Lithuania
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“What did you just call me?”
~ Americans on Lithuania
“You've got to be kidding!”
~ Frank Zappa on his posthumous monument in Vilnius
“You've never been? .....NO WAY!!!!!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lithuania
| |||||
| Official language | Lithuanian (Li Thu Ang dialect of China), Propaganda, C++ and PHP | ||||
| Capital | Vilnus | ||||
| President | Ammar | ||||
| The God of Lithuania | AMB | ||||
| Most Famous Citizens | AMB, Sabas & Paksas | ||||
| Music | Eurovision - in Urban areas & Traditional Heavy Metal Folk Music - in rural areas. The most famous artists are Laimutis Purvinis, Minedas, Valdas Karklelis and Suopis and Rambynas Ramonai. | ||||
| Intelligence - Total - % | Ranked 1st 1337 39-44% | ||||
| Independence - Declared - Recognised - Lost | From (The Evil Empire Of) themselves 16 November 1919 19 December 1945 13 December 1992 | ||||
| Sanity - Declared - Recognised - Lost | 19 December 2004 20 December 2004 21 December 2004 | ||||
| Currency | LITre (1 LITre = 10 glasses x 100 millilitre of C2H5OH) | ||||
| Chemical Symbol | Li | ||||
| National Anthem | Po Stikliuką by Harry Blotteris or We Are the Winners | ||||
First of all, everything you know about Lithuania is blues & shoes, including this article.
Furthermore, don't even try to try to understand Lithuania without a beer or two resting safely in your stomach (or, preferably, looking for a way out). The local brand Svyturys is fine for this purpose, "bambalis" (a big plastic bottle of cheap beer) is even better.
Lithuania is located near Stoneya, Landia and sometimes Churkey. The people of Lithuania are currently enjoying the benefits of the European Union -- in other words, being able to relocate to Great Britain, Ireland, Spain and other EU countries like Uzbekistan.
Lithuanians are a tribe at the Geographic Center of Europe and the future cultural birthplace of Europe (see theory of Northern Athens). The natives are very peaceful and sometimes drunk, except for the majority which are very drunk and sometimes peaceful. The natives believe in basketball, a brighter future as Northern Athens and Degtinė (Vodka) except in the northern parts where they mostly believe in Biržai beer. A touristic paradise all in one.
Do not ever fart here. The farters will be captured and publicly executed. Please use specialised sucking devices located in every open air toilet.
Contents |
History
Contrary to the popular belief there is some. Although it's better to avoid the topic, as after a few "bambalis" Lithuanians are much too much talkative about their history--much too much. If you do get into a history lesson, reach for nearest "bambalis", mix it with nearest bottle of vodka, drink the mixture bottom up and fall unconscious under the table. Trust us, it's better than the alternative.
Well, Lithuania was first mentioned in 1009 by some guy in his writings, but it is known that Lithuania is much more older than that, and in the past it was one of those countries who srike terror into the neiberghous hearts, souls, minds and so on ...(of course, in a good way). So everything began many, many years ago, in the dark forest full of preshistoric beasts. There were a bunch of barbarians gathered around and they decided, "Why not establish a vilage instead of wandering around the forests without any clue what we are doing?" So, the decision was made; all of the barbarians established a vilage and named it "Pyragu Zeme" (Later it was renamed in "Lietuva" (Lithuania) but you will know more about that later). Many years passed since that day. Pyragu Zeme prospered and grew into a small city, with it's own army, goverment, hos, etc. And then came the time than people of that city became greedy. They all sent out their pet monkeys to steal everybodys chickens then lithuania fell into world war 7 and everybody died except two people. Those two people ran off through the wilderness and started a new civilization.Then the monkeys came back and killed everybody. The end.
Politics
- Main article: Politics of Lithuania
Lithuania is ruled by Abonentas Brazauskinis. To help Abonentas Brazauskinis rule the country, some additional state institutions have been established. As an additional benefit, the institutions make Lithuania look nicely democratic. We could give you more details but we would have to shoot you afterwards.
