Harry Potter shows off a prototype SaberSword. Ron's 'tarding out!

An obvious extension of the awesomeness of the sword and the similar awesomeness of the lightsaber. The combination of these two weapons is simple. Advancements in 'saber technology allows for the beam emission hardware to be contained within the hilt of a sword. An igniter on the hilt allows the wielder to instantly encase the blade of the weapon in energy in the heat of combat, thus combining both ultimate forms of ass-kickery from both primitive and futuristic weaponry in one impressive tool, serving as a totally awesome special effect and doing a fine job of detracting attention from the terrible acting of Hayden Christensen.

The effects of this weapon vary. When in "Lightsaber Mode", one has the ability to cleanly cut through nearly any material with reletive ease. However, the sword's blade is only so sharp, and can be combined with the activation of the 'saber blade to produce some interesting results. Caution must be taken when duelling with another lightsaber or Saber-Sword user, such that one does not convert back to "Sword Mode" while the opponent is using a lightsaber, else the blade will simply be cut off. On the other side of this, however, one can severely startle their opponent and break a drawn-out stalemate. Picture it: you're in a fair swordfight that you're falling to the losing end of, when before your opponent knows it you hit a button and SIZZLE, their weapon lies in pieces on the floor along with their severed hand.

Also available in two single-handed and dual-ended formats.

[edit] Lazer Guided Knife

One of the biggest complaints about knives thesedays is how inaccurate the knife is. Superman recognised this problem and spent inordinite amounts of time (lots and lots and lots) thinking of a way to resolve this problem. After infinity days and several brawls with the hulk (7 and 2) The idea to apply his super accurate lazer vision to the sharp pointyness of knives. And so the Lazer guided knife was born. The Lazer Guided Knife has just as many uses as a normal knife, plus you can shine it on the screen at movie theaters to annoy people just before you kill them.

[edit] The Lightspork

May the Spork be with you. Always.

It's like a lightsaber, but with a spork. Thus, it is much deadlier. And can cut and cook food with its heat. Thus, it has 5 uses. Fork, spoon, deadly weapon, food-cutter, and also stove. Not many things you have can do that, eh?

NOTE: Please take care not to extend the blade while the lightspork is in your mouth. Nobody wants to be the one who has to clean that up.

[edit] The Quadraspork

The deadly quadspork

Besides being a killer weapon for assassins (and psychotic chefs), you can also eat food four times as fast! (But beware of cut lips, skull injuries, and choking big time. Be sure to have a surgeon ready.)

[edit] Sporkord

It's a sword with a giant spork at the end. Or is it a giant spork with a sword on the end? It also shoots bullets.

[edit] Nuke Sword

Known by many to be wielded by Czars across the world. The nuke sword is a formidable weapon. Even though many czars have the weapon, only one has ever dared used it, to smite Japan. Sure the "Historians" might tell you that it was America using the so-called "Atomic Bomb", but tell me, what proof is there that this weapon even exists(besides the obvious crater and the picture took of the bomb?) It had to be a Czar with a Nuke Sword.

[edit] Double Gun Sword

Dude, its like, a gun taped to a sword with a gun on top. How fucking awesome is that? If you get into a sword fight, pop that thing out and slash away. And if you get into a gun fight, just pull the trigger. Its that simple. The type of sword used is optional, just as the gun is. Automatic guns are useful for spray-and-pray, while single shot guns are useful for being accurate (but who really cares about accuracy when you can have the coolest weapon ever invented). The only drawback with automatic weapons attached to the double gun sword is its weight. More guns and swords can be added as seen fit (chainsaws would also be a good addition).

[edit] Laser-Guided Double Gun Sword With a Ninja on Top

Like the previous weapon, only with a ninja on it. Oh yeah, and its laser-guided for added awesomeness (could it get any cooler?)

[edit] Penny Farthing Of Death

Penny Farthing Of Death . Exercise care when boarding.
A brick (B) may be attached to the lance (A) for added kickassivenessage.

Not a sword, but certainly sword-based, and far, far more betterer even than the ill-fated "Unicycle Of Certain Discomfort", this baby features wheels made from circular swords, spokes made from swords, and a dirty great lance for when you've just got to charge! Plus optional brick for end of lance.

