Club, where the members spend hours trading collected spiders amongst themselves. Occasionally a member will trade a spider for other items of value such as a vibrater. The olny such way to get the actual spider is to shoot it with a wooden slingshot. This may explain why their is a possibility of extinction.
One of Links favorite hobbies is, obviously, murder. Often after a long day of murdering Link will light up, and smoke a fat chick. Then to get his rocks off Link drinks "Lon Lon Milk" which is 2% milk laced with LSD. This milk is provided by his bitch, Malon, a notorious Hyrule drug dealer who hides it by placing it in her milk cooling system the "Lon Lon Milk" was created when Link accidently cut open a bag and got it in his pants and in the milk. The olny person to ever be affected with the 'High' effects were Link and when stoned, Link often has delusions that he is travelling through time. He is often quite harmless at these times, simply playing his ocarina and "tripping out to the music, bro." However, at other times he becomes violent, incoherent, and angry. In one famous incident, Link murdered more than 70 palace guards because they were, in his words, "Not treating him with the respect due to a true pimp." When Link drinks the "Lon Lon Milk" he gains the ability to speak. At times Link will drink "Lon Lon Milk" at important team meetings so he doesn't have to do sharades just to get his point across. Usually these meetings end with one or all the members dead. Including Link. He is the olny one to have the "Save&Quit/Continue" option.
[edit] Death
Link was killed by a horde of angry chickens that he repeatedly poked at Lon Lon Ranch[7]. No one was able to get near him, partially because the ferocity of the chickens and partially because the next moment, the words GAME OVER appeared on the screen. The greatest Mystery remained unsolved; "Did Link ever have to piss?". Then, the game reset and Link re-appeared, humping away at some random girl that might have been Malon, Zelda or Ruto or someone else entirely. Possibly Big Goron. They all look pretty much the same to Link. But then, how did he die if he came back doing somebody? One of life's pesky mysteries that, when solved, causes your head to explode.
[edit] Marijuana's Mask
While in hell, Link met Zero, the dude who always comes back to life in the MegaMan series. Link befriended Zero and he revealed his almighty secrets after a night of looking up the devil girls' panties. And so Link returned, forever to plague the Earth or wherever the hell he lives.
He also discovered he was a boy again and decided to take a walk in the forest with his horse, In search of someone to Victimise. But he was tired and fell asleep, while he slept, a Skull Kid, wearing a mask that was called the Marijuana mask as it gave the wearer the ability to be constantly high, stole his horse, sex toy and rode off with his two fairy friends.(He has 2 fairies as he is a greedy bastard.)
When Link woke he took chase and followed the Skull Kid down a rabbithole, and ended up in Eluryh, the complete opposite of Hyrule. The Kid was pretty pissed off with him for kidnapping one of his fairies, and turned Link into a Pipe smoking Dick-u Nut.
Dick-u Link soon released that this world was ending in 72 hours and that the following events would be in real time. The world was going to be destroyed by a Happy smiling moon that was so happy that it was hurtling towards Eluryh.
After beating up the local youths for their racist slurs against Dick-us, Link at the last moment scaled the cock tower of Cock Town and confronted the Skull Kid. It had turned out that the Skull Kid had overdosed on Marijuana and the mask had ditched him so he could go and rape the smiling moon.
Link then decided to use his sex toy to go back to the start of the day and try again. He continued to go back in time and live the day over again, and the result was a lot like that movie "Groundhog day" except without Bill Murray. He eventually encountered his previous employer the mask salesman, who turned him back into an elf and ordered him to steal masks from everyone, even if it means turning their souls into masks.
This ingenious idea made Link smile, and he went about stealing all the masks, killing a Zora and a Goron in order to turn them into masks.
Bored with this, Link decided to stop the moon by calling upon 4 giant perverts to scare the moon away. Marijuana Mask was pissed and engaged Link in a final battle. Link used his steroids to make him grow into adult form again and he soon killed and mutilated the mask.
[edit] Trivia
- As you all know, Link has multiple hearts.
- Link's many hearts are in fact his only internal organs, hence he never has to eat or pee.
- Link was the winning bidder of the auction for the only set of bottomless pockets ever stitched. However, the auction was fixed and this rapidly led to mayhem and lawlessness across the land of Hyrule for 10 years. This dark era can be relived in The Legend of Zelda: Project Tropicana.
- Link is left handed. This has earned him the nickname "heafty lefty with the cleft-y" among fans. However, he once tried being ambidextrous, but got bored of it. Rumor has it a similar thing happened with being smart.
- In one of the most heavily aired TV specials of all time, Link participated in a two hour long debate with Half Life alumnus Gordon Freeman, defending video game characters' rights to silence. The debate was considered inconclusive and was withheld indefinitely since neither side could speak.
- Link only fears two things. The Great Fairy, and Gossip Stones. Fearing something like the Great Fairy is perfectly understandable, but Link never learned to trust Gossip Stones, as they are bouncy rocks, and they remind him of his childhood. For what reason, no-one knows.
- Link's favorite food is fairies[8].
- Link cannot hurt innocents. Even if he tries to. It frustrates him mightily.
- Link stores his items inside his anus. His bombs, money, masks, sex toys, etc are all tucked safely inside after he aquires them. Only with the help of fairies can he expand the rift and eventually he will be able to carry infinite items. Including all the members of Slipknot.
- Constant attacks from monsters/chickens/fangirls/Oprah has left Link's balls heavily damaged, rendering him effectively sterile. This explains why he is such a pimp, and he hasn't gotten anyone (human at least)pregnant yet. It may also explain why he is a young adult, yet he has no chest and/or facial hair. As such, he would make the perfect Disney Channel star.
- Link and Chuck Norris had a battle that once threatened all of existence. Until the damn chickens turned red, got bored, and attacked both, forcing a treaty until WWIII.
- Link is forbidden to talk. If he does, he's made into a smiling idiotic homosexual by the potato people (if you want an example, play 'Link: The Faces of Evil').
- Link has magical hair. It randomly changes color against his will. Examples are but are not limited to: dark brown, brown, sepia, copper, pink, yellow, blond, dark blond, cyan, black, magenta, and white. This is one of the reasons why Link always looks pissed off.
- The Missing Link is another name for Link. The name only applies to him whenever he ventures into the Lost Woods.
- Link is a celebrity - he is all over the internets.
- Link frequents the gerudo fortress where he shoots at the female guards and gets himself thrown in the dungeon. This fulfills his sick fantasies.
[edit] References
- ↑ "What's that, Link? Timmy fell down the well?"
- ↑ Scott Ramsoomair. The Roof. VGCats. Retrieved on 2007-08-18.
- ↑ Oh my gosh! An actual, real quote from the real videogame?
- ↑ re-enactment of the alien invasion
- ↑ May be helpful in case you want to 're-enact' the alien invasion by yourself
- ↑ Scott Ramsoomair. Dead and Loving It. VGCats. Retrieved on 2007-08-18.
- ↑ Scott Ramsoomair (2003). Cucco Puffs. VG Cats. Retrieved on 2007-08-31.
- ↑ Scott Ramsoomair. Ozzy. VGCats. Retrieved on 2007-08-18.
[edit] Unrelated Links
- Link Daveson
- Link McLaughlin
- Link N. Park
- Link Peters
- Chris Houilihan
- Link sausage
- Link Smith
- Link In Park
- Link Weber
- Linkoln
- Linkin Park
- The Missing Link
[edit] Related Links
- Red Link
- Blue Link
- Purple Link
- Zelda
- The Master Sword
- Chuck Norris
- Link is a Tree
- reader rabbit
- Tennis Ball
| Games: |
The Legend of Zelda - The Adventure of Link - Blink-182 is Passé - Link's Arousal - Ocarina of Time - Majora's Mask - Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages - The Wind Waker - Four Swords Adventure - The Midget's Cap - Twilight Princess - Phantom Hourglass |
| Why, God? Why?: | The Wand of Gamelon The Faces of Evil |
| Characters: | Link - Ganondorf - Zelda - Tingle - Vaati - That Old Man from The Legend Of Zelda - Sheik - Liz |
| Somethings: | Hyrule - Link is a Tree - The Legend of Zelda Link theory - Rupee |