Separation of Church & State
In Lithuania there is now a well-established line between Church and the State. Paedophile priests are found everywhere, - some are ignored, some are not, but at death both are buried together. Go figure. Some of the priests are not paedophiles, in the same way as some of the politics are not prostitutes. Once a paedophile priest is caught committing a molestation act with an unsuspecting minor, he (or she??) is being educated slightly, which is called "pakabinti ant kiausiniu". Sometimes such a priest is put to a prison and someone a long resident of a prison makes that priest his wife. That is called: "Pavercia kuniga gaidziu".
Lithuanians in general are good Muslims and they respect all catholic priests (except the paedophiles who are now forced to carry a badge which says: "I'm a Paedophile Priest". Once a priest wears such a badge, then he (or she?) is allowed to continue his career in a Church. As for State, it is just right here, along sideways with Church, though both Church guys and State gals (sometimes guys as well) sometimes go to a beer restaurant and drink some geras lietuviskas (yucky litho) beer and then start fighting. Yep, that's true. I saw it myself and I drank some (but I wasn't molested by a priest) beer and it was running over my beard and I almost missed it all and it got into my pants and all women in the bar were laughing at me and I was ashamed to be called a piss-in-the-pants.
No information.
Military
Lithuania has one of the biggest armies in the universe:
- 16 UFO's equipped with magic cannons (armor 5, damage 6, mana cost per shot 10)
- 1251 super tanks with special ability to look like an old woman (armour 9, damage 11)
- National army from Šiauliai led by Saulėns.
- 1 World's Greatest terrorist (ever) named O'Mama Ladin Recycle Bin armed with "KABLYS 9.5" "bambalis" (no armour, no gun, 1 "bambalis" cost per operation)
- Lithuania has the biggest nuclear gun in the world: Wisaginas Nuclear Power Station (codenamed WiNnie the Pooh)
- 12 strippers called "Vakaro ziniu mergaites" ("Evening News Girls" or just "VZ girls")
- lots-a vicious old ladies, bumbling about youth and everyone else. can be indentified because they look like barrels (small and round), with knitted berets (that's why they are called "Knitted Berets") and with old (older than me, you and even your dog) bangs, made of young people's skin. (armor 22, damage 50, speed -1, Validol cost per shot 1kg).
- 1 Lituanica Stealth Bomber of AMB forces (used during the Star Wars and Žalgiris Battle) piloted by Jurgis Kairys. Lituanica has its own artificial intelligence claims itself to be a bird and untertake long distance annual migrations to the South.
There is a top secret project initiated by Lithuanian armed forces. Several terrorists raids on most important state and military objects (SEMA, Vilniaus Degtine, Daumantu Makaronu Fabrikas), caused a project to form special armed forces like SWAT or OMON. Since 1999 project was partially introduced to public. Only facts: Elite squad was named "Aitvaras" (Flying piece of paper crap), it contains about 30-40000 members, heavy armored and armed with newest Lithuanian battle production (Potato cannons, homing cucumber rockets, smart hedgehog landmines). Also available three separate groups of supporting and maintenance named "Tribambis Zydas", "Seks Emisaru Ruros" and "Falck sex curity".
Geography
- Main article: Geography of Lithuania
Lithuania does not exsist. It is a made up country for poeple with active immaginations or who are too emberassed to admit where their really from not that it helps to say your from Lithuania! (except for its female population. Innocence comes from within. We are the people. You are poo. Hide your wallets, because Lithuanian women are pickpockets.
The most popular myth is that Lithuania is located east of California but south of San Diego (they wish), north of Spain, south of Finland (Estonia is to near to be north of us) and west of Japan (which is true). Lithuania borders the following countries: Latvia to the North, Atlantis to the West, Russia Proper (P-Russia) to the South-West, Poland to the South, China to the East, China to the South-East and China to the North-East and El Cajon to the Mid-South. And don't you argue with us or we'll vomit! Every other Nia-Nia and Stan-Stan revolves around us like a spider on drugs.
Another story tells that Lit-who-whines-a-lot (nya-nya) is actually a country of nights on shining armadillo country plastered with jeep talmud and speedy nationals who beat grandmothers. Damn, who could testify to that but Mayor Golding? Please - go ahead and testify, as we are never a guardian ad litem!
