Axl Rose is especially known to use the the ancient ninja-technique known as the skunk-cry: "SHA NA NA NA NA NA NA KNEES KNEES!"

"SHA NA NA NA NA NA NA KNEES KNEES!" my ass...

During Operation Desert Strom Axl Rose was kidnapped, tied up, shoved into a tank outfitted with a loudspeaker and he was forced to screech in order to drive out the infidels into the open. This is also the reason why Chinese Democracy, the concept or the album, has never seen the light of day.

In either case, Axl Rose's voice has many other uses, including but not limited to:

• driving insects and small vermin out of your basement

• hangover pranks

• use by CIA operatives who carry a small bottle of it around in order to break glass and/or escape dangerous situations

Far too traumatizing to be actually viewed, this replica accurately depicts the horrors of Microsoftery...

The Blue screen of death is a horrible plot concocted by a nefarious group of college students in the mid 1970's in order to piss off more dependent and less intellectual students using their equipment. The Blue Screen of Death has been attributed, but not limited to, causing the following disasters:

• Y2K
• New Madrid fault collapse
• Hurricane Katrina
• The Stock Market Crash of 1929
• Global warming
• The Watergate Scandal
• Jar Jar Binks
• The American Civil War
• Yo Mama
• G4
• Erectile Dysfunction
• Black Plague
• Britney Spears
• The Disney Channel
• Macho Man Randy Savage
• The birth of Bill Gates
• Jebus
• Death of the universe in the far future when the universe is on it's death bed and being kept alive by computers

[edit] Extendable Cattle Prod Nightstick

“Ah, that's abit harsh ain't it?”

~ Hitler on Getting shocked by an extendable cattle prod nightstick

Nightsticks hurt when hit with, cattle prods hurt when poked with. Combining the two, may be the most evil idea ever to be come up with by modern man.

[edit] Cheese

Cheese is the fabled weapon of the gods. Cheese supposedly has the same chemical composition of euphoria (PiE). It is well know that Popeye the Sailor Man abused this substance during the great spinach famine. It also is rumored to be able to summon Bob. Fear it and its capabilities. Also, there was an infestation during the Cold War, wherein the Russians launched swiss at the Us and permanently damaged our lives.

[edit] Euroipods

(Because the reference of them is mandatory)

The Euroipods article is so bad, one has to:

• a) pay
• b) claw their eyeballs out to avoid the pain incurred by editing it.

[edit] Goatse Man

Goatse man has two powerful lasers that he carries around. when he finds a victim, he distracts them by giving them a link to his webpage. While the hapless victim is busy reading the hilariously cunning humor section of the site, Goatse Man sneaks around and burns their eyes out. Truly Goatse Man is a powerful force for evil. It remains to be seen if, in the right hands (or the right hands in him), he could be a force for good.

And behind Goatseman are the Goats....evil incarnate. Further details of one, arguably biased, view on the evil of Goats is at: www.evilgoats.blog.com

[edit] Horn Book

Horn Books are still used as a method of torture, but they can be tortured themselves? Why?

[edit] Incredibly Hot Anime Girls

Yes, even web browsers. In the year 1337 BC, the United Spades of Amerika began research on a way to make nerds incredibly happy! Upon seeing this on the internet or something, you will become infatuated with Anime girls. (I wish I could see her boobs...)Since anime girls are anime and therefore are god, you will like, totally become a Super Uber nerd and/or fanboy. Specially engineered to love anime, can also turn the victims into a furry. Oh, the humanity!

[edit] Leetspeak

lawl l337spek ruls man y dnt u luv it 2!!!! it like the nly tihng dat u can tpye al daywen ur plaing gmes on the net man!! kthxbai

Translation: Leetspeak stinks and people should shoot anyone using it on sight. Unfortunately, the people using it are usually on the other end of a very long cyberspace connection passing through World of Warcraft, and you can't usually see them. However, one can still kill their pitiful characters, causing them to cry, explode, contract Typhoid Fever, turn into homicidal maniacs, or create another character in an attempt to retrieve their shattered dignity.

