Loch Ness Monster

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WARNING This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly. Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk.

“It's a Phallic symbol, indicative of a Scotsmans sex drive, lurking under the surface threatening to rape you any minute'”

~ Sigmund Freud on Nessies significance in Scotland's Psyche

Loch was fined $383.29 for indecent exposure after his frequent flashings were captured on film.

The Loch Ness Monster is a trap devised by highlanders to lure thick American/Canadain tourists. It lives in only one part of the world, which is Inverness, Scotland. It does have a mating colony on Pluto which the beast frequents from time to time (Note: beware the Scot who offers to take you to Pluto via Syringe 'mind travel' as the needles could be dirty and you will probably get bummed). It is capable of producing long chains of polysaccharides and known for its long list of enemies including the bitch, Marilyn Manson, and the dragon fly or horny fella. They enjoy the cheerful sport of child molesting and are often seen among the rides at Michael Jackson's wonderland. Do not mistake the Loch Ness Monster with its female counterpart Nessie, despite the similarities in appearance and class; Nessie only rapes female children. The differences found in their behaviours are enormous and could cost you your life. The Loch Ness Monster is also well known for showing up at odd times and demanding $3.50.

[edit] Appearance

A photo of the monster taken during Scotland's annual Marti Grah, 1992

Do not mistake the Homo Simpson with a penis petunia or telephone. The body of the Loch Ness is long and hard extruding curly hair-like fibers at the end (Sounds kinda like my penis! Oh no I didn't!) Along the spine of the Loch Ness Monster are large zits, often mistaken for growths. (Yep, definitely my penis. Mine has a spine you know) The skin of the Loch Ness is an orangey, pink colour that is rarely seen underneath its shining black armour. It is 300,000 nano meters in length and so is the same size as george bush's brain but were not here to talk about him; he has his own specific page for his "amazing" deeds. (Alright already this is personal information!)

Note: Attempts to remove the shining black armour that the Loch Ness Monster carries around have been met with little success. Further attempts to remove the armour are looked down upon. The latest Nessie sighting happened just west of Los Angeles, but it turned out to be Madonna after treatments.

The Loch Ness monster is a type of white boy coin used in Argentina. It was of no use to the locals because they were to freaking poor. So they used it in the making of the first toilet. It was not a great idea for Argentinans because the were so poor, they had no toilet paper so they had to use their hands. it didn't work. it was later used for dicriminating people with blue and pink shoes and sombreros!

[edit] Enemys

• Hilary Clinton
• Science
• Religion
• Dr Strangelove

[edit] Loch Ness Rhymes

A typical sighting of the Loch Ness Monster, found near a Loch Ness Monster X-ing sign.

You can knock it,

You can rock it,

You can go to Timbuktu,

But you'll never find a Nessy in the zoo.

You may see an Anaconda, or Giraffe and Kangaroo,

But you'll never see a Nessy in a zoo.

“That rhyme sucked.”

~ Captain Obvious on The Crappy Rhyme

[edit] See also

• Dish Monster
• Scotland
• Groundskeeper Willie