Livingston
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“If Livingston really exists, how come I get cheese sauce with nachos?.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Livingston
“I just can't live there. It's too much. It's TOO MUCH!! Just... just leave me alone! *sob*”
~ Jack Bauer on Livingston
“Lets walk into Deans South With a Celtic Football Top on!”
~ Captin Oblivious on Stealth
“I just can't do it Captain!”
~ Chief Engineer Montgomery "Scoty" Scott on Livingston
Livingston is a town, no, really, we mean it, it really is. Livingston Is famous (Apparently). But More On That Later. Livingston is 5 centimetres east of Bathgate, on some blue line or summat. According to Ordinary Survey, there are a lot of blue lines going through Livingston.
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[edit] History
Livingston was named when Sir Walter Rally sneezed, and people then thought, "Hey, can we make a town out of Lego?". The Answer Was Of Course "No.". But Mega Bloks On The Other Hand.... And Livingston was created. Livingston was built tomorrow, and is unique in that it has more roundabouts than people and blades of grass put together, and it is also laid out so that you can drive around for five hours in a residential area and see no houses whatsoever. Livingston is famous for many reasons, Some Of Them Are Listed Below:
- Livingston has a Domino's Pizza, which sells tennis balls wrapped in lovely hart paper.
- ASDA
- Being Only 8000 Kilometres from Bulgaria
- Livingston Has A Space-Age football club, who play in the groovy colours of the Persil company, and the Scottish Premier League
- Livingston has a WH Smith
- Livingston has been having a civil war for years neds vs goths C'MON THE GOTHS!
- Most People In Livingston Know What a "Pub" is...
- ...But do not know what a bar of soap is
- This is the capital city for neds, with every second people wears burberry
- Livingston Wiped Out Glasgow In The Name Of Jack Bauer
- Jack Bauer Was Just Mentioned...Holy Shit!
- Ally Morrin, the sex god, was born here some time in the late 1980s and his disciples now run riot. Killing the ugly people from Dundee
[edit] Notable Residents
Richard Brittain Is not in this list as he does not live in Livingston, but it is surgically attached to the back of his head. However, This List Does Contain Christopher Reeve, love-god Ally Morrin Was Born And Raised Here, Boy George,Charles Taylor,Craig Charles, and famous priest Steven Hawking (That Bloke From Unpopular Band The Darkness), John Muir(AKA Muirpheus), The bravest most noble warrior in existence lives in Livingston in his Castle which towers over all of the town. All of the people listed here tried to leave but got stuck in a roundabout. Also, I work there.
[edit] Schools
Schools have Been outlawed in Livingston, the local council preferring to let roundabouts teach local children the ABC's. Local schools can be found in Bathgate, Whitburn, Armadale, Westworld, Blackburn, Stonedburn, Linlithgow and Fawdhoos. But they are rumours that at the local West Lothian College is the real Hogwarts from Harry Potter.
[edit] Facts About Livingston
- Hassan Kachloul Is The King Of Livingston
- Livingston is in Scotland
- Warren Blair lives in Livingstone with his girlfriend since some time back, Sarah King.
- You can smell the shithole of Whitburn from the Roundabout Hill
- Hosted The Olympic Games in 23 BC (before Cheese)
- Home To Real Madrid
- 3 People Live In Livingston
- Famous Resident Ally Morrin Owns Real Madrid, Barcelona and The Richer Of the 3 Clubs Livi
- ASDA World Headquarters is based in Livingston
- Jimmy Charles Created Livingston
- Michael Moore Made A documentary About Livingston entitled "Lard, Lard, Glorious Lard"
- Livingston was the original home of Sesame Street
- Irn-Bru can be traded for women.
- Buckfast is drunk by everyone in Livingston.
- John Yorkston Is Not A BawBag. Pearce Flynn is a child.
- NOT in Fife
- The poet Robert Burns spent two weeks here stuck on a roundabout.
- 9 out of 10 anchovies prefer Livingston!
- People of Livingston are anti-English and weekly burn English flags and it's people every Tuesday at it's each of it's 1,428 roundabouts. While Thursday nights are bingo nights.