[edit] Book Of Swords

Sample picture from book

A normal book but with hundreds of swords stored inside. The book when thrown at someone would be guaranteed to give multiple paper cuts and/or instant decapitation. To fit every sword ever made inside, the book would be a billion stories high and weigh ten trillion pounds. Smaller books could be made for single army use and only contain 5% of all swords ever made. A one-page version would be ideal for individual use being light enough to fit in a backpack and small enough to take as carry on luggage on a plane. Some swords are too dangerous for daily use and would be removed upon request.
These include
4. Four Sword
12. Nuke sword.
22. Pen sword (creates the mightier than self paradox).
30. Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords.
42. Meaning of Life Sword.
64. Gunblade shooting Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords.
69. Sword of Infinite Sexiness
82. Ham Blade of Doom
130. Nuke Katana.
143. Hydrogen Sword.
150. Sword with doomsday device as handle.
190. Concrete Donkey Sword.
191-205 Swords that include cows.
240. Gunblade shooting Nuclear Missile Filled with ninjas using Gunblades shooting Nuclear Missile Filled with Swords.
279-19321. These all involve swords made of books of swords and/or cheese, except for...
420. Sword of Major WHOA MY HANDS ARE HUGE
56748-87334. These are all swords made primarily of pie.
68933. Earth Sword (Sword with the Earth as the point).
99997. Sword eating sword.
99999. Ultima Weapon
100000. Sword With Vegeta As The Blade.

[edit] Infinitely Sharp Sword

A sword sharpened by someone for many years. This sword is so sharp that it cuts the air around it. Just put an oxygen tank on and enter a small building and suffocate your enemies. If it wasn't for the hilt, when you dropped this sword it would cut clean through the earth and come out the other side, where gravity would reverse and it would fall back and stab you in the unmentionables. This sword is not to be mistaken with the "More Infinitely sharpened sword" which cuts atoms. You know what happens when you split an atom right? This property makes it similar to the "Nuke Sword" only less obvious to customs. It is also not to be confused with the "Infantly Sharpened Sword" which was indeed made by babies.

While the process of sharpening swords to infinaty may seem like a good idea, there is one bad thing about it. It's booooooring!!!!! Lazy mathematical smiths, however, found a way to make this wepon of mass destruction much faster. Here are the steps: - You take any average sharpened sword - You make a sword which is not sharp at all. Seriously, if it even has a remote view of being sharp, you have to start over again - Now, the fun part: You divide the average sword by the not sharp sword. You all know what do you get if you divide a number by zero? Infinaty! Well, now you replace numbers by swords, and you divide a sword with sharpness = x by a sword with sharpness = 0, you will get a infinately sharp sword! Just please, don't do it at home!

[edit] The Ancient Bone Saber of Zuma-Kalis

A mighty weapon, known to be the only tool in existence that can even hope to slay the Universal Remonster.

[edit] Spiked hula hoop

Ultra deadly weapon. Operated by GYRATING, (MORON) one(')s hips the Spiked hula hoop has spikes along the outside and for people who can't do hula then theres also one with handles large and small swords

[edit] Sword with AIDS on it

Self-explanatory. You get cut, you get the fun monkey disease.

[edit] Chainsaw that shoots flaming Kodiak bears

like the name says this chainsaw has been modified to shoot flaming Kodiak bears

[edit] Fucking Swords

Literally! You slash and the opponent gets laid and (probably) has an orgasm. Then just use any other weapon on this list to finish them

[edit] Nunchucks

Off the topic of swords but still awsome. Originally invented by Bruce Lee... but he named them after Chuck Norris.

[edit] Quadchuck

Several thousand years ago, a small band of ninjas, proficient with standard Nunchucks, grew weary of this fairly 2-dimensional weapon, and decided to combine 2 nunchuck pairs to create the fabled quadchuck (which succeeded in being a more 4D weapon... as the name would probably suggest). Basically the quadchuck is infact 4 nunchuck ends, linked with chains to a centre-point. This is an extremely difficult weapon to use, and is favoured more by monkeys and other simeans who can use their feet to grab the other 2 ends. But a few humans are actually able to harness it's awesome power, although no-one exactly knows who, because as soon as you see a person using them, you become instantly dead... which isn't good. Another small note; after many scientific tests, ninja-scientists determined that quadchucks are actually 7times more awesome than normal nunchucks, thats right, 7, not 2 or 4 like you might think.

