Logic
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“Can your logic explain why sometimes things happen, and sometimes they don't?”
~ God on logic
Logic is, or might be, or might not, or both. It depends on whether it is not not-logic, or, indeed, something else altogether. If it is something else then it is something else. Always assuming, of course, that something else is not, in fact, it. And that's what it is. Or. Not.
[edit] Ownership
Unbeknownst to many, logic was sneakily patented by British comedian Bernard Manning in 1963. Mr. Manning has since set up a center for Logic and Epistemology at his Embassy club in Manchester. Though he did not invent logic, no one had yet bothered to claim it as their intellectual property, although recently a 15 year old girl from England claimed she invented logic as a way to stop World War 2, these claims lay unresolved. Mr. Manning registered the rights, quote, "as a precaution against other fuckers who might seek to charge for any fucking benefits". In recent times, the center has proven that when an unstoppable mother-in-law meets with an unmoveable mother-in-law, there will be a great big row that can be heard all down the high street.
Though usually quite indulgent in allowing other people free access to logical thought, Mr. Manning will sue if there is perceived misuse, such as liberal association with St Thomas Aquinas, St Augustine, foreigners or other medieval philosophers (see Fallacy). If you would like to use logic in any way, but are unsure of the implications, you should first contact him by wrapping your request in a brick and throwing it at him.
[edit] Promotion
The greatest 20th century exponent of logic was, of course, Dr. Spock. Rather than debate the nature of logic itself, Spock devoted his life to pointing out what things are logical and what things are not logical. Cheese sandwich? Logical. Floating Walrus? Not logical. In this way, Spock taught the concept of logic to a vast generation of hippies who would otherwise never have heard of it.
[edit] Fuzzy Logic
Fuzzy logic was invented by a good friend of Mr Spock one Bertrand Russel despite living in different millenniums. He got the idea after a time trip with Mr Spock during which his dog Fuzzy went into the washing and drying machine and became all fuzzy. This made him think of a new logic that does not have only two set of states - false or true but in fact any number of them such as - You Lie!, No Way!, It could be possible and Most likely. His logic went to later discovery of use by a washing machine which unfortunately ended his life in a horrible accident involving Klingons, two washing machines and a piece of corn. Should not be mistaken with theory of probability which is shit.
[edit] History
Logic was invented by Socrates as a way of avoiding taxes. He also invented the logical syllogism, which is a kind of Greek joke. This is an example of a syllogism:
- All men are mortal, (A⊂B)
- Socrates is a man, (C∈A)
- Socrates should be put in a lower income tax bracket. (C → Satirical comment on the Greek taxation system)
Another form of syllogistic logic is the metaphor, which actually uses a logical fallacy created by improperly associated syllogisms, as in this example:
- All men die. (A⊂B)
- Grass dies. (C⊂B)
- Men are grass. (A=C)
Though this statement is a fallacy, it would hold true if ...
- I am the lawn mower. (D→A=C)
The first time logic became greatly publicized was in the TV show Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo.
[edit] Types
There are many kinds of logic, but by far the most important is Lumberjack logic, which is a kind of reasoning used by Lumberjacks to fell large trees.
A tree that doesn´t fall and instead hangs in midair is called "illogical" and in most of Canada is considered a delicacy.
Notably the Giant Redwood, the Larch, the Fir, the Mighty Scots Pine, the Lofty Flowering Cherry, the Plucky little Aspen, the Limping Roo tree of Nigeria, the Towering Wattle of Aldershot, the Dyslexic Brich, the Maidenhead weeping water plant, the Naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak, the flatulant Elm of West Ruislip, the Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni, the Epigillus, and the Barter Hughius Greenus. The ultimate goal of logic is to show nothing can be proved. But by proving something cannot be proved, the thing in question in proved anyway.
Another important kind of logic is taxi driver logic. This assumes that folds in the space time continuum cause routine journeys to expand and contract depending on the point of view of the driver. By a process of deduction, experienced drivers can work out exactly where the traffic will be heaviest in advance of actually getting stuck in it. The complex rules of this logic also provide a manifold of explanations for missing change.
According to most logicians, falsum is the summum of all logic.
A very notable test of the principals of logic is to use the theoretic question of all existence featured in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series, 6 X 9 = 42. this is absolutely true, and even more truer in a base 13 numeral system. if your calculator does not give this answer, it is a racist nazi.
Unfortunatly Logic died in the year 2003. which now explains the incredible rise of stupidity in america and the british health and safety board. (I mean seriously, kids can't play conkers because they may be blinded by flying shards of shell????)