- When Asked, Tony Curtis had this to say about Livingston: "Sir Kenworth Livingstone Was Never A Friend Of Mine!"
- Livingston is not Sheffield
- Livingston has many licensed arms dealers, who can provide you with an M16.
- Livingston does have a school in ladywell ned capitial of livi it is called Inveralmond high, it has the best teching facilities in livingston, Neds and Goths being tought how to Make a respectable joint by "Stoner Teachers" and "P.E. Teachers" as they are sometimes called.
- HOWEVER !! Obviously at this present moment in time , James Young's teaching FISILITIES are better considering the word is spelt right here ;-)
- In America, "Your Mom Is So......." Does Not Work In Livingston. "Yer Maw" is the only insult that is short enough to get you chased down the street and killed with a knife by on eof locals from Knightsridge.
[edit] Livingston F.C.
- World's First anti-football team
- Play In Livingston (For At Least 3 Years!)
- Play Somewhere Near A Roundabout
- People DO Watch Livingston
- OK, that last one was made up. But people DID watch them once upon a time
[edit] Tips For Watching Livingston F.C.
- 1. Have A Bucket Of Cyanide Aside You, just in case.
- 2. Watch through darkened glasses.
- 3. Do Not Look Directly Into The Jesus!
- 4. Don't watch Livingston F.C
- 5. Lee Makel Is To Be Targeted With Shit Seeking Missiles
- 6. Don't wear a Dundee top unless you want to spend time with the sexy nurses at St Johns Hospital for a week
- 7. Don't Pay at the turnstiles, just distract the operator with a picture of Cameron Diaz in a Clyde shirt
- 8. Don't Pay at the turnstile...watch from the hill
- Marc Toms (The Inventor Of Football Hooliganism and The Speed Camera) Has A Prefernace To Livingston Over Cheese
| Scottish Premier League, 2008-2009 |
| Celtic · Rangers · Heart of Midlothian · Aberdeen FC · Inverness · Livingston · Bathgate · Norway · Falkirk · AC Milan · Scotland · Yer Da · Dunfermline · Ayr United · Texas Rangers · Manchester United |
[edit] Places In Livingston
[edit] Deans
Deans is a small part of Livingston that has both a "posh" area and a "poor" area .
Deans is well know for its drug dens on every corner(commonly known as corner shops)mostly in deans south (poor area) this part of deans is often over populated by drug addicts from crazy hill.Many small Mafia like teams operate in this area and used to use asbestos to murder their victims till most people in Livingston's lungs came impenetrable because of smoking and now all Livingston's locals don't need to breathe anymore.
Deans north (posh area)often has fancy cars and posh houses , anyone from Deans south or other areas of Livingston are chased out by a gang of angry peasants, Deans north only comes second best to "Murrie". Although from the outlook of Deans north you would expect it to look squeaky clean but unknown to outsiders there is in fact more drug addicts than Deans south.
In London you are never more than 6 feet away from a rat,in deans you are the rat.
In the 1980's an alien spacecraft was encountered first hand by a farmer in Livingston, police believe they where making plans for an invasion but where put off by the number of "roundabouts" and reconsidered their plans.
There are approximately 3 schools in Deans, St John Ogilvie's Primary School, Carmondean Primary and Deans High School- which is where the rats are apparently "educated" on how to throw bricks and use knives and guns in case of emergency - (these emergencies include......somebody walking on the same side of the road as a rat, another rat shouting something offensive to a fellow rat etc.)
[edit] Craigshill
[edit] History
The founding of Craigshill began in 1746 when American Oil Companies discovered the Buckfast rich plains. All things were well for a time(Historians believe about 2 weeks, but this is unconfirmed), but rebellion eventually cropped up. With a cry of "Gie's a Gobbo!" the local workforce rose up, led by Ned Flanders, and bottled down their oppressive masters and took control themselves. Then began the weekend binge, where they drank the Buckfast they had worked so hard to harvest. At the end of the binge, they created their own village called Craigshill, and named themselves Neds, after their unfortunate leader who was killed by a Rhino that holidaying in the area.