[edit] Nunchuck gun

“How many guns can a nunchuck chuck, if a nunchuck could chuck guns?”

~ Oscar Wilde

So what is a nunchuck gun? To be honest, I have no idea. But I have a theory.....

A nunchuck is commonly two sticks, connected by chain. By gripping one stick, and swinging, you can whack someone several inches further away than normal.

By applying a gun to one of the sticks (thanks to some duct tape, or at the very least a duck), you have 2 options for combat- you can hold the gun, allowing you to whack someone and then shoot them, or you can hold the other stick, and whack someone with the gun, causing more damage. (NOTE- the second way can cause the weapon to discharge. However, this is rarely dangerous, since you should be expecting the gun to fire, while actually being hit by the bullet is insignificant. See guns for more details)

Tests with other varients of the nunchuck gun, including the nunchuck rifle, nunchuck minigun, nunchuck bazooka and nunchuck WMD, have been less than perfect, although the nunchuck howitzer is popular in Norway.

Scientists in the field are currently in the development stages of creating a more powerful gun shooting Swordchucks that one scientist stated would "blow the bitch-ass off" the nunchuck gun. The scientist then asked why he is forced to work in a field.

According to Dangeresque, nunchuck guns can be bought at Cool Weapons Surplus, and go great with a Reesy Cup milkshake.

[edit] Gunchucks

This is a dangerous weapon, a hybrid of normal guns and nunchucks. To elaborate, it is two guns held together by chain or, in the case of very large guns, jumprope. Gunchucks are considered much more deadly than normal nunchucks, as being shot is the leading cause of death among people with organs.

Many variants on gunchucks are known to exist, each one using a different kind of gun. The most popular variants are gunbladechucks, shotgunchucks, and flamethrowerchucks.

The Shotgunchuck is favoured by modern ninjas who just want to become nigh unstoppable at short range combat, although it's rare to see one used as the sheer sight of a Shotgunchuck is enough to bring a man to his knees due to fear. When two Shotgunchuck-wielding ninjas engage in combat the results are spectacular. the first such occurrence happened when the creator of the Shotgunchuck Sokkittuim-Sama fought his life long apprentice Shaominoto Krakyaskul. It has been told that the intense battle (whoever said "1000 times better then Chuck Norris" will be raped with said gunchucks) could be heard from hundreds of miles away and was thought to have destroyed the original Statue Of Liberty.

Another powerful form of the Gunchuck is the Magnumchuck. As the name subtley suggests, this is basically a Gunchuck but with two big-ass .40 cal magnums, used mostly with ninjas who immigrated to the wild west. This immigration allowed these ninjas to develop new and advanced methods of kick-assery so they could return to their native land and end the Ninja Civil War. The discovery of the Magnumchuck happened almost by accident, when a ninja (the original creator is disputed amongst historians, so we don't name names to keep everyone happy) reached for his nunchucks but instead drew a magnum. He then fused magnums to each end of a chain to create the Magnumchuck. It's used by the majority of Cowboy-Ninjas (easily identifiable by their black 10 gallon hats and blood soaked spurs) who favour it due it's massive long range damage and it's even massiver short range damage (seriously, do you wanna get pistol-whipped by one of those?).

[edit] Bananachucks

Very evil and gruesome weapons. The Bananachuck are two bananas attached by a chain at the top. Once hit the nunchucks will most probably break but they are cheap so we do not care. But the reason these are dangerous is because as soon as the opponent is hit a hoard of rabid monkeys from New York will attack him and most likely kill him in the process. This weapon is rated PG-13 by the movie association of America : )

[edit] Chainsaw nunchucks

(See Dr. Mcninja.com.) 2 chainsaws connected by a chain. This is perhaps one of the most powerful chuck-weapons in existance, and can thus only be wielded by an Überninja. Or possibly Chuck Norris. [2]

[edit] Nemesischuck

Thats right, sometime during 2003 everyone's favourite BOW and Resident Evil Character was developed into a deadly, and fairly kickass, nunchuck. To cut a long story short, the nemesis was shrank, cloned, solidified using PVA glue, and then the original and the clone were chained together to form this orgasmically bad-looking monstrosity of sweetness. Not much is really known about this weapon as only one exists, but what little is known is kept in a secret vault somewhere. Not much is known about this vault, but what little is known is kept in another vault somewhere else... please note that nemesis is the only creature powerful enough to wield this crazy shit, so don't even try... don't go there... seriously dont...

