List of weapons that don't exist, but should/Firelegs
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From List of weapons that don't exist, but should
[edit] Greatest Non-Existing Weapon Ever Not Invented
[edit] Downy Launcher
A cannon that shoots out downies. Quite simple really, the hard part is containing the downies, as they move around aimlessly and spit acid at your eyes. Some may say that this "inhumane" weapon would be extremely inneffective and pointless; but I can assure you that although you may think the idea is dismal, the fearsome attack of an acid-spitting downy will make you wish you had never been born.
[edit] Uppy Launcher
Sort of like the downey launcher but every bullet looks different. (unlike downeys they all look the same).
[edit] Indirectly Effective/useless/non-projectile Guns
[edit] Spontaneous Eyeball Implosion Gun
A gun that, when fired, causes someone, somewhere, to have their eyeballs imploded. This gun is best used when in a predicament where only two people are alive in all the known universe (e.g Adam and Eve). Beware though, for the user is not impervious to the effects of the gun, and might therefore implode his or her own eyeballs.
The spontaneous eyeball implosion gun (or B.E.T.S.Y for short) was patented in Germany on the 30th of April, 1945 by Adolf Hitler. When first used, it imploded Hitler's eyeballs and caused him to run screaming into his wife and knocking them both out of a window, through a bunker, into the basement, onto a bullet, making the death seem like suicide. It was the only known case of B.E.T.S.Y backfiring on its user.
B.E.T.S.Y's design consists mainly of ham, random computer chips, Kool-Aid, Not-So-Kool-Aids, Lemon-Aids, Siphylis, Dinosaur-Juice, a dodo bird, eight dwarves, and a cross. Blend all materials but the cross until a lukewarm paste is formed. Than cook at 700'C for 6 years. Jam the cross on top and fire. When the trigger is pulled, it activates the cross on the top, causing God to sense your will to have someone's eyeballs imploded. Someone, somewhere, just had their eyeballs imploded. If you don't believe this, than you are trying to suppress faith and are therefore a racist.
[edit] Quarter gun
This gun, used exclusively by residents of Lyford Cay, Beverly Hills, and Wall Street, not only launches painful quarters at your enemy, but emasculates them by showing them that you are so rich you're actually using currency as ammunition.
Good self-defense handgun ammunition costs $12 to $20 per box of 20 cartridges now-a-days, so a "Quarter Gun" would actually be relatively inexpensive to shoot. Billy the Kid killed a deputy during a jailbreak--at least in the movies--with a 12 gauge loaded with a stack of dimes. You'd want 10 or a dozen per load, and a dime was real money back then.....
Formerly, the same company that makes this gun developed a $1,000,000 bill gun. It failed miserably, mostly due to the developers overlooking the fact that bills are soft, as opposed to quarters and other coins.
A dollar-coin adapter is available for this gun. Dollar coins are more damaging, but good luck finding any ammunition... The exception to this is the Canadian dollar, but this doesn't help since a Canadian dollar is worth significantly more than a quarter, and no-one is really sure where to get them anyways. Canada is rumored to be above the United States, but just how far above is anyone's guess.
[edit] The chicken sprouting gun
A gun about the size of a pistol, the Chicken Sprouting Gun fires microscopic eggs at the enemy, which hatch in about 2 seconds and sprout millions of microscopic chickens. These chickens lay more eggs, which hatch into more chickens which lay even more eggs, and so on, until the enemy bursts from having wayyyyyyyy too many chickens inside his body. The chickens, upon coming into contact with air, dissipate, leaving nothing but microscopic feathers behind. This weapon is especially effective in preventing your enemies from asking pointless existential questions about which came first.
[edit] Chuck Norris gun
This weapon shoots Chuck Norris at the enemy, if the impact doesn't kill the enemy Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick him in the moon where the enemy will die from his head exploding. If there is a wall between you and your enemy Chuck Norris will crush it out of the way. This weapons bad side is that Chuck Norris will kill you because you launched him at the enemy making this weapon very useful if you want to die after you have killed somebody.
[edit] Dance Rifle
Targets of the Dance Rifle are forced to break out in Deutsche Demokratische Republik-style dance mania for an indefinite amount of time. Though also not much use in actual combat, it was still voted by the U. N. as Most Inhumane Weapon of 2005, narrowly beating out the Soulrender 2000 for the honour.
