Lisa Simpson
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“I'd tap that.â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Lisa Simpson
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| Date of birth: | The 80s | |
| Place of birth: | Springfield | |
| Nationality: | | |
| Occupation | Nerd/Vegetarian/Activist/Future President/Future Hippie | |
|---|---|---|
| Religion | Buddhist | |
Lisa Simpson is the most smelly 3-year-old-like member of the Simpsons family, despite being the only one that hasn't had sexual intercourse, despite the "defamatory claims" from Nelson, Milhouse, and Bart. She happens to be a snobby emo, vegetarian which led to her creating PETA in 1997. Despite being born in 1985, Lisa has been an 8 year old girl for the past umpteen years, which has led some people to question whether or not she's even human. Her refusal to believe in anything except scientific fact has led others to call her a straight-up bitch.
| Famous Simpsons | |
| Jessica Simpson | Homer Simpson |
| Bart Simpson | OJ Simpson |
| Abe Simpson | Ashlee Simpson |
| The Simpsons | Lisa Simpson |
Her yellow skin and superior intellect are the most commonly cited reasons for believing that Lisa is actually an alien, but most people claim that she's probably either Asian, or suffers from severe, persistent jaundice. Another common conspiracy theorie, is that in 1987, her mind was downloaded into an exact android duplicate, with the body being sold to a butchers on Ebay for meat. This is of corse bullshit, like every other conspiracy theory.
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[edit] Lisa Simpson in the 90s
In 1991, Homer Simpson forced Lisa to star with him in his sitcom, "The Simpsons". The noticeable lack of his other two daughters made the show very unpopular with critics because they were expecting no-talent "singing" and dancing from slutty little girls (see Full House). They were also upset because there were no mentally retarded Simpsons to make fun of, which forced Homer into lodging a crayon into his brain in 1994 to make himself become retarded.
In late 1994, scientists kidnapped Lisa to see why she had not aged at all over the course of the show. Lisa's extracted blood was found to contain large amounts of candy and LSD, but nothing that could prolong life.
In 1995, Lisa displayed irregular homosexual tendencies when she apparently invented the dildo, but it was later discovered that the dildo was invented by Britney Spears to make her voice sound so annoying.
In 1997, Lisa converted to Buddhism and became a vegetarian. Along with the reanimated corpse of Siddhartha Gautama, she formed PETA(People who Enjoy Tasty Animals) to act as a group to protect animals from being eaten (sometimes through terror, though Lisa denies any involvement in terrorism). Bill Clinton pubicly denounced Lisa Simpson and organized a large amount of anti-PETA, anti-Simpson, and anti-terrorism propoganda. When it was discovered that President Clinton received a blow-job from a very ugly, over weight woman, nobody took anything he or the government said seriously anymore and the Simpsons became far more popular.
In a Time Magazine poll in 1999, Lisa was voted as the most popular member of the Simpson family. Some have questioned whether PETA or Pepsi had anything to do with this decision. Larry King was found murdered after accusing Lisa Simpson of being a terrorist. His death is considered very suspicious because his head just randomly fell off for no reason while filming Larry King Live (which is ironic, since he was no longer alive after his head fell off).
[edit] Lisa Simpson in the 2000s
In 2000, Lisa won an Emmy for her role on the Simpsons. Jessica Simpson condemned the media for ignoring her accomplishments in the pop music genre (she won a Grammy that year). Lisa responded by saying, "Jessica has no talent. She lets other people write her songs; she lets others sing for her; she lets others dance for her on stage; she can't act; she's even more retarded than Ashlee. The only reason people like Jessica at all is because she has tits, but they aren't even real." Homer Simpson apparently punished Lisa for these comments, though what he did to her is a mystery.
In 2001, Lisa was condemned by the media for her supposed involvement in the terrorist attacks on 9/11. Of the 19 hijackers, 16 of them were members of PETA. Lisa has denied any involvement in the attacks. Osama bin Laden has stated that Lisa is his favorite character on the Simpsons, even though he bears a strong physical resemblance to Apu.