“Seriously, don't...”

~ Oscar Wilde

[edit] Popechucks

Two papal hats chained together. They each contain a midget and a laser turret, and the rims are circular swords. The midgets also are minjas.

[edit] Dinochucks

Two pissed off dinosaurs. Why are they pissed? They are connected by chains through the ass. Keep them well fed by swinging them into your enemy's face. Do not let near your ass, or they will bite it off. They were used by Cthulu in the battle of Bunker Hill, in which he won in an epic battle against Zombie Jesus.

[edit] Weaselchucks

These, in essence, are dinochucks, but with rabid weasels. These were used by the Native American Chief, Crazy horse, in an epic battle against General George Custer while he was in the band, KISS. This is known as Custer's last band.

[edit] Fetuschucks

Two stillborn children attached by the umbilical cords. First used in the 336 BC by the Tafaho Indians.

[edit] Chuck-Wood-chuks

Two pieces of wood with a chain linking them. Different from regualar nunchuks in that it's made of the rare wood of the Norris tree. A single hit from a Chuck-Wood-chuck will result in paralysis, an forceful enema, and erectile dysfunction while in the vicinity of hot naked Brazillian dancers. In that order.

[edit] Brickchucks

A brick chained to another brick. Who wouldn't want a brick? People who want Brickchucks!

[edit] Photo Gallery

Nun-chucks with actual nuns - At least they named this one right.

Chuckchuks - Double-chuckin' action with Chuck Norris chuks. Deadly as hell.

Jesus-chucks - Two jesii for ultimate pain. Ouch.

Shotgunchucks - A standard pair of Shotgunchucks, Point away from eyes and squishy parts.

[edit] Semi-Melee Weapons (Gun-Melee Hybrids)

[edit] Rocket-propelled chainsaw

A chainsaw with a rocket engine is fired out of a rocket launcher, causing execcisve pain with the cutting and exploding combined.

[edit] Forkgun

Gun with a fork. Oh wait, that really does exist. Whoops.

[edit] Keygun

Gun with a key. Dang, this exists too. I can't win.

[edit] Sparta Gun

Shoots out Spartans with swords. Or triple-layer chocolate cake.

[edit] Lasergun

Yes...A lasergun...Okay...Not a lazergun. Due to the budgetcuts it's a toothpick. If you use this toothpick right....and pray to jesus, leave Santa cookies on the 4th of july, and say pirate in the presence of a ninja(You must do this last step for it to work..) It will assure a deadly(yet somewhat satisfying)clean mouth.

[edit] Triple Barrelled Fusion Powered Laser Guided Money Activated Sword-Chuck Weilding Ninja Cannon

fires three ninjas with SwordChucks. the rest just sounds nice, but doesn't do anything.

[edit] Other Weapons

[edit] Wristwatch Switchblade

Not to be confused with the wristwatch, the switchblade version is powerful, sharp, and cool looking. Face it, if it were real, it would totally pwn j00 n00b. It's a very stealthy weapon. The blade shoots out of the watch when you set the time to 12:00 p.m. It can be set to come out the left, right, front, back, top, and very very rarely, the bottom of the watch. Upon coming out of the bottom it stabs right through the wearers wrist. When it comes out any other way, it can be used in combat. To put it away, simply set it for a different time.

• In no way is this related to the iPod switchblade, because I don't want Steve Ballmer to fucking kill(TM) me*

Those of a fashion-concious disposition may prefer the Swatchblade(tm) version.

[edit] Bracer graters

Would you like some freshly grated pain with that? Your traditional bracers comprise a single strap of leather - or, if you're really lucky, a bit of tin. Well, why not increase the offensive power of your wrists with the sizzling sting of the cheese grater? Simply select the size and shape of your grating holes according to the skin type of your opponent (be he Chinese, Nepalese, Turkish or crocodile) and jump right in. Impenetratable to all other weapons (except knitting needles and BBs).