[edit] Dali Ray
Created as a last-resort anti-personnel weapon by the Spanish military in 1991, the Dali Ray was an attempt to fuse the trademark Spanish surrealist style with the most painful death imaginable. The original design was introduced by a small team of hobbyists who specialized in "blowing things up in microwaves" to Generalissimo El Samuel Suave de la Pava, who happened to be an amateur collector of fine art. Intrigued by the idea, de la Pava reserved funding for what became known as "Proyecto Gala," named for the wife of the acclaimed Salvador Dali, and testing went underway in early 1992.
Initial tests on animal subjects resulted in a wide variety of shapes including flying pomegranates, mousetraps, slices of bacon, skulls, female breasts, large musical instruments participating in adulterous acts, and in one peculiar circumstance, Queen Sofia, who was eventually married to King Juan Carlos II.
Despite the praise of de la Pava, who hoped to utilize the Dali Ray as a form of riot control in conjunction with the National Spanish Project for Renovation of the Public Arts, the Dali Ray was decommissioned in late 1992. Its whereabouts have since been unknown, but recent evidence suggests testing on human subjects by the Japanese government. Human rights activists have joined with fine art critics in lauding this creative use of torture to advance human interaction with the arts on what one critic calls "the deepest level possible [...] The Dali Ray not only allows us to connect with art, it allows us to become the art."
The Dali Ray uses a reverse-polarity stream combined with a generic paranoiac-critical actuator to generate a concentrated field of Picasso Particles which, upon contact with the target, collapse into themselves and form the famously, highly unpredictable Surrealist state of matter which results in what de la Pava called the "Dali Effect." The Dali Effect, in short, extracts and rearranges gluon in whatever way Salvador Dali would have seen fit, transforming regular forms into surrealist objects, a transformation which usually results in excruciating pain for the target.
Contrasts have been drawn between the Dali Ray and the Heart of Gold, inspiring many theorists to claim that the Heart of Gold itself is actually an extremely advanced generator of the Dali Effect.
[edit] Gun that gives people cancer later in life
The gun that gives people cancer later in life looks like a simple firearm in appearance. When it's user pulls the trigger whilst pointing it at a particular target, it appears and sounds as though the gun is firing without ammo. However, the unsuspecting target will develop a most insidious and unstoppable tumor several years, possibly decades, in the future. This is also known as the laser. Unfortunately, the battery pack needed to power the gun is massive, and in all honesty, makes a better weapon when it is used as a club . It's much faster, and nothing is cooler than bludgeoning a man to death with a large battery used to power a useless cancer ray.
[edit] Picasso Ray
Around the same time as the development of the Dali Ray, an offshoot of the program came into existence known as the Picasso Ray. Utilizing the same power source as the Dali Ray, but with tweaked energy delivery ports, the ray's effects on its enemies melted their faces in such a way that it was similar to the works of the famed painter Pablo Picasso, hence the name. When hit by a Picasso Ray, the first thing you will notice is that you won't see shit. Every part of your face will be horribly misaligned. The effects happen almost instantaneously, so you will be in unimaginable pain for several hours. As a side effect, you will be psychologically scarred for life. The weapon is still in use by the Spanish military, but because no one wants to bother attacking them, the weapon has never seen real combat.
[edit] Rubber ducky gun
Completely pointless! But good if your son/daughter has lost her real pet duck. Just fire rubber ducky at cage or container where the old, real duck was and your child will never know the difference. Originally invented to develop handgun skills and encourage firearm familiarity in young children. The most common use was by two or more toddlers in a bubble filled bath, where parents would support and encourage the positive feelings and emotions associated with playing with guns, so as to desensitize the children to death, and the prevent an ingrained sense of ‘responsibility for ones actions’ appearing at a young age.
