List of real life hacks and cheat codes
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The first real life hacks and cheat codes were created by the Jesii to make life easier for them. However, due to the recent rise of terrorism, they have decided to share them among the world population.
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[edit] Disclaimer
You, the reader, must agree that this disclaimer disclaims whatever it is to be disclaimed in a disclaimable way. In other words, try these hacks and cheats at your own risk. You never know - they might just work. Wrongly.
[edit] Useful hacks and cheats
Before attempting these cheats, you must first bring down the console (if you are not sure how to do this, you should stop reading now) and type [/spakbo] to activate the cheat mode. If successful, it will bring up a confirmation message. You can try the following:
- Increase Sympathy Meter - Remove undominant hand, and points from your dexterity meter will now be on your sympathy meter
- Reset Life - Hold down belly button for 10 seconds (must be exactly 10 seconds, may need an atomic clock)
- Reset All Reality - Find the really big red button, somewhere on the internet.(ignore do not press warning)
- Night vision: Hold down the select button for ten seconds, and then type in the amount of time in seconds that you want the cheat to last. If done successfully, you will be able to see in the dark for the alloted time. Just remember that you can't turn it off, so if someone shines a flashlight at your face, you're screwed.
- Code vision: Tap the triangle button twenty-three times to enable, and press the Z key to toggle on/off. Allows you to see the world as it really is, in the form of a black void filled with countless trillions upon trillions of shiny green symbols and numbers that make no sense. However, at the same time you can see people and certain items through walls, but it's debatable as to whether this is better than regular X-ray vision. For example, you can't really see where walls and other direct obstacles are, so avoid utilizing code vision in jumping puzzles.
[edit] Dangerous hacks and cheats
Warning. Try these at your own risk, maybe don't try them at all.
- Invincibility - Jump out of the window of a tall building to activate this.
- Suicide - Jesus always kept this one handy. Stick your head in an incinerator to activate.
- Infinite lives - Shove cats up your ass; each cat gives you 9 more lives.
- Flaming Skull mode - Eat poprocks, then drink a load of coke.
- Ultimate Destruction of The Universe - Keep destroying trees and smoke, kitten huffing works.
- Massive Speed Boost with wheelchair - Throw a grenade into your boost compartment and fly. Use with care, you will get stuck in a barrel.
- Release Chuck Norris - Refer to Ultimate Destruction of the Universe.
- Exploding Heads - Instead of using grenade for boost, insert grenade into sleeping child's mouth, pull pin, run and watch the fun, warning, messy, use tarp.
- Unlimited Ammo - Insert loaded firearm of your choice into your mouth and pull the trigger. It also works with the mouths of other people,though doing this exponentially increases the number of enemies after you.
[edit] Forbidden hacks and cheats
These are for use during crises only. That includes the rise of terrorism. So you can use them.
- Take over the internet - Click here to activate. If someone uses this, not you, enter the Matrix.
- Destroy Earth - Hit the big red button on the back of your PC and run like hell.
- The BFG (2007 ed.)- This is a big fucking gun. I mean a really fucking big gun. To get it, break a porcelain salamander with a slingshot on a Tuesday. (2007 ed. includes optional Bond gadgetry such as a robot gopher and laser-ninja-chucks)
- The Spam trigger- This can Kill the world population. Now that you have read this message, you have to copy this on 5 different places or else...
- Automatic Win - If you use this cheat you win automatically, you can now do anything you want or go back and start again but with all the stuff you have now.
- Lots of guns - Type "loaded" into the console. This spawns a gigantic rack of guns and high-yield explosives next to you. Somebody who uses this could do quite a lot of damage, so make sure there's no alternative. Also keep in mind that even if you're a good guy, the national guard will probably be after you.
- Freeze non-player characters - Type "d_npcfreeze 1" into the console. This is useful for getting out of bad situations that may be caused by use of other cheats. Remember that this doesn't freeze time itself, so you can't stop avalanches or other shit like that.
If one of these cheats have been used, you can use this one to reverse it (And possibly go back in time and sleep with Some Guy.)
- Rewind time - Run backwards, really fast. You may need to use the superspeed or Superman cheat to pull this off. If you're handicapped, use Massive Speed Boost with wheelchair.
- Kill NPCs - Type "npc kill" followed by the name or designation of the target NPC. One should note that if you don't put a name in after it then the cheat actually kills everyone in the world except for the person that uses it. If you kill somebody or everybody by accident, then press Ctrl+Z to undo the kill.
[edit] Real world glitches
When the Jesii created the cheats, some certain loopholes were produced. These can be exploited to produce rather strange, humourous, or shocking effects.
- Negative colours - Punch a mirror wearing a pink boxing glove and you'll find a big black hole. Walk into it and everything will be negative colours. This may be, in fact, an alternate universe(albeit a very boring one).
- Negative friction - This glitch can cause extreme chaos, which of course, everyone loves so much. Take a sticky note, write "Kick me" on it, and stick it on Tony Blair's back. Then everything won't be able to stop moving and accelerating. Can cause some real damage.
- Terrain glitch - There is a hole in the world behind the White House. Grab some form of automatic weaponry and run behind the White House shooting in the air. The security guards will shoot at you, the world will go black, and you are now under the world. Welcome to hell, bitch.
- Universal sex swap - This one is quite tricky to carry out. If you are male, then sneak into your wife's, mother's or sister's room and snatch a bra. If you are female, then sneak into your husband's, father's or brother's room and snatch a pair of Y-fronts. Put them on, and say this word exactly as typed: "azopoigpobfuckuakbhafshit". Then, everyone in the entire world will change into their opposite sexes. Beware of the risk of rejection, being dumped or divorce. Best combined with the Suicide cheat afterwards.
- Everybody hates you - Go into a full elevator and fart, everyone will start attacking you, can only be turned off by jumping off a cliff or using the suicide cheat.
- Glitch City-Say:<<Hello,world!>>and you will get teleported to a virtual city and get stuck there forever. Must be said the exact way it was spelled and punctuated.
- Horny Sex - Go into the local strip club and find a toilet with a person of the opposite gender in it, next press up, down, left then right to enter (or just enter anyway) then enjoy the rest of the night with a smexy woman/man watching Barney the Dinosaur!
- Showering - Stop showering midway through and run outside, you will catch glimpses of code as reality does not have enough time to reload everything straight away. Only works if you leave shower running and don't pause to grab a towel or any clothes.(Other funny showering glitch - try and have shower while clothed and no water will come out)
- Automatic win in sports. Simple: Get David Stern's phone number and you'll win any game.
- Inside out people and animals - Get some scissors and cut your ulvua off. (The hanging ball thing at the back of your throat) This will invert everyone/things bodies and cause absolute chaos! MWAHAHAHAHA! For some reason this glitch won't work on gay men, anyone 42, Schnauzers, me, or Swedish people.
There is believed to be more cheats, hacks and glitches in the world which are yet to be discovered. If you do happen to find one, make sure to take your anti-death pills.