[edit] Super Heavy Self-impulsed Hammer & Ax or Spike

It is like that hammer in super smash bros except it could be a simple hammer or it could have an axe of spike on the other side really deadly

[edit] Double-sided folding chair

GIT 'IM WIT THE CHAIR! This is the weapon Darth Maul would use if he was a professional wrestler. Oh sure, you just laid the smackdown on your opponent, but you know his grappler buddies are right behind you, fixing to hit their finishers on you while the ref ain't looking. What do you do? You get a double-sided folding chair (which can be made by taping two folding chairs together) and hit both guys so hard that they forget it's fake. In the picture on the right is Darth Maul fixing to get Rene Dupree back after the French retard knocked him out of the Royal Rumble with a cheep shot. Based on Darth's facial expression, the result was less then pretty. However, the crowd loved it, and it caused HUGE amounts of PAIN! It's entirely possible this shouldn't be on the list any more. Steve Ballmer may have made use of such a weapon in the opening shots of the GoogleSoft War.

[edit] Feather of Death

Quite simply, it's a feather. Nobody ever expects a feather to kill them, unless they are a Goomba and Mario is in the vicinity. There is some debate as to whether or not the feather of death actually exists, as there are various references to it in Renaissance era literature, and it even appears in a notable painting by Albrecht Dürer. Most statisticians agree, however, that things in paintings are only 12% more likely to exist than things that aren't in paintings, and things in Renaissance era literature are actually 26% less likely to exist, thus the Feather retains its place on this list. The theoretical functionality of the Feather of Death is also hotly debated, some claiming that the suffix "of Death" alone would be sufficient to make the feather deadly, while others argue that the feather gets its potency from harmful substances such as mercury which would be renewed each time before the application of the feather to the victim. Theories about how the Feathers of death were actually used are clearly bunk. One stipulates that it was typically dropped in mid air with hope that the wind will carry it towards the enemy. Others strongly disagree with this and maintain that it was used to stuff pillows of death. Use of normal feathers were numerous in torture, and the feather of death may have been used to strike the final blow to the prisoner by tickling his bladder.

[edit] Lance with a brick on the end

The brick guarantees you will win each time. Until the other guy gets one. The lance was designed to kill by poking, but this rarely happened even at the peak of lance usage. Lances don't penetrate armor very well, so what's the point of jousting with one? Instead, put a brick on the end, and have your horse charge. (Note: if you do not have a horse, then hold this weapon up and wait for an idiot with a horse to charge into it.) The impact will devastate. Upgrading a lance may, however, result in the opponent noticing it and doing the same at the next joust. That's why it is crucial to kill him, or to upgrade one step further than the rival. Here is the list of lance upgrades in efficiency order bare lance lance with brick on the end (Adds reach, crushes enemy knight) lance with two bricks on the end (Crushes brick, enemy knight) lance with bluefin tuna on the end (Oil separates bricks, causes enemy knight to fall off due to excess lubrication) lance with cat tied on the end (Cat pounces on tuna, helmet of enemy knight) lance with bulldog tied on the end (Bulldog eats cat, enemy knight) lance with bear tied on the end (Bear kills bulldog, then eats enemy knight) lance with bear tied to another bear tied to the lance(Bears team up on enemy bear, then enemy knight) lance with a lance tied to it (lances extended reach stabs through both bears and enemy knight) lance with turtle tied to the end (turtle's round shell deflects pointed lance, lance stabbes into enemy knight) lance with aligator tied to the end (gator eats turtle, broken shell shards impale enemy knight) bare lance (Point-ed end easily kills the aligator, stench induces enemy vomiting) But here's where it gets tricky. A lance with two bricks on the end can easily take a lance with a bulldog on the end, for instance.

[edit] Two-Handed Pencil

A pencil, so HUGE that it must be wielded with two hands. Any less, you will drop it, likely causing excruciating pain to your foot. Any more, and a grue will eat you. And as everyone knows, the pen (or pencil) is always more powerful than the sword.

[edit] Razor-tipped gloves

Especially useful against hemophiliacs Sharp Fingers McGee's weapon of choice, razor tipped gloves simplify the whole "prod someone and they die" to "touch someone and they die". And that's not even taking into consideration how badass these things are. Just claw someone and they're in severe pain, and yet they have a smooth clean face no woman can resist. How badass is that? They're so badass, they make Freddy Krueger look like a giant pussy by comparison. On the contrary, the hazards of scratching one's bottom with this would not to be underestimated.

Preferred weapon of people that are "scene" and emos.