[edit] Sperm gun
 This weapon was created in the year 1972 by the famous scientist/porn star Ron Jeremy... This weapon, if it existed, would have the potential to do high damage. Possessing the capability to instantly impregnate its victims, regardless of their gender. This could prove somewhat embarrassing to males, as they lack a suitable opening to release the infant. Upon firing, the weapon would release a barrage of genetically modified sperm, able to penetrate their victim and impregnate him/her. How two sperms combine to form a zygote, I don't know. Perhaps the baby is ready-made? Note that this weapon is not feasible for use on an inanimate object as they cannot reproduce. With the exception of computers, anyway. The effect of a sperm gun on females would be minimal, unless fired multiple times. Firing the sperm gun only once may result merely in one baby, causing no harm except to her figure, possibly. Multiple shots should cause her to be impregnated 20+ times, calling for abortion, extensive operating or exploding vagina due to lack of space for the babies to emerge. This would be highly messy, however. Notable for its different levels of severity, the only drawback to the Sperm gun is that the user has to manually pump the supply hose which (not seen) is attached to the user's penis... On a male, the results are far more noticeable. As there is no suitable opening, even one shot can prove lethal. The only feasible options are a sex change or death. Abortion will not work as everyone knows that men can't abort babies. Neither are they supposed to get pregnant, but who cares. Death is extremely painful and the process humiliating. As the nine months pass, the victim will apparently become increasingly obese. At childbirth, there are not only the crippling labour pains to deal with, there is also the minor detail of the lack of a suitable opening. This results either in a ruptured penis and forcible gender change or an expanded anus. Greatly expanded, at that. Both conditions invariably lead to death most of the time. It is, however, worth noting that this weapon takes nine months to take effect and thus is not very suitable. Also, don't use it unless you're sure that the babies won't survive, especially if you're using it on Oprah Winfrey; or if the opponent has a Boring Meat Sheild. This could be used as a sex toy, but you would need to pay a huge fee aborting those children. Also effective against Amazonian women, home intruders, and Paris Hilton. |
[edit] Boomerang Shotgun
Basically the most self-destructive gun ever made. The boomerang shotgun (as it's name implies) fires a shell full of tiny lead boomerangs that will return to the shooter after a few milliseconds. The inventor of the boomerang shotgun was killed shortly after building the first of the boomerang shotgun, but the blueprints were found and the gun was put into production as a practical joke. There are only 2 known uses for the boomerang shotgun. First, suicidal people will have a "blast" using the gun to end their miserable lives. Second, replacing an enemy's real shotgun with a boomerang shotgun will make it very easy to eliminate him because he will do it for you.
[edit] Tesla Coin
Not to be confused with the more famous "Tesla coil". This weapon is disguised as a harmless coin. It is powered by a miniature battery that provides just enough juice for one "knock you off your feet" zap. You just arm it, put it on the ground, and wait for the enemy to get near enough. "Oooh...What's this, a coin?" ZAP!!!
[edit] Animal-Launchers
[edit] Fat Kid Launcher
Basically what it does is, it launches fat kids. Not quite as effective as the Elephant Gun, but it'll help with our child obesity problem. Effective in many ways, mainly the pure impact of a 200lb kid slamming into your enemy does the most damage, but also the shrapnel (eg. body parts, half-eaten burgers) can cause serious cases of nausea and general annoyance amongst your enemies makes this the most effective weapon against Hippies and rampaging Jews.
!Warning!
illegal under human rights act as no human being or other life form should endure being fired at with a fat kid.
Although the fat kid probably deserved it.
Definitely not for use in close quaters or short range, really don't do it!
[edit] Pissed off drunk Irishman gun
Basically a steyr AUG modified to accomidate a bar and irishman inside (Purely because it's the weapon an Irishman will be most familiar with). when fired this weapon launches a pissed of Irishman that has been drinking (basically any irishman) at the target and beats the shit out of it. This weapon was used in the last months, but to great effect, in the emo overflow in 2005. The strange thing is this weapon still weighs the same and looks the same as an AUG but with a pint for a magazine (a keg for a 50 round LMG MAG).
[edit] Elongated mammal gun
Despite the fact that little furry mammals, such as ferrets, dachshunds, meerkats, and weasels are so cute and furry, they make excellent weapons of mass destruction. Simply load one of them into the barrel, aim, and fire. Depending on the mammal fired, the effects will be different. If a ferret is fired, it will pee all over the target before biting and running away. A weasel will bite, scratch, and make the victim's life unbearable until given fifty live baby mice. A dachshund will gouge out the victim's eyes and then strangle it with its own intestines. A meerkat will curl into a ball, and harmlessly follow the victim/owner around. When midnight strikes, however, it will summon a horde of meerkats, who will eviscerate the victim in its sleep. In the case of the smaller elongated mammals, there is the additional possibility of the animal getting into the target's pants. And then they're really in trouble.
