List of Sonic Characters Nobody's Ever Heard Of
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This is the list of disciples granted unto Sonic the Hedgehog throughout the ages.
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Miles "Tails" Prower
First appearance: Book of Sega Genesis
Tails is Sonic's most dedicated and faithful follower, going with Sonic wherever he goes and protecting him as his personal bodyguard. His duties include tasting his food to check for poison, going through doors first to check they're not boobytrapped, starting his car from 150 feet away in case there's a car bomb, going through swamps ahead of him to check for perverted tentacle monsters, standing on top of a nearby tree during storms to direct lightning away from him and giving fellatio to potential sleeping partners to check for STDs.
Tails has developed numerous bad habits off-duty, due to his abusive work life and lack of a caring home. When the authorities find him, he explains, "Sonic made me do it". When they ask Sonic, he says "God made me do it". When they ask God, he says "You got the wrong number, pal" and hangs up. There have also been a number of incidents involving glug-glug, hump-hump, what-do-you-mean-pregnant, and a dash to the border, now let's never speaak of them again.
Amy Rose
First appearance: Book of Sega Genesis
Amy Rose is the stalker that Sonic was cursed with for the blasphemy of Sonic the Hedgehog: The Movie. She is skilled in over 400 types of infiltration, including ninja-style and Tom-Cruise-on-a-string-style, is hornier than triceratops in heat and armed with cute looks to boot, the latter being her deadliest weapon. The instant she is shown the slightest bit of weakness, she will pounce and begin the ceremonial virgin-sodomising rites.
Her hobbies include ice-cream, kleptomania, being a damsel in distress, being coupled in fan fictions with every other character under the sun, regardless of gender, officiality, or whether or not they're even in the Sonic universe. She is reported as having not been too happy about some of these pairings, having tried most of them out and a lot of them having not worked, as spines generally make for trouble in bed with anyone not adequately protected with several layers of kevlar plating, or a convenient grue.
Knuckles The Echidna
First appearance: Book of Sega Genesis
Knuckles is as far from a representation of a real echidna as you can possibly get. He is a red, teenage, anthropomorphic echidna. His first appearance was in Sonic the Hedgehog 3: Return of Zombie Eggman (a sub-section of the book of Sega Genesis). Knuckles is both a close friend and rival of Sonic. His task since birth has been to guard the Master Emerald, which entails keeping it safe from theft, polishing it on a regular basis, supplying it with concubines and assassinating anyone whom the emerald deems "kinda dodgy looking". According to official Sonic Team polls, Knuckles is the fourth most popular character in the series.
Supposedly, he had friends called the Chaotix Hitman Club, but after a recent accident with a batgirl, a thong, dancing potatoes, and some guy named Joe, he has dispersed from his former comrades. Knuckles was portrayed in the Sonic The Hedgehog movie by Vin Diesel. Along with the Megaman movie, this was a low point in Diesel's career.
Rouge The Bat
First appearance: Book of Adventures II
Rouge is a professional treasure hunter. Her feminine charm makes her appear careless, but she is actually scheming and manipulative. In seven of the ten games she has appeared in to date, Rouge wears a FABULOUS skintight black body suit with an AWESOME large pink heart-shaped breast plate and those kinky white thigh-high boots. How she expects not to attract the wrong kind of attention with those kind of clothes I have no idea, but it follows that in twelve of the ten games she has appeared in to date (???) she has been raped by between two and five species of tentacle monsters.
Shadow The Hedgehog
First appearance: Book of Adventures II
Shadow was bestowed upon Sonic by the Lord in the second book of adventures to up the emo factor and rake in the cash from fangirls on whom all the anime gods had begun to prey at the time. This was done in a rather sloppy manner, where a vague hedgehog shape was pulled together from black plasticine and a little bit of blood from the veins of anime's remaining integrity, and the resulting plasticiney, bloody mess was thrown at the market like shit to a wall, and it stuck with a similar effectiveness. Dubbed with the amazingly original moniker of "Shadow", the resulting abomination was unable to feel any sort of emotion other than pure anguish, and much less display said emotion, much to the delight of the fangirls. Scripture is unclear on their exact reaction, but verses 3:10-11 say this of the matter:
"And Shadow the malcontent appeared unto the world, to much mixed reaction. Some cried, some cheered, but most begat noises as such:
"OMGOGOMGOOGHESOAWESUMIWANTHISBAAHBEEZZLOLOL!!!!11!MEDORECOLORZNOWLOLZ*MSPaint*"
Silver The Hedgehog
First appearance: Book of Handheld Spin-Offs
Silver was borne of the Lord's attempts to recreate the massive commercial success that followed in the wake of his turn to the emo side, and those that flopped hilariously. The result was a confused, perpeptually disoriented little thing with a big fluffy white thing stuck to his head. At this point, the Lord was beginning to become delirious, and started populating Sonic's promised land with all manner of plagues of characters, until everyone (including the characters themselves) had characters coming out of their ears.
He often appears in conjunction with Blaze, for little to no apparent reason.
| Sonic the Hedgehog characters |
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Chaos - Cream the Rabbit - Dr. Robotnik - Metal Sonic - Silver the Hedgehog - Sonic the Hedgehog - Sonic the Preggo - Sonnet the Hedgehog - Tails the Straight - Minor Characters |