[edit] Self-adhesive, chloroform-filled plastic bag

Snatch was an awesome movie. One of the coolest things about it was Brick Top's preferred method of killin' people: "Taser, plastic bag, roll of duct tape." Although this method of murder is extremely cold-blooded and kick-ass, it requires carrying a lot of equipment around. Tasers are heavy and expensive, and duct tape is bulky. Plus, if you're caught with all three in your possession at once, people will get suspicious. And tasers tend to set off metal detectors, so they're hard to get into high-security areas (unless they're disguised as cell phones or something).

A self-adhesive, chloroform-filled plastic bag would solve these problems while retaining the awesomeness factor. Instead of zapping your target with the taser, then putting the plastic bag over their head, then duct-taping an airtight seal around their neck, the whole operation is reduced to one step: pull the bag over your victim's head (preferably from behind to minimize initial resistance). The chloroform will kick in, knocking your mark out, and the edge of the bag will stick to the victim's neck, forming that all-important airtight seal to suffocate the victim to death. Fingerprint-resistant plastic bag available, for an extra charge.

[edit] Nerf-stick of Oblivion

Created in an attempt to tame the awesomeness of Oscar Wilde the Nerf-stick transforms anything it hits into its harmless nerf equivalent. The attempt was unsuccessful however as it was discovered that the nerf equivalent of Wilde was just as awesome as Wilde himself, due to the principle of Conservation of Awesome

The nerf-stick is currently in the possession of the criminal mastermind Shadow Atlan

[edit] Toxic boxing gloves

Don't even go there.

Don't ask. Some things are better left that way. In fact, most of the weapons shown on this page should be left alone. Really. I mean it. Don't go saying I didn't warn you, because I did. Good luck typing with these things on.

[edit] Napalm-filled balloon on a stick

This is a very easy way to surprise people. All you have to do is swing the stick at them (or throw the balloon if you can't break the balloon with melee attacks, pansy) and watch as they catch fire! Note that there may be some drawbacks in that you may catch fire yourself. This can be averted as mentioned before by throwing the balloon. However, there's better ways of doing that (see Acid Balloon)

[edit] Slaxe

Like a Swiss Army Knife, only ouchier.

If you really need to ask why this is so awesome, you need professional help.

The Slaxe is just pure awesomeness and that's all there is to it. It's a sword, lance, and axe all in one. You can block, blunt-smash, chop, hack, lunge, nudge, rake, slash, smack, smash, spear, stab, thrash and throw anything with it. Actually, the only thing you can't do with it is cook hot dogs over an open fire. And they cook faster and taste better this way too. Yes cook all your foods with the utterly 9wn4ge slaxe, cuisine cooker from heaven, and the best friggin weapon too!

[edit] Slaxield

This may not come as a surprise, but there is also a variant of the above mentioned "Slaxe" that may be even more useful. The slaxield, as one might guess, is a fusion of a sword, an axe, and a lance, now with a newly added and quite useful shield attachment. The shield is also detachable, and can be replaced with other shields, such as a mirror shield, for blocking magic attacks; and a spiky shield. Once the shield is detached, other attachments can be implemented as well, such as a cooking rack for cooking hot dogs over an open fire, and the all-popular lawn mowing/village raiding attachment (sold seperately, and banned in 7 countries, see your legal advisor). Keep out of reach of small children; If someone under the age of ten gets ahold of a slaxield, the opponent is screwed and not entitled to any money.

[edit] Slaxechucks

The sheer coolness of this weapon prevents it from ever being made. Several have tried, and their heads have all a sploded out of sheer amazement during the prototype stage. The only prototype still in existence belongs to Chuck Norris, and not even he is awesome enough to use them without thick leather gloves. You can cook hotdogs over an open fire with it, but I wouldnt try it.

[edit] Slacks

As menswear, slacks occupy the nebulous middle ground between trousers and pants. As a melee weapon, only slacks feature the permanent crease and debonair flare that guarantee deadly effectiveness in close-order combat. Polyester-doubleknit slacks are preferred for modern combat, as their crease has been shown to hold a cutting edge almost indefinitely, due to the unique "micro-serration" created by the polyester strands produced under doubleknitting conditions. In 1978, regulation leg flare was officially restricted to 32 cm, or a maximum of 72 cm circumference, as the so-called "pimp-flare" could decapitate an opponent before the match had begun. Sans-a-belt manufactures the professional-quality slacks sanctioned by the World Ultimate Trouser Fighting Federation; however, JC Penney and Montgomery Ward offer affordable alternatives, which can be worn with belts. European trouser fighters have had some success with Selfridges.