[edit] Jon Voight

The Crocodile Hunter: "Just look at those teeth, made for tearing the flesh off of human bones! Lets go in closer for a better look mates!" Jon Voight, son of the inventor of Voight basketballs (unrelated to Voit basketballs) was tragically mutated in the year 1953 AD causing him to invade Hollywood and put out a horrible movie every 2 years, and also led him to work with fellow spawn of Satan, Shia Labeouf in Holes, causing a mass mindwashing of America's youth to think that Louis Sachar's works are readable (especially Wayside School is Falling Down...) On the other hand he was the sperm donor for Angelina Jolie, one of the few women that make everyone else around them ugly... So, in reality it's a lose/win situation...

[edit] Marguerite Perrin

Screaming about "Gaggles" and "dorksided" things, this is quite possibly the most nasty weapon ever known to man. This weapon is way more powerful and nasty than Simon Cowell himself. U.S. army officials estimate that it will end The War Against Terror (TWAT) and all current wars on the planet with her yelling, appearance and personality. It was put on the Fox show Trading Spouses to test the effects and side effects on it's viewers, but the results were deadly: 100% of Fox viewers were found dead (although this has not been offered as evidence since the same thing happens when an episode of Arrested Development is watched) response to Disney. It was effective, but maybe TOO effective for any human to handle. The U.S. Congress forced the army to shutdown the current project and put her on storage in the bottomless pit to prevent Marguerite Perrin (nicknamed Godzilla) from escaping.

[edit] My wife's cooking

Talk about "cruel and unusual punishment". Emeril, she ain't.

[edit] Simon Cowell

A product of genetic engineering by the British, this human weapon was first conceived in order to attack the enemies emotionally. It will insult anyone with bad talent causing its morale to go way down and leave them vulnerable for attack and manipulation.

It was transferred to the United States of America for further testing on it's people and was put on the show American Idol as a judge. After years of testing, the results were shown:

• 80% was disappointed
• 50% were HAPPY
• 30% was angry
• 5% was crying
• 4% made it to the show, but were not the top 12
• 1% were winners of the show
• 100% became gay with eachother

If Simon Cowell gets another job outside of American Idol, you better watch out because you're next on the list.

if you stuck a piece of coal up his ass you would have a diamond in 2 weeks

[edit] Soviet dogs with fire on their back

Trained by the commies with the intention of setting alight clinically morbidly obese people, these were a complete failure, as they were trained with Russian fatties, which was exactly what the dogs did when they were on the field, run under the Russian fattos.

With all due respect, these have been taken off your selves by the kind Jockeys from the sky.

[edit] This Guy

Scary man made me cry like a friggin' baby earlier... This Guy is extremely scary and if I ever crossed him in the middle of nowhere... or possibly the woods... I wouldn't ask him for directions... I would merely piss myself and run (and I'm willing to wager 1.5 million Canadien dollars(Which converts roughly into .03 American Dollars) that you would do the same...) This Guy was a secret prototype project masterminded by the great scientist God. He is the ultimate killing machine, running solely on the spirits of kittens and Spam with cherry sauce drizzled over the top and pineapple slices... yum. His body was created in a facility somewhere north of San Diego but his enormous baycles were the product of a Pamela Anderson fixation (some say it was actually Tommy Lee, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt...) that ran amok... May God have mercy on our souls if he ever gets loose...

[edit] TOGO Coasters

wtf? If you can figure this out I'll give you 1.5 million American dollars. see article above... it's take one get one, isn't it? - Rasputen

[edit] Wikis

These horrible virtual weapons, extend their grip into the physical realm. By silently capturing intelligent, creative people in their internet clutches, these user updatable data constructs force their enslaved symbiotes to weave additional layers of intrigue and editability to contain the next round of hapless eggheads.

A wiki is created by enslaving a system administrator, who is foolish enough to be subverted by a non-existent software process. The system admin purchases a digital bed for the wiki to be created, and then proceeds to meld together the magical elements of clock-gated life. At that point, the wiki is still just a fledgling vanity web page, albeit a sophisticated site with much dynamic potential. It isn't until the alpha-dupe spends real world time and energy contacting other human beings to participate in it's mind-trap, that the wiki emerges from it's cocoon.

The wiki attracts its prey by seizing and presenting the humorous, factual, or bigoted catalogs of the previous acquisitions. By capturing more and more victims, the wiki actually increases it's ability to capture more drones.

Wikis are usually formed along intellectual boundaries, such as the desire to catalog knowledge, or the desire to make yourself laugh, or the desire to believe that your group is superior to other groups. Captured humans from opposing wikis, often participate in trying to destroy the opposing wiki's credibility. Ironically, in this process, the wiki's share mind-slaves, and both become even more powerful.

