List of weapons that don't exist, and shouldn't
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This is a list of a few weapons that have never been made, where said state of affairs is A Good Thing.
[edit] Rocket-Propelled Eiffel Tower
Seriously, what if the French attached rockets to the Eiffel Tower and launched it at us? That could be dangerous! The U.N. should really look into it rather than whining about who does and doesn't have WMDs.
[edit] Emoizer
A sinister ray that blasts a deppression wave, instantaniosly converting you to an emo.
[edit] Jet-Propelled NAAFI
A British cold war concept. The idea being that if it were to land near the British army it would be a massive morale booster and if it were to land near any other army it would cause a massive outbreak of the squits after the foolish enemies ate the food or drank the tea.
[edit] Gun That Shoots Clones of Ted Kennedy
Imagine the horror of an army of puffy-faced Ted Kennedys. Can you picture a legion of drunken senators constantly repeating "Er ah, er ah," slowly driving you insane with their Boston accents? Now you understand why Lithuania cancelled it.
[edit] Gun That Shoots Tony Blair
The Guns that shoot Tony Blairs program was originally incepted by BAE systems as a gun capable of shooting both Presidents and Prime Ministers. Early field testing in the US of the John F. Kennedy loading model brought a number of design flaws to light, most notably a failure in top down communication of the initial concept. The gun had wrongly been designed to shoot at Kennedy, resulting in the launching a of 19" calibre high velocity, cyanide tipped Parker Knoll Powered Recliner right into his head. Bam!! Not even Mr. Wolf is going to clean that mess out of the seats!
As a weapon the T. Blair has proved frighteningly effective in its deployment against its creators. During the last nine years it has managed to mire the United Kingdom in at least two unwinnable wars, spend billions on useless IT projects and is planning to enslave all UK citizens with I.D cards which will be implanted within the frontal lobes and enable wide spread mind-control of the population. To date no known anti-Blair weapon has proved in the least votable for, the latest under development, a self-fellating, smarm offensive weapon codenamed 'Call me Dave' is said to bear a remarkable resemblance to the T. Blair round and does not inspire confidence.
[edit] Punxsutawney Phil Stuffed With Dynamite
What's that, Punxsutawney Phil? You say there's six more weeks of winter? Wait, I can't hear you, let me hold you up closer....
KABOOM!!!
[edit] Super-Explosive-Adreniline-Pwning-XTreme-Michael Bay-Slow motion exploding-Bomb
A bomb that has a blast radius around the size of Fat Man and Little Boy combined, only instead of just killing its targets outright, it warps the fabric of reality within the blast zone, resulting in an environment similar to that of a Michael Bay film. It was designed by top american scientists such as Larry the Cable Guy and Pat Robertson, and is believed to work on the principle of Bat fuck insane. It has been speculated that the fallout from use of such a device would greatly increase the speed of mankind's decent into stupidity, as well as result in such a massive Existential crisis that those who remained unharmed by the device would gather into one large herd and begin reading Ayn Rand novels compulsively, forever spouting psuedo-intellectual babble about the Virtue of Selfishness and how "A equals A".
[edit] The Neutron Bomb
A bomb that makes every TV channel play Jimmy Neutron for all eternity. The human race is then left with no choice but to commit mass suicide.
[edit] The Pen
The ordinary common household pen. As is well known, the pen is mightier than the sword. Think about it. You're a medieval knight, riding along, minding your own business, and suddenly some freak jumps out of a dark alley brandishing a pen. That person could be a lawyer trying to sapeena.. subppeena.. subomatopoeia you, or worse, a government bureaucrat. You try to cut him down, to no avail, and he takes you write out of existence. It's better not to think about it (from now on, that is).
[edit] The Uranium Grenade
A standard WW2 metal grenade shell filled with weapons-grade enriched uranium. Pulling the pin and throwing it doesn't actually do much because it's far less than a critical mass. Nevertheless it is heavy as hell and hurts like a mother fucker if one hits you in the face. Excess bloody noses during the later stages of the war caused it to be banned under the Geneva Convention of 1947.
[edit] The Nucular Bomb
A bomb that detonates when the global average IQ has fallen below a set threshold.