[edit] Spork Sword (Aka Spord)

As the name may imply, you can now look forward to dispatching your most despised enemies with what may remind you of your favorite cafeteria utensil, the spork. Weighing at a mere 17 pounds; 8 feet long with detachable limbs, this instrument of war is not unknown for the utter destruction it has caused at the hands of angry and hungry individuals alike. It may be best known for its usage by King Leonidas of the Spartans in the Great War of Waffles, where many a Greek felt the sting of the Spord's hot steel in their backs. Citation Needed The Spord comes in several different colors, including hot pink; chartreuse; lavender and mauve; except plaid, because that's just silly.

[edit] Instruments of War

A combination of a weapon and a musical instrument designed for maximum rockin' and asskickin'. Most famous for their use in ELotH:TES as tools of the Warrior Bards. Strong Bad's KeySwordTar is sometimes believed to be one, but its hybrid instrument nature disqualifies it.

[edit] Flail-Toed Boots

There is no such weapon that is as medievally badass as this. The high kick will knock back their head, the huge spiked ball coming up from under the foot will crush their jaw, puncture their jugular, and make their brains come out of their ears. Unfortunately, the inertia of the weapon coming up after crushing someone's under-skull will likely kill the weilder's foot. There is also the matter of being strong enough to perform a kick with a huge 30-pound spiked ball attached to their foot, so only the most amazing, holiest people that are of sufficient medieval badass caliber would even think to use this awesome weapon.

[edit] Boot Flail

Somewhat comparable to the above mentioned flail-toed boots, except it consists of a rope or chain with a boot at the end. Not especially known to be very useful, but they do exist. It may be noted that, though not yet attempted, it is possible to wield a pair of flail toed boots linked to another pair of flail toed boots which may in fact be linked to an actual flail, or a couple ninjas. Other variations may include:

• Rat Flail
• Cat Flail
• Pope Flail
• Ninja Flail
• WMD Flail
• Slaxe Flail
• Slaxield Flail
• Slaxield Flail Flail
• Slaxield Flail Flail Flail Flail Flail
• And so on...

[edit] War Defibrillator

An excellent assassination or ambush weapon, as all you have to do is place the paddles on the victim, shout "CLEAR!!", and the defibrillator will do the rest! Extremely deadly, and therefore has not been tested. As long as you don't use it twice, or you might stop the victim's heart, only to start it again (possibly).

[edit] Mousetrap On A Stick

An excellent weapon for those close range sneak attacks. Quite favorable for ball snatching as well as anti-mouse hand to paw combat. Also has unexplored applications in nipple attacks as well as rat trap on a stick among others. Slow re-load time and it can be a real bitch to get the cheese to stay on sometimes.

[edit] Dragon Longsword

how the hell is this made?! Dragonskin?!

[edit] Nuclear barbecue sausage on a stick

A deadly nuclear barbecued sausage sent from the darkest pit of hell. Eating this will disolve your tongue, then your whole body, then burn a hole into Earth and create an immense nuclear reaction in the planet's core.

[edit] Plasma Toaster

A toaster made by replacing the heating elements with plasma swords (use light-sabers, you also may, but only if ask Yoda, you do), this generates an obscene amount of heat, and will automatically slice your toast/bagel for you, it will also kill any n00bs who get too close. There are only two known plasma toasters in existance, one is owned by Master Chief and one is owned by Jesus who as the butler to Chuck Norris makes him his cosmic bagel with dead baby cream cheese every morning. It was designed by Oscar Wilde.

[edit] Thermonuclear Pop-Tart

A pop tart made in a plasma toaster, when the pop tart is broken open/bitten into (God forbid) this synthetic pastry will release such a wave of sugary, gooey, firey, death that anyone eating breakfast within twenty miles will spontaneously combust, the tart itself will burn a rift in space and release a torrent of delicious filling at such a temperature that it is similar to hot magma, but tastier. This, sadly, will turn the nearby area into a barren and delicious wasteland. Unless its a cinnamon and brown sugar pop-tart.