An anteater can be sharpened, elongated, and used in a similar way to a gun that shoots swords. A camel can have its neck lengthened, and will spit on the victim before colliding with him for collateral damage.
[edit] Elephant Gun
This gun looks like a perfectly ordinary pistol, but it fires full grown Indian Elephants. The upside is that not many things will last long after being hit with a high-speed elephant, and that's provided they don't die from the surprise of seeing a multi-ton mammal fired at them out of a pocket-size pistol. The downside is that the elephant isn't apt to be very happy when it lands, and may maul the person who fired the gun. There is also no way to reload this gun, as we still haven't figured out how they fit the elephants into the bullets in the first place.
Comes in a blue version and a red version, but not a yellow version. There's no such thing as a Yellow Elephant Gun.
A version with Giant Menstruating She-Elephants is also popular in Laos.
If an Elephant grenadier attachment is present, the weapon may launch Elephantiles (elephant projectile). Impact may cause victim to die of shock or making their brain asplode.
[edit] Gun that shoots a gun that shoots a bullet that blows someones brains out
The best gun for this would be the shotgun, this is because it would be a long range and short range weapon, because in short range, the shot gun that is fired would hit the guy, then shoot him in the face. And if in long range the gun would be propelled to your enemy and then shoot him/her/it/Ninja.
[edit] Fried chicken gun
Although named "fried chicken gun", after loading live fowl into the hopper, the only thing this gun shoots out is fully cooked, rotisserie drumsticks. This weapon has a knob on it with two settings: Swords and Plowshares. When set to Swords, the drumsticks fire at a constant chickeny barrage, striking their target with forceful bony impact. When set to Plowshares, the drumsticks are helpfully presented to the wielder for oral consumption. (An under-barrel attachment provides various dipping sauces to accompany the drumsticks.) Attempting to be clever by setting the knob in the exact middle produces bizarre miniature plowshares that are strangely sharp, and disrupt proverbial wisdom for miles around. This weapon deals double damage to vegetarians and quadruple damage to vegans.
The sound chickens make when being inserted into this weapon is uniquely unpleasant.
Good for escaping black people when you piss them off.
[edit] Jellyfish Launcher
Exactly as stated, a high-powered cannon from which to fire jellyfish from. Nobody likes being stung by a jellyfish. It really hurts. And even if the tentacles don't actually touch your skin, the slimey residue left from the upper body of the animal will disgust anyone. If they don't die from puking, they'll surely surrender in order to avoid having to change clothes and, in worst-case scenarios, bathe. It's long-range capabilities are most useful however, allowing you to fire the invertebrates multiple times at slightly different angles, the angles correcting the time after the initial shot fired, as to rain down potentially dozens of jellyfish in a single clip in a single moment.
[edit] Poontang Gun
This gun shoots out poontangs which can ricochet around corners and make basically everybody uncomfortable. The name itself is also effective in making most men uncomfortable. Poontang. See? The gun is built for the most part like an RPG unit but has a more "v" shaped barrel. This Rocket Propelled Poontang can shoot poontangs at up to eleven miles per hour. The force of just one poontang shot from this gun from eighty feet away can hurt a little to adults and sometimes knock over small children. The damp nature of the projectile also makes it effective against people that don't like mucus or other wet things.
[edit] Old person gun
When fired, this gun produces an old person, (the age is determined by a knob on the side, you can choose kinda old to DAMN! THAT'S OLD!) the old person will then tell the victim to get off their lawn, get a job, help them find their glasses, etc. greatly annoying them. Clip carries 3 to 17 old people, and is conviniently equipped with supplies. Unfortunatly, most supplies are kept on the top shelf, and your ammunition might die before they reach it.
[edit] Corpse Gun
A later addition to the old person gun. Attached the same way as a silencer, it is a tank filled with methane, cyanide, loud music, inflation and tumors, all of which are expresively lethal to old people. When the old person goes through the barrel, it causes him/her to die, therefore turning your old person gun into the corpse gun. Warning, some old people will be half dead already, or will have already died, not being able to reach the "food" shelf found in the clip of the old person gun, causing decomposition as they hurtle through the barrel. Meaning that your full corpse may just be random, flailing body parts. Guaranteed to traumatize or kill small children or nuns. This is also known as the zombie rifle.