Many, many centuries and weeks of research have gone by and we have come up with a conclusion that: Litvinia (a.k.a. Litua, Litova, Liettua, Lietusva, Tautieciaistan etc.) is a rocky country with tasty women on the other side of Europeus Plutonicus. Legend goes that the women were imported from Turkey, but their chemistry has been changed forever. That is why Vilnius is the place to find dark featured women who look like Turkey fat & hairy men. And by the way, another legend tells us (via ancient VCR, DVD and contemporary TVQ*) that Lithuanian women have been infested (and transvested) by Amorinians from the enigmatic eastern land which is ruled by the mountainous people republic of Amorinia. That is why some (only some) Lithuanian women have a third eye between their tits and three lips. Yes, that is true!
Lit-nia consists of 11 counties, one of which contains a city of high (and not so high) skyscrapers called Knyvius Minimus and is ruled by ancestors of Amorinians that have so plentifully intravened into Lithuania's fragile history (economy and geography too). The abovementioned (and not forgotten) 11 counties consist of at least 1 city, one town and one village as per ruling of our great-great-grand-leader who has passed away into democracy defacing our nation and letting us to disobey our own principles of lust and vitality. Gas stations in Lithonia? Oh come on, Lithuania has no gas stations as such. The only gas chamber we have had had has been closed since WWII when Papa Adolphius Debilicus has been visiting us and our dear nation every single weekend of the day. As for toilets, yes, you may disagree or you may agree that Latvia has more toilets per capita than any other country of the world and beyond it. But Lithuania, all it does is purchase most of Latvian toilets and destroys them. And does so proudly and effectively. That is why Lithuania has the highest decapita per skull per whole nation. Why is the question and the answer is - it just has to be that way.
The population (please do NOT confuse it with strangulation!) of Lithuania is anywhere between a million to a thousand and a half of human-alike semi-aryan semi-philistine people who all know how to be ready, ride and write (and perhaps more, if you beg them). Nationality of our residents, citizens and semi-visitors varies from day to hour. It can be anywhere between the abovementioned thousand to a whopping prillion or more. 85% of those usually are Lithomaniacs (a.k.a. Kazlu-orda) and the rest are Gaijin (a.k.a. Gaidziai) which is believed to be borrowed from a Japanese word "gaijin" for a "foreigner". Which is true! There are NO Russians and NO Poles (nor parking meters) or others in Lithuania since all have been killed and molested off in the last century or two weeks or so ago. Sorry, but they had to go ... It just had to be that way...but Lithuanian womenare ripoffs when they saw that no one grovelled. We expect that they will return. :o(
Lithuania (Thoo-Nay is a proposed new name for Lithuania proper) has one forest comprised mainly of Pakistani pine and Belgian bamboo with a very large population of Eurasian monkeys and woo-doo dogs and an increasing population of spida birds that are known to carry nasty diseases like spidoma (closed mouth disease) and phyllisoma (narrow eyes syndrome), but those are being eradicated and will die out soon alright. They have no teak or unions.
The deepest lake of Lithuania is believed to be Chicken Lake (Vistycio ezeras, which is true and it is believed to produce all the chicken and eggs that the country needs for internal and external use and export to fourth and fifth world. Na, alright.
The tallest (and steepest) mountain on Earth and in Lithuania (Litvanya in Turkish, because TR is already a EU member while LT has left the EU) is Kempines Kalva (Sponge Hill). It is exactly 17 km tall and is made from all the garbage dear Lithuanians have been consuming over decades and millenniums of garbagev rule. The Kempines Kalva (Sponge Hill) is covered with 7 century old asphalt that's been a starting ground for local populace of UFOs. And is a nice attraction for local kids too.
Longest river in Lithuania is Pakistan-Eyerack Canal which is actually an artificial waterway and is about 508 km long. All other waterways have been exhausted, dirtied and asphalted over to make space for new generation of ZUV's which are, as you all know, Zap Utility Vehicles. That is ALL folks! All we knew about geography of Lithuania we have tearlessly decoded onto this pagina virtualis and of course, for you to read and become 100% literacy compliant alright.
- TVQ is our 27th century's visionic tech which unzips easily into Travantical Visionic Quesmus - a very very eye-catching super hi-q tech that has been introduced to us (and our minds) recently.
Economy
Illicit drugs
Transhipment point for opiates and other illicit drugs from Southwest Asia, Latin America, and Western Europe to Western Europe and Scandinavia; limited production of methamphetamine and ecstasy; susceptible to money laundering despite changes to banking legislation. Massive consumption of vodka (degtine), gasoline and toothpaste as hallucinogens. Samagon, translated into English means DIY (Do It Yourself) or Moonshine, is the most popular drink in Lithuania. It has very old making traditions.