Although the more insidious wikis have been created with the soul purpose of enslaving and manipulating pale skinned insocialites, a vast majorities of wikis prey upon their creators.

[edit] WMDs

Weather of Mass Drowning. Hurricanes, typhoons, tropical storms, Ted Kennedy, tsunamis, tidal waves, waterspouts, flash floods, quicksand, and elephant drool. Ban them, we've had enough!

[edit] Barrett M82 sniper rifle

A weapon that makes people think they can take on Chuck Norris, often with disastrous results. Chuck Norris, having deflected the bullet, then goes on to kill everyone within a 10 light-year radius. He then takes a nap on the sun, and eats Cheez-Its. anyone trying to take his Cheez-Its instantly dies by roundhouse related injuries. Get your own box.

[edit] Gay bomb

A bomb that was researched by the US Army, though never developed. It would contain a chemical that, when released into the air, would cause intense homosexual arousal in targets. No such chemical (except banana rum) was ever discovered, so the idea was dropped.

[edit] Man-cannon

A weapon designed to fling human being to great heights. Patented.

[edit] Antti Tuisku

A Finnish singer whos more dangerous than any weapon known to man.

[edit] George Bush

A suspected mutilation of Jabba's rancor, or wait, maybe a toilet, or snot, or some shit. He is the most dangerous weapon of mass destruction (and drinks oil)and is destroying the world as we speak. Oh my god he's on CNN! AH! HAVE MUTHAFUCKIN MERCY!!!!!!!!

[edit] YoGos

come on people all they are is xtasy! they look the same so when kids eat those gross ass thing they are just getting very very high why do you think they get so hyper after eating those things is it because of the suger NO!! it is DRUGS! but how are these a weapon u ask? they are ment to get kid addicted to drug so they cannot make our country "better" Image:Alley06.jpg

[edit] Gaytoraid

Rehidrates, refules, and replinishes gayness.

Warning may be Finnish.

[edit] Windows Vista

Main article: Windows Vista

[edit] C-3PO

Main article: C-3PO

[edit] Your Mother

Everyone knows that mothers can be used as incredibly potent weapons, especially teenage mothers. Considering they're teenage mothers, they're nipples are probably always razor sharp, and they can be used as weapons themselfes!

THIS IS THE CATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The only currently known weapon that can counter yo mamma is the yo mamma joke. This is a very common weapon and is easily used, espeacilly by black comedians, which are becoming increasingly common. Therefore, the yo mamma weapon has a very high probability of backfire. Just imagine: cornered, you pull out the oponent's mother, and all the whales start singing "we are family": you'd be annhilated! (that's pronounced an-eye-al-ate-ed)

[edit] Dr. Phil

Single handedly attributed with more than seventeen million wrecked families, Dr. Phil is a weapon that will eat your heart and spew it back to you in a digested, subservient form that will appreciate bad music and George W Bush. Do you want this to happen to you?

On rare occasions, Dr. Phil has been known to eat small children, or to cause permanent Heart Failure that doesn't kill.

[edit] Knife filled with gunpowder

A completely benign weapon with an unknown purpose. Invented by scientists in an attempt to make a knife filled with bombs. It's only special use seems to be lighting itself on fire, but with a weapon as short as a knife, you'll probably burn your hand.

Note -- not to be confused with a roman candle or a sparkler. This is not a patriotic toy.

[edit] Cat Grenade

Cat-Grenade with a live grenade shoved in its mouth. The last thing you will see before you die. Simply a cat thrown at someone's face, easily obtained by any would be terrorist, do not underestimate the face mauling eye gouging powers of this simple yet brutally effective weapon. Even more effective when a live grenade is shoved in the cat-grenade's mouth right before throwing it, when it finishes mauling its target the grenade will soon explode causing massive damage.

[edit] Chuck Norris

Where is your god now? Chuck Norris' power is so great his most powerful 100% adrenaline enhanced round-house kick could easily destroy life the universe and everything including time itself and alternate dimesions except for Bruce Campbell, the end to all ends. This is why he should not exist.

[edit] See also

• List of weapons that don't exist, but should
• List of animals that don't exist, but should
• List of weapons that don't exist, and shouldn't