[edit] Explosive Couch
A land mine cleverly disguised as a couch. When enough pressure is applied to the cushions, they explode, sending the victim flying into the air. No matter where placed, be it in a zombie apocalypse, jungle, desert, or even outer space, enemy soldiers will be attracted by the prospect of a nice place to sit.
[edit] Killer Bee Rifle
A modified M-1 rifle developed by the USA for use in the trenches and brothels of WW2. This weapon was the brainchild of the top scientists in West Virginia, who reasoned that God made bullets to only go in one direction, while bees were able to fly in multiple directions (a discovery that was highly controversial in that state). Knowing this, they dared to make a weapon that need only be fired in the general vicinity of the target; the ammunition would take care of the rest. During the testing stages, honey bees were used and the results were delicious disastrous. Despite official skepticism, the scientists pressed on and pushed for all the funding they could get, citing the fact that Rudolph Hitler was allergic to bees. Begrudgingly, Franklin Dysentery Roosevelt granted them the gold needed to perfect their technology, and the Killer Bee Rifle (KBR) was born.
The KBR works just like any other rifle, except that the shooter wears a protective glove which enables him to handle said Killer Bees. Each bee is loaded into the rifle one at a time, and is then immediately fired before it has a chance to realize what the hell is going on. Accuracy was non-crucial, as the bee would do the rest of the work (as soon as it got over the fact that it had just spiraled through a metal tube at 700 mph). Regardless, researchers did the best they could to make the projectile fly as straight as possible once it was shot out of the rifle. Tiny hats made of tinfoil were put on the heads of bees, but the results proved only mildly more effective and the process of making tinfoil helmets for thousands of bees was far too tedious (even for the army). One Staff Sergeant had this to say about the matter: "they look like little black and yellow tin men...creeps me the hell out."
The rate of fire was unfortunately painfully slow, though it was rumored that plans were drawn up to utilize a "drum clip", similar to that of the "Tommy Tutone gun." The idea was allegedly scratched when soldiers proved hesitant (read: too candy-assed) to hold a weapon that had a metal drum filled with pissed off killer bees. Ultimately, it's inefficiency and lack of effectiveness against German tanks doomed the KBR, forcing it to be destroyed (along with it's ammunition).
[edit] Wall and Toothpick
You put the toothpick under one of the target's toenails, point a gun at them and then threaten to shoot them unless they kick the wall.
[edit] Weapon of Ass Destruction
A large black dildo-shaped explosive device, armed once inserted into the enemy's anus. This weapon is hard to utilize effectively, and the most proven method of usage is by asking the enemy out to dinner and a movie, then requesting the enemy come back to place of residence for "coffee", then engaging in foreplay then BAM flop out the giant black dildo and proceed to destroy the enemies anus. Can be counteracted by KY jelly.
[edit] Gun that shoots you
This is the only known weapon that straddles the line between the weapons that shoot other weapons that don't exist, but should, and weapons that don't exist and shouldn't: It shoots other weapons, it doesn't exist, and we're better off this way. The gun literally shoots you at the target, requiring you to actually load yourself into the barrel, making it useless when used by you, and very useful in the hands of your enemies. While this means it should exist, since it gives everyone else in the world an advantage, we're all ourselves so no matter who's using it, nothing will happen.
[edit] iPod Cannon
A top secret weapon created by Apple in the mid-50's, this weapon basically launches iPods and may launch one or two stupid commercials with people in black with no face. The effect of this weapon can be devasting, especially if one of the iPods is full of Dragonforce songs... imagine how fast the cold war whould end with one of these babies
[edit] Carrot with a Face
The Carrot with a Face would have originated when Farmer Brown planted carrots. If it wasn't for a UN Peacekeeping Force his dog would have pissed radioactive urine all over those carrots. Causing these carrots to become horribly mutated and grow a face. The powers would be too horrible too describe...heck we'll tell you anyway. Other than the fact that if you say a word to it you get upchucked all over, eating it would cause you to become morbidly obese. Thank god the Terrorists didn't get ahold of it. Ahem.
[edit] A gun that shoots a tank that shoots a catapult that shoots a mall that shoots a gun that shoots a T.v. that shoots a flamethrower which shoots fire which shoots a google which shoots a puppy
this weapon makes the enemy slave for hours while trying to find out answers to anything on google.