27,5% of the population of Lithuania have become insane after sniffing at least 6 micrograms of Soda + Cillit Bang compound
Prostitution
Lithuanians do not know what prostitution is. All ########### between men and women are being made totally free of charge. Even husbands and wives sleep for free nowadays. What politics have got to do with this? Well, dear Nationals (Tautieciai), you know well, "politine prostitute (political prostitute)" is a very well known term in Lithuania, but the only difference - "politine prostitute" sleeps for free as well. That is, I'm sorry, a "Politine Prostitute" actually PAYS $$$ to its "victim" (stalker, interessant, sex-seeker) and not vice versa.
Science and technology
Communications
Unfortunately Internet connections have not yet been introduced in Lithuania. However the government is about to build the first ever Internet access point in the colony of New Panevezis (300'000 inhabitants), London, SE3.
Meanwhile, the locals are forced to use smoke signals to modulate the incoming signals from the interweb system. More than 32.6% of the population are occupied in this particular segment of industry; this makes Lithuania the most IT-oriented country in the World.
We also have one telephone company TEO-Zebra. It is very expensive, but very progessive company. At year 1980, 100% of lithuanians had telephones. Now 0.6%. It's mostly old ladies who love to speak with each other all the time. TEO just built new branch in Vilnius. They say, it is best in entrie of the world at this time.
Space encounter program
Lithuanians are 4th space exploring country or at least soon will be. Top secret Mars occupation program "Aqwile" started in early 2000 is now almost completed and first launch is planned in August. Modern rocket is equipped with all state-of-the-art technologies including LTV (national television) transmitters for propaganda and commercials, necessary equipment for cosmonaut's basic needs and 3 stage engine system. It is not important for astronauts to survive after they land. Their mission is to put a flag of Lithuania on Mars and declare this planet to be "conquered and now dominated by the great motherland Lithuania Empire", so all formalities about teritorical claims can be filled by superior lawyers of Lit. There are no actual plans nor need for astronauts to return after that.
Vytis-01 Hybrid Engine
This ultra modern Vytis-01 Hybrid Engine Outerspace capsule is designed just few days ago as our intelligence show our worst enemies - Latvians plant to occupy Mars too so every minute is extremely valuable. Capsule contains all necessary equipment for survival and of course some recreational and leisure equipment such as electricity, TV set which engineers got as a present from the government and pirate cable TV (that one we got from mafia in exchange for some commercials on Capsule). Mainly it's financed from 2% tax which is transferred from citizens and inhabitants taxes to NGO (nongovernmental organizations). Vytis-01 Hybrid Engine is not only for travel; it also has some plasma guns (defence - 12 (shiny mirrors to reflect spells) damage 32, mana cost to spell - 19 (mainly collected from solar energy).
Primary tests show that it can reach up to 142 km/h speed but we are working on engine. Beware, this information is top secret so please be so kind and don't pass it to Latvian intelligence and mass media. Well, it's not only that they could use it (their engineers are not as smart as we are) but to prevent panic among civilians. We will pass some Mars to Latvia as we will privatise it. We give you our word. Honestly.
Demographics
- Population:31 disabled and mentaly disturbed who couldn't purchase tickets abroad or slowly walk over the Polish border (July 2005 est.) 40000.2 people before May 2004.
- Age structure:
- 0-14 years: 0.2% (male many/female many too)
- 15-64 years: 3.0% (male extinct/abroad/female lots)
- 65 years and over: 96.1% (male all suicidal/female still alive) (1919 est.)
- Median age:
- Total: 17.83 years
- Male: 15.25 years
- Female: 70.46 years (1989 est.) (preservatives do help)
- Demography:
- Population growth rate: -15.3% (1890 est.) (mass suicides are common)
- Birth rate: 862 births/1,000 people (193319332005 est.)
- Reincarnation rate: 480 reincarnations/1,000 people (1960 est.)
- Net migration rate: -980.71 migrant(s)/1,000 people (1999 est.)
- Sex ratio:
- At birth: 5.06 male(s)/female
- Under 15 years: 2.05 male(s)/female
- 15-64 years: 99 male(s)/female
- 65 years and over: 99 male(s)/female
- Total population: 0.04 male(s)/female (2000 est.)