It is often used by Ninjas and all sub-classes of Ninja therof to assassinate assholes and politicians, who are the same thing. This is especially deadly, as the tart will, once heated, stay hot forever, and is indistinguishible from a normal pop-tart. The only known people to have survived consuming a Thermonuclear Pop-Tart are Mr. C. Norris (see God) and Oscar Wilde, while he was testing his Plasma Toaster. When a Toaster Strudel is substituted, this can cause even more deadly results, as the Toaster Strudel is the one kids want to eat. It has been theorized that by drawing the icing on the strudel in a pentagram, with the correct ancient runes, a gate to Hell or even Congress can be opened, and by slicing the strudel with a silver dagger to release the filling, one might flood Hell, or even Congress with skin-boiling and fruity filling, of death.

[edit] Spiked Dildo (anal Deterrent)

A seemingly harmless dildo until you put in in your orifices in your body than the spikes come out and leave you hurt, and you'll never score again. Ouch

[edit] Staff of Chuck Summoning

The unique item that can summon the world's most powerful monster: Chuck Norris. Effects:

When hitting something, the foe will receive a roundhouse kick to the face, making him fly off to Venus (a mysterious planet populated by Ninja Pirates)

If you say pow while pointing at something, it will instantly asplode

It is the only weapon that can harm George Dubya Bush

Warning, you must be level 1337 or higher to wield this grand weapon. You must also have a total number of hours played on warcraft equal to the number of hairs on Chuck Norris' beard. You must then drop a prayer to Buddha and Joe the Ninja Pirate, and sacrifice a virgin atop of N00b mountain while chanting various demonic songs, preferably from such singers and groups as Coldplay, Celine Dion or Fallout Boy (warning, may cause your brain to melt).

[edit] Lightchainsaw

More effective then the lightsaber (sadly), yet, not thought of... common bellief is that it will be used when the jedi have to fight sith zombies.

[edit] Lightchainsaw-chuck

When a jedi has to fight more than one sith zombie at a time.

[edit] Marijuana-Sword

Seriously, think about it, you slash the enemy and BANG they're so high they can't fight.Useful for emos too.

[edit] Gravity-Defying Knives

Dangerous in that it can slice through gravity itself and cause your enemy's blood to slowly drift upwards into their own nostrils, suffocating them on their own blood. It can also be used as throwing knives but then it would continually travel in one direction, break through the barriers of time and space, and eventually stab you in the back. Eleventy billion years later.

[edit] Bomberang

The bomberang is a bomb shaped like a boomerang by the finest mathematical Aborigine minds of the 19th century that is still in use today. The bomberang is simply thrown at the target as if it were a boomerang, and on contact, or at the end of its short fuse, asplodes. If you miss, it will come back to you for another try.

[edit] Can of Whoopass™

A simple metal can labeled "Whoopass™" in red letters. There are four different kinds of Whoopass™; 'Regular'; 'Super'; 'Pwnage'; and 'Junior', for a weaker ass-whoopin'. For the 'Junior' kind, Sailor Moon jumps out, and does all her little girly stuff. WARNING : for people under 10 years of age ONLY. Otherwise, your plan will backfire, and you'll get pwned. For the 'Regular' kind, Stevie Wonder comes out and shoots you with his eye beams, along with other stuff if he feels like it. For the 'Super' kind, Chuck Norris comes out and whoops your ass so bad, he makes full-grown men run home and cry. And finally, for the 'Pwnage' variety, Mr. T jumps out and pities you into oblivion. And if that doesn't work, he'll pwn your ass in a split second. Oh, my god, if you get your ass whooped by Mr. T, it'll be the last memory you'll ever have (he beats you until you have Alzheimer's). However, he doesn't kill you. He pities da foo' that kills people, because he thinks that ends your suffering too early, so he likes to beat you to near-death, and then he'll stop so that you can live with all the ouchy and pity.

[edit] Muffin

this a small, fluffy Cake. it is left in an exposed position near the enemy encampment. an enemy will attempt to eat it, and as soon as it touches his lips, its immense Gluten-Free dry powderyness leaps down his windpipe and eats him alive from the inside out. The Muffin's true effectiveness has been questioned ever since it was discovered that :"The Cake Is A Lie", thus causing Cupcakes to be "Small Lies", thus causing Muffins to be "Small Lies" as well since they are very similar to Cupcakes.