[edit] Blue Veined Custard Gun
This gun would be easily concealed in your pants making it the ultimate assassin's weapon. When faced with the need to use all you'd have to do is place one or both of your hands in your pockets and prime the gun. This is done by pumping the gun 20 or 30 times.
When it has been fully primed, you withdraw the blue veined custard gun from your pants and force the target to their knees. You then fire point blank to the face. You can also fire it at the victim's buttocks or stomach, but it doesn't look as impressive.
You then clean your blue veined custard gun, and leave the motel room.
[edit] Bop Gun
This hunting rifle was invented by George Clinton back in the 70s after he smoked waaaaay too much dope and decided to go hunting for endangered species. When fired, the gun emits a projectile of pure funk that makes target suckas get up for the down stroke and loosens their booties until they die of supergroovalisticprosifunkstication.
[edit] The Fricken BEE launcher
After having pulled the trigger, a hive of aggravated africanised honey bees will surge forth, repeatedly stinging everything in a 1 mile radius. This weapon is best used at VERY LONG range because the hive will literally empty EVERY FRICKEN BEE FROM ITS DEPTHS. This includes the queen and the prototype T-Virus Bees who will only chuckle when you attempt to step on them. Your target should end up screaming something along the lines of " JESUS CHRIST IM COVERED IN BEES!!!!" Before resorting to the suicide gun, which will fire a bastard sword into his eye. Variations include The Fricked BEE missile, which destroys enemy jet fighters, and The Fricken Nuclear BEE Missile, which stings everything in a 50 mile radius.
[edit] Everything Else
[edit] Knife-Launcher
Only a pussy would kill an unarmed man with a gun. But that can sometimes prove difficult, especially if they see you or are awake. This weapon solves that problem. You can still kill them with a blade without revealing yourself (from a distance), and you can't be called a pussy for it either. Win-win I say.
[edit] RPG Launcher
This nasty weapon fires Role Playing Games at high speed. This causes a 2D12 die roll ranged damage to opponent, negating armor values less than 2 and has the ability to damage magical beasts up to Iron Golems. Unfortunately, it is easily deflected with +2 Magical Shields. This gun may incur the wrath of televangelists, claiming this is a weapon of Satan, though in truth it is a weapon of Satin. The RPG Launcher is commonly used by male warlocks wielding ridiculously heavy armor and stupidly large swords, or female characters played by males with the legendary "Not very protective but quite sexy armored bikini".
[edit] MMORPG Launcher
Believed to be the most deadly RPG Launcher. Fires an MMO game at the enemy, causing them to abandon all attempts to fight back while they attempt to get the system to accept their credit card. Once this step has been achieved, they will be so distracted by the RPG that the wielder can easily "run off" or "kill" their opponent. If, say, the wielder has two broken legs or religious reasons for not either "running off" or "killing" the enemy, the lag and other internet problems caused by the RPG launcher will still afford them plenty of time to make an origami swan. World of Warcraft is one of the most effective weapons, also prompting excessive eyebrow growth. It should be noted that Final Fantasy XI's usage enrages most FF fans into relentlessly attacking, and should not be used except in an emergency.
[edit] JRPG Launcher
A deadly weapon that fires a Japanese Role Playing Game at the enemy. Incomprehensible plots, hackneyed, sometimes stereotypical characters, and complex leveling systems soon follow. Many enemies are simply too stupid to comprehend this weapon, and an ARPG (Action RPG) launcher is recommended in most cases. If it should be necessary to use the JRPG launcher, however, make sure you load an English translation. NOTE: attempting to use PAL ports may cause unnecessarily long reload times.
[edit] Bulimic zombie gun
Though little more than a bulimic zombie used as a gun, this relatively light weapon will fire devastating, acidy globs of vomit. One upside to the bulimic zombie gun is that any kind of food may be used as ammo. Earlier test models that did not use zombies had the annoying tendency to die during combat, becoming little more than a Boring Meat Shield. The use of the undead for this application prevented such mishaps, and minor inconveniences like limbs rotting off can be solved with duct tape. There is also the added intimidation factor of "AAAAAHHHH! A ZOMBIE!" which is a sure plus.