In 1843 Craigshill was invaded by Scotland, who planned to kill the resident Neds and use Craigshill as an area to store the homeless people of Edinburgh. The invasion was a success, but before they could begin with the genocide, there was a football game on telly, so they all went home. From that moment on, Craigshill was a part of Scotland and, after a mess up in design plans, was incorporated into part of Livingston in the year 1901.
The first ned came to existence when one of the scots dropped a bottle of buckfast months later after the fungus set it and grew it began to get a very weak speech paterin using the words "yer ma" and "shut yer face yi goff" the rest came when they a ned got bored and had to hide his buckfast so he buried it under ground and then neds started to grow out of the ground.
[edit] Present Day
Craigshill is still has its original inhabitants of "the neds". There is also reports of people living there, but these sightings have been unconfirmed. The weekend binge is now a weekly holiday and is followed without fail by every Ned in Craigshill. The main sites of Buckfast now have a great technological advancement called a corner shop. These allow the Neds to gain easy access to Buckfast, and allow them to get up to more important activities such as fighting, Kitten Huffing, and shouting abuse at other Neds.Sadam hussian was spotted here but didn,t want to waste a bomb
[edit] Facts And Trivia
- Craigshill is populated by approximately 2 people. Other lifeforms in Craigshill are neds, and therefore, not people.
- Craigshill has many nicknames including "C Hill", "Crazy Hill", "The place with the weird no petrol garage", "Nedland" and "That shitehole"
- It has about 3 roundabouts per person living there
- Craigshill was called "The Essex of Scotland" until January 3rd 2006, when Essex sued West Lothian Council for slander.
- In Craigshill, glasspanes in the windows are optional, but not recommened
- Craigshill actually has a sign that's updated each day titled:
"No police seen in Craigshill for ____ Days"
- Burgling of houses is common in craigshill, many people have returned home to discover that their home is no longer there.
- There is has been rumours of a "posh" area in Craigshill, this has been unconfirmed, but is thought to be outside the vicinity of Craigshill
- Christian Soft-Rock band Slayer once refused to play in Craigshill as it was too brutal.
- Despite the high ned presence, racism isn't a problem in Craigshill. They beat up everyone eventually.
- People in Craigshill are sensible enough to not worship Santa and instead worship Jack Daniels. It's about the same odds of seeing either in Craigshill, but residents prefer Jack's gifts.
- Even Jack Bauer can't spend 24 hours in Craigshill.
- The "Yer Maw" joke does not work in Craigshill, everyone knows neds are a type of fungus, so do not in fact have a mother.
- The official currency of Craigshill is the Giro
- Mohammed Al-Fayed try to buy the whole of Craigshill, but pulled out after discovering he would get change for £10 after the hellhole.
- All old folk from places like murriston are conveniantly re located to places like craigshill to fuel the neds obsession for jumping defenceless human beings.
- people will trade their grannys "fur a drinkk aye yer wine"as they call it
[edit] Dedridge
“Bleep Bleep Bleep.”
~ Pacman on Dedridge
Also known as Dedghanistan, Dedridge was built so that people from Craigshill could escape to greener pastures. However what they did not realise was that DedMON THE SHEEPridge makes Craigshill seem like Buckingham. The official population of Dedridge is 5 men 3 women and 100,000 NEDS.
Buckfast and Eccies are the only sources of food and drink. It is also thought that Dedridge is amassing an army to attack Murieston and allow the neds to once and for all control Livingston. There are but three brave crusaders in the heart of Dedridge to stop this travesty they are: Junior, Fat Allan and Spank the Monkey. Hopefully these three brave men can rescue Livingston from becoming the first place outside of Glasow to be 100% populated by NEDs. Dedridge also has the Lanthorn Community centre where many amazing and fantastic things happen such as schools on witchcraft and wizardry, classes on naming your children and how to wear a baseball cap.
Dedridge is also the home to the only beautiful things in Livingston - the swans on Dedridge pond. Not yer Ma sadly guys.
D.Y.T
Dedridge is home to the DYT (Dedridge Young Team) a group of "solid" young chaps who gather on the streets every Weekend to drink with each other in a friendly community environment. They have topical debates on such things as local Politics (the fucking 'polis'!) and economic inflation (the rising cost of getting 'mad wey it'). As well as this they will often arrange a duel with a rival Young Team where each group meet a designated area, usually a bridge or the woods, and run away from each other all night.