[edit] Accessories
A confident chap can enjoy his logic in any kind of clothing or even, and often preferably, none at all. New comers to the game, however, might find their chances of losing all their clothing increase if they purchase the following simple accessories:
- A pipe
- Glasses
- Corduroy trousers
- Elbow patches
- Bath sponge
[edit] Examples of Logic
- The sky is blue, therefore you owe me twenty dollars, same as in town.
- Cheese is good, therefore I am right.
- A lamprey is alive. You are also alive (hopefully), therefore you are a lamprey (hopefully).
- The Glorious and Mighty Uncyclopedia is the pinnacle and epitome of human logic. Therefore, all cybernetic llamas should be kept refrigerated.
- Wars are bad and the United States is in a war, therefore the United States is bad. (See peace.)
- What separates protozoans from bacteria and primates is the ability to reason.
- Square developed Final Fantasy, therefore all Final Fantasy fans are squares.
- Attack the argument, not the person because an argument cannot fight back but a person definitely can.
- Baue
For example:
Amoeba: 
. Thus, I am right!!!
Homo sapiens: What?!
Streptococcus: No comment.
Therefore, protozoans are the most logical of all living things.
[edit] Mathematical Proofs
- Given: 2 + 2 is a real number.
- Let 2 + 2 = 5.
- Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.
- Given: A right angle is 90 degrees.
- A quadrilateral with two 90 degree angles is a rectangle, by the Common Sense Theorem.
- Therefore, I am always right.
- Flying monkeys exist. QED.
- Given: Pi = 3.14159
- A pie is round
- Pi^2 = A square pie
- Therefore Squrt Pi = a slice of Pie!
- Given that k=t
- I can prove E=mc2
- Let E be k
- And mc2 be t
- Since k=t, therefore, E=mc2
- Take a moment to wonder on the author's amazing intellect.
- QED
[edit] Proof by distraction
- Look behind you!
- ... and proves the existence of an answer for 2 + 2.
- Look! A three-headed monkey over there!
- ... leaves 5 as the only result of 2 + 2.
- Therefore 2 + 2 = 5. QED.
[edit] Proof by the rovdistic principle
- I like to think that 2 + 2 = 5.
- Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.
[edit] Proof by Analogy
- 2 Monkeys + 2 Humans = 80 fingers.
- 80 fingers / 2 arms and 2 legs = 20 fingers in arms and legs.
- 20 fingers in arms and legs / 4 Living Beings = 5 fingers in arms and legs in living beings.
- Then, 2 Monkeys + 2 Humans = 5 fingers in arms and legs in living beings.
- Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5, QED.
[edit] Proof by an Oscar Wilde quote
- 1.
“And after a long study that I have not documented, I hereby declare that 2 + 2 is equal to 5.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ultimatum Mathematica
- 2. Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.
[edit] Proof by Intimidation
- Given: 2 + 2 = 4
- The Party says that 2 + 2 = 5
- Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5, QED.
[edit] Proof by Windows Error
- CRITICAL ERROR 4245562234791928385960202434234:
- Windows could not execute this instruction: "ADD 2,2".
- Windows will use instead this randomly chosen number as result: 5
- Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.
[edit] Proof by Vandalism
- Here it says that 2 + 2 = 5
- Therefore, 2 + 2 = 5. QED.
[edit] Skillful proof
- 4+4=10 in base 8. (it does. You're working in base 8 now)
- divide both sides by 2:
- therefore 2+2=5
- Q.E.D.
[edit] Proof by Repetition
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
- 2+2=5
[edit] Nihilistic Logic
[edit] "Simple" Logic
- Nobody is immortal
- My friends say I'm nobody.
- Therefore I'm immortal.
- And 2 + 2 = 5. QED
[edit] Contradictory Logic
- Anything is better than nothing.
- Nothing is better than Coke.
- Therefore, anything is better than coke.
- Including Pepsi. And 5.
[edit] Immature Logic
- Fart
- Poo
- Therefore 2 + 2 = 5
[edit] Skeletor Logic
- He man must die
- He must die in the most complicated manner possible
- The most complicated manner possible never works
- Therefore, Skeletor is an idiot
“No its 5”
~ Skeletor, on Acid
[edit] Proof by Provitute
- Given nonzero A=B
- AxA=BxA
- A^2-B^2=AB-B^2
- A-B=0
- (A+B)(A-B)=B(A-B)
- A+B=B
- Therefore 2+2=2
- Penis
However this falls apart and is not considered a true proof my all but the most qualified biologists.
[edit] Proof by Frustration
- You think 2 + 2 doesn't equal 5
- Go fuck yourself
- QED