[edit] French shooting gun
Fires one french men or women either rape you or whine intensly or make you smell them
[edit] Road rage gun
Okay, so we've all felt road rage. Some idiot cuts you off in traffic. Some drunk is driving down the road at 15 mph, weaving all over the place, and you can't pass. What to do? Well, a road rage gun would allow you to shoot a very special paintball pellet at the vehicle in question. When the pellet hits, it spells out, in large fluorescent letters, a message like "Stupid Ass Drunk Driver" or "I rape children, and love it." Collect three of these messages, and the idiot loses his or her driver's license, which they obviously should never have been given in the first place.
[edit] Serrated bullet
 Bullets only stab once. This is because bullets are a waste of metal. Serrated bullets would stab multiple times, and the person you're shooting will be in much more agony. Is there a single reason not to serrate bullets? Okay, the bullet might not fly right, and might hit YOU instead. Oh, well — it was worth a try. |
[edit] Moron Launcher
This versatile weapon can shoot high velocity morons at the target with devastating results. The moron explodes on impact turning everyone near by into a moron that runs into another, and turns him into a moron too that runs... etc. First used with devastating success in U.S. government by President George W. Bush against members of Congress and Senate.
[edit] Tank-Launcher
Need high-powerd firearms, as well as armoured protection against evil feinds? This cute little contraption can be your saving grace, assuming you can carry it. Each clip contains twelve Russian T-90 main battle tanks, and in retrospect, cannot be lifted with anything less powerful than a Chinook transport helicopter. The gun itself weighs in at about 4x the weight of the clip. Rate of fire is five rounds every twenty-three minutes.
[edit] Tank-Launcher-Launcher
Good luck. Usually stationary on a mountainside. Sadly, due to weight restrictions and our inability to provide the raw fusion power required to launch a piece of ammunition a significant distance, the weapon has a seven meter range. Sadly, also due to weight restrictions (in addition to the necessary height to mount the weapon itself onto anything while keeping it stable), most projectiles are destroyed upon contact with their designated target.
[edit] Rocket Propelled Chainsaw
Need we say more?
[edit] Shot-Chucks
There are 2 different versions of this weapon. The first is fully automatic and has a 30 round clip of 12 gauge shells. The second version is semi-automatic and only holds 9 shells. These weapons are more of a 3-section staff than nun-chucks--but calling them 3 section shotguns is just stupid. Both weapons are meant to be flailed around in circular motions with lots of flipping and jumping while being fired. It is usually not a good idea to use near any allies.
[edit] The Hell Outta Here
Anyone ever tell you to "Get the hell outta here!" to your face? Well, they're probably mad at you. If they're mad at you, they might try stupid shit on you, like taking your wallet or burning your pants. Better take their advice, get The Hell Outta Here, and wipe them from existence- satisfaction guaranteed.
[edit] The Role-Reversal Gun
An extremely pointless firearm, much like Ronseal graded firearms it does exactly what it says on the tin. Once the trigger is pulled the universe collides with an alternate parallel universe and the 'victim' becomes the attacker. Not to be confused with the Russian-Reversal gun.
[edit] The MacGyver Gun
When the trigger is pulled, this gun will shoot out an unpredictable assortment of everyday household objects. Including, but not limited to: Paper clips, rubber bands, cotton balls, pliers, pencils, pens, batteries, erasers and shoes.
[edit] Spartan Lazer
Wtf? H4XX00rZ
Its pretty and red, send it to Iraq. - George bush on Spartan Lazers.
[edit] A Shakespeare Gun
The ultimet bore-to-freking-death-gun. the Gun fires quots that can make ones head to exploed. "To be bored or not to be bored" William Shakespeare said that once and we should put it on a fricken gun.
[edit] Not Even Guns
[edit] Boring Meat Shield
Technically not even a weapon, although it proves a good counter to most unexistant weapons.
The boring meat shield is a spin-off of the Bulimic Zombie Gun test,when early test subjects died. None is in current use today because most the weapons it counters don't exist, but should.
This weapon is particularly effective against the Sperm Gun as the dead body is pregnant rather than you. After nine months of being shot by the Sperm Gun you will get additional Boring Meat Shields depending on how many times they shot it, although you have to cut them out because dead people can't give birth to babies.
[edit] Sandwich gun
Not really a gun, but more of a kick-ass lunch box. As it`s name implies, the gun fires a sandwich (the type of sandwich depends on what sandwich you load in). It is mainly used to quickly get a sandwich (caution: do not aim directly into face, you will make a mess) or to give a sandwich to a friend very far away. The gun can be used as self defense if no other weapon is close by. Be prepared, after the initial shot at the assailant he will be stunned, but after he realises that you shot a sandwich at him he might eat the sandwich thus having more energy to attack you. A second shot is not recommended. An upgrade of the sandwich gun is the full-auto sandwich gun. It`s great at parties, and is especially effective against Fat Kids.
[edit] Guitar gun
A favorite of assassin mariachis, the Guitar Gun is an invention by the Death Metal guitarist Gareth Gates. Gareth Gates decided that his UZI 9mm wasn't exciting enough, so he converted a Flying-V style guitar into a fully automatic machine gun.
The Guitar Gun is capable of firing 1000 rounds per minute, and Gareth Gates first used it against his father, Darth Vader, in 2016. Although it wasn't powerful enough to penetrate his armor, it managed to become one of the most popular weapons of the 21st Century.
The design of the Guitar Gun has changed over the years, and it now includes a scope and a blade on the headstock. It has knobs for all kinds of things, such as speed and power, as well as the incredible sound effects that you would find on a battery powered toy gun. The Guitar Gun is also available in many styles, including the Stratocaster, Telecaster and Les Paul.
Guitar Guns are currently mass produced on an uncharted island south of Australia, by a company called Epiguns. Famous users of this weapon are Mr T, various cast members of FLCL, Rambo and Tony Blair.
It is known that during the War of Rock from 2010 to 2014, Guitar Guns were the main weapon used. The Loyalist forces used Flying-V style Guitar Guns, and the New Rocking Order used Stratocaster and Les Paul style Guitar Guns. Legend has it that John Frusciante of the Loyalist forces could break down an enemy Rocker by just playing the intro to Under the Bridge.
It should be noted that in an unrelated incident on-stage in 1973, Robert Fripp played a dissonant chord that mysteriously killed an audience member during a performance of "Lark's Tounges in Aspic Pt. II". Currently, research is ongoing to discover if this is indeed an anachronistic instance of a prototypical Guitar Gun.
[edit] Laser spectacles
According to recent studies by the Department of Statistics (a common misspelling of "the Department of Satanists") you know more than a third of people either need or have glasses. Now think about it--you are sick about being teased about your large, thick, plastic-rimmed spectacles. Well, no longer! Laser spectacles shoot a super red hot beam of 100% pure laser which can incinerate your enemies until they are burnt into a cheese and onion flavoured potato crisp; crinkle cut of course.
Pre-order them today* at: www.pleasehelpmeturnmyenemiesintoacheeseandonionflavouredpotatocrisp.crinklecutnaturally.astheyteasemeaboutmyspectacles.com
(*We're still working on them, but they'll be ready soon, I promise! If not today, maybe tomorrow; if not then, maybe Friday. Its good on Friday.)
NB: Laser Spectacles may not help your vision in the slightest--please keep out of reach of children, Germans and especially ausserhalb der Reichweite von Kindern. Denken sie an die Kinder!
[edit] Orgasmatron
This gun fires a ray that causes its targets to have an orgasm, thus disabling them for just long enough to shoot them with your normal gun. Of course, this raises the question as to why, if you can shoot them with your Orgasmatron, why not just shoot them with your regular gun? This basically means that the Orgasmatron is almost useless in actual combat. It is, however, a lot of fun at parties. The possibility exists, however, that the target will no longer be hostile after the use of the Orgasmatron, and instead, become simply an annoying presence, (or not, depending on the intrinsic appearance of said target).
Lemmy wrote a song about a weapon called an Orgasmatron, but nobody quite knows what it is. It's a good guess that it's a gigantic, living train that wants to fuck us up, and if it exists, Lemmy is the only one who has it.
[edit] Dead flounder
The Dead flounder can be used like a slow-acting land mine. Simply hide it within the enemy camp (sheep ninjas can be used for this purpose) and wait 3-5 days for the enemy's nose to melt off. This weapon can also be used to detect if the enemy has kittens at their disposal, since kittens can be used to disarm a dead flounder. Early testing of this weapon was done on a black Michael Jackson. Those of you who would not wish such a cruel fate on another human being should observe one of the other numerous weapons described here.
[edit] Small Black Child
Although not a gun, this weapon can be very effective when it comes to disabling your enemy. It consists basically of a small black child that screams racism as soon as the fighting starts, which in turn makes your enemies feel guilty and surrender and possibly kill themselves due to their emotions. *NOTE* This weapon does not work against Chuck Norris or any other deity due to the fact that they have no sense of guilt.
[edit] Improbability Gun
The Improbability gun, when fired, creates a tear in reality around its target, causing the least like thing possible to happen to the target. The effects can be positive or negative depending on the target. For example, the gun could cause a team of ninja to spontaneously attack the target, or it could cause an astoundingly beautiful woman to begin making passionate love to the target. It could also cause a nuclear weapon to detonate on the target, killing everyone and everything within a 20 mile radius. The Improbability Gun must be used with extreme caution, as its effects are unpredictable.
[edit] Plot Device Gun
To put it quite simply, the plot device gun creates a situation that will make any part of your day more interesting. Example: You're in class and bored, you decide to fire off a round and then a transfer student walks into the class.
[edit] Plot Twist Gun
Almost exactly like the plot device gun, except it gives a twist to the situations it creates. Example: You're in class and bored, you decide to fire off a round and then a transfer student from... Atlantis! yeah, atlantis... walks into the class. Instant awesomeness.
[edit] The Most Devastating Weapon Ever Pondered
[edit] Flash
Flashing may make people stop and stare if you are a woman or look away in disgust if you are a man. This is the most evil weapon that only requires you to not have anything (on). lmao
[edit] That boot you get in Super Mario Bros. 3 that you aren't allowed to keep after you finish the level for some damn reason
Like seriously, how many people have gotten that boot and been like "WTF mate, this is amazingness in a bun! Let's be careful not to lose it so we can take it into the next level!", only to realize you can't? That pissed me off.
[edit] Kamikaze Gun
This .98 Caliber gun, fires a small Japanese man at the victim, who proceeds to splatter on the unfortunate victim. The unwilling projectile makes Japanese swearing noises on the way, eliminating all chances of the gun being used as a stealth weapon. While non-lethal, the projectile will splatter guts, intestines, and small pieces of uncooked fish, making it A&E's choice of the number 7th messiest gun in history. The larger Kamikaze Launcher, fires several Japanese men, and at least one producer of Pokemon. This gun should not be confused with the suicide gun, which will simply explode once the trigger is pulled, or the seppuku (hari-kiri) gun, which will simply fire a bastard sword into the wielder's eye.
[edit] Water MINI-Gun
This weapon was created when Generals in the White House realized that water guns might actually come in handy in war after all, so, they commissioned Super-Soaker to develop a gun that fires water at 2,000 SPS (soaks per second) and fires it at Mach 2. True, water is not NEARLY as hard as metal, but, when water is goin' that fast, it WILL HURT. The only real mystery to the gun is how they get the damned water to get goin' so damned fast. Sure as hell beats me, but, I don't care enough to tinker with it enough to find out and cut a whole in my hand with water. First of all, It would hurt, and I would lost a hand. Second, It would consume too much time to be worth it, third... You know what?! I am getting off-topic again! Okay, so, in conclusion, here it is, and, it's awesome.
[edit] Swiss Army Gun
One of the worst and coolest of guns, it is unknown whether the Swiss Army Gun (humorously abbreviated to SAG) actually exists. The only evidence is a picture of Switzerland from Google Earth. From what is understood of the SAG, it can be made to appear to be a harmless big red cuboid. However, an experienced user can configure it to be a rocket launcher, a machine gun, a shotgun, or a spork within half a second. Other configurations have been reported by professional hobos, including a bag of doritos, a nudie mag, and a gun what fires bottles of Dr Pepper that when they're opened they fire knives which fire guns which fire whale sperm, 500 times larger than the average sperm and capable of wriggling helplessly.