Vermin
Squirrels and NEDs. The common squirrel can be killed from range with a .177 Air Rifle, the only way to kill a NED though is to feed them most of a forearm until they shit themselves. Unfortunately the common NED is a pack animal therefore watching and waiting until they are secluded and alone is needed.
DEDRIGE CURRENTLY THINK ANYTHING WITH 1 & A HALF LEG MUST BE FUCKED
DEDRIDGE IS ALSO HOME TO THE ONLY JEW IN LIVINGSTON.
[edit] Ladywell
Where the neds from all over Livingston go to be caught how to nick cars, be served drink and do what neds do. At the Inveralmond Community High School. Ladywell was named after a some posh English lady who fell down a well after some wee neds chased her after she stole their buckfast, the shame of it. Ladywell is also famous for being the only place in Livingston where the gay population outnumber the ned population. Plus a local Ladywell By-law permits the use of sleep as a local sex toy makes the area one of the most popular tourist resorts for Welsh and people from Aberdeen. This is also where the famous shagging in bin cubberd lin rendell lives or used to, trouble is there are now three bins instead of one so now she cannot fit herself and all the neds in to spunk on/in her so she probably moved to somewhere with more space to put your wheelie bins. But if you are out for an evening then you could partake of cocktails of an evening in the renowned Ferns Bar. Any young lass worth her salt would have an attack of the vapours at the unparalleled luxury and opulent surroundings.
[edit] Knightsridge
Nothing is known about this area. Only stories of a drunk people with knives in their hands and fire breathing out of their arses. There has only been one survivor to escape Knightsridge alive, but sadly they cut off her tongue, so she can't speak and she's from Craigshill so she cannot write. But if anyone is brave enough to go into Knightsridge and discover the truth about the tribes which live there, King Hassan Kachloul is offering 3 bottles of Buckfast for any information. this area is also the second minky smelling place in Livi after crazy hill wot smells really a lot like poor minky people with no hope.
[edit] Murieston or Murrie
[edit] Summary
Murieston is commonly referred to as the last bastion of defence against the NEDs (en-ee-dee) - horrifically large and ferocious creatures that are unlikely to have heard the words "pip-pip" or "bath" at any points in its lifetime.
In stark contrast to the rest of Livingston, Murieston is home to a large number of green plants, commonly referred to as grass. This is possibly due to the low concentration of NED creatures living within the rarely-murky waters.
Murieston's most powerful defence system, the railway, has stood as a wall of hope for many of the residents for as long as any can remember - the iron tracks grinding down any trespassing NEDs into a substance that is much more manageable and quite a bit more tasteful. However, the NEDs have recently lain siege to the railway, and breached it at the Livingston South Station (somewhat less North than Livingston North station). This is where the stalwart defenders of Murieston take their stand, between the Co-op and that playpark with the really fun swings, and that other playpark with the swing-like-things that can really give your manhood a what-for; besieging the besiegers with bricks and bottles and words and cats and wildebeast and squirrels and knives and garden gnomes and short people.
Despite the current state of war, Murieston frequently allows residents of other areas refuge to do things outside that they wouldn't have been able to safely accomplish elsewhere - standing still, for example.
[edit] Eliburn
Although it may seem like the posh area of Livingston, all the rats from Deans, or Knightsridge, Dedridge, Carmondean, Deer Park.................. Yeah you get the point, they all come down, and hide in the trees of Eliburn Road. Ready to jump out and drag you into the woods only to make you think you are goin to get raped. But turns out to be "Can I Have A Fag", or "You Wanna Buy Some Weed Mate"
The history of young teams have decreased in Eliburn. Maybe thats because EYT cannae fight tae save themselves!!! Pussies the lot ae thum!! L/Well usually inhabit Eliburn, especially when the area is covered in trees, bushes, shrubs, whevever 14 year old lassies can get their daily shag.
Drinking is the most popular sport in Eliburn. If asked by any ned to have a swallae of any alcoholic beverage, accept the offer. Before you are turned into a blood covered, broken collar boned, wounded alien lookalike lying on the floor. This is how you survive and the reason for the binge drinking culture in Eliburn.