- Hermaphrodites: 250/1,000 population (2000 est.)
- Sex change operations: 117/1,000 population (1966 est.)
- Infant mortality rate:
- Total: 689 deaths/1,000 live births
- Male: 825 deaths/1,000 live births
- Female: 545 deaths/1,000 live births (1666 est.)
- Other: 974 deaths/1,000 live births (1979 est.)
- Life expectancy at birth:
- Total population: 23.97 years
- Male: 18.94 years
- Female: 89.28 years (1975 est.)
- Total fertility rate: 8.19 children born/woman (1985 est.)
- HIV/AIDS 0%
- Adult prevalence rate: 0.00% (1936 est.)
- People living with HIV/AIDS: 1 (1936 est.)
- HIV/AIDS deaths: less than 2 (1875 est.)
- Ethnic groups:
Religions:
- Sunni Muslims -79%(Pork lover), Cat-holics (cat lovers) - 115%, Pagans (stone and fire lovers) - 42% Protestant (including Lutheran and Evangelical Christian Baptist) -1.9%, other or unspecified -5.5%, none -9.5% (2001 census)
- Languages:
- Lithuanian - 50%, Propaganda - 44,9%, other - 5%, C++ - 0,1%.
- Literacy:
- Definition: age 15 and over can ride a horse and write a CD
- Total population: 1.3%
- Male: 0.7% (1999 est.)
- Female: 0.6% (1986 est.)
Education
Education is known to Lithuanians. Some are known to have tried it, none have actually liked it. Often, their video-game addicted children do not attend school so they are unable to get any education.
According to another theory (which is bitterly contested by realists), education is compulsory in the country. The person who fails to pass exams on the third attempt is immediately deported from the country. For some reason, the Government makes the exams so difficult that none can pass them.
The Ministry of Education of Lithuania has issued a series of books related to political education. A few examples:
- "Being President for Dummies"
- "National Elections for Dummies"
- "Propaganda for Dummies"
- "Machination for Dummies"
- "Credit Card Fraud for Dummies"
- "Don't Delete ACT Scores or Mess With APS Scores for Dummies"
School education programs require passing of three exams for all students from any of the following:
- Creating populist political doctrine
- Brainwashing
- Stealing money from the budget
- Stealing Spouses
- Crying Fiesta
- Dagon look-a-like contest for UCSD coeds
- Stealing money
Culture
- Main article: Culture of Lithuania
The most notable aspect of Lithuanian culture is politics. The ideas of the right to be married to a homosexual against your will, the idea that 1 percent of the richest people are slaves of the other 99 percent (There has been a great researh in Baltics, where they try to prove, that two equally rich people in one country sooner or later cancel each other out, like matter and antimatter. Best engineers have already built a machine which could produce cheap electricity that way) and the concept of blood sucking are unquestionable pearls of culture which have been given to the World by the Lithuanian nation.
And the last, but not least: the most popular highlight in Lithuania is the supermarket "Akropolis", situated on the Ozas Hills in Vilnius. All people (most often from the provinces) bring their children to see this warehouse and prefer it to other city objects, such as the Gediminas Love Castle, art museums featuring pictures of Ghallagher cut out of Soviet newspapers, gay bars, etc. Luckily, Lithuania has the second "Akropolis" opened in Klaipėda and the other one in Kaunas. Nobody would starve until there is VP Market, called The Great Mother...
Sports
Lithuania is by default the greatest country in the World to produce Basketball players. The national team had won all European Basketball Championships except in 1937, 1939 and 2003. Another dominant sports sphere is discus throwing, where former president Algirdas Brazauskas' bodyguard Virgilijus Alekna leaves no chance for others to even come close to his results. another sport that is popular in Lithuania is known as Goat-Raping where the Lithuanian's rank Second in the world behind the Slovakians. they are however ranked first in Goat Oral since 98% of all citizens are seasoned experts with hundreds of practice sessions under their belts.
Truth about Lithuanians
In 2005, after the completion of a 25 year double-blind study, Lithuanians were unequivocally able to prove that it was all the Russians fault. This came as no surprise to the Bulgarians, Poles, or the Slovakians who were doing similar studies of their own.
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