Linux
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“Couldn't get the bloody codecs to work, so the knighthood went to Bill Gates instead.”
~ The Queen on Linux
“But it's good! So what if you spend more time setting it up than actually using it? That's half the fun.”
~ Masochists on Linux
“YABBA MY ICING!!!”
~ Headcrab Zombie on Linux
Linux (pronounced [ˈlaɪnʌks] if you're a retard, [ˈlɪnəks] if you get laid all the time) is an umbrella term for a collection of useless operating systems (OSs) commonly used by 12-year-old snobs desperate to appear "1337" in front of other 12-year-old social misfits. It is free as in "free beer", and is the only operating system which allows one to engage in OS wars with people who use the same operating system, a feature that has revolutionized Slashdot since its inception.
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[edit] Where does the name come from?
Linus Torvalds apparently wanted to call his new Operating-System "Freax", since he was/is a Freak, and UNIX ends in 'X'. However, the GNU foundation insists on recursive puns for all free software, so in order to comply with the GPL he was forced to name it "Linux" - which means "Linux Is Not UniX".
[edit] Version 0.99
According to SCO lawyers, the earliest version of Linux was created using the following command:
mv SCO.unix.kernel linux-0.99
While lawyers have debated the finer points for many years, programmers generally agree that this cannot be true since:
- Linux works well
- Kernel programmers would have stolen from Solaris.
- LESS THAN ONE ERROR DHFJKLWJKLGJKLEJWFKLJDKLSHNEHFDJKLDFJEKLFJDLKJCFDKLFJLKEJFLKDFJDLSKFJELKFJLDKFJDLK
thank you for using linux...
[edit] Creation
The first Linux OS was created entirely by one person, Linus Torvalds, as an effort to blackmail the United Nations by launching a world-altering weapon that would devastate humankind's breeding potential. Given his deity status, full social calendar, and lack of free time, he decided to simply evaluate the code of some existing operating systems. Despite several setbacks in his initial ambition, Torvalds decided to continue working on Linux as a standalone project, alongside with several thousand enthusiasts that had been tragically influenced by its impotence-inducing effects. After hundreds of ego-induced in-fights, sectarian conflicts and civil wars, Torvalds' supporters were eventually broken up into countless factions, each laid claim to their own Linux project. Torvalds, however, was able to maintain overall control of the Linux kernel, the enormous heartland of Linux that could only be matched by his own waistline.
[edit] Kernel
The Linux kernel is a sophisticated piece of software that manages hardware and fundamental software functionalities of a computer. Professional fringe benefits aside, a Linux kernel maintainer is usually a highly-qualified individual that contributes to the project in a selfless and non-biased manner. Linux kernel code is also known for its maintenance-friendly nature and professional efforts. The following is an example of the driver code for a certain piece of hardware:
//I am going to fucking kill whoever designed this piece of shit chip
string linusTorvalds = "God";
string sayWhat = "whatever";
int penguinLanded = 2;
// Let's cross our fingers and see if this works
void countThePenguins (int fingers) {
bool weAreFucked;
if (fingers > 1) weAreFucked = true;
else weAreFucked = false;
...
}
// Note to Nate: Lunch?
// Note to Craig: I'll drive.
[edit] Software Features
The most fundamental feature of Linux is that it is free of charge, or, according to a Thomas Jefferson look-alike, filled with freedom. Hence, users are circumstantially considered their own technical support. It is believed if there happens to be a timely addition of a new feature, God has likely answered someone's prayer and this will mean the overturn of the theory of evolution. Nonetheless, users are highly encouraged to deploy under-supported or completely unsupported distributions of Linux such as Ubuntu in mission-critical production environments where accountability is paramount in every single respect.
Linux runs on everything, I mean everything, even on a coffee peculator or, potentially, a badger roadkill. According to one report, a Linux enthusiast was able to compile a modified stock kernel into a sound-modulating Darth Vadar helmet. Although this successful attempt is yet to yield any productive results, said enthusiast was optimistic that his effort will eventually lead to the eradication of non-free "Dark-Side (breathing noise) software such as Microsoft Windows in all Darth Vadar helmets" (although it is to be noted that no Darth Vadar helmet to date has been embedded with any version of Microsoft Windows).
Linux currently supports a wide range of software with innovative features. Said software are usually developed by enthusiasts eager to materialize their unshared visions in a corporate-dominant world, where practical features such as spinning three-dimensional desktops are often deemed confusing and wasteful of precious system resources. Provocative program names such as "fsck" are also often used to show the cutting-edge nature of the Linux community. Linux based programs are usually free-of-charge except ones that might actually amount to, if any, economic value. There are no viruses or malware threatening Linux users, as any such, if created, will highly unlikely reach more than a single-digit percentage of all personal computer users. The ease of installing programs on Linux is also remarkable, with standalone software only taking a scant twenty-two hours to compile. (This includes a whole host of dependency files adding even more useful functionality.) And, unlike Windows software, Linux software can be fully configured to every user's specific taste in just mere months.
The most important aspect of Linux and its software is, as widely regarded the case in most Linux community, that "it is not Windows".
[edit] Hardware Requirements
As briefly mentioned in the previous section, the hardware requirements of Linux are rather liberal compared to those of other OSs, where the involvement of an actual computer is often a prerequisite. If Linux is to be installed to a personal computer (PC) by any means, it is to be noted that the clock speed of the central processing unit is usually considered unimportant, since throughout all iterations of version of the Linux kernel performance in PC has never been a design criterion. The installation of powerful, up-to-date graphical processing units (GPU) is also not required since the total economic value of the video game industry in the Linux domain is estimated to US$0.00, and it is known to be highly unlikely that even the latest version of the Linux kernel does offer any support to GPUs manufactured less than five years ago. Hardware redundant array of independent disks (RAID) is also supported out-of-the-box so as long as the RAID system in question is not "fake", or firmware-based, since the performance of such a system is considered inefficient and in the Linux design philosophy performance is always above everything, even practicality (unless, indeed, that the computer the RAID system installed to is a PC, in which case nothing is deemed a priority). Linux, on the other hand, has rather solid or, in some cases, experimental support in lesser-known hardware gadgets such as hot-pluggable PCI devices, although, indeed, one may find it hard to find a PC sporting such fringe features.
[edit] The people who use it
- New York Stock Exchange
- Johnny from the IT department
- Florida vote counters
[edit] See also
- HowTo:Install Linux
- Tux, the Linux Mascot
- Linux Pride
- Linux Users Anonymous
- Unix
- SourceForge
- Metal GNU
- Uncyclux