In 2002, Ashlee Simpson's album went platinum. There has been evidence gathered that suggests Lisa provided all of the vocals and wrote all of the songs on Ashlee's album. Ashlee's inability to perform any of her songs live has reinforced this claim, though Lisa denies it. Many believe she is being blackmailed, but Ashlee is too stupid to know how.
In 2003, Bart raped her in the ass for not doing his homework, she retaliated by making his dog into chilli and burning his penis off while he slept.
In 2005, a small group of Simpsons fans created a cult devoted to worshipping Lisa. In November of that year, they kidnapped and raped Ashlee Simpson for saying mean comments about Lisa. Ashlee was found in late December, disappointed that there were no rescue attempts to save her.
1,000. 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
Lisa is currently in talks of starring in the Simpsons movie which is scheduled to come out in 2007. She is also in talks of starring in the Broadway production of "Oliver Twist" as well as starring in ads with her sister Jessica for a new season of Newlyweds (Jessica will apparently marry commedian Jim Carrey).
[edit] Homosexuality
She once made love with all her sisters, her mom, and Jlo. They were all drunk and thought that they were making love with men. Except for Jessica. Jessica is lesbian. So very very lesbian...
[edit] Trivia
- Lisa Simpson is an avid saxophone player. This talent has led to her becoming the unofficial 5th member of System of a Down.
- Lisa is the most difficult of all of the simpson's characters to draw.
- Lisa Simpson once got pregnant when she made out with her brother Bart Simpson, and after nine months, she gave birth to a baby girl she called Maggie, but her parents pretended to be the baby's parents.
- Lisa Simpson's Second Life account name is Anshe Chung.
- Lisa Simpson is probably smarter than you. She has scored at least 140 points on IQ tests. This is to be contrasted with her sisters Jessica and Ashlee. Jessica has scored q, which isn't even on the scale, and Ashlee has scored -23 (which means they are both mentally retarded).
- Lisa was born in 1983, so she is 27. She has denied drinking alcohol, though she has been seen purchasing hard liquor for her friends.
- Lisa is close friends with Alanis Morrisette. Because Morissette is a lesbian, people have questioned Lisa's sexual orientation.
- Lisa is also friends with Clay Aiken. Again, because he is gay, people have questioned Lisa's sexual orientation.
- Lisa is one of only a handful of people who have seen Barbara Bush naked.
- Lisa invented Pepsi in 1991 along with Milhouse Van Houten, though she sold her ownership of the drink to Billy Crystal who went on to invent Crystal Pepsi.
- Lisa filmed a segment of "Bowling for Columbine" by Michael Moore. In her segment, she lead a ragtag bunch of misfits from Springfield Elementary to victory over the highly-favoured Columbine High bowling team, 'the Columbine Massacrers'. The footage was cut from the final film however.
- Lisa wrote the original script for the movie "Finding Nemo." She was nominated for an Emmy, but lost to the person that actually wrote "Finding Nemo."
- Lisa has travelled to every continent on Earth while filming "The Simpsons." She also wishes to be able to go into space, though Homer has already done this so it is doubtful that she will get to also.
- Some people believe that Lisa was the model for the Statue of Liberty.
- Lisa believes that the show "Family Guy" is a complete rip-off of "The Simpsons." Very few people care, however.
- Lisa has rigged the elections so that Homer Simpson became president, and will most likely be president until and after his death
- Lisa was actually dropped in an iodine tank shortly after birth which explains her yellow complexion.
- Lisa likes to shout BANG BANG BONANZA at passing cars on the street. This is why she is so intelligent
- She also has a hidden talent for hockey, and plays goaltender for the AHL's Springfield Eagles.
- Is known to be the co-founder of facebook.com, along with Homer and Bart Simpson.
- Lisa has been voted #11 on the FHM "Top 100 women you'd like to sleep with poll." This is despite only being 10 years old, and a cartoon.
- According to the DaVinci Code, Lisa is one of three living descendants of Jesus Christ.
- Lisa is secretly Brad Fitzpatrick from
- Despite being a mere 8 years of age, she has learned to spread her legs just as well as the crack whores down on 19th.
[edit] Quotes about Lisa
"Lisa is a nut. She has a rubber Butt. And every time she turns around it goes 'Putt-Putt'" -Bart Simpson on Lisa